by Michelle Lee
“Jules, you’re being ridiculous.” Tracy smacks Val’s arm.
“Be that as it may, It’s the truth. I feel it in my bones. Love can only do so much. Love can only take so much. I’ve pushed him. I’ve pushed him away, and this time for good. The Nadia picture thing was the beginning, this… this was the end.” I get up from the couch just as the door opens. I sense him before I see him. Dash.
I want to run to him. I want to jump into his arms and make sure he’s really here. However, my feet are firmly planted to the floor, my body frozen. The door closes behind him, but not before I see Russell in the hallway. He gives me a nod. Dash steps into the living room, but doesn’t come any closer to me. My body weeps. Val and Tracy quietly let themselves out. I know I’ll talk to them tomorrow.
We stand there only feet apart, but it might as well be miles apart. Neither of us move or says a word. I can’t take it anymore, taking a step forward. Dash’s hand raises up, stopping me from moving any further. I die a little inside. He takes off his jacket, tossing it on the couch. He doesn’t make any attempt to come closer. I turn my eyes down and study a spot on the carpet. I can’t look at him. I can’t look in his eyes as he tells me we’re done. My hair creates a curtain to hide behind as I nervously chew on my bottom lip. I wish he would just end this torture. I can’t take much more before I fall apart again.
“Don’t hide from, Jules. Remember, don’t hide from me.”
I need to hide. I know he hates it, but doesn’t he understand I need to? It’s the only way I’ll survive this. “I said don’t.” His shoes come into view, standing right in front of my feet. His breath moves my hair. His hand comes up through my curtain of hair and lifts up my chin. I keep my eyes open. If he’s going to do this, I want to look into his eyes one last time. I want to convey with mine how much I love him. How much I’ll always love him. It doesn’t matter that I will fall apart. Nothing matters, but him. With his finger holding my chin up, he leans forward, his lips briefly grazing mine. One last kiss. I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever he wants to leave me with.
He doesn’t pull away, though. Dash rests his forehead against mine. “I love you, Jules.”
I go to say the words back, but he silences me with a small kiss. “I love you more than I thought possible. I never thought I would feel this way about another person, but I do. I love everything about you. Your strength, your courage, your kind heart, your laugh, the way your body bends to mine. I love your love for food and wine and how you appreciate it and see it in a way no one has. I love your need to protect the ones you love.”
My breath hitches. He pulls away, his fingers still holding my chin. I couldn’t look away if I tried or wanted to. “I understand why you did what you did. I don’t like it, in fact I absolutely fucking hate it, but I understand. I’m glad you told Russell when you couldn’t tell me. I’m glad he was there to protect you. But…”
Oh God, here it comes. I love you, but… doesn’t the but usually negate all that was said or written before it?
“But don’t you ever… ever do it again. I will worry about my safety; that’s what Russell’s for, okay? I’m sorry I left like I did. I had to get out and clear my head. Sort things out. Try to punch Russell.”
“What?”
“Yeah, didn’t quite work out the way I wanted it to.”
I scan his face, his body, looking for an impression of Russell’s fist or worse.
“I’m fine, baby. Russell just put me in my place. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Now, please promise me you won’t keep something this important from me again. We are a team. We are in this together. Are we clear?”
“Yes.” My heart, my body, my soul, they all breathe a sigh of relief. I truly don’t deserve this man. But he’s still here, and he’s mine.
“Good. Now, what do we have here?” His fingers pull at the gap in my bathrobe.
I totally forgot about my surprise for him earlier. “I had the evening all planned. When I went into the bedroom, I was waiting for you wearing this. You were supposed to come and find me and then—surprise! But… but… things were interrupted when…” I can’t help the hitch in my voice or the tears that fall down my cheeks.
Dash doesn’t say anything. He simply picks me up and carries me as if I were a bride across the threshold, down the hall and to my room. Laying me on the bed, my robe falls completely open. Dash’s breath hitches this time. He crawls onto the bed, hovering above me, his arms on either side of my head, one leg between mine while the other straddles me. His eyes bore into my mine, and I don’t see anger or misunderstanding or anything other than love. “I’m sorry, Dash, I’m so sorry.” It isn’t enough.
“Shhhh, Sunshine, shhh, baby, it’s okay. We’re okay.”
“How can you…”
“I love you, it’s just that simple. Clear?”
“Clear. I love you.”
“I know, and I’m very lucky and happy you do. Now, you’ve said you’re sorry when you didn’t need to, but let me show you how sorry I am for leaving like I did.”
“Dash…”
“Let me show you. I’m sure you were…” He squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I… I don’t want to know… I can only imagine what that did to you. For that, I’m sorry. And now I’m going to show you. Let me show you.”
He showed me. Twice.
“GOD, JULES, I can’t get enough,” Dash responds, licking his lips.
“Too good, too fucking good,” he continues.
“You want some more?” I tease.
“Yes, God, give me more,” he begs without hesitation.
I slowly bring the glass to his lips. “Close your eyes,” I demand.
Dash complies, and I rest the rim of the glass against his plump lips. His tongue snakes out, slightly, and I tilt it back. His lips part, and the deep red liquid finds its way into his mouth.
“Tell me what you taste this time?” I say, all breathy. I am beyond turned on watching him taste the wine Enzo sent me.
He squeezes his eyes tighter and again that tongue snakes out and licks his bottom lip. “I taste… blackberries, cherries, a hint of a spiciness and…”
I can’t take any more and I quickly put the glass down and devour his lips with mine. I feel his lips pull into a smile against mine.
“I taste the best of all flavors… you,” he mumbles into my mouth.
I can’t help but smile against him. Dash wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into his lap. Our lips never part. I relish the feel of his hands ghosting on the flesh my T-shirt has exposed. He moans into my mouth as our tongues tease and taste each other. I can’t help the gasp that escapes me when he pulls me tighter against him, his hard length evident between us. I weave my fingers in his messy locks, pulling him closer. The taste of wine mixed with the taste of just Dash is overwhelming and spurs me on, the fire growing stronger deep within my core. His lips leave mine and trail their way down my neck, torturously sucking along the way.
“God, Jules, what you do to me,” he breathes, his warm breath creating goose bumps on my heated skin. His erection presses harder against me.
Before I can respond, react, Dash eases me down on the carpet, our little wine tasting completely forgotten, and settles between my legs. The slight pressure of his hard, chiseled frame gingerly rests on mine. His hand reaches up between us, and gently he cups my cheek. Brilliant, aqua blue pierces right through me. My heart swells in my chest, and a lump begins to form in my throat. I swallow hard, trying to hold back the onslaught of emotion that could easily overtake me.
“I love you.” He smiles, his eyes sparkling as moisture builds in them.
“I love you,” I echo.
His mouth finds mine again. Our kiss is tender and slow. I feel him pour into it the words he’s just expressed. I do the same. Slowly our hands explore the other and our clothes easily find their way to the floor. Bright blue meets dark brown once again as Dash fills me, slowly pushing deeper. I gasp as he continues to stretch
me, filling with all he has and all he is. Dash begins to slowly push and pull in and out of me, our eyes never losing sight of the other. Our heavy breathing fills the silent room. Love, togetherness, tenderness, and want exude from every pore, every fiber of our beings. I have never felt so connected to him as I do right now. I have never felt this connected with anyone, until the man before me walked into my life.
I am no longer just Jules and he, Dash. We are one.
Our bodies move in sync, and slowly I feel my insides tighten. Dash instantly senses I’m close to the edge. His hand finds its way between our heated, writhing bodies, seeking out my tight bundle of nerves. Dash’s nimble fingers stroke and play me like the guitar genius he is. My core tightens further and with one last flick I fall, spiraling out of control. My orgasm consumes every part of me. A warmth radiates everywhere, my breathing erratic as Dash thrusts one last time, spilling everything he has inside me. Our glistening bodies are a tangled heap on the floor as our labored breathing slowly subsides. He places tender kisses on my bare shoulder and nuzzles into my hair, both of us satiated. Dash continues to trail butterfly-like kisses along my neck and jaw until his puffy lips find mine. His lips ghost mine before molding to them, the taste of wine still lingering on his soft skin. I easily get lost in the feel of his lips on mine and I let out a low, gravely, “Hmmmm.”
“Hmmmm is right, Sunshine.”
I feel my eyes grow heavy and before I can fight against it, darkness consumes me.
I SIT IN the club watching Dash command the stage during practice. I still can’t believe this man is mine, all mine. This surely must be a dream, but if it is I never, ever want to awaken from it. The boys continue to practice for the benefit, and I divert my attention back to my laptop. Hank was gracious enough to allow me to work from home recently, although I know he silently hopes I will take the upcoming assignment of covering an event in South Beach in the coming days. As much as I would love to, a bigger part of me doesn’t. I can’t imagine being apart from Dash more than I already am.
I’m lost in my thoughts and assignment when I notice the music change. I glance at the stage and notice another band is practicing.
Where did the guys go?
I don’t notice Val or anyone else around that I am friendly with. I close my laptop and put it in my bag. I sling it over my shoulder and make my way to the entrance to backstage. I hear familiar voices as I approach.
“I know, baby, I’m so sorry, please, please forgive me?”
Dash?
“I knew she was just a distraction. I always knew you’d come back to me.”
Nadia?
I make my way further into the shadows, and I can see them.
“So, am I forgiven? You know it’s always been you, only you,” he tells her, his thumb gently caressing her cheek.
“I think I can manage that,” she purrs.
He leans in, his lips dangerously close to hers.
“Nadia, you’ve always been my soul.”
His mouth consumes hers, and unbridled passion radiates from the two of them. I feel my heart shatter in my chest, and the tears quickly stream down my face. I stumble backwards, trying desperately to go unseen.
“I told you so,” a familiar voice calls from the shadows.
I turn around and see Roland smirking at me. My feet respond before the rest of me can, and my body carries me through the club and out into the pouring rain. My world is destroyed.
I bolt right up, tears streaming down my cheeks.
It was just a dream, just a dream. The words echo in my head, trying to offer some comfort. My hand reaches over, and Dash’s side of the bed is empty. I immediately feel cold and alone. The clock on the bedside table lets me know it’s one in the morning.
“Dash?” I quietly say.
No reply. My eyes glance over to the bathroom and notice it is dark. Panic starts to settle into my bones, and my first thought is he’s gone. He left me. Just like they said he always would. Just like my dream. I can’t help the sobs that rip through my body. With blurry vision I stumble my way to the bathroom. The glow of the nightlight offers enough for me to see. I turn on the faucet and splash the cool water on my hot skin. My body continues to tremble. I then dare to look at myself in the mirror. The image before me is startling. The rims of my eyes are red and my lids are puffy. Tears stain my pale skin. Dark, purplish bruises under my eyes stare back at me. Obviously I’d been crying awhile in my sleep before I woke up. I splash more cold water on my face as I try to get my emotions under control. It was just a dream.
I set it on a loop.
I take several deep breaths, and leave the confines of the bathroom. Back in the bedroom, I’m still alone. Suddenly, my ears here a familiar sound coming from somewhere in the house.
Dash.
I stumble into the hall, my body still shaking off the residual effects of the dream and waking up alone.
Alone.
The word still haunts me. I make my way down the darkened hall, and a soft glow fills the living room. Dash is at his piano and my song slowly turns into another piece, one I’ve never heard before. I stand, numb and paralyzed. I can’t will my body to go any further into the room. I’m afraid if I do, the words, “I’m sorry, Jules, it’s over,” will easily fall from his lips. The dream is still fresh in my head and haunting me, rattling my confidence in our relationship, confidence in myself. Dash looks so at peace, so in his element. His fingers effortlessly glide over the keys, stroking just the right ones to making the sweetest melody.
My feet slowly carry me forward. My hands clutch together, my fingers intertwine. I’m afraid to look directly at him, afraid he’ll fade away. The melody stops, and when I look up, Dash is staring at me, concern on his face.
“Sunshine, are you… is everything okay?” He stands from the bench and slowly makes his way over to me.
I nod my head.
“Jules, please look at me,” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper as if he’s talking to some wild animal he doesn’t want to scare off.
I nod again. I peer up at him, my lashes still moist.
“Jules, please, what’s wrong?”
The words stick in my throat, and my body starts to shiver. I so desperately want to tell him, but a part of me can’t, it won’t. Seeing my hesitation, Dash pulls me into his arms. His hand rubs small, soothing circles on my back, and he just kisses the top of my head over and over. I somewhat relax, but the images of my dream plague me. I can’t shake them. Slowly Dash guides me over to the piano and sits me in his lap. I huddle against him, my fingers gripping his shirt, holding onto it as if it were a lifeline. He just holds me, and it’s as if time stands still and we are the only two people left in the world. I wish it could always be like this, but I know differently. A part of me knows it will always have to share Dash with the rest of the world. His career demands that I do. Silent tears begin to trail down my face.
Be strong, Jules, be strong. He loves you, you love him.
But is it enough?
Am I strong enough?
You don’t fit into his world, and you never will.
You didn’t expect it to last, did you?
These questions are the bane of my existence at the moment. Roland and Blake’s words battle in my head. Dash’s hands find their way to my waist, and he minutely pulls away. Concern, pain, anguish fog his beautiful features. I’ve made him feel this way.
“Jules, remember when we said no more secrets? That we would tell the other everything and anything that was bothering us?”
I nod, knowing he’s right. I take a deep, cleansing breath and then another. My lips twist, and I open my mouth.
Nothing.
Another deep breath.
This time my mouth and brain work together. “I had, I guess it was more of a nightmare than a dream,” I begin. The images of Nadia and Dash kissing, him caressing her, the words he expressed stream in my mind. I squeeze my eyes tight, hoping to rid my brain of the horrific images
and take another deep breath.
Dash sits patiently, quietly.
I continue, “You… you and…”
The words are foreign to my mouth, and I can’t wrap my tongue around them. Tears threaten once again to spill forth. My heart twists in my chest, tightening as it does. I feel sick. Painfully sick.
“Sunshine, it’s okay, I’m here, whatever it is,” Dash encourages.
Another deep breath and I quickly answer, “You and Nadia were together, you kissed her, you asked her to forgive you, I was just a distraction, she’s… she’s… she’s your soul.”
The emotional floodgates open, and I am fighting to stay afloat. Dash pulls me to his chest, his arms around me, holding me in a vice. He just rides the storm out with me, holding me, comforting me. After several minutes, I have nothing left and hiccups begin to riddle me. Dash leans back and stares deep in my eyes. He doesn’t say a word, just continues to gaze lovingly at me. I blink back the tears that still linger on my lashes, and he reaches his hand up and his thumb erases the last of my heartache. I wish he could erase so much more. His body moves closer to mine, his warmth blanketing me.
“Jules, I… I… I’m just so…” His words linger in the air.
Frustration flashes in his eyes.
“I don’t, I mean, shit,” he tries to continue.
He rests his forehead against mine, his eyes closed, his breathing becoming ragged. I swallow the ever-present lump that holds back the storm. Dash’s eyes open, and a tear falls between us.
“Jules, that wasn’t real, that will never be real. Nadia is nothing to me, she was never anything to me,” he starts.
We both take a deep breath.
He continues, “I know he hurt you, but I’m not him, I could never be him. I don’t want to be him. I love you more than anything in this entire world. Know that, remember that. Nothing will ever change that. No one will ever change that. It kills me that you feel this way, that you have this doubt because of my world. I would, I will, give it all up if it means keeping you happy, keeping you safe. I swear, Jules, you are all I want. You are all I need. Only you. I didn’t have a soul with any of them. You’re my soul. Only you.”
