by Michelle Lee
I feel a sudden nudge at my side, pulling me out of thoughts, and I realize I’ve been lost in my head a while because the plane has taken off and reached its main altitude. Val smiles next to me with champagne glasses in hand. She hands me one and clears her throat.
“So, I think we should toast.” I nod at her suggestion. “Here’s to our friendship; without it, life would be uneventful, and here’s to you, Jules, and to finally finding that happiness you’ve always deserved.”
“Thanks, Val. And right back at ya.”
Our glasses clink together, and we down the sweet champagne in no time. I guess we’re all feeling a little on edge, wanting to get to Rome sooner rather than later. Val slips her earbuds in as she settles back into her seat. I do the same and wrap myself up in a blanket. I let my song wash over me as I close my eyes, willing myself to sleep. And before I know it, darkness consumes me.
WE LAND IN Rome, and I am a little apprehensive about getting off this plane; but another not-so-subtle nudge from Val and some of that self-doubt washes away. For once, customs isn’t a hassle and we make our way through the rest of the airport, too much luggage in tow, and out to the queue for the taxi. The two of us step out into the rich, warm air. My senses are immediately heightened with the fragrances that only this city can bring. The air smells of an ancient earthiness mixed with the sweet fragrance of different floral scents, wine, and rich pastas only Rome can offer. I inhale deeply while Val waits for me to get in the cab.
The cab navigates us through the bustling, nighttime streets of Rome. I try to focus on the beautiful scenery that surrounds us, but I can’t. I know we’re passing by some monumental touristy things, but all I can focus on is getting to the hotel, showering, and seeing Dash. Although at this very moment I’m sure he’s commanding the stage, making all of his fans swoon, scream, and sing to their heart’s content as the boys are right in the middle of their show. Instinctively I close my eyes, and images of Dash on stage flash behind my eyelids. Gripping the microphone, guitar slung low, his blue eyes smoldering as his lips part and his tongue snakes out. The vibration I feel in my body as he sings as if it’s only to me. I feel a tightening in my stomach and a dull ache between my thighs.
“Thinking of anything in particular there, Bennett?” Val teases, bringing me out of my self-induced Dash daydream.
“What?” is all I can manage as more images flash in my mind.
Val’s chin tips toward my legs as she suppresses a I-know-what-you’ve-been-thinking smile. I hadn’t realized that first, I had crossed them, and second, that I was squeezing them so tight that my yoga pants were twisting tightly around my knees.
“Oh, yeah, um, just I little distracted,” I admit as the cab pulls up in front of our hotel.
We climb out of the cab while the bellhop retrieves our luggage and guides us inside. The hotel is impressive. When Val said we would be staying at a four-star hotel, she wasn’t kidding. I know there is a lot to take in, but all I can focus on is getting in the elevator, finding our room, and getting ready to face Dash. I understand that I have to wait for the concert to finish and for him to get back to the hotel, but I wanted to see him and get the worst of it over with. And if my worst fears were about to come true, I wanted it over and done with. The not knowing is what’s killing me. The what ifs that have plagued my mind since I decided to tag along with Val have bombarded my brain and haven’t let up no matter how hard I try to focus on anything but.
Val stopped just inside the hotel and grabbed my hand. I turned to my friend to ask what was up, and the look of concern on her face stopped me. “Jules, I know you’re scared, but there’s no reason to be. Dash loves you, and no amount of space or time is going to stop him from doing so. You’ve got this.” Her confidence in me, in my relationship with Dash, is something I should have had all along, and she’s giving it to me when I need it the most.
“Thanks, Val.” She gives my hand a squeeze, and I follow her to the registration desk.
Once we checked in, the bellhop leads us to the elevators and motions for us to enter. The doors close behind us, and I stare at the changing floor numbers. Val booked our room a few floors below the guys. The elevator dings, signaling our arrival on the tenth floor. Butterflies swirl in my stomach as we walk down the hall behind the bellhop. Nervousness and excited energy rushes through my body. Before I know it, the bellhop is standing at our room’s door. Upon opening it and stepping inside, my breath is taken away. The place is just beautiful. The décor is classic and sleek. Straight, fine lines make the place extremely modern, a strong contrast to the ancient city outside. And the space, it is huge. There is a main sitting room with a bedroom and large bathroom off of it. The bedroom’s double doors are wide open, exposing two large beds wrapped in crisp, white linens. I have to remind myself to keep breathing; the room is breathtaking.
The bellhop perches our luggage on the nearby luggage stands, Val gives him what I assumed is a generous tip, and he leaves with a “Grazie” lingering in the air.
“So, let’s get settled, showered, and relax a little, or do you want to take in some nighttime sights before the guys come back? They just started the second song of the first set,” Val asks, looking at her watch.
“Yeah, sure, that sounds good,” I respond, hoping that getting out into the night air will calm my nerves a bit.
“So how about you take the shower first, and once I’m all done we will grab something to eat and explore this beautiful city,” Val suggests, knowing that the solitude and comfort of a shower is exactly what I need right now to get the nerves floating and twisting inside me under control.
I grab my toiletry bag and head to the bathroom. “Thanks, Val.”
“Anytime, sweets, anytime. And, Jules, things always have a way for working themselves out, so be that brave and strong woman I know you are, okay?”
“Sure.” Now if I could just find her and keep her present.
AFTER GETTING A bite to eat at the most quaint trattoria and taking in a few sights, we are now finally making our way back to the hotel. It’s pretty late, and the guys should be back from the concert already. At least I hope they are. I don’t think I can wait any longer. If I have to, I will head over to the stadium in order to see Dash and put all of the emotional havoc inside me to rest. I don’t think I can take my brain relaying every bad scenario anymore. Even though I try to focus on the positive, the negative is there immediately. I hate feeling like this. We push our way through the crowd, and the doorman helps us inside.
I instantly feel a pull in the pit of my stomach; Dash is in the building. I feel a white-hot heat begin to build and then flash all over my body. My heart picks up speed, and I hear the swooshing of my blood pulsate through my veins in my ear. I have tunnel vision, and I need and want to get to him, now. I turn to look at Val, my heart in my throat. I’m scared and excited at the same time. It’s like being on a roller coaster.
“Go, you’ve got this,” I faintly hear her say as I bolt for the elevators. I am a woman on a mission. My mission? Find my man and never ever let him go—if he will still have me.
The elevator arrives, and on shaky legs I enter, and push the button for Dash’s floor about a hundred times, trying to will the doors to close faster and the elevator to get to my floor quicker. Not gonna happen. I am a ball of tightly wound energy. I fidget with the hem of my shirt while shifting my weight from foot to foot. I probably look like I’m doing a pee-pee dance. Finally, the elevator dings and the doors painfully, slowly open. I push through them when there is just enough space to get my body through. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and pull it out. The screen indicates it’s Dash calling. As much as I hate to do it, I push ignore and shove it back into my pocket. I feel a deep sense of loss. I feel beyond horrible that I’ve avoided his texts, phone calls, and even our Skype date, but I was afraid and a coward, but that stops now. Like Val said, I’m strong and brave, and what matters most is we love each other. At least I hope he still loves me.
“Goddamn it, just stop it. He does love you. Nothing’s changed.” The words echo against the shiny walls of the elevator.
The elevator doors open, and I hesitate. The idea of all of this blowing up in my face echoes in my head. What if he’s with… Blake said… Those pictures looked… I push the thoughts out and lock them up and step out into the hall. I take a deep breath, smooth out my hair and shirt, and make my way toward my destiny.
The walk down the hall toward Dash’s door seems to take a million years, but finally I am standing right in front of it. I’m surprised Russell or one of the security guys aren’t lurking around—this was too easy. Maybe I have the wrong floor? Val did say that the fans overseas are nothing like the fans back home. Taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders and gently knock. The sound sounds so small in the empty hallway. Come on, Bennett, put a little more into it—no one is going to hear that knock.
I knock a little louder, and that’s when hear Dash’s velvet voice get closer. He sounds even better than I remember. I lean toward the door to hear him better, and it sounds like he’s on the phone—my back pocket vibrates. I stop breathing. My heart stops. He’s calling me.
The door suddenly opens, and I quickly lean away. Dash is standing in the doorway wearing a pair of low slung jeans and nothing else. My eyes drink him in, and much like his voice, he looks better than I remember, if that is even possible. My heart does a double pump, and my nerves kick into high gear. It’s now or never. This is it. He’s either going to tell me to go away, or pull me into his arms. Please let it be the latter; my heart, my mind, my soul couldn’t take it if it weren’t.
He hasn’t looked at me yet. The phone is to his ear, his other hand pulls through his hair, and he looks absolutely worried. He holds up his index finger signaling he’ll be right with me. I wonder if he was expecting someone else.
“Please, please call me as soon as you get this, baby. I need to hear from you as soon as possible. Please just call me.”
He’s worried because of me. I put that worried look on his face, and it tears at my heart that I’ve done that to him. I should have talked to him. I should have called him. I should have told him what I was feeling and why. I’ve been stupid and selfish. How could I do this to this man who has been nothing but wonderful with me? How can I live without him? How can my heart continue to beat if he’s taken it with him? He holds it within him. How can I ever be enough? How?
I push the last few thoughts out of my mind and focus on the positive and the here and now. Dash is my light in the dark, and I’ve been lost without him. I need to fix this.
Dash finally looks up from the phone, and our eyes lock. He fumbles with his phone before putting in his back pocket. I tell myself to breathe. “Sunshine?” he says, confused. His eyes scan me from head to toe and back again.
“Hi,” I reply, the word a whisper between us. Tears pool in the corner of my eyes.
He continues to stare at me, his eyes scanning my face, my body, over and over again. When they finally land on my face again, they glisten with unshed tears. Then the realization that I am actually here flashes in them.
“I’m so sorry, Dash. I’m so—” My words are silenced by his interruption.
“Don’t.”
My heart stutters in my chest, and then it stops. I hold back the onslaught of emotions threatening to overtake me. My worst fears are a reality. He doesn’t want me. This was a mistake coming here. Why did I think I was able to be with him? Blake was… he was… I need to stay strong. I can’t break in front of him. I am strong. With all the strength and will I have, I square my shoulders, raise my chin, and give him a small nod before I turn to walk away. My heart has lodged its way out of my chest and has fallen to the floor. It’s his. It’s been his since we met, and it will be his until my last breath. It might as well stay behind with him—I won’t be needing it anymore. My vision blurs as tears fill them and take in a shuddering breath. Hold it together. Get to the room, and fall apart then.
Before I can take an unsteady step away from him, away from my everything, a strong arm wraps around my waist and pulls me against a muscled chest—his muscled chest. My body stiffens momentarily, but as Dash pulls me tighter against him I melt into him. His other arm snakes around my middle, pinning me to him. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, and I certainly don’t. Let him hold me as long as he wants to until he finally lets me go. Maybe this is just his way of saying good-bye—holding me one last time. I inhale deeply, taking in his scent and committing it memory. I memorize how his arms feel around me, how my body feels against his, how we fit together like perfect pieces of a two-piece puzzle. The hole in my chest becomes a gaping chasm. He nuzzles my neck; his breath fanning against my skin, causing goose bumps to erupt everywhere.
“Sunshine.” His voice is a muted plea. At least to my ears it is. I want it to be. Desperately.
Dash pulls me tighter. “Don’t…” The word gets caught in his throat, and I feel the tears and emotional tornado I’ve been holding back start to crack the barrier. I can’t do this. I attempt to pull out of his embrace, but he just pulls me tighter. Closer. Why? Just let me go. I can’t hold back any longer.
I open my mouth to protest—to say his name—but the words, his name, die on my lips.
“Don’t… don’t apologize, there’s no need. And don’t scare me like that again. I thought I lost you. But you’re here… you’re really here.” His words must be an illusion created by my want and need for him. He was going to tell me good-bye.
“Sunshine?” His grip around me loosens and turns me around. I can’t look up at him. I can’t see the truth in his eyes; it will kill me.
“Sunshine.” Dash’s voice changes, becoming firm. I shake my head, causing a tear to loosen itself free and fall down my cheek.
“Sunshine.” His voice is a plea, and then his hand is under my chin, his finger gently tilting my head up. I squeeze my eyes shut. Squeeze them as tight as I can. I don’t want to see that I’ve lost him. His words are an illusion. They have to be.
They make a beautiful couple. Perfect for each other. Blake’s words whittle their way into my thoughts and taint everything.
“Don’t. Don’t think, Sunshine. Just feel and know. Know that I will love you harder. Know that I will love you longer. Know that I will love you forever. Know that. Believe in that, and everything else will work out. You are so embedded in my soul. You are my soul, and I can’t live without it. I can’t live without you. Don’t lose faith in that or us again. Don’t let the outside influence what we have. I know it’s hard. Believe me, I do, but together we can do anything. Together. Do I make myself clear, Sunshine?” Dash’s voice is firm—commanding. I feel his breath fan across my face and then his lips brush against my forehead, then each eyelid, and when they brush against my cheeks, it feels as though he’s erasing all the tears I’ve shed and the tears yet to come. And I believe him.
My eyes flutter open, and when I finally look up, his vibrant blue eyes hold all the love and adoration I’ve wanted my whole life. I believe him.
With a shaky voice, the words easily come out. “I do. I will. You’re… you’re my heart, Dash. You’re my heart.”
He hugs me against his chest, his hand soothingly rubbing my back—rubbing away all the hurt… all the doubt. “One day you’ll say that in front a few witnesses.” The vibrations of his voice resonate within me. And when he chuckles, it feels as though everything will be as it should, and nothing—not even Blake—will come between us again.
Reluctantly I pull away, but not out of his arms. I feel safe in his arms, and I love how strong they feel wrapped around me. “You think?”
“Oh, I know, Sunshine, I know.”
Before I know it, his hands wrap around my waist, drifting lower until he’s hoisting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, and with his lips crashing to mine in the most heated kiss I’ve ever had, we go into his room—the door slamming behind us.
DASH AND I made love over and over
again until we both passed out from exhaustion. I had never felt so connected to him until now. When he said I was his soul, I felt it in every push, every pull, every tender touch, every smoldering kiss. I felt everything. And for the first time in a relationship, I wasn’t totally scared. A part of me deep down still worries about Blake and what he’s up to, but with Dash by my side, I know things will be okay. He makes me believe that. And with every fiber of my being, I want that to be true. I know I still have a lot of work to do with Dr. Hoffman. I think being away from him all these weeks and seeing that magazine article and Blake has pushed away any gains I have made, but I am more determined than ever to make them back and then some.
The sun is now in the sky, shining brilliantly everywhere. Rome is just as beautiful as I remember, if not more so since I’m here with Dash. I stretch, feeling my muscles ache as I do. At one point during our activities Dash promised I wouldn’t be able to walk in the morning, and I think he has definitely followed through on that promise. I stretch my arms up over my head and begin to pull them back when my hand comes into contact with the most amazing thing God ever created.
Dash.
I turn on my side to get a better view of him. There’s just something about watching him sleep that wraps me in warmth. My eyes trail over his face, noting his square jaw with a light spattering of hair on it, his full lips, his chiseled cheek bones and straight nose. His eyeslashes are impossibly long and ghost over his cheeks, casting shadows against his tanned skin. My eyes travel further down. The sheet is nestled around his waist, giving me a perfect view of his defined chest and abs. The man does take care of himself. I’m sure running around on stage has something to do with it. My eyes travel back up, my hand reaches out, and my fingers gently ghost his cheek. Dash doesn’t move. My fingers move higher, finding his disarrayed, yet seems-to-have-meant-to-be-that-way hair, gently scratching his scalp. He stirs, his hips pushing forward—the sheet outlining his erection.
