With a sigh, I get out of bed, throw my clothes back on, and head to the kitchen.
I see Marie as I close the fridge door. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” She’s wearing a white robe with white slippers and a silk wrap around her head.
“Oh, you didn’t. I couldn’t sleep. I was up getting some things together for Samantha. Thought I would get some coffee. Would you like some?” She turns the coffee pot on.
“Sure. Thanks” I go and sit down at the kitchen table. Placing my elbows on the table, I put my head in my hands.
“You look like you’re stressed, Slade.”
I nod “I am. I’m trying to plan and prepare for what Angel is going to do.” I talk to the table as my head still sits in my hands.
“What do you mean? What Samantha will do?” She sounds confused.
I pull my head up and sit back in the chair, letting my arms fall to rest on the table.
“She’s going to come back and stay with you.”
“She said that?” Her head snaps like someone just slapped her.
“No,” I say slowly, “but I know her. Our flight back home leaves in the morning. She will want to pack up stuff, then come back here and spend every bit of time she has left with you.”
She shakes her head. “That’s not what I want.”
I sit up straight. “Why are you doing this? Why do you continue to push her away? She wants to spend time with you.” This women is nuts.
She sits down in front of me. “You will not understand until you have a child.” A small smile forms on her lips. “I wish I was going to get to see my grandbabies.” She looks into my eyes. “You too will make beautiful babies. Samantha will be a wonderful mom. She’s loving and compassionate, just like her father was.”
She averts her eyes to the table. “He was there for me every step of the way. Every divorce, every time I had to ground Samantha. Always there for me.”
“Not to be rude, but I thought that Angel said you guys couldn’t even be in the same room together.”
She nods with a smile. “Oh, he was always mad at me. I don’t think he ever forgave me for what I did to him, but he knew that he was my one true love. It didn’t matter what had happened between us, though. He had a huge heart like Samantha”
She sighs. “When it came to Samantha he’d say, Marie, what have you done this time? Why is the princess calling me crying that you grounded her?”
We laugh.
“But we loved each other. I never found that love I once had with him again. He was a great person. Always taking care of things around the house while Samantha was at school. He wanted to spend all his time with her. I didn’t mind. If she was with him, she stayed out of trouble.” She leans on the table as she speaks to me. “I don’t want her taking care of me. She’s not supposed to take care of me. Don’t you understand that?”
“Then why even tell her? Why have her go through all this heartbreak, knowing tomorrow you’re just going to push her away again?”
“Because I am being selfish. I need to see her beautiful face one last time. Hear her sweet voice one last time.” A tear falls down her cheek. “I love her more than anything. I want to know that she isn’t going to be alone.” She points a skinny finger at me. “You love her, and she loves you. I know you will do anything for her and take care of her. She will eventually get over what I did and be happy. Marry you, start a family with you...that’s all that I’ve ever wanted for her.” She takes in a deep breath.
“Why are you talking like you’re not going to make it three more months?”
She shakes her head. She gets up and as I sit there, I watch her. She moves slowly and deliberate. Her arms are out to help her balance and her steps are small. She glides her feet on the floor instead of picking them up. It comes to me, then. When I see her come to the counter in front of the coffee pot. She puts her hands on the counter and takes a few deep breaths. She takes her right hand and reaches down into her pocket and pulls something out. She slowly pours herself a cup of coffee and pops whatever is in her hand into her mouth.
“You don’t have three months.” I put my head down, shaking it. “You lied,” I say, watching the floor.
“I said what I had to say,” she whispers as if she doesn’t have enough breath to talk any louder.
“How long do you have?” I can’t look at her. How can she do this to Angel?
“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I got to see she was happy, in love and safe. I wrote her letters explaining everything.”
“Letters?” I bark. “Letters? Like her father? Why are you doing this to her?” I fist my hands on the table. She will never be the same person. This will destroy her!
I start talking to myself. “I’ll leave tomorrow. She can stay here and I’ll bring her everything she will need to stay with you.” Yeah, that’s a good plan. Or I could just run out and buy her all new stuff before my plane leaves.
“No.” She turns her body to face me. “You’re not telling her about this conversation. You will take this to your grave, do you understand?” she whispers. It’s like she can’t afford to waste the air she has left.
I shake my head “No. I won’t lie to her. I made a promise I would never lie to her, and I’m not going to break it because you are too selfish to be honest with her.” I stand from the table, realizing I’m being an ass, but I can’t hold in my anger. I stand there for a few seconds, taking in a few breaths myself, trying to calm down my anger that is rising.
She rubs a hand over the silk wrap around her head as she sighs. “Fine.” She nods her head. “You guys can leave tomorrow and she can come back.” She gives me a hard look as she takes in a deep breath. “Is that what you wanted?”
“Yes.” I go to walk out of the kitchen but stop, leaving my back to her. “She loves you. All this time she felt you hated her. I know you don’t have much time, but if you really love her as much as you say you do...”
I turn to her. “You will give her this. This time, for her to see how much you truly love her by letting her in. She is the strongest person I know, but when it comes to you she needs to feel you love her and want her.”
I turn and walk out of the kitchen, wondering how the hell I can help Angel through this.
I wasn’t lying when I told myself this will change her.
It will. In every way!
I sit in Slade’s truck silent in the passenger seat as he drives us to his house from the airport. We had an early flight this morning, so I didn’t get to talk to my mom. She was asleep when we left; probably a good thing. I’m still mad at her for all the lies.
I plan on going to Slade’s, pack up the stuff I have there, then he is going to drive us back to Tulsa in his truck. He’ll fly back to St. Louis. That way I have a vehicle. I could be there for months, so it’s just more logical to have my own vehicle there instead of a rental car. Plus, Slade wants to drive me. He says I’m in no condition to drive five hours alone with just my thoughts.
When I walk in his house, I go straight to his bathroom and get my stuff together. Slade comes to stand in the doorway, putting both hands up on either side of the door and blocking the doorway.
“I need to tell you something,” he says reluctantly.
“Okay.” I open the drawer that holds my makeup and curling iron then I kneel down to put it into my bag.
“Your mom doesn’t have three months left.”
I stop what I’m doing and look up at him, my heart pounding wildly. “What do you mean?”
“She told me last night she lied to you.” He shakes his head with a scowl on his face. “She didn’t want to tell you. She asked me not to. I told her I would never lie to you and that you deserved to know.” He releases the door and walks towards me.
I’m sitting on my knees on the floor with my makeup next to me on the tile. My bag opened in front of me.
He kneels down to look me in the eyes. “We will leave tonight, okay? I need to pass off some c
ases at work. It will give you time to get your stuff together. We will be out of here no later than five.” He grabs my face as I nod.
“Thank you.” I close my eyes as tears fall down my cheeks. What would I do without him? “For being honest.”
“Look at me.”
I open my eyes. His blue eyes search my face. “I’m never going to lie to you, no matter how bad the information is. I hated to have to tell you that, but I want you to have every possible second you can with her.” He runs a hand through my hair.
“I have to head to the office. Be back here by five, okay?” He kisses my forehead.
“Okay.” He walks out of the bathroom to head to the office as I go back to loading my bag. I finish packing up my bag and head to my house. I still have a few things there that I might need. I’m back in my bedroom, throwing an old pair of jeans in my bag, when I hear my phone in the kitchen ringing.
I run into the kitchen, picking it up off the counter. It’s an Oklahoma number, but not one saved to my phone.
“Hello.”
“Sam? Sam, this is Kevin, your mom’s neighbor.”
‘Yes,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry, Sam. So sorry.” He pauses as dread fills my body. I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what I know is coming. “Your mom has passed,” he says sadly.
“She’s dead?” I question, hoping I heard him wrong. Three months? She said she had three months. Slade said she lied. But how big of a lie had she told?
“Yes. I’m sorry,” he sniffs.
“It...it can’t...no...” I stumble over my words. “It can’t be. I was just there this morning!”
“I’m so sorry, Sam.” He starts to cry.
What have I done?
I was just there and I left her. I knew she was sick and needed me, and I just left. Tears start to spill over my eyes. “I’m on my way,” I whisper before hanging up. How could this happen? Did she know she was this close to dying?
I shake my head. I have to get to her. I grab my purse and leave my bags. There’s nothing in them I can’t live without.
I dial 411 on my phone as I run to Slade’s truck. I get lucky, catching a plane that leaves for Oklahoma in forty five minutes. I race down the highway to make it on time. I don’t have any luggage. I left my bag in my bedroom.
I barely make the flight after running through security. By the time I get to my seat, I’m breathing heavy and feel as if I may pass out. The flight goes by rather quickly. I sit and stare out the little window, wondering what the hell happened. I still don’t believe it. It’s just a bad dream. My mind playing tricks on me is all it is.
Once I land, I get a car and head straight to my old house. I haven’t called Slade. I know he’s busy trying to get his work stuff done and I don’t want to bother him over something that he can’t change.
I want to call him.
I need him to hold me and tell me he’s here for me. I want to lean on him and let him love me. He’s the only one that can make me forget this horrible dream I call my life.
But I can’t.
I don’t want to call him and breakdown. I’m trying to stay strong.
For now.
I pull into my driveway and see Kevin sitting on my mom’s front porch. I get out of my rental car and walk up to him. I feel like I may pass out. I don’t think I’m breathing, and my hands and legs are shaking.
He stands and pulls me into a hug. I allow him to hold me up as my body sags against him. “I’m so sorry,” he chokes out.
I pull away and wipe my face. “Is she…”
How do I say this?
I swallow. “Is she here?” I don’t know how all of this stuff works.
He shakes his head as he wipes is eyes as well. “No.”
I’m not going to question him because I don’t need all the details. “I’m going to go inside,” I whisper as I walk past him.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
I turn to face him. “I need to do this on my own.” He nods. “Thank you, though.”
I walk into the house and it feels so warm in here. Not the cold and eerie feeling they say you get when you know someone had just died. It’s like I’m coming home from school and waiting for her to get off work.
She’s not here. I don’t know why I am even here. Coming here won’t bring her back.
I take a deep breath and walk towards her bedroom. I walk in and look around. On her dresser are three different kinds of wigs. A short dark bob, and a shoulder length one with curly brown hair. The third is the one she must have been wearing when I came to visit. It was longer than the others and had big curls in it.
I sit on the end of the bed as my eyes get teary and my throat starts to close up. My mom is dead! She’s never going to come back. I will never see her again. She called me to talk to me, to explain why she had done the things she did, and all I did was yell at her and run away.
How could I have been so selfish?
I stand up and walk over to her dresser. I lightly touch the ends of the big curls on the last wig. I feel so lost and alone. How could she do this to me? Did she not stop to think how much I needed her? Did she think I would just forget about her?
I lean over and shove everything off the dresser and onto the floor. Glass breaks and stuff goes flying across the room as I scream out for my mom. It makes me feel better to destroy something. I turn and rip a picture frame off the wall. I throw it to the floor as glass skids across her hardwood floors. I pick up a vase that sits on a shelf and throw it into a wall. I watch it shatter into a million little pieces. I cry as I compare it to my heart.
It can’t be repaired.
I turn and continue to tear stuff up. A clock, pillows, blankets, more picture frames and a lamp. Anything I can get my hands on.
I hear Slade’s ringtone play on my phone. I dig it out of my pocket and stare at it. I had wanted to tell him where I was going. I had wanted him to tell me I would be okay.
Now...
Now I want nothing to do with him. I’ve always thought that he couldn’t love me enough, and now I know it’s true. He could never love someone so broken.
I have no one.
I look at my reflection in the big square mirror sitting on the dresser. I am so selfish and pathetic. Maybe everyone has always left me because I didn’t deserve their love.
My phone continues to play our love song. The song that I thought held the possibility that I had finally found true love. Boy, was I wrong! I throw it at the mirror, and I continue to watch my reflection as the glass shatters.
“How could you do this?” I scream. “How could you let me leave this morning knowing you were never going to see me again?” I continue screaming at nothing because it feels good. It feels good to let it out. I have so much frustration inside of me and I need to break, throw and demolish anything I can find.
Silence is all that remains in the room now that my phone is in pieces. My chest heaves as I try to breathe, and my lungs burn from screaming. I look around at all the things I’ve destroyed as tears run down my face. The room is a mess and the floor is covered with glass.
I look over to the only thing I didn’t touch. The nightstand. I see some folded pieces of paper, along with a couple of pictures lying on top of it. I slowly walk over to it.
I start to sob as I think of the letters my dad had left his attorney. How did this become my life? I sit on the bed, and with shaky hands open a letter from my mother.
My dearest Samantha,
I never meant to hurt you. Don’t you see? I love you more than life itself. You were my heart and soul. I need you to understand that I never wanted this for you. I never wanted you to have to see me die, or have to take care of me. I would rather you be mad at me, than have memories of me wasting away to nothing. I had a talk with Slade the night you guys were here. He’s a good man and loves you very much. He talked some sense into me, but it was already too late.
I just want you to know I was always
there. Every time you called. I would listen to your message right after you left it. I would cry my eyes out, thinking how much I missed hearing your voice and seeing you. I had to stay away from you, though. You deserved better. You’re so young and have a life to live. As I write this letter, I now know it was worth keeping you away because you met Slade.
I’m sorry I lied when I said I had three months to live. The doctor did tell me that. Four months ago. When I woke up the other day, I just had to call you. I didn’t want to die thinking you weren’t important to me. I had this feeling that God wouldn’t allow me to live longer than I should without a reason. You were that reason, Samantha, so I asked for you to come see me. And like the passionate person you are, you came. You have grown up to be such a beautiful young lady.
I know you’re coming back to stay with me until the end. But just in case I don’t make it long, I need you to know a few things.
I went to your high school and college graduation. I was so proud of you, and there was no way I would have missed either one of them. I looked at the pictures all the time. I use them as a reminder that you were living your life. Like I wanted you to do.
When you left for Texas, I wanted to see you before you left, but I had chemo that day. I was still trying to fight it. I wanted to beat the cancer so that I could have a life with you. But things don’t always work out the way you plan them. I didn’t want you to see me after that. You would have known something was up, and you were so heartbroken when your dad passed that I didn’t want to add more turmoil to you. I will forever be sorry that I kept this from you. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I thought it was the only way to protect you.
I never spent any of that money you sent me. Even though you ripped up that check, the money is still sitting in the account I got you once the money started coming.
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