by Anna Brooks
“You’re right. I can’t. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re good together.”
“I won’t just sleep with you. I’m not like that.”
“I know you’re not.” He stands in front of me and lifts my chin. “One more time.”
“Sam. Stop.”
“Damn, Courtney. Want me to beg? ‘Cause I will.” He inches himself closer so I’m between him and the fridge.
My eyes zero in on the calendar and I’m suddenly reminded of Kevin and our next date. A super nice, albeit kind of dorky man who I’m supposed to be dating. Crap. I forgot all about him. This is what Sam does to me. He makes me forget about everything else around me.
“I can’t be just a fuck buddy. I wish I could, but I need more than that.”
He rests his forehead on mine for a moment before kissing my cheek. “And I wish I didn’t respect you so much for that. But if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
I nod and plaster a fake smile on my face as he walks away. When the click of the front door sounds, I allow myself a moment of weakness, thinking about what I’m letting walk away, before I finish loading the dishwasher and walking upstairs to play cars with Ben.
The rest of the week is typical except for when Sam was over installing the new water heater. We avoided eye contact, and he played a few games with Ben before going home for the night. Every time I got a glimpse of him in his ratty jeans and tight t-shirt, I had to talk myself down from jumping on him. But I made the right decision. I think.
It’s now Friday, and I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Kevin’s car on the way home from our second date. My parents picked Ben up from school today and are taking him for the weekend. A rarity, but I’m not going to keep him from seeing his grandparents if they ask. It’s not his fault that we don’t get along. Since I have to work the next two nights, Kevin and I went to a matinee and early dinner. This was worse than the last date. Even if I didn’t have the whole Sam situation looming over me, there’s no way I’d ever date Kevin again. It’s just not there. No spark, no mutual interests, no chemistry.
We pull up to my house and I cross my arms to avoid holding his hand again. I’m playing the scenario in my head, running the words through it over and over again, when I finally get the nerve to tell him at my front door.
“I had a good time, Kevin, but I don’t think this is going to work.”
He takes a step back and straightens his shoulders. “What? Why?”
“You’re a really nice guy, but I just don’t have the time to date right now. I work two jobs, and with Ben . . . I’m sorry.”
He runs his fingers through his hair, and when he looks back at me, anger is laced in his features and his words. “That’s bullshit. If you really like someone, you make the time. So what’s your real reason?”
I’m taken aback by his attitude, and stutter, “I, um. It’s just that I don’t think it’ll work out.”
“Because of ME!” he yells.
“Well, no. I mean yes. Listen.” I take a step away from him, becoming scared. “You’re a really nice guy, but . . .”
“But what?” He steps closer and panic begins to form. His hands are in fists, and spit is flying out of his mouth.
“Everything okay over here?” another male voice asks. But this one calms me, it makes me feel safe.
Sam. Thank God. I peek around Kevin and see him walking up the steps wiping his hands on a rag.
“Yeah. We’re fine,” Kevin answers, not turning to look at Sam but continuing to stare at me.
“Court?” Sam asks.
“Yeah. Kevin was just leaving.”
“No, I wasn’t. We’re still talking.”
“Kevin. I’m sorry. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
He takes a step closer, and I gasp. “You’re a little cock tease.”
Sam appears in front of me, facing Kevin, and I grip the waistband of his jeans to steady myself.
“Go.”
“Fuck you, man,” Kevin spits at Sam, sounding even more angry and riled up.
“Not gonna tell you again. Go.” Sam’s voice is controlled, and it comforts me. He comforts me.
“Who the fuck are you? You fuckin’ her or something?”
Sam’s arm snakes behind, and he pries my fingers off his jeans, giving my hand a squeeze before stepping away and getting in Kevin’s face. “Talk about her like that again and I’ll break your fucking jaw.” He gives Kevin a little shove.
“Whatever, asshole.” He turns and storms away, making sure to squeal his tires as he speeds off.
I’m shocked at his behavior. I’ve only been out on two dates and had a few conversations with him on the phone, but he never showed any signs that he would act like that.
“Hey. You all right?”
“Yeah.”
“Babe, he was an ass.”
“I know, but still.” I sit on the porch swing and kick off my shoes. “I didn’t expect that kind of reaction from him.”
Sam sits next to me and pulls me to his side, gently rubbing my arm. “Can’t blame the guy for being pissed that you turned him down. It’s a hard pill to swallow.”
“Shut up.” I pinch his side and laugh. “Thanks for getting him out of here.”
“No problem.”
We swing for a few minutes in silence, and I’m enjoying being in his arms. It makes me think that there’s a chance. No. I know there is. He could be so much more, but he closes himself off. He won’t allow himself to get close to someone.
“Why can’t you give me more?”
He freezes.
“I just can’t.” His voice pained, and a hint of anger on his face.
“Why?”
He stands and paces on the old creaky wood.
“I know you’re not as closed off as you pretend. I see you with Ben.”
“You don’t know shit, Courtney,” he snaps and glares at me.
I stand on shaky legs, pissed off that I’ve had two men yell at me tonight.
“Fuck. Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” He takes a step closer then stops and tucks his hands in his jeans pockets.
“Then talk to me.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I can’t.”
I won’t push him. And he’s right. I really don’t know him, but I do know there’s something between us. I want more than anything for him to give in, but I refuse to be an afterthought. I want it all.
“Okay. Well, thanks again.”
I manage to walk into my house and shut the door before my legs give out. That’s what he does. He makes me weak.
8
Sam
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED MYSELF like I am right now. And I’ve never run so hot and cold. Spending the day with Courtney and Ben last weekend was a welcome relief to my mundane existence. It was so normal, and it reminded me how much I used to want that. When we were all over each other in the kitchen, I felt more than just the need to get into her pants; I felt desire to my core. I wish she wasn’t so set in her ways and I could have her again. But in order to do that, I’d have to give her more . . . and I just can’t.
And that jackass she was on a date with. What a piece of shit. He obviously was butt hurt from her turning him down. But no way was I gonna let him stand there and yell at her like that.
I go back to my garage and clean up the mess I made then grab a beer and put on the news channel. A door slams and I look out my window to see Courtney walking to her car. It’s dark out now, but the light from the porch shows off her bare legs and high heels. She must be going to work. That pisses me off. The thought of other guys seeing her naked chest, her flirting with them—even if it’s only to get more money from tips—it still makes me want to rip each one of their eyes out. And I’m not a violent person, normally.
Slamming my beer, I go to the kitchen to grab another one. I hop in the shower real quick then go back to the couch, mindlessly flipping through the channels until I drift off to slee
p.
Saturday comes and goes, and after I finish cutting the grass and doing a little work in the garage, I order a pizza. Lisa sent me a text asking to meet her at the bar, so I’m on my way there now.
She’s saved a seat for me, and I wave at Jim as I sit down. It’s a typical Saturday crowd, loud drunk people yelling over the music. The dim lights and buzzing neon signs giving the bar an old school feel.
“Hey,” she says, swaying in her seat.
“Hi.” I grab my beer from Jim and slide some cash to him.
“Wanna dance?”
I laugh. “No. I don’t dance. You go ahead.”
“Come on, Sam.” Her words are slurred, and her eyes bloodshot and glassy.
“What’s wrong with you? How long have you been drinking?” She’s not usually a sloppy drunk like this.
She ignores my question and stands, falling into me as she laughs. “Oops.”
I help her steady herself, and she goes to the middle of the bar, where there’s a makeshift dance floor. Only a few other people are out there right now, but they’re all caught up in themselves and don’t notice the new dancer. Her hips move slow and seductive, and she runs her hands all over her body—impressive for being wasted. Normally, this would turn me on, but I can’t even force myself to watch her. I glance around the bar, and eventually end up back at Lisa. A guy walks up to her and wraps his arms around her from behind, pressing her ass into his dick. She turns and wraps her arms around his neck then basically fucks him through their clothes.
When the song is over, he grabs her hand to lead her outside, but she pulls back. He pulls her closer and starts dancing again. Her face is hidden behind his back, but she’s tripping over her feet, clearly having had too much to drink. I haven’t known her that long, and we don’t talk much, but the woman I know is not the one I’m looking at right now.
“I wouldn’t let her do that,” Jim says from behind me.
“I was thinking the same thing. What’s her deal?”
“Her husband was in the Army. Killed overseas about six months ago. He came in regularly. Nice guy.”
Fuck. That explains a lot. The guy she’s dancing with starts to pull her toward the door again, and her drunken feet are trying to protest by digging into the floor. I set my beer down, nod at Jim, and walk over to them.
“Lisa, you ready to get outta here?” I ask.
She shakes her head at me and tries to pull away, but dancer man clearly doesn’t take the hint.
“Hey, man. I was here first, fuck off,” he says to me, continuing to pull her.
“She’s not going with you,” I tell him calmly. I grab her arm and pull her next to me, silently challenging him to argue with me.
He concedes and shoulder checks me as he walks away. “Whatever, man. Cockblock.”
Lisa wraps her arms around me and I walk with her to my truck. Once we’re both inside, I ask if she wants me to take her home.
“No. I don’t want to be there right now. Can you take me to your place?” Her words run together, but I understand what she’s saying.
Before I get out of my truck, I look around and am relieved that Courtney isn’t home. I don’t want her to see me bringing a woman home. Funny just a while ago I was trying to make her jealous, and now I don’t want to hurt her. Lisa stumbles all the way inside, and once she’s by the couch, she flops down and passes out.
I cover her with a blanket and leave a bottle of water on the coffee table before going to my own bed for the night.
The next morning, I go downstairs and am surprised to see Lisa sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee.
“Hey,” I say, scratching the back of my head, dragging my feet to the counter.
She lifts her head and gives a weak smile between the tears rolling out of her eyes.
I’m not quite sure what to do, so I pour myself a cup and sit across from her. A few minutes go by when she begins to talk. “It was our anniversary yesterday. Would have been five years.”
I grab a box of tissues and set it next to her, giving her shoulder a squeeze.
“Jim told me about your husband last night. I’m real sorry.”
“Thanks. Me, too.” She wipes her face and refills her cup. “This woman. This slutty woman who slept with you, it’s not me. It’s not who I am.”
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me.”
“I know that, but it’s just, I can’t do this with you anymore.”
No skin off my back because, honestly, the thought of fucking someone other than Courtney makes my dick limp. “It’s okay.”
“God!” she yells into the air. “I miss him so much. My house feels empty, and every time I had sex with you, I felt guilty. Like I was cheating on him. That’s why I didn’t want to look at you. I pretended it was him. I just want him back.” She puts her head in her hands and continues crying. I should be pissed off that she was thinking of someone else while I was fucking her, but somehow, it doesn’t bother me at all. I actually feel relieved.
“It’ll be all right.” I awkwardly pat her back and realize how much easier it is to comfort Courtney. I feel bad for Lisa, but I don’t have the need to take her pain away, to hold her until she stops crying.
“My friend should be here soon. I asked her to pick me up then I’m going to stay at my parent’s house for a while.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks, Sam. I appreciate you being so nice about all of this.”
“We’ve all got our own shit to deal with.”
“What shit do you have?”
“Eh,” I shrug, “just stuff from my past.”
“Ahh. The infamous past. We’ve all got one, I suppose.”
Her phone dings and she quickly checks it. “That’s my ride. Thanks again.”
“I’ll walk you out.” When we get to the porch, she gives me a hug. Right when she’s about to pull away, Ben’s little voice interrupts us, and she pulls back just far enough for me to see him and Courtney walking up the steps.
“Hey, Sam! Look, my grandpa got me a new baseball. It glows in the dark!” He throws it and I catch it as Lisa steps away.
“I’ll see you around, Sam.” Lisa gives me a kiss on the cheek and gets in her friend’s car. I squeeze the baseball because I know it’ll tear me apart when I look at Courtney.
“Ben, let’s go.” I whip my head in her direction because the anger in her voice is something I’ve never heard before.
Yup. She’s pissed.
“Can’t I play catch with Sam?”
“No. Get in the house!”
He hangs his head and follows as she storms away. The door slams, and I tilt my head up and close my eyes. Fuck.
I still have Ben’s baseball, and I know he’ll want it back, so later that night after I know he’s sleeping, I knock on her front door. Even if I didn’t have this excuse, I would still come over here. I’ve gotta see her and explain things. I need to find a way to be with her. Even if that means going against everything I’ve tried so hard to stand by.
She steps onto the porch and crosses her arms. “What?”
“Here.” I throw her the ball.
“Thanks.” She catches it and turns around, but I grab her arm.
“That wasn’t what it looked like.”
“What? You fucked a woman and she walked out of your house not even a week after we dry humped each other in the middle of my kitchen?”
“No.”
“Oh, really?” She crosses her arms and squints at me. “So it was just my imagination?”
“I didn’t fuck her.” I wish I knew why I feel the need to tell her this. It’d be so much easier if she stayed mad at me.
“You expect me to believe that?” She shrugs my arm off.
“You went on a date, Courtney. How’s that okay with you?”
“It was already planned. And I didn’t fuck him.”
“I didn’t fuck her.” I step closer.
“Right. Whatever. I’ve given you the
opportunity. I gave you the chance to try, Sam. But I won’t be a second choice, and I won’t be one of your whores. I’m done with whatever the hell this thing is between us.” She leans into me to emphasize her distaste, and her damn attitude is making me hard again.
“Why would I lie to you? Hmm? What gain do I get from that?”
“Because you think if I think you’re not sleeping with her then I’ll magically spread my legs for you again. Not gonna happen. It shouldn’t have happened the first time.”
I shake my head at the bullshit coming from her mouth. I’ve never argued with a woman before like this. It’s insane. “You’re fucking nuts, Court. You wanted it just as bad as me. And if you’d open your pretty little eyes, you’d see that I’m looking back at you, not just to get between your legs.”
“Whatever. I don’t care.” Again, she turns to walk away.
“If you don’t care, then why are you so pissed?” My words make her freeze. She rests her forehead on the door and shakes her head back and forth.
“You care for the same reasons I don’t want to. Christ, woman. You make me feel.”
Without turning around, she answers, “How am I supposed to know that? You haven’t given me a reason to believe you feel anything other than a hard-on.”
I laugh, but she turns to glare at me and my laughter dies when I see the unshed tears in her eyes. “Come here.” I hold my arms out, and she hesitates a second before walking into them and burying her face in my chest. “I swear to you, this is me trying. What else do you want from me?”
“This is you trying what?”
I run my hands through her hair and contemplate my answer. What do I really want? A relationship? A steady lay?
“How’s this? You don’t go on any more dates, and I won’t, either.”
Her laughter vibrates across my chest. “You call them dates. How chivalrous of you.”
“Don’t laugh at me. This is a big deal.”
She pulls back. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“So, since I can’t date, are you going to take me out?” She raises her eyebrows in challenge.
“I don’t do the whole dinner thing.”
“Then I won’t be doing you.”
