by Anna Brooks
She’s right, and if this were any other situation, anything else aside from Ben, I would never accept money from someone else. But it’s my only choice.
“I hate that I have to,” I admit.
“Would you do it for me?”
“Of course . . . if I could, I would.”
“Then it’s settled. You call around and get an appointment with a lawyer, and I’ll go to the bank on Monday. We’ll get this figured out. He won’t take Ben.”
I wish her confidence was infectious, but I know the outcome of this. Poor single mother against a somehow rich man, using the best lawyers in the city. His word over mine. I work at a strip club. And I’m so pissed at myself for not getting anything in writing when I had Ben. All I did was list him on the birth certificate. I didn’t have him sign his rights away.
“Why was I so stupid?”
“You’re not stupid. Why would you say that?”
“I didn’t have him sign anything; I let him kick me out then I just left. What the hell is wrong with me?” I look at her in shock. “My parents were right. All this time I’ve been so stubborn. I should have listened to them, and now Ben will be taken away from me.”
If I could control it, I’d try to be quiet and not so dramatic. But I can’t. My entire body shakes, and the fear of losing my son has every cell running through my veins on fire. My vision becomes blurry, and Mona’s worried voice fades in and out. My breath is lost and I grip my chest, trying to find a way to breathe again.
Strong arms wrap around me and the timbre of Sam’s husky voice breaks through the density. I blink, and his handsome face becomes clearer, worry lines creasing his forehead. As if emerging from underwater, their words make sense again, and I cling to Sam for comfort. His woodsy scent and strong body make me feel safe for the moment, and I rest my head on his chest.
Mona’s frantic hands move all over me as Sam lays me on the couch. The nurse in her is coming out, and I wince when she shines a flashlight into my eyes.
“Stop. I’m fine.” I try to sit up, but become dizzy again. “Whoa.”
“Lay down, babe. You need to rest.” Sam has a wet towel and glass of water with a straw.
“What happened?”
He kneels on the floor, pressing the cool cloth to my forehead, and looks at Mona.
“You had a panic attack,” she says.
“Oh. That makes sense.”
“Here.” Sam offers me the straw, and I take a sip, immediately relieved when the cool liquid eases my sore throat.
“Mommy, what happened?” Ben stands timidly by the end of the coffee table. He shouldn’t see me like this.
“Mommy doesn’t feel very good, buddy. Let’s go back upstairs, okay? She doesn’t want you to catch her cold,” Sam says. He takes control of the situation and picking Ben up, disappears upstairs. He somehow knows that I don’t want Ben seeing me in this state.
“You okay with that?” Mona asks, motioning to where they just went.
“Yeah.”
I’m able to sit up and finally calm down.
“How did he get in here?” I ask.
“Used his key. He said he heard you crying and knew what happened, so he wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Oh.” My world is about to end, but I allow a small smile knowing he cares about me enough to check on me.
“How did he know?” Her accusatory tone is not lost on me. She’s not the biggest fan of Sam after what he did. I don’t blame her; I’d feel the same way if the roles were reversed.
“He was there this morning when I got the letter.” And just like that, the memory of the blonde leaving his place ruins any smile I had. It reminds me how much he doesn’t want more with me. That I was just a convenient lay. Even though deep down, there’s something there with us. I felt it.
“He’s asleep again.” Sam returns and sits next to me, resting his hand on my jean-clad thigh. “You feel better?”
“Yeah. I’m good. You can go now.”
He flinches but doesn’t make a move to get up. “I contacted a lawyer for you. A good one. He needs all sorts of documentation from you. Debts, pay stubs, lists of ex-boyfriends, family. He’s gotta prove that you’re stable and a loving mother.” He stops talking, and I continue to look at him with my jaw open, confused. He gives a small smile before finishing. “Of course, that won’t be hard because you’re a great mom. He’ll be in contact with you on Monday. So in the meantime, if you can gather up whatever might be useful and get it ready for him, that would help speed the process along.”
“Wait. Hold the phone,” Mona shouts. “What are you talking about?”
“I got a lawyer for Courtney. I told her I was going to this morning.”
“No,” I state, curling my legs under me so I can turn and look at him closer. “You said you’d take care of it.”
“Yes. And I also said I know a lawyer, and he owes me a favor.”
“But I don’t have the money for a lawyer.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
“How can that be? Something doesn’t seem right here, Sam.” Mona steps next to me and offers her hand on my shoulder for support.
“Look. He’s good. Really fucking good. And he owes me for something that happened a long time ago. If it makes you feel better, I’m not paying him either.” He nervously rubs the back of his neck. “Once he wins this case, we’re even.”
“But I’ll still owe you something,” I say.
“What is that supposed to mean?” he snaps.
“Well, shit. What am I supposed to think? You ignore me for a month then just show up like a fucking hero with your super lawyer and shit. And you expect me to think you don’t want something. Wait.” I laugh bitterly. “You want to get laid again. Fine. Whatever. I already walk around half naked for money, what’s one step further?”
He stands and leans down, inches from my face. I look at Mona, who has her phone out, fear written on her face that Sam would lay his hands on me. I quickly shake my head at her. The last thing I need is for the cops to be called. And Sam would never hurt me.
“Don’t you ever talk about yourself like that again. You are not a fucking hooker.” He rests his forehead on mine and lowers his voice so only I can hear. “The past month has been torture. I was an asshole, and I owe you an apology. I have a fucked-up past, and it’s made me cynical. Please, just give me another chance. I won’t put any pressure on you. I know you’re dealing with a shit storm right now, but I want you to know I’m here for you, with you. Only you.”
“What about this morning, the woman?”
“She came by last night but nothing happened. She slept on the couch and left first thing. I swear it.”
I’m not sure I buy what he’s saying, and it must show on my face because he continues, “Her husband was killed overseas a while ago, and she’s having some problems adjusting. I promise nothing happened.”
Oh, no. I couldn’t imagine going through that. The sincerity on his face shows, so I drop my guard and let him in. I’ve missed having him with me.
“I’m scared,” I whisper and wrap my arms around his neck because I can tell he’s sincere. I don’t give a shit about what’s happened in the past month right now; all I know is he’s here now, and he makes me feel safe. That’s something I’ve never had before, so there’s no way I’m letting him go.
“It’ll be okay. I won’t let anything bad happen to you or Ben.”
And I believe him.
13
Sam
LAST NIGHT I BARELY made it to my bed before I passed out. Physically, I wasn’t tired, but my brain was fried. Seeing my dad went better than I had expected. If I could put a word to what I’m feeling, it would be a combination of relief and anger, I guess. Always anger with that man.
I don’t know what caused him to change his mind, but no way in hell am I going to question it. He’s too concerned about his reputation to not go balls to the wall and win this case, so I’m not worried about him screwing ov
er Courtney.
After I had gone to the bar, Jim made me sober up before I drove home. I was about to go inside when Courtney’s cry had me rushing to her door. I knocked, but when she didn’t answer and her cries got louder, I used my key and let myself in.
Staying with her for a while and comforting her came so natural. Ben, too. I read him a book and he fell asleep in my lap. If I could have stayed with him longer, I would have, but I wanted to make sure Courtney was holding up all right.
If I’m being honest with myself, I was relieved that she believed me about Lisa. I was worried she wouldn’t, but her trust in me is just another thing that draws me to her.
Once I was positive she was okay for the rest of the night, Mona walked me to the door and glared at me right before slamming it in my face. I deserved it. She’s a good friend to Courtney; I can’t fault her for that.
I’ve just finished my morning run, and Mona’s car is gone. Since I’m all sweaty, I grab a quick shower before going to see Courtney. I’m sure she’ll need some help today, and I need to prove to her that I’m not an asshole . . . not anymore.
She opens her front door and even though exhausted, she’s fucking beautiful. No make-up and her hair’s all messy like she just ran her fingers through it. Don’t know how she can pull off sexy in a t-shirt and pajama pants with ducks on them, but she does.
“Hey.” She yawns.
“Hey. I thought I’d stop by and see if you needed help with anything.”
“Oh. Umm, I’m all right.”
I run my finger down the side of her face, and her eyes slowly close. “Let me help you. Not only because I need to make up for being a dick but because I want to.”
“I can’t deal with getting hurt by you again right now,” she whispers and slowly raises her lashes.
Her words burn, but I deserve her hesitation. I will prove her wrong. “You won’t. I’m not trying to-” Frustrated, I can’t get the words right, and I drop my hand and shove it in my pocket. How do I tell her that I want to be with her but expect her to believe me after the way I treated her and the shit I said?
“No. I get it. Fine.” She turns and says over her shoulder. “Make yourself at home.”
“Hey, Sam!” Ben yells from the floor of the living room, tongue sticking out, concentrating on a video game.
“Hi, buddy.”
“Wanna play?”
Courtney went upstairs, and I’m here to help, so I grab the other controller and sit next to him. We play for about a half hour when she comes back downstairs dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt.
“It’s almost lunchtime. What do you want to eat?”
“I’m not hungry,” he replies.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, she answers, “You need to eat, and I swear if you don’t give me an answer, I’m taking that game and throwing it in the garbage.”
“Fine. Hot dogs.”
“I don’t have any. How about a sandwich?”
“No. I want hot dogs.”
“I don’t have any!” she yells.
Her gaze catches mine, and she passes a silent plea. She’s never yelled at him like that in front of me; she must be at her limit.
“Let’s go look in the kitchen and see what else we can find. I’ll help you.” I lean closer to his ear and whisper, “If we find any candy, we’ll have to hide it and eat it when your mom’s not looking.”
He giggles and looks back and forth between us then cups his hand at my ear. “I know where she hides it.”
I make a production of standing and face Courtney. “We’ll make our own lunch. We’re men.”
Ben copies and crosses his arms. “Yeah, Mommy. We’re men.”
A smile pulls at her lips, and she nods. “Yes, you are. I’m going to look for some stuff in the basement while you do that, okay?”
“Okay!” His little feet run him to the kitchen and drawers start slamming.
“I’ll go make sure he doesn’t break anything. Do what you need to, I got him.”
When I step past her, she grabs my wrist. I turn my head, and she mouths, ‘Thank you.’ I lean down and kiss the top of her head before she walks downstairs to rummage through papers.
* * *
Several hours later, after playing catch, board games, and going to the park with Ben, I pay the delivery guy and yell for Courtney, “Pizza’s here.”
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
I open the box and set it in the middle of the kitchen table then grab a beer for myself, a juice box for Ben, and pour a glass of wine for Courtney.
Ben and I dig in, and she joins us a minute later.
“Did you find everything you need?” I ask.
“Mostly. I think so. I’ll have to see what the law- guy says.”
“What guy?” Ben asks.
She takes a sip of wine before answering. “Just a friend who needs something.”
Already distracted, he focuses on stretching the cheese as far away from his mouth as he can.
I’ve hardly talked to her all day, so I lean over and quietly ask, “What time is he coming?” She doesn’t know he’s my father, and I’d like to keep it that way. I’m sure she’ll find out, and as much as I don’t want to, I’ll have to tell her about my past and how he plays into me being the man I am today. Was. The man I was. He has nothing to do with the man I am right now, sitting at this table.
She glances at Ben before answering. “When he called today, he said he could only do it on his lunch tomorrow, so I took a half day. He’s coming here at noon.”
“Do you want me to be here?” I plan on it no matter what because I don’t want her alone with him, but she should be the one to tell me instead of me barging in on her all the time.
“I was hoping you would since you know him. I’m so nervous.” Her voice gets softer with every word, and I grab her hand under the table. Relief washes over me when she grips mine back and doesn’t let go.
“I’m done, Mom!” Ben yells.
“‘Kay. Go wash up and put your jammies on.”
“Can I stay up a little later?”
“No, it’s a school night. Did you thank Sam for playing with you today?”
“Thanks, Sam.”
“Anytime, buddy.” Christ, do I mean that. I had fun with the kid today, and it’s been a long time since that’s happened. He asks a million questions and is funny as hell. Courtney’s done a great job raising him.
“Do you want another slice?” she asks.
“No. But you should, you didn’t even finish the first one.”
“I’m not really hungry.”
“All right.” Come to think of it, unless she ate while we were at the park, she didn’t come upstairs all day for food. I’ll have to keep an eye on that.
We both move around the kitchen to clean up the mess, and when she opens the cabinet to throw out the garbage, the door is loose.
“How long has that been broken?”
She pushes the trash in and lifts the door by the handle to align it before closing it. “What?”
“The cabinet door. It’s loose.”
“Oh, that. I don’t know. A while?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s not a big deal.” She shrugs.
“It is to me. You need to tell me so I can fix shit like that.” Not only is she paying me rent, but she shouldn’t live in a home with broken doors.
“Okay.”
“Is there anything else broken?”
She shakes her head as she pours another glass of wine and hands me a beer. “Nope. Not that I can think of.”
“You tell me if something breaks or is loose or leaking or whatever, okay?”
“It’s really not a big deal.”
I set down the empty can and open the new one. “Please. Tell me.”
Her brows draw together, and she tilts her head a bit. “Why is this so important to you all of the sudden?”
“Hell, I don’t know. You shouldn’t live in a
place with shit that’s broken. Especially with me next door. I’m here to help you, and I want you to come to me for stuff.” This whole conversation is making me mad, so I try to change the subject. “Doesn’t Ben need to go to bed?” I cringe the moment the words come out because that sounded shitty. “That’s not how I meant it.”
“What did you mean, then?” She crosses her arms and gets that pissed off look on her face that shoots straight to my dick.
“I’m just trying to change the subject. I don’t want to fight with you over a fucking cabinet door.”
“I didn’t realize we were fighting. I thought we were talking.” Lifting her hands in surrender, she finishes, “Look, you say you want to try again and prove to me you’re here. Then you’re gonna have to talk. I’m just trying to get to know you. Wanna know why fixing a door is so important.”
“Fine. But why are we still talking about a damn door?”
“Because! You won’t answer my question.”
“What was the question again?” I didn’t forget but seeing her riled up is so hot.
“Oh, my God! You’re infuriating.” She takes another swallow of her wine. “I’m going to put Ben to bed; you stay here and fix the freaking door.”
When her arm brushes past me on her way out of the kitchen, I grab it and pull her back against my front then wrap my arms around her. “I know that the door wasn’t broken when I was here last month.” My words are quiet. I’m trying to get her to understand, and I suck at talking about how I feel. I am a guy, after all. “So that means it broke and you didn’t feel comfortable coming to me to tell me.”
Her head hangs a little, and there’s my answer.
“And that’s my fault. It pisses me off that I was such a fucking prick to you. You didn’t deserve it. So that’s why I’m so mad . . . it ain’t got shit to do with the door, but all about you, babe. Everything always comes back to you.”
She turns and places her right hand on the side of my face then leans up and presses her lips against mine. It’s a small kiss, but a huge step in the right direction.
“Thank you,” she whispers against my mouth.
* * *
“He’s sleeping.”
“Good. Come here.” I hold my arm out on the couch, and she cuddles next to me, her head resting on my chest.
