by Devyn Dawson
“Tracy!” Don yells from down the hall.
“Oh hey, we better go. Friends?” Tracy asks.
I smile at her and she flings her arms around me in a hug. “Wait, you’re just going to tell me not to let him have whiskey and run off? That’s not very fair.”
“You’ll do fine. If you two do the deed, the washer and dryer are in the hall by the room you’re staying in.”
I can’t tell if I like her for being so brazen, or if I want to hit her for being stupid.
***
The guest room is bigger than I expected. Tate walks over to the dresser and grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. With him staying here every weekend, it makes sense for him to have some clothes here. As he walks out of the room, I set my purse down on the queen sized bed. Sleeping over with a guy is new to me. Taking care of my dad has made sleeping anywhere other than in my own bed impossible.
The shorts are loose around my thighs but tight across my butt. I pull my hair up in a ponytail so it won’t shed all over the bed. Andy always told me to keep a toothbrush in my purse in case this were to ever happen to me. I didn’t listen to her. After debating the bra situation, I finally decide to keep it on. The less stimulation I allow my body to have, the less likely I’ll lose my reclaimed virginity. Who are you fooling? Shut up head! I can call myself whatever I want.
A tapping on the door brings me back to reality.
“Holland? Is it safe to enter?” Tate asks.
“Oh yeah, come in.” Holy cheeseballs! It is, in my opinion, unlawful to sleep with guys who look like Tate. He should be worshipped from afar, or the panties might fall off. Who cares about a damn bra! He walks in wearing a pair of gym shorts and nothing else. NOTHING ELSE! OH THOSE ABS! “I’m not having sex with you,” I blurt out.
“Good, because I’m not having sex with you,” he replies.
“No, you can’t say that, because I’m not even thinking about having sex with you,” I retort.
“Fine, because I haven’t thought about having sex with you either,” he smirks.
“I guess we won’t have a problem.”
“I guess not,” he says as he closes the gap between us and takes my face in both hands and kisses me. “You’re safe tonight, Holland. We’re going to go slow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a bald-faced liar about not thinking about sex with you, but I don’t want it to be here. When it happens, and it will happen, eventually, it will be perfect.”
He’s good. I can’t talk for fear I’ll say something that will give away what I’d like to do with him right now. Instead, I kiss him in reply. We stand there toe to toe and kiss until our hands are no longer satisfied with being still. I find myself gripping onto him as he kisses me up and down my throat. My body is responding to him and my heart is beating frantically in my chest. Before I can gather my composure, he scoops me up in his arms, I can’t stop him, my body won’t let me. He walks me over to the edge of the bed and pulls the blankets back before he drops me down. To my surprise, he takes the covers and tucks them around me.
“I’m going to go get some cold water, you want anything?” He asks abruptly.
“What just happened? One minute we’re tongue tied and the next you’re tucking the blankets around me like a shield.”
“Nothing and we’re keeping it that way tonight, remember?”
“Ugh.”
“I feel ya kid. There’s a toothbrush and washcloth for you on the bathroom vanity.”
“I hate you,” I say with a laugh.
“Me too, but we really should wait.” He kisses me on the nose.
“I know… I don’t really hate you,” I smile up at him and run my hand through my ponytail.
“I know.”
***
Chapter Nine. His Song
I shut my laptop with a satisfied thrust and close my eyes. That was by far my hardest final and thank God it was my last final. Now I have to go to the hospital to find out if there was any improvement with my dad’s condition. He’s been in the hospital six days. The therapist invited me to one of his sessions yesterday, my dad just sat and cried. The doctor suggested my father stay longer. I agreed. Today I’m going to another session to see if my dad can keep it together long enough to talk.
I make my way into the kitchen to grab a slice of cold pizza and a Coke. I’ve realized one pizza lasts me three days. It’s from a local pizzeria, they’re cheap and deliver up until midnight every day of the week. Tate has been busy with work since they’re hosting an airshow for the public. He told me that the AWACS planes will be in the air monitoring air traffic as the other planes perform. When you drive down Sooner Road to my house, you can see the big AWACS planes with their spaceship looking domes on the top of them. Tate told me how the airmen will go to bars and tell civilians that they’re dome pilots on an AWACS. Girls fall for the word pilot and never question their story.
Tate’s grandma will be here tonight, they’re going to have a late dinner before going back to the hotel. He told me he’ll be staying at her hotel with her. He was able to use his leave so he wouldn’t have to work tomorrow or Monday. I’m excited and scared at the same time. We went to the park last night and practiced a song to sing at his gig this weekend. Since we’ve had a chance to practice in person, I’m not as afraid to sing, or so I tell myself. I sit.. back and let my mind wander back to last night’s goodnight kiss.
His mouth was crushed to mine as I was leaned back against the hood of my car. No one was in the park since it officially closes at dark and it was after ten. The way I feel about him is getting stronger every day. With every touch and late night phone call I get the warm fuzzies and can’t wait to see him again. Even though I think about Andy every day¸ I don’t find myself obsessing about her being gone anymore. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy, but inside I know it’s okay. Per the grief pamphlet, there are five stages of grief, I’m at the acceptance stage. It isn’t like I have a choice but to accept it, so to me that is a stupid stage.
***
Dad’s resting his elbows on his knees as I walk into the doctor’s office. He looks at me, waiting for me to greet him. I say hello to the doctor and my dad. He stays slumped on the couch holding his head up with his hands and knees.
“Good afternoon, Holland. Your dad and I have been talking and we think we’ve come to a conclusion as to why he’s so worried about you dating a military guy,” Dr. Jones says.
My dad looks at me sheepishly and nods his head. “I’m sorry baby, I don’t mean to be the way I am. You’re so good to me and I’m a bastard.”
“Daddy, you’re not a bastard!” My heart breaks a little as I see this broken man who I call father.
“Yes I am. I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never shared with anyone, not even my doctors.” He clears his throat and takes a sip of his water. “Before me, your mother dated a guy in the military. She was sixteen and he was twenty-two. After three months, her mom gave her permission to marry him. Within six months, he got orders to Florida, and they moved away. It wasn’t long before she was pregnant,” he pauses and looks at me. “He didn’t want a baby, so he forced her to get an abortion. After that, he was cruel to her and started beating her if she didn’t do things right. After a year of being beat, raped, and shot at, the military police came to their base housing and arrested him. She filed for divorce and a restraining order. He was put in military jail for fifteen years and dishonorably discharged from the Army. He promised that he’d find her wherever she went and kill her. To avoid him being able to find her, she moved to Oklahoma. Your mom is from Iowa.”
My stomach lurches and turns as he’s telling me this horrible story that happened to my own mother. I let out a loud sigh, not realizing I’d been holding my breath. I’m rocking back and forth as I register that my mom was married to a monster.
“There’s more Holly,” Dad says.
I wipe a tear off my cheek with the back of my hand. Dr. Jones hands me a box of tissue. “Just spit it out!�
�
“Your mother didn’t abandon us, we agreed it was safer for you if she left. Her ex-husband comes from money and has the means to hire private investigators to find her. He had made a promise to kill her and anyone else she loves. A year before he got out of prison is when your mom left. She loves you so much she sacrificed your love for her and moved away. I’ve talked to her a few times, she’s safe and loves you very much. I never wanted you to fall into the same rouse and fall for a guy in the military. It would be impossible to live without you, I’d worry myself sick about your safety.”
Tears are streaming down my face for the mother I’ve been so angry with, and to know she left to protect me. I turn and glare at my dad, how dare him judge Tate.
“You mean to tell me that you don’t like military men because of one asshat? Who the hell are you to decide every single guy in the military is the same? You and my mother decided to sacrifice my love? This is BULLSHIT!” I stand up because I’m shaking too bad trying to control my outburst. “My own mother walked out without saying good-bye! She calls you and no one thought that maybe I would want to hear her voice. To be told she’s okay? I graduated high school and my mother wasn’t there. Prom is the time a mom helps get you ready and takes tons of pictures to share with everyone. I DIDN’T get that! Instead I got stuck with a mentally ill barely functioning father! I can’t even begin to process this here in this room. How long do we have, forty-five more minutes? Do you think I can seriously come to terms with this right now?”
Dr. Jones takes a sip of whatever is in his coffee cup and clears his throat. “Holland, I understand this is a lot to deal with at the moment. It’s a shame that you had to find out this way,”
“A shame, wow, what an understatement. Don’t patronize me. Whatever! I’m done. How much longer is he going to be hospitalized? I have to manage my schedule around your unknown day by day treatment. I’m tired of living my life, revolving it around a man who is nothing more than a mentally ill liar. Tell me a date, I’ll be here to pick him up.” I shove my hands in my front pockets of my pants to keep them from shaking.
“Your father is trying to communicate with you, don’t you think you should hear him out?” Dr. Jones takes his pen and scribbles something in it. I can imagine he’s writing down that I’m the problem.
“Great, he’s communicated with me. I’m leaving so give me a date or call me with a date, but I’m not staying in here to listen to anymore secretive bullshit.”
“Let her go doc, she deserves a chance to say what she wants. I’ve been unfair to her and I can’t continue this farce,” my dad says defeated.
Don’t feel sorry for him! I pick up my purse and as I put my hand on the knob the doctor says he will be released the following Monday before lunch. Fan-freakin-tastic!
I walk through the door and I don’t stop until I’m safely in my car. My mom is alive and running from her ex-husband. My dad has let me sit up and cry myself to sleep worrying about her. She has family, she isn’t an orphan like they said. My life is nothing but a big fat lie.
For the last few years I’ve been the grown-up while dealing with a mentally ill man why has never once told me anything about my mom. She’s out there somewhere and I’m here dealing with her husband, the man she loved.
Damn!
***
ARE YOU READY TO SEE MY HANDSOME FACE? 3:03 pm
ALWAYS! 3:07 pm
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR? 3:07 pm
WHAT UNDERWEAR? 3:08 pm
YOU’RE KILLING ME! 3:09 pm
TATE? 3:10 pm
YES MY DEAR 3:10 pm
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU 3:11 pm
ARE YOU PINING? 3:12 pm
MOST DEFINITELY PINING. I NEED TO GET DRESSED. SEE YOU IN A WHILE. 3:12 pm
YOU’RE NAKED? DEF KILLING ME! 3:14 pm
NAKED AND STREAKING AROUND THE HOUSE 3:14 pm
WHAT WAS YOUR ADDRESS? 3:15 pm
LOL! GOTTA GO. MISS ME! 3:16 pm
I’M MISSING YOU AND THOSE PERFECT LIPS. SEE YOU! 3:18 pm
He mentions my lips almost every time he texts me. Ever since Dad has been in the hospital, I’ve been able to go through Andy’s stuff and rearrange my room. Since I’m working all the time, finding the chance to do a deep clean in the house seems impossible. I’ve scrubbed the walls and baseboards with lemon smelling pine cleaner, vacuumed and cleaned the windows. I found all of Dad’s dirty clothes and piled my trunk with laundry and went to the laundromat. Tate brought his laundry and we made a date of it. You know a guy likes you if he’s willing to sit in a smelly Laundromat. As I was folding my clothes and shoving my underwear under my yoga pants, I dropped one of my thongs on the floor. Tate bent over, grabbing it before I could. The expression on his face went from playful to one of desire. I almost died from embarrassment as he handed them to me.
For lunch, he ran and picked up some burgers for us and we picnicked at a folding table. He had to leave early to pick his grandma up from the airport. I packed my trunk and went home to my empty house. I haven’t told Tate what my dad revealed to me in the session. It will take me some time to absorb the fact that my mom is running for her life. Reflecting back, I’ve replayed the scene over and over in my head. The only conclusion I come to is I need to find my mom.
***
I’ve decided Tate is the hardest person to shop for in the history of shopping. Buying him clothes is silly, he wears stuff I can’t afford to buy. His cologne is so good, I don’t want him to change the scent. Last night I sat up until four in the morning working on his present. If I knew how to play it on the guitar, I would have, instead, I bought the track without words. Tonight, when we get up and sing together, I’m going to dedicate the song and sing it to him.
Bethany and Sam are sitting on their porch as I pull up. They’re coming out to the club to see the show, so are Tracy and Don. Witch-Crafts Brew has made a big deal out of Tate coming out this week. Even though the place is full of bitches and assholes, I can’t deny Tate his chance to make a name for himself.
“Holy sweaty balls! You look smoking Holland! You’re gettin’ laid tonight!” Sam shouts for the neighborhood to hear. Bethany reaches over and grabs his ear and pinches it between her fingernails. “Fuuu, dammit Beth that hurts!” He yells as he swats her hand away.
“Why does everything have to be so crass?” Bethany shouts at Sam. “You look great Holland. That peach color is beautiful with your big brown eyes. Come on, let’s get that hair fixed up. Where did you find your maxi dress at? I’ve looked everywhere for one that’s a halter like that one,” Bethany gushes.
“It was in the stuff that Andy’s mom gave me. She probably bought it out of a catalog. She never wore this one, she said it wasn’t a good color for her,” I admit. We go to the kitchen table, which has been set up with her straightening iron and a curling iron.
“You want some booze to loosen up? You’re meeting a parental unit. That can be tough.”
“Thanks Beth, I’ll pass. Are you drinking tonight?”
“Oh hell no. I’m not wrecking that beautiful car of yours.”
She’s dropping me off at the restaurant and keeping my car. Tate will drop me off to get my car after we’re done tonight. “Good, you had me worried for a minute.”
Bethany is growing on me. I told her about Tracy’s talk and about Tate and I agreeing not to have sex. It’s been nice having someone I can tell those types of things to, but Tate is more like a best friend. He’s smart and likes to talk about the stars and point out constellations to me. He dreams of doing missionary work and putting a scholarship together in his grandfather’s name. He never says anything mean spirited to me and always acts like a gentleman.
“Holland, you spend too much time being a grown up, stop worrying. What did you buy Mr. Wonderful for his birthday, other than the eye candy?” She says and points to my dress.
“I can’t tell you. Oh man, we need to go. I don’t want his grandma thinking I’m a slacker,” I say looking down at my w
atch.
“Just two more curls and we’re done. You’re giving him your virginity!” Bethany’s boobs are in my face as she leans forward to grab a strand of my hair.
“Hello, boobs!” I say before they’re smashed into my nose. She laughs it off and keeps on curling. “You think I’m a virgin?”
“Well yeah, I figure that’s why you’re so uptight, you need to get laid.”
“Is that what Sam tells you?”
“You’re a goody goody, sorry, it’s true.” Bethany steps back to admire her work.
“If you must know, I’m not a virgin. That ship sailed a while back.” I pick up the handheld mirror and take it to the bathroom to see the back of my hair. “I’m really a bad girl that lives like a good girl,” I tease.
“One day, I hope to meet the bad girl. You’re pretty cool as a goody, but I can’t keep up.” She gives my hair a final spray and steps back to admire us in the mirror. “In all seriousness, if you ever need to talk, I’m a good listener.”
“Thank you, I’m happy we met. You’re fun to be with. Before we get mushy, let’s go!”
***
Tate is at the door dressed in a pair of jeans and a crisp blood red button down polo. He’s looking down at his cell phone, not paying attention. I grab his arm and shout, “BOO!” He doesn’t as much as flinch, instead he spins around and grabs me by the waist and kisses me.
