“Why can't you try to run things from here?” Kate said sensibly. But it was more complicated than that.
“How can I do that?” he asked in exasperation, his temper was short these days. He was always tired, always running, always on a plane to somewhere. And Kate was bored at home, and felt more anxious when he was away. His lengthy absences were beginning to wear on her. She knew Joe loved her, but she was lonely when he was gone. “How the hell do you expect me to sit in an office here, when I have employees halfway around the world? Why don't you do something to keep busy? Do Red Cross work again or something. Play with the kids.” He was too tired to deal with it, and most of the time brushed her off. And when he was traveling, he was irritable and his temper was short. But from Kate's perspective, she was thirty years old, had a husband she was crazy about, and spent most of her time alone.
She went to dinner parties without him, spent weekends with the children, went to sleep alone at night, and had to explain to people who wanted to see them that her husband wouldn't be there. All of New York wanted to invite them, the Allbrights were much in demand, he had become the most important man in aviation in eight short years, and he was only forty-two years old. He had achieved what he had totally on his own, and he was not only admired for his skill as a pilot, but for his genius in business. Everything Joe touched turned to gold. But the money he was making didn't keep Kate warm at night. She missed Joe, more than she had in a long time. And for her, his absences stirred up old ghosts. But Joe was too busy to see the signs. All he observed was that she complained about his absences the moment he got home, which made him withdraw, and in turn made Kate even worse. She needed him, and he was hard to find.
“Why don't you come with me? You'd love it,” he suggested to her. She hadn't been to Tokyo in years, since she'd gone with her parents as a young girl. And Joe had taken her to Hong Kong. “You can go shopping or go to museums or temples or something,” he said, trying to come up with a compromise that would work for both of them. But they both knew that even if she went, she wouldn't see much of him. He worked constantly while he was away, just as he did at home.
“I can't leave the kids for weeks at a time, Joe. They're one and three years old.”
“Bring them,” he said curtly.
“To Tokyo?” she asked in horror.
“They have kids in Japan, Kate. I swear. I saw one once. Trust me.” But she thought it was too far for them to go. And what if they got sick while they were there? She couldn't talk to the doctor, and what point was there in all of them sitting in a hotel room waiting to see Joe? It made more sense for them to wait for him at home.
He was in Europe for Thanksgiving, and she went to her parents' with the kids. He called from London and spoke to Clarke and Liz. Her father wanted to know all about what he was doing. And her mother made a comment about it to Kate that night, which unnerved her more than she wanted to admit.
“Is he ever home, Kate?” Even now, her mother didn't approve of him. She had always suspected that he broke up Kate's marriage to Andy, and she blamed him for it, more than Kate. She thought it had been a terrible thing to do. And even though he had married her, he was never around.
“He's not home much, Mom. But he's building something amazing. In a year or two, it'll settle down.” Kate was, in fact, sure it would.
“How do you know? In the old days, it was his planes. Now it's his business, and his planes. When does he get to you?” In hours and days between trips, Kate thought silently, when he was too tired to even talk to her, or too exhausted to sleep, so he'd go to the office at four A.M. By Thanksgiving, they hadn't made love in two months, he was just too tired to even think about it in the few days he was at home. He wanted to, he wanted all of it, to be with her, to have sensual nights and lazy mornings, but there was no time anymore. He had a thousand forces pulling at him. “You'd better take a good look at what you've got, Kate. You've got a guy who's never going to be there for you, no matter what. He can't. And what do you think he's really doing on those trips, Kate? He's got to have a woman sometime, he's a man.” The very idea of it cut through Kate like a knife, and she always told herself it wasn't true. She had thought about it herself, but rejected the idea. Joe wasn't that kind of man, he never had been. He was driven by his passion for flying and obsessed by his work. He was building a fortune and an empire, which was as addictive for Joe as a drug. She was almost certain that in the year they'd been married, he had never cheated on her. And she would never have done it to him.
But the rest of what her mother said hit its mark. He was never around. Whatever the reasons, however good, he wasn't there. And when he got home, there were papers and problems, and threats from the unions. He was on the phone to California and Europe and Tokyo and the White House, or Charles Lindbergh. It was always someone or something that ate his time and seemed more important than Kate. She had to stand in line with everyone else, and most of the time, she got last place. That was just the way it worked. And if she wanted a life with him, which she did without question, it was what she'd get. He couldn't slice off more pieces of himself than he already had, and he expected her to understand. And most of the time she did. She loved him, and admired his success. She was happy for him. It was exciting, and he was amazing. But sometimes it hurt anyway. She was lonelier for him than he understood. And although she tried to reason with herself, at times she felt abandoned when he was gone.
She tried to explain it to him calmly one afternoon when he was home. It was the week after Thanksgiving, and he was watching football on TV. He had come home early that morning, and hadn't slept at all the night before. And he was just staring at the television set, drinking a beer and relaxing. It was a rare treat for him.
“Christ, Kate, don't start on that again. I just got home. I know I've been gone for three weeks, and I missed Thanksgiving with your parents, but the Brits were about to cancel my routes.” He looked beat. And he was in desperate need of some time to relax, without pressure from her.
“Can't someone else negotiate with them once in a while?” He was becoming an egomaniac, he had to do it all himself. But he had built the business, and the truth was he did it better than anyone else. When he went in and handled things, they turned out right. That was just the way it was. He didn't want to risk having someone else destroy what he'd built.
“Kate, this is who I am. If you want someone to sit at your feet all the time, get another dog.” He slammed his beer down on the table, and it spilled all over the floor. Kate made no move to clean it up, as he glared at her. She was on the verge of tears. She wanted him to understand what she was saying to him, but he didn't want to hear.
“Joe, can't you understand? I want to be with you. I love you. I get it. I know what you have to do. But this is hard for me.” Harder than he understood. But the more she tried to reach out to him, the more he pulled away. She was making him feel guilty again. His nemesis. The one thing he couldn't stand, from her, or anyone else.
“Why? Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm doing something important with my life? I'm not just doing it for me, I'm doing it for you. I love what I'm building. The world needs it.” He was right, but she needed him too. “I don't want to come home to you bugging me all the time. It's not fair. At least enjoy it when I'm here.”
In his own way, he was begging her not to reproach him. It hurt too much. But she couldn't understand that, any more than he could understand how abandoned she felt. The vicious cycle of their early years had begun again.
There was no arguing with him, no way to balance what he was accomplishing in business, and the pressures on him, with what she wanted from him. One of them had to back down, and Kate knew it had to be her. It was just a fact of their life, but it was killing her, particularly when she thought he was withdrawing from her. That only panicked her more.
In December, he was there even less. He had gone back to Hong Kong to meet with bankers there, and they were giving him a tough time. And she
knew he still had to stop in California on the way home. There were problems at the plant, and the engine for one of his latest designs had failed. There had been yet another death, and he took the blame. He was sure that this time, it was an error of design. But he had sworn to her that, no matter what happened, he would be home on Christmas Eve. And she was counting on him. He had promised that, come hell or high water, he would be home that day. He had even told her that he would skip the trip to California, if he had to, and go back after the holidays. The last thing she'd heard was that he'd be home on Christmas Eve.
The phone rang in the morning while she was decorating the tree with Reed. He was squealing with excitement, and she was humming to herself when the phone rang. She had talked to Hazel, Joe's secretary, after breakfast, and she hadn't had confirmation, but she was sure Joe was on the flight back. He had told her it was what he planned to do, when she spoke to him the day before. And he had said as much to Kate.
She answered the phone, and it was Joe. She could hear immediately that it was long distance. The operator put through the call, and she could hardly hear him. He was shouting into the phone.
“What? Where are you?” She shouted back.
“I'm still in Japan.” She could hardly hear his voice, but her heart sank at the words.
“Why?”
“I missed my flight.” There was static and interference on the line, but she could hear him a little more clearly as she tried not to cry. “Meetings… had to go to more meetings… very difficult situation here….” There were tears in her eyes and she knew she had to say something, but there was a long pause. “I'm sorry, baby… be home in a few days…. Kate?… Kate?… Are you there? Can you hear me?”
“I can hear you,” she said, as she wiped her eyes. “I miss you…. When are you coming back?”
“Maybe two days.” Which probably meant three or four or five. It was always longer than he said, through no fault of his. He was trying to do too much.
“I'll see you when you get back,” she said, trying not to sound upset. She knew how much he hated that. And at this distance, there was no point arguing about it. It wouldn't change anything. She didn't want to badger him, or drive him even further away. She wanted so much to be a good wife to Joe, whatever that entailed.
“Merry Christmas… kiss the kids….” His voice was fading out.
“I love you!” she shouted back into the phone, hoping he could hear her. “Merry Christmas!… I love you, Joe!” But he was gone. They had lost the line. And as Reed watched her standing next to the Christmas tree, she sat in her chair and cried.
“Don't be sad, Mommy.” He came and got on her lap and she held him. She wasn't angry, she was bitterly disappointed. She knew it probably wasn't his fault, but it was painful anyway. He wouldn't be there for Christmas, and then she forced herself to remember what it had been like when he'd been shot down. She thought he was dead. Now at least she knew he was coming back. She set Reed back on his feet, and went to blow her nose. There was nothing she could do about it. They'd just have to make the best of it, and celebrate Christmas with him when he came home. She was determined not to let him know how upset she was.
Christmas was quiet without Joe. She and the children opened their presents. Her parents had sent her hers, and there were a few from friends. She suspected correctly that Joe probably hadn't had time to shop. But it didn't matter anyway. All she wanted was him.
Andy came to pick Reed up on Christmas Day and take him to his place for a few hours, and he looked serious when he appeared at the door. She had just heard he was getting married, and she was happy for him. She hoped that this time he made the right choice. She hadn't been for him. And even if things weren't easy with Joe, she thought it was better being married to someone you really loved, problems and all.
“Hello, Kate,” Andy said, standing in the doorway awkwardly. They had been civil to each other since the divorce, but never close. And Kate had finally confronted him about his lies to Joe about her, and he had apologized and admitted that it had been a rotten thing to do. He was deeply embarrassed about it, and had been for a long time.
Kate knew he still visited her parents, whenever he was in Boston, but she didn't mind. He was her children's father after all, and her parents had always liked him. And they felt sorry for him after the divorce. Her mother was the one who'd told her Andy was getting married. He had been seeing the girl for a year, which seemed reasonable to Kate.
“Merry Christmas,” Kate said, and invited him to come in, but he hesitated, and she added politely, “It's okay. Joe's not here. He's away.”
“On Christmas?” He looked shocked, as he stepped into the front hall of the apartment that had been Joe's before he married Kate. “I'm sorry, Kate. That must be hard for you.”
“It's not great, but he couldn't help it. He got stuck in Japan.” She tried to make it sound more tolerable than it was.
“He's a busy man,” he said, as Reed appeared and gave a whoop, and Stephanie toddled behind him, but she was going to stay home with her mom.
“I hear you're getting married,” she said when Reed went to get his coat. She didn't know if Andy had told him yet, the child hadn't said anything.
“Not till June. I'm taking my time.” They both smiled, he didn't want to say “So I don't make another mistake,” but Kate knew that was on his mind, and should have been.
“I hope you'll be happy. You deserve it,” she said as Reed reappeared with coat and cap and mittens on, and took his father's hand.
“So do you. Merry Christmas, Kate,” he said as they left. He was bringing Reed back at eight o'clock. And she and Stephanie went to play in her room.
It had been a lonely holiday for Kate. She tried to call Joe at his hotel, but she couldn't get through. And he probably had the same problem, or was stuck in meetings, because he didn't call her. And all she could do was tell herself that it didn't matter. They'd have Christmas together next year. Sometimes things worked out that way, and she knew she had to be grown up about it. But she almost cried when her parents called, and then assured them she was fine.
She didn't hear from Joe for another two days. He called to tell her he was leaving Tokyo the next day, and stopping in L.A. on the way home.
“I thought you said you'd go later,” she said, trying not to whine. But he was always changing plans, and disappointing her. And her tone of voice conveyed to him how she felt about it, even when her words did not.
“I can't. I have to go now. The unions are acting up. Besides, it's not right, Kate. There's a widow out there who lost her husband because of one of my planes. I think I at least owe it to her to stop and make a condolence call. That's the least I can do.” Kate didn't disagree with him, he always had good reasons, but she had to fight herself not to scream “What about me?” She always seemed to be the last priority on his list, and yet she understood how much he had to do. But he had just missed Christmas with her, and she wanted him to come home.
“When are you coming home?” she asked in a tired voice.
“I'll be home for New Year's Eve.” Maybe. If nothing else happened to stall him in L.A. She was no longer counting on him. They were scheduled to go out for dinner and dancing that night with friends, and she'd been looking forward to it. But if he didn't come home in time, she'd stay home with the kids. She didn't want to be a fifth wheel on New Year's Eve.
As it turned out, he flew back on December 31, and it started to snow in New York before he left L.A. The weather was almost totally socked in by the time he got to New York, and their arrival was delayed. He walked into the apartment at nine o'clock that night, looking beyond exhausted. He had flown the company plane himself. He didn't trust anyone else to bring him in in one piece in conditions like that. Kate was waiting for him, she had already taken off her dress, and was in bed with a book. She didn't even hear him come in, and suddenly he was standing in the room, looking at her sheepishly. But the look in his eyes instantly melted her heart. Jo
e was irresistible to her, and always had been.
“Do I still live here, Kate?” He knew the last few weeks had been rough on her.
“Could be,” she said, grinning at him, as he came to sit down next to her. “You look pretty good.”
“I'm so sorry, baby. I screwed up all your holidays. I really wanted to get home. I'm sorry I'm such a jerk. Do you want to go out?” She had a better idea, as she got up and closed the door to their bedroom. He had taken off his jacket and was loosening his tie, as she walked over to him, and started unbuttoning his shirt. “Should I get dressed?” He was willing to do anything she wanted, to make up to her for the time he'd missed.
“Nope,” she said, unzipping his pants for him, and he grinned.
“This looks serious,” he said, as he kissed her.
“It is… it's the price you have to pay for standing me up for Christmas.” She was teasing him and laughing as she kissed him, and despite how tired he was, she managed to instantly arouse him.
“If you'd told me about this, I'd have come home a lot sooner,” he whispered as he slipped into bed with her.
“It's here anytime you want it, Joe,” she said as she kissed him in all the places he loved best, and he moaned softly.
“Next time, remind me…,” he said, as they abandoned themselves to each other. It was the perfect New Year's Eve.
20
BY THE TIME KATE and Joe had been married a year, at the beginning of 1954, they had settled into a routine of his being away much of the time, and she was at home with the children. She started doing some charity work to keep occupied while he was gone. And Joe found another project for her that spring. He wanted to buy a house in California. He was spending so much time there these days, it made sense to him, and he thought that decorating it would keep Kate busy and amused.
They found a beautiful old mansion in Bel Air, hired a decorator, and as soon as Kate got busy on it, Joe started spending more time in Europe. He was establishing new routes to Italy and Spain, and when he wasn't in Rome or Madrid, he was in Paris or London. He still had to go to L.A. every month at least, but he was no longer spending as much time in Asia. And it was beginning to seem to Kate that wherever she was, he was on the opposite side of the world somewhere. No matter what they did, she was hardly ever with him.
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