He tightened his grip around her and she held onto him, not wanting to let him go.
After a few minutes she became aware less of his amazing mouth and the hum of the wind in her ears and more aware of another kind of hum.
Abruptly, she pulled out of his arms. ‘Did you hear something?’
‘What?’
‘I think it’s my cell phone. Wait, let me look. It might be Mark, about Ashley. Or one of the paramedics or someone... I hope she’s okay. And the baby.’ Abbie shoved her hand into the bottom of her bag and pulled out her phone. Texts, so many texts. And missed calls. She scanned down the messages, her heart in her throat. ‘She’s in labour. She’s been in labour for...’
‘Well, they’ll probably do a Caesarean just to get the baby out and then put her in an induced coma until they can get the blood pressure—’
‘Not Ashley. Emma. Emma’s in labour.’ There were messages spanning back to when they’d started the walk. ‘Well over an hour. Oh, damn. Damn and blast. My baby’s coming and I’m up a stupid mountain trying to prove a point.’
And having the best kiss of her life.
Flinging the pack onto her back, she turned around and looked down the path. An hour’s walking. A gondola, then a drive. She was going to miss the birth of her baby. How could she have done this?
How would she help Emma with a broken wrist? How would she hold her child?
Cal was looking at her as if he’d been punched in the gut. ‘It’s a bit early?’
‘Yes. Yes. It’s early, Cal,’ she snapped, but couldn’t help it. She needed to go. She shouldn’t have even been here. ‘Too early. She’s not due for another few weeks. Oh, God, I hope they’re okay. She must be going mad, wondering where I am.’
She fired back a text.
On my way. Don’t you dare give birth without me!
Emma replied.
I’ve got my legs crossed, but I don’t know how long I can do that for.
We’ll be there as soon as we can.
We?
Me and Cal.
Emma fired back almost immediately:
Interesting...
Not interesting. Confusing.
‘Come on. We’ve got to hurry.’
‘Stop. Wait a second.’ He was frustratingly slow all of a sudden. ‘What did we talk about before? Going down is always tricky. One bad footstep and you’re going to go head over heels. Take it easy.’
‘Take it easy? Really? This baby is the only good thing in my life. It’s the only good thing that came out of Michael dying. I promised Emma I’d be with her every step of the way, and here I am with you instead of with her.’
And yet, she wouldn’t have given any of today up. Meeting Cal had been the best thing that had happened to her in a very long time. Today had been hugely emotional and intimate and the more she got to know him, the more he was chipping away at her heart. Coming up here had been her idea, not his. She’d wanted to trick him into facing his demons but here she was, facing hers instead.
‘Look, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I really didn’t. Today has been so, so lovely. I’m just scared I’m going to miss one of the most important moments of my life. I have to be there. I have to go for my baby. Now.’
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘OF COURSE YOU DO. And I’m going to get you there safely, okay?’ Cal took her by the arm and made her stand still. ‘If you start getting het up you might hurt yourself.’
Or worse. He knew how that went; getting emotional only made things less controllable.
‘I can’t imagine anything would make me hurt as badly as I do now, to be honest.’ She shook her arm out of his grasp, but he made sure she was steady and not at risk of falling.
It was starting to rain now, to add to the mess. He had to take some control here. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t be the father, or her lover, he couldn’t walk into that labour room and help, or witness the birth of her child. But he could make sure she got there safely at least. ‘I’m going to go first, okay, to set the pace I think we can safely go at. You will not run down this hill in the rain. Do you hear me?’
Her nostrils flared but she nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘You’ll be no good to your baby or to Emma with two broken limbs or a damaged back.’
‘Okay. Okay. Yes, I know. Just make sure your pace is fast.’
The path became slippery underfoot and her mood became equally dangerous.
And he knew she was blaming him.
And she was right to.
If she hadn’t met him none of this would have happened. If she’d met some other man she could have a real future with, she wouldn’t be grasping for little bits of joy or trying to prove to him that he could do things he was afraid of.
But she had met him, a man who already had enough responsibility and couldn’t take any more on, who couldn’t change his life to fit hers, no matter how much he wanted to.
He stopped to check she was okay, but she rushed past him and he let her. Because how could he stop her rushing towards the one thing she deserved more than anything—a future?
He watched the sway of her ponytail and the clip of her feet and his heart clenched like a fist.
He wanted to take her on. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be a father to her child.
He wanted to love her. He wanted her to be his responsibility.
Maybe he already did love her.
He tried to fathom it out. And every which way he turned he couldn’t ignore the fact that he was falling for her. Loving her.
Because who the hell brought someone a Christmas tree if they didn’t love them even just a little bit?
Trouble was, he didn’t think it was just a little bit. He thought it might be a whole lot.
Could be. If he stayed.
He groaned inwardly and upped his pace. It was a hell of a mess all round. And letting her in had been the most stupid thing he’d ever done. Almost.
The gondola ride and journey back to town were made in silence, save for the incessant tap of Abbie’s good fingers on the dashboard as he pulled the car into a parking space at the hospital. She’d wanted to drive but he hadn’t let her.
‘I can absolutely drive. I know the roads better than you,’ she’d railed at him.
But he’d climbed into the driver’s seat and refused to move. ‘You have an arm in a cast—how the hell can you grip the steering wheel?’
‘How will I hold my baby? Or help Emma? I don’t know, but I’m damned sure I will. So I can drive too.’
‘Like hell.’ And he’d gunned the engine and driven like a maniac, but it still wasn’t fast enough for Abbie. Her body was coiled and tense, ready to jump and spring at any moment.
‘Let’s go through ED. That’s the quickest route to the lifts.’ She pushed him out of the car, assuming he was going to go with her. Once outside she took him by the hand and all but dragged him through the emergency department. Excitement rippled over her, as if someone had given her the best birthday present ever—and yet it was laced with trepidation. Fear. Panic.
As they rushed past ED Mission Control she paused briefly to speak to Nixon, one of the doctors. ‘Hey, did you hear? Emma’s having contractions.’
‘Yes. She’s up in Maternity. Her waters broke while she was here, working. Give her my regards, will you?’ The doctor nodded hello at Cal and he nodded back, still unsure what the hell he was doing here. He should have just dropped her off. He was going to be no use up there; Emma wouldn’t want him in the room.
But he couldn’t let go of Abbie’s hand. It was as if his body was clinging to the very last moments, to the last touch before it was prepared to let her go.
‘Sure will, Nixon. Bye.’ Abbie’s face crumpled a little and she bit her bottom lip. ‘I ho
pe she’s okay.’
‘She’ll be fine.’ Cal squeezed her hand and she looked up at him, registering he was still there, still holding on, still marching along with her.
‘Oh, Callum, my head’s all over the place.’
‘I’m not surprised. It’s been a big day. A lot’s happened.’ So much.
The hospital had been transformed to a Christmas wonderland at some point over the last few days. Streamers zigzagged across the ceilings and someone had sprayed fake snow onto every window. There was a huge Christmas tree in Reception, and tinny Christmas music filled the air. It felt like another world. He thought about the real snow that was awaiting him in Duncraggen. So many thousands of miles away.
And of his brother who needed him. And how much Cal wanted to be there to look after him, and here to look after an amazing woman and her baby.
So much had happened. Too much for his poor, pathetic heart.
She gave him a sad smile as she pressed the lift call button. ‘I can’t believe it was this morning...that we...wow, Cal.’ There were tears shimmering in her eyes. ‘It’s all muddling up. I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted... I don’t know what I wanted. I’m going to be a mum and we just made love... I’m so confused. I have so many feelings. I don’t think I’m making sense.’
Always so honest, putting his feelings into words for him. He tugged her against him, his heart contracting into a tight, fierce ball. Because, she was right. None of it made sense. How could it? It was all muddled. He needed to make things clear for her. For himself. He pulled away from her. ‘Abbie, I’m going to just drop you up there on the ward, okay? You understand? I’m not going to stay.’
The lift pinged and the doors slid open. She jumped in and jabbed the seventh-floor button. ‘Come on.’ She looked back at him, confusion in her eyes. ‘Wait...you mean...you’re not coming in to see her?’
‘No. You don’t need me there. This is private. This is your family and your time. You don’t need me.’
‘I bloody well do.’ Then she seemed to join up the dots of his thinking and her eyes grew wide. She tugged him into the empty lift just as the doors started to close. ‘Oh, no. No. Don’t do this right now, Cal. I haven’t got time to even think about this. I can’t just say goodbye and this be the end. Not of us. Not like this.’
He shrugged, his heart fracturing as his arms strained to hold her again, but he managed to control himself. ‘We both knew it was going to happen, Abbie. Some time.’
‘Not now, though. Please come with me. I want you there. You...you feel like family.’
How could he break her heart so swiftly?
Because he loved her, and it was best for both of them if this ended now. He loved her. Dammit. He loved her and was going to lose her. ‘But I’m not family, Abbie. I can’t be. It’s best if we don’t get even more involved. I can’t watch your friend give birth to your baby—that’s not something I should be there for. I hardly know her. This is your time. Yours and Emma’s.’
And Michael’s.
Fourth floor. The door swished open. There was no one there.
She shook her head again, jabbed the seventh-floor button one more time and paced to the other side of the lift. ‘No! I can’t believe... I don’t know what I believed. That somehow we’d make it through this. That somehow we’d make it work, Cal. You and me, we’d make it work.’
How could they? He pulled her to face him, felt the lurch in his gut and knew it had nothing to do with the lift jerking upwards. ‘You’ll have everything you want right here. And, what’s more, you need to concentrate on Emma. Not me, or us, or whatever we just did.’
She blinked quickly. ‘We made love, Callum.’
‘Aye, we did.’ It was the most amazing thing he’d ever done. She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever known. A huge weight pushed on his chest. There was absolutely no way he could stay and watch her hold her child and not be part of it. She didn’t need him here and, hell, he couldn’t bear to be here and not be able to hold her again, not be able to make love to her. Not be able to be part of this. For ever. He had to cut loose.
His fingers went automatically to that crazy lock of hair that always fell differently from the rest and he wound it round his fingers. So soft. So strong. Like her. ‘Your family is the most important thing to you, Abbie. Mine is to me too, and I have to be in Scotland. If we spend any more time together it’ll just make things harder in the end. You need to focus on your baby and your new life. You’ll forget me soon enough, when you’re up to your arms in nappies and baby poop.’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever forget you, Cal.’
Aye, she was imprinted on his heart, branded there, and there was no way he’d forget her. Ever.
The lift doors pinged open before he could say any more and they stepped into the very busy maternity corridor. Little children raced back and forth laughing, new mums waved goodbye to visitors. New dads clutching fresh bright flowers and balloons wandered around with tired, proud grins.
They found a nurse aide who pointed them to the labour suite and soon they were standing outside Emma’s room.
Abbie went to open the door but he tugged her hand gently. It was time to go. To actually take that step away. To give her the space she needed for her family. For her future, without him. ‘Good luck, then, Abbie.’
I love you.
‘No. No. No.’ Don’t go, her eyes pleaded. But then they flicked to the ward door and he knew he had to go right now, make it easy for her to leave him behind.
‘Have the very best life, wee lassie.’ If he faltered one step he might say or do something that had huge ramifications for them all. He had to go. He had to walk away. But first he ran his thumb over her lip—because he loved to do it. And knew she loved it too. He watched her eyes mist and saw the curl of her hand as it came towards him. He couldn’t let her touch him, couldn’t let her hold him.
He stepped away.
Her lip was trembling. ‘Will you wait for me, Cal? Somewhere? Downstairs? In ED? The café? Please? Somewhere? I’ll come down...soon. I don’t know when... I don’t know...when I know what’s happening.’ She looked bereft and his heart hurt; he’d done that to her. ‘You will be there, won’t you? When I come down?’
‘Aye,’ he whispered, hoping she wouldn’t hear, or believe him.
Because they both knew he wouldn’t be.
* * *
‘Hey, there. Where’s the hero of the hour?’ Emma was sitting up in bed, and across her belly were tapes that fed to a monitoring machine. She looked like a Christmas present all wrapped up.
Abbie had barely had time to wipe her eyes, never mind find her happy voice. She’d watched him walk away and prayed he’d look back, turn back. Come back. But he’d done none of those things. Her gaze had followed him the length of the corridor, his confident swagger a little less sure than normal. His shoulders had sagged. And her heart had broken.
Because even though she’d known it was going to happen she hadn’t expected it to be so soon. She hadn’t expected to feel this much.
She hadn’t expected to love him this hard.
And she did. Her eyes filled with tears, so she busied herself looking at Emma’s charts and trying to speak through a throat that was full and raw. She loved him. And he was leaving her. Right when she needed him most.
But that was pure selfishness, really. She needed him, but she was asking far too much. ‘Hey, gorgeous girl. Couldn’t wait just a little bit longer?’ Her heart felt as if it were twisting against her ribcage. ‘Er... Callum, do you mean? He’s gone.’
‘Oh. As in...gone home? Or gone gone?’
‘Gone downstairs. But very likely gone altogether.’ Abbie cleared her throat and dug deep for her smiley voice. ‘You seem very happy given you’re in labour.’
‘This is baby number
two. I know what to expect. Plus, there’s a lot to be said for gas and air.’ Emma patted the bed. ‘Come and sit down and talk to me. You look bloody awful and you’re not the one in a hospital bed. What the hell happened, hun?’
I fell in love. He broke my heart.
‘You’re in labour, my lovely friend, let’s focus on that. On you and the baby. How did it start? How do you feel? How long have we got? Isn’t it a bit early?’
‘I’ll tell you all that soon enough. We’re going to be here for a few hours yet, I think.’ But there was no getting past this. Emma was a terrier when it came to interrogation. ‘You have probably about four minutes before the next contraction hits. I need some distraction, so talk. Or I’ll scream the place down. Talk, woman.’
Abbie took a deep breath. She would say this once, get it out, then not mention him again. ‘It hurts. I’m hurting all over again. But somehow this is almost worse than Michael, because he didn’t have a choice, but Callum does. I do.’ But how could you choose between families and their needs? She pressed her hand to her mouth to stop herself from crying, but it didn’t seem to do much good. Tears began to drip onto the green hospital blanket leaving bleak circles. ‘He said family was more important and that we didn’t need him here. I knew it was going to happen. I just didn’t think it’d hurt so much. I just hoped we’d have a bit more time. A lot more time.’
‘You love him.’ Abbie had expected Emma to be irritated by this, but she wasn’t. She linked her fingers into Abbie’s. ‘I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have encouraged you to have a Highland fling. I should have known you’d fall for him.’
‘How? Why?’
‘What’s not to like about the man? He’s your Mr Perfect.’
Yes. ‘This isn’t helping. Let’s talk about the baby. The plan. Right, so Rosie’s staying at school until her uncle picks her up—’
‘Coward. Yes, the plan’s going fine. My bag was in my car, as we discussed, so Nixon went and got it for me. Which was kind of him.’ Emma ran her hand over her stomach and the monitor printout started to jump. Another contraction was building. One step closer to holding her baby.
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