by Dave Barry
MAYOR: My name is “Hallwood.” You said “Hallbread.” KERNEL: Look, Hallbread, do you want to be on the news or don’t you?
MAYOR: Yes, of course, it’s just that my name is ...
KERNEL: Listen, this is the top-rated news show in the three-county area, and if you think I have time to memorize every stupid detail, you’d better think again.
MAYOR: I’m sorry. “Hallbread” is fine, really.
KERNEL: Thank you, Mayor Hallbread. And now back to Wilson Westbrook in the On-the-Spot Action Eyewitness News Studios.
WESTBROOK: Thank you, Reese; keep us posted if anything further develops on that important story. And now, as I promised earlier, we have actual color film of various objects that either burned or crashed, which we will project on the screen behind me while I talk about them. Here is a building on fire. Here is another building on fire. Here is a car crash. This film was shot years ago, but you can safely assume that objects just like these crashed or burned in the three-county area today. And now we go to my Co-Anchorperson, Stella Snape, for a Special Report on her exhaustive three-week investigation into the problem of child abuse in the three-county area. Well, Stella, what did you find?
SNAPE: Wilson, I found that Child abuse is very sad. What happens is that people abuse children. It’s just awful. Here you see some actual color film of me standing in front of a house. Most of your child abuse occurs in houses. Note that I am wearing subdued colors.
WESTBROOK (reading from a Script): Are any efforts under way here in the three-county area to combat child abuse?
SNAPE: YeS.
WESTBROOK: Thank you, Stella, for that informative report. On the lighter side, On-the-Spot Action Eyewitness Reporter Terri Tompkins has prepared a three-part series on roller-skating in the three-county area.
TOMPKINS: Roller-skating has become a major craze in California and the three-county area, as you can see by this actual color film of me on roller skates outside the On-the-Spot Action Eyewitness News Studio. This certainly is a fun craze. Tomorrow, in Part Two of this series, we’ll see actual color film of me falling down. On Wednesday we’ll see me getting up.
WESTBROOK: We’ll look forward to those reports. Our next story is from Minority-Group Reporter James Edwards, who, as he has for the last 324
consecutive broadcasts, spent the day in the minority-group sector of the three-county area finding out what minorities think.
EDWARDS: Wilson, I’m standing in front of a crowd of minority-group members, and as you can see, their mood is troubled. (The crowd smiles and waves at the camera.)
WESTBROOK: Good report, James. Well, we certainly had a sunny day here in the three-county area, didn’t we, Humorous Weatherperson Dr. Reed Stevens?
STEVENS: Ha ha. We sure did, though I’m certainly troubled by that very troubling report Stella did on child abuse. But we should see continued warm weather through Wednesday. Here are a bunch of charts showing the relative humidity and stuff like that. Ha ha.
WESTBROOK: Ha ha. Well, things weren’t nearly as bright on the sports scene, were they, Genial Sports Personality Jim Johnson? JOHNSON: No, Wilson, they certainly weren’t. The Three-County Community College Cutlasses lost their fourth consecutive game today. Here you see actual color footage of me watching the game from the sidelines. The disgust is evident on my face. I intended to have actual color film of me interviewing the coach after the game, but the team bus crashed and everyone was killed.
WESTBROOK: Thank you, Jim. And now, here is Basil Holp, the General Manager of KUSP-TV, to present an Editorial Viewpoint: HOLP: The management of KUSP-TV firmly believes that something ought to be done about earthquakes. From time to time we read in the papers that an earthquake has hit some wretched little country and knocked houses down and killed people. This should not be allowed to continue. Maybe we should have a tax or something. What the heck, we can afford it. The management of KUSP-TV is rolling in money.
ANNOUNCER: The preceding was the opinion of the management of KUSP-TV. People with opposing points of view are probably in the vast majority.
WESTBROOK: Well, that wraps up tonight’s version of the On-the-Spot Action Eyewitness News. Tune in tonight to see essentially the same stories.
Radio’s Air Heads
If you don’t listen to radio talk shows, you really should, because it gives you a chance to reassure yourself that a great many people out there are much stupider than you are. Here’s how these shows go:
HOST: Hi, this is “You Get to Talk on the Actual Radio,” the show where You Make a Difference. I’m your host, Hubert Spankle, going under the radio name David Windsor Castle, which sounds better. Today I thought we’d talk about President Reagan’s economic plan. What do you think about it? Let’s go to the phones and find out. Hello, you’re on the air.
CALLER: Hello, David?
HOST: This is David. Go ahead.
CALLER: Am I on the radio now?
HOST: Yes, you are. Go ahead.
CALLER: Go ahead and talk?
HOST: Yes. Go right ahead and talk.
CALLER: I’m so nervous.
HOST: Don’t be nervous. Go right ahead and talk. Right now. Just talk.
CALLER: Well, I just wanted to tell you what happened to my husband. He was riding the lawn mower, which we just got at Sears—can I say Sears?—well, let’s just say we just got it at a major department store, and believe me it wasn’t cheap, and he was driving it near the kitchen window, and all of a sudden he crashed right through the septic tank, and he disappeared right into the ground, and the firemen had to come and get him out, and I spent three hours going over the lawn tractor with Lysol—can I say Lysol?—and it still doesn’t smell what you’d call attractive, not to mention my husband, and I think they ought to make those septic tanks stronger, because a lot of people have lawn tractors, and ...
HOST: I certainly hear what you’re saying. What do you think of President Reagan’s economic plan?
CALLER: President Reagan’s what?
HOST: His economic plan.
CALLER: Well, I really haven’t been too involved in it, because we live in the suburbs, which is why we got the lawn tractor, but we had no idea that our septic tank ... HOsT: Thanks for your views. Let’s see how some of our other listeners feel about President Reagan’s economic plan. Hello, you’re on the air.
CALLER: Hello, Frank?
HOST: No, this is David Windsor Castle, and you’re on “You Get to Talk on the Actual Radio.” What’s on your mind?
CALLER: What’s on my mind is I’m trying to get hold of Frank, because I just found out that Denise ...
HOST: Excuse me, but this is a radio show, and there is no Frank here. CALLER: Well, when he gets there you better tell him that Denise found out about what’s been going on at the Jolly Goat Motel. Somebody sent her pictures of Frank, Louella, Preston, and the trained snakes, and the last I heard Denise was buying a gun, so he’d better ...
HOST: Okay, let’s see if any of our other listeners have anything to add about President Reagan’s economic plan. Hello, you’re on the air.
CALLER: Yeah, I’m calling about that lady with the septic tank. It just so happens I make septic tanks, and there’s no way u can make one collapse with just a lawn tractor unless the guy who’s riding it weighs about six hundred pounds. Why didn’t you ask her how much her husband weighs? I bet he’s a real lard bucket. You see these guys out on their lawn tractors, flab hanging down almost to the ground, and it makes you want to puke.
HOST: Let’s go to another caller. You’re on the air.
CALLER: Hi. I’d like to talk about President Reagan’s economic plan.
HOST: Thank God.
CALLER: It seems to me that people are being too quick to criticize the President’s plan, before it has had a chance to ... Oh no!
(In the background is the sound of a door lock being shot open with a .35 7
magnum.)
CALLER: Denise!
(More shots, screams)
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br /> HOST: Well, that concludes today’s version of “You Get to Talk on the Actual Radio.” Tune in tomorrow, when we’ll explore the situation in the Middle East.
What To Ban On Video
I keep reading these stories about these towns that want to ban video arcade games, as if these games were part of the International Communist Conspiracy. You know:
POND SCUM, ARKANSAS—The town council in this small pig-farming community voted tonight to ban video arcade games on the grounds that they are a threat to the moral fiber of the town’s youth. “The youths in this town barely got any moral fiber left to speak of, and I blame these here video games,” charged Council President Lionel B. Sparge. “When I was a youth, Pond Scum didn’t have no video games, and we found plenty to do. For example, we’d stand around and spit.
I agree with the people who want to ban video games. These games definitely destroy your moral fiber. At least they destroy my moral fiber. I have this video game that I play all the time on my personal home computer, which I keep back in a back bedroom. I don’t allow my two-year-old son to get near it, because it might destroy his moral fiber, and also he tends to pull the plug right when I’m in an important phase of my game, such as when the aliens materialize out of hyperspace.
So what has happened is that my son has been going through all these critical stages of growth and development out in the living room, and I’ve missed most of it. Not that I mind all that much, really, since if you want to participate in my son’s growth and development you have to read him these profoundly dull children’s books with names like Let’s Go to a Condiments Factory and Tommy the Toad Vacuums the Carpet. So I’ve left his development pretty much in the hands of my wife, with instructions that she should call me if he reaches any new developmental stages so I can come out to the living room and watch him for a few minutes.
And I’m not the only one whose moral fiber is being destroyed. It is a proven scientific fact that video games are also corrupting American youth. In a recent experiment, scientific researchers exposed a group of teenaged boys to an arcade game, and found that all of them had unclean sexual thoughts. Of course, the researchers got the same result when they exposed the boys to coleslaw, an alpaca sweater, and “The MacNeil-Lehrer Report,” but that is beside the point. The point is that we should all write letters to our elected officials and urge them to ban video games.
And while they’re at it, they should also ban golf. Golf is similar to video games in that it is a monumentally useless activity that people become obsessed with and waste a lot of money on, but it has the added drawback of encouraging people to wear really stupid clothing, such as pants that can be seen with the naked eye from other galaxies. I strongly suspect that if our nation’s youth continue to play video games, many of them will eventually graduate to golf, so I say let’s kill two birds with one stone and ban them both.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “How, in a free country such as this, can we ban video games and golf, yet continue to permit stamp-collecting?” You’re absolutely right, and I’m only sorry I didn’t think of it myself. It would be hard to conceive of an activity more useless than stamp-collecting, except maybe water-skiing or the Rose Bowl parade, so I suppose these things will have to be banned too, along with fraternal organizations, music, tropical fish, racquetball, and any activity whatsoever involving Ed McMahon. Also, anybody attempting to operate a beauty pageant should be shot without trial.
Of course, this is only a partial list of the useless, fiber-destroying activities that should be banned, and I’m sure you’ll think of plenty more when you write to your elected officials. The important thing isn’t so much what you want to ban; it’s the fact that you participate in the banning process. That’s what democracy is all about.
Subtract Those Ads
I strongly suspect that the people who appear in television commercials are imported from the planet Jupiter. I can think of no other way to explain their behavior. Take, for example, the commercials for Coca-Cola in which an extremely interracial group of people gathers on a hillside, holding candles, and sings:
I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect har-mo-nee I’d like to buy the world a Coke And keep it com-pa-nee.
This is not the way native Earth people behave. Native Earth people do not gather interracially on hillsides for any purpose other than to watch motorcyclists leap over cars. And native Earth people, at least the ones I know, see no connection whatsoever between Coca-Cola and world harmony. In fact, I’m willing to bet statistics would show that Coca-Cola sales and world tension have both been increasing steadily for the past thirty years or so.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying Coca-Cola causes world tension. I happen to be very fond of Coca-Cola. It tastes fine, and it makes an excellent industrial cleanser. I’m just saying the people in Coca-Cola’s commercials either are deranged or come from another planet.
And it’s not just Coca-Cola commercials. You can watch commercials for days and never see anything approaching normal human behavior. I think that, in the interest of honesty, the government ought to pass a law requiring companies to use regular Earth people in their commercials. Here’s how they would behave:
Commercials For Men’s Hair Darkeners
(The commercial opens with a white-haired man and a dark-haired man standing in an office.)
WHITE-HAIRED MAN: I’M worried that the boss won’t give me that Big Promotion.
DARK-HAIRED MAN: That’s because you look too old. Here, take this hair-darkening stuff home and smear it in your hair every night.
WHITE-HAIRED MAN: Thanks a million. I’ll try it.
(The scene shifts to the boss’s office, several weeks later. The formerly white-haired man now has extremely dark, glossy hair. He looks as though he has a wet cat on his head.)
BOSS: I called you in here to tell you I’ve decided to give you ... My God, what’s that on your head?
FORMERLY WHITE-HAIRED MAN: My hair. I’ve been smearing stuff on it every night.
BOSS: It looks like a wet cat.
FORMERLY WHITE-HAIRED MAN: What did you want to see me about? Boss: Uh, nothing. On your way out, ask my secretary to send in somebody who looks distinguished.
Commercials For Headache Remedies
(A woman is sitting at a table on which are four bowls. She is facing many bright lights. From behind the lights, a faceless man is talking to her.)
FACELESS MAN: Mrs. Jones, do you have a headache?
WOMAN: Yes, and those lights aren’t helping one bit.
FACELESS MAN: Which of these leading pain relievers do you think has the most laboratory-proven pain-killing ingredient?
WOMAN: You mean aspirin, right? Why do you guys always dream up these elaborate names for aspirin? Why don’t you just call it aspirin? And why are you hiding behind those lights?
FACELESS mAN: Look, this leading brand has only 450 milligrams of laboratory-proven pain-killing ingredient. And this brand has only 450
milligrams. And this brand has only ...
WOMAN: Shut up! Just shut up! Isn’t it bad enough that I have a headache? Do I also have to sit here in front of a bunch of hot lights and listen to some idiot blither about milligrams? I’m going to go home and take some aspirin.
Commercials For Smoker’s Tooth Polish
(Two people are standing at a cocktail party, smoking cigarettes.)
FIRST SMOKER: Say, I have an idea: Why don’t you exhale some cigarette smoke through this white handkerchief?
SECOND SMOKER: That sounds like a swell idea. (He blows some smoke through the handkerchief.)
FIRST SMOKER: Look at that brown glop. Imagine what that’s doing to your teeth.
SECOND SMOKER: My teeth? What about my lungs, for God’s sake? I’ve got to quit.
(The first smoker coughs violently and spits something disgusting into the handkerchief.)
Commercials For Stove-Top Stuffing
(A woman and her husband
are shopping in a supermarket. A man with a microphone approaches them.)
MAN WITH MICROPHONE: Mrs. Brown, which do you think your husband would rather have for dinner: potatoes or Stove-Top Stuffing?
WOMAN: I don’t see where that’s any of your business.
MAN WITH MICROPHONE: Well, Mr. Brown?
HUSBAND: Geez, I don’t know. Stove-Top Stuffing, I guess.
MAN WITH MICROPHONE: Well, Mrs. Brown, what do you think of that?
WOMAN: I think that if my husband is going to go around telling perfect strangers that he doesn’t like the food I cook, then he can cook his own damn food.
Commercials For Wisk
(Two men are talking at a party, as their wives listen.)
FIRST MAN: I’m feeling really wrung out lately.
SECOND MAN (jeeringly): That’s because you’ve got ring around the collar. Ha ha.
(The first man shakes his head sadly, then walks away.)
SECOND MAN: What’s with him?
SECOND MAN’S WIFE: His mother just died, you idiot.
Low Finance
A Matter Of Life And Debt
First of all, let me assure you that we are not in a depression. The key economic indicator of a depression is that you suddenly start seeing a lot of primitive black-and-white newsreel films of people wearing old-fashioned hats and overcoats and forming lines in the streets of major cities to obtain bread. So far, all the lines of people have been videotaped in color, which is the sign of a stable economy. Also, the people have not been lining up for bread. They have been lining up for cheese, which the government has several million tons of.
Some of you are no doubt wondering why the government has so much cheese. It’s because of the Strategic Dairy Products Act, which was passed in 1947 to guarantee that the nation never becomes dependent on some unreliable foreign power, such as France, for its cheese supply. So for years the government has been paying huge sums of money to dairy farmers for cheese that winds up sitting in government warehouses as a permanent reminder to the cheese-making nations of the world that we are a strong, self-reliant people.
