Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Under this silent atmosphere which no dared to speak, only Haruhi exclaimed excitedly, “So you’ve finally got the hang of it, Yuki? This costume is excellent!” Nagato slowly moved her eyes towards Haruhi and then returned her gaze to her book.

  “This costume matches exactly with my character concept! Do tell me later who designed this costume for you, I’d like to send him a telegraph to thank him for his efforts!”

  Oh please, sending him a congratulatory telegraph would just make him even more suspicious, worrying whether there’s some hidden meaning to it. Can’t you objectively notice how everyone else thinks of you?

  Haruhi was already in seventh heaven. Humming the Turkish Rondo, she opened her bag and took out a few pieces of printed paper. She then handed the papers to each of us, while beaming like Kintarou who had just beaten the black bear.

  I had no choice but to direct my gaze towards the piece of paper.

  On it was scribbled the following:

  “Battle Waitress – The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru (Working Title)”

  • Cast

  • Asahina Mikuru – the Battle Waitress from the future

  • Koizumi Itsuki – the Esper Youth

  • Nagato Yuki – the Evil Alien

  • Extras – everyone else

  ……Oh god, what on earth is this? She actually guessed them all correctly.

  I was totally shocked. I did not know whether she had amazing skills of deductions, or she simply guessed blindly and got them all correct. I even suspected that she pretended not to know. To be able to make such correct judgments out of the blue, just what kind of power was that?

  I was speechless for a moment, and only came to my senses when I heard someone giggling besides me. That could only be Koizumi.

  “Oh, I see……”

  He seemed rather pleased; I really am envious of him.

  “How should I say this? As expected from Suzumiya-san perhaps? Only Suzumiya-san could have come up with such characters, simply amazing.”

  Don’t smile at me like that, you’re making me uncomfortable.

  Asahina-san gripped the stack of A4 paper with her hands, which were trembling as she stared at the contents.

  “Ah……”

  She exclaimed softly and looked at me, carrying an expression as though asking to be rescued. I looked carefully and noticed her eyes carried a sense of extreme sadness with a bit of reproachfulness, like a kind big sister berating a young kid for pulling a naughty prank……Ah, now I remember. After what happened six months ago, I told Haruhi about their true identities.

  Um, oh dear. Was it my fault?

  I frantically looked at Nagato, and saw that the alien-created Living Humanoid Interface, wearing her black cloak and pointy hat……

  “……”

  Was still silently reading her book.

  “It’s not that big of a problem.”

  Koizumi said optimistically, I wasn’t even in the mood to laugh.

  “I know it’s not funny, but it’s not all that gloomy.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because this is only a character allocation for the movie. Suzumiya-san doesn’t really believe that I’m an esper, it’s only in the fictional movie world that the character Koizumi Itsuki, played by me, happens to be an esper.”

  Koizumi sounded like a personal tutor lecturing at a student with a short-term memory.

  “The Koizumi Itsuki in the real world and this ‘Koizumi Itsuki’ are two different people. I don’t suppose that you would confuse me with the character I play. Even if someone were to confuse between the two, it wouldn’t be Suzumiya-san.”

  “I just can’t relax. No one can guarantee that what you say is correct.” “If she had confused the real world with a fictional one, this world would have become a science fiction realm already. I’ve said it before, Suzumiya-san may not look like it, but she does think logically within the confines of reality.” Of course I also knew that because Haruhi’s way of thinking was always in half-fantasy mode, that was why I always got involved in all sorts of peculiar events. To top it all, the perpetrator Haruhi was not even aware of it herself.

  “Because we offered no proof.”

  Koizumi said calmly,

  “Perhaps one day things will develop to an extent where her awareness will become inevitable, but that’s not the case now. It’s good that the forces Asahina-san and Nagato-san represent think the same way as well, so I believe it’s fine if we keep it like this forever.”

  I thought so too, since I don’t want to see the world getting messed up. It would be a pity if the world ends before I could even have a chance of beating the video game that comes out next week.

  Koizumi continued smiling,

  “Instead of worrying about the world, you should take care of yourself more. It’s possible for me and Nagato-san to be replaced with someone else easily, but not you.”

  In order not to let Koizumi see my now complex thoughts, I pretended to concentrate on loading the toy gun.

  Today, Haruhi spent the time having Asahina-san try out the costume, announced the character allocation for everyone, and then called it a day. In fact, she had planned to drag Asahina-san, dressed in her waitress costume, everywhere around school, and then open a press conference to promote her movie. But as Asahina-san was close to tears, I tried everything to make her drop that idea. I told her in this high school, there was no News Society, or Journalist Society, and definitely no Advertising Society. Haruhi looked at me, her lips sticking out like a bird’s beak, and looked down and said,

  “Yeah, you’re right.”

  I never thought she would back off so quickly.

  “It’s better to keep things secret until the last moment. Kyon, you’re quite smart for your level of intelligence. It’ll be troublesome if things were to leak out beforehand.”

  This isn’t some Hollywood or Hong Kong action movie; no one would be interested in stealing your weird ideas.

  “Then Kyon, you’re responsible for making sure that gun is up and ready by today, because shooting starts tomorrow. You need to learn how to use a camera as well. Oh yeah, you need to look for software that could upload the video clip onto the computer for digital editing, and……”

  And so, Haruhi shoved a whole load of work to me and went home humming the tune of “The Great Escape.” She really knows how to give people a lot of trouble no matter how they are feeling. Seriously! So right now, Koizumi and I are busy reading the instruction manual and figuring out how to fire the BB bullets from the toy gun.

  After changing, Asahina-san went home with her shoulders drooped low. Nagato also disappeared without even taking her bag in that witch costume as though being invited for the Sabbath. Looks like Nagato only came to show us her costume. Judging by her style, there may be some meaning for her to do that, though it’s also possible she only came just to visit. She’s probably busy doing something in her classroom, like predicting the future with her crystal ball.

  I had a feeling the school was getting livelier day after day. Every day after school, the trumpets in the third-rate orchestra stopped going out of tune and began to be in synch; there were also people cutting up plywood and balsa in every hidden corner of the school; while the number of students dressed up in weird costumes like Nagato’s was increasing every day.

  Yet, this was only a school activity held by a simple prefectural high school, it doesn’t seem like it would be a big thrill. In my opinion, only half the school at most were still trying hard to make their school life more enjoyable. Our class, 1-5, on the other hand, had long abandoned trying to have fun at the festival. Those students without any club affiliations would probably have plenty of time to spare by then, and Taniguchi and Kunikida were perfect representatives of the “Go Home After School Club.”

  “This school festival,”

  Taniguchi began.

  It was during lunch break, I was hanging out with these two insignificant side characters as
we ate our boxed lunches.

  “What about the school festival?”

  Kunikida asked, Taniguchi revealed a smile that was pathetically hideous compared to Koizumi’s elegant smile, “Sure is a super event.”

  Could you please not sound like Haruhi!? The smile from Taniguchi’s face faded suddenly, “Yet it has nothing to do with me, that sure pisses me off.” “Why is that?”

  Kunikida asked.

  “I don’t think it’s fun at all. And those people that look busy sure tick me off, especially those where the guys are paired with the girls. Makes me want to kill them!”

  I guess this is what they call a jealous rage?

  “What about our class? Holding a survey? Hmph! That’s way too boring! It’s just going to be stupid questions about what’s your favourite colours! What’s the point of collecting such information anyway?”

  If you’re so dissatisfied, why don’t you suggest something else then? Maybe then Haruhi wouldn’t have had the time to go make a movie.

  Taniguchi swallowed a sausage and said,

  “I’m not going to get myself in trouble by making such suggestions. Sigh, I don’t mind making suggestions, it’s just that I would be put in charge of the event if the suggestion is followed.”

  Kunikida stopped cutting his rolled cake and said, “You’re right.” “It’s only the foolish that would dare come out with any suggestions, or those with a strong sense of responsibility, like if Asakura-san were still here.” He mentioned the name of the student that had moved to Canada. I would still break a cold sweat every time I hear that name. Though it was Nagato that made Asakura disappear, I was the cause of her departure. I also did nothing to prevent her from disappearing back then, so it’s too late to regret it now.

  “Man, this is such a pity,” Taniguchi said, “Why did that perfect, bright student leave us? She was the sole reason I felt grateful for being in this class. Damn, I wonder if it’s too late to request to move to a different class?”

  “Which class do you have in mind?” Kunikida asked, “Nagato’s class? Oh, speaking of which, I saw her wandering around dressed like a wizard, just what was that all about?”

  Well, I’m not sure myself.

  “Nagato, huh……”

  Taniguchi looked at me, his face suddenly looked as though he had to face a math pop quiz, and said as though realizing something,

  “So when did it begin? I saw you embracing her in the classroom back then. That’s probably one of Suzumiya’s scripts. You did that to scare me on purpose, right? You can’t fool me.”

  It’s a good thing Taniguchi misinterpreted the whole thing, the weight on my shoulders was instantly lifted at once. ……Wait a minute, didn’t you come in the classroom because you forgot to bring something? How were we supposed to know you were coming? ……Of course, I didn’t tell him about this. Taniguchi is an idiot, and there’s really no point in telling an idiot that he’s an idiot. Sometimes I’m even grateful that the gods have made Taniguchi an idiot at birth.

  “Speaking of which, that sure was nonsense,”

  Taniguchi said gratefully, Kunikida was busy eating, while I looked behind me. Haruhi’s seat was empty, just what was she up to now?

  “I was looking around the school for places where I could shoot the movie,” Haruhi said,

  “But there was no suitable location. There’s just no way we could create any atmosphere inside the school, let’s go outside!”

  She may not like the atmosphere in the school, but she didn’t have to go through the trouble of finding a lively spot outside just because of that. She seemed determined to make it big.

  “Um…… D… Do I have to go, too?”

  Asahina-san asked in a terrified tone.

  “Of course. We can’t be without our star.”

  “I… In this costume?”

  Asahina-san shivered, since like yesterday, today she was again forced to wear that waitress costume, which I have no idea how Haruhi obtained.

  “Well, of course.”

  Haruhi nodded as a matter-of-factly, Asahina-san embraced herself and squirmed.

  “Wouldn’t it be too bothersome if you have to change all the time? We might not be able to find a place to change there anyway. So you might as well wear that all day, right? C’mon! Let’s go!”

  “At least let me wear something on top……”

  Asahina-san pleaded.

  “No!”

  “But it’s too embarrassing.”

  “You have to feel embarassed in order to portray that subtle shy feeling! How do you expect to win the Golden Globe like that?”

  Wasn’t our objective just to win the best event for the school festival? Today everyone in the brigade was gathered in the club room. Koizumi came as well, his class’ theatre script being sorted out already, smiling at the one-sided interaction between Haruhi and Asahina-san. Nagato was here as well, though she posed another problem.

  “……”

  She was silent as usual, that was nothing, but she looked strange today. For some reason, she was again dressed in that wizard outfit that she came to show us yesterday. Actually she could just wear that on the day of the school festival, she didn’t have to start wearing it now.

  Haruhi looked really fond of Nagato’s black cloak and pointed hat.

  “Your role is now the ‘Evil Alien Magician!’”

  In no time she had already altered the script. I watched as Haruhi stuffed into Nagato’s hand a conductor rod, which on its tip was fitted a decorative star, the sort usually used to decorate Christmas trees, while Nagato stood motionless. For some reason, even I had no problem with this silent bookworm playing the role of an alien magician. Maybe this role would suit Nagato better than the so-called Integrated Data Entity, because she could indeed wield magical powers, at least for my eyes, so it can’t be wrong.

  Nagato suddenly pushed up the brim of her hat and looked at me with her expressionless eyes.

  “……”

  I had concerns about how Haruhi decided on her own to use costumes originally designed for other classes’ activities for her movie, but for her, such problems simply do not exist.

  “Kyon! Have you prepared the camera? Koizumi-kun, I’m counting on you to carry the equipment there. Mikuru-chan! Why are you still grabbing the table? Hurry up and move on!”

  Asahina-san’s weak resistance was futile. Haruhi simply grabbed the back of the waitress’s collar and dragged her tiny figure towards the door as she whimpered nonstop. Nagato followed behind dragging the tail of her cloak...

  Asahina-san’s weak resistance was futile. Haruhi simply grabbed the back of the waitress’s collar and dragged her tiny figure towards the door as she whimpered nonstop. Nagato followed behind dragging the tail of her cloak, while Koizumi went last, winked at me, and then disappeared into the corridor.

  Just as I was thinking whether it was still possible for me to not go……

  “Hey! We can’t make a movie without a cameraman!”

  Haruhi stuck her upper torso in the opened door and yelled loudly at me with her mouth wide open. Seeing the words “Great Director” written on the armband on Haruhi’s left arm, I suddenly had an ominous feeling.

  It seemed this girl was dead serious about it.

  Haruhi the self-proclaimed “Great Director,” despite not having any prior directorial experience before, led the way; the cute waitress lowered her head and followed, while the gloomy young witch trailed behind like a shadow. Koizumi carried the paper bags and smiled brightly…… I tried my best to stay as far away as possible while following this eccentric group.

  Already capturing the attention of the school as it walked along, this Halloween costume entourage became the focus of attention as it stepped outside of school. Asahina-san walked dejectedly amongst us. After two minutes of walking, she hung her head down low, three minutes and she was already blushing furiously, five minutes later, she was basically floating on thin air like a depressed ghost.

&n
bsp; Haruhi walked ahead beaming brightly as though the heavens are about to shake, humming the theme song of “Heaven and Hell.” I don’t know when she had it prepared, as I saw her carrying in her right hand a yellow loudspeaker, and in her left hand a director’s chair, striding gallantly like the Mongol hordes marching west across the grassy plains. As I was wondering where she was about to strike next, I noticed we had reached the train station. Haruhi bought five tickets and handed one to each of us, then marched on as a matter-of-factly towards the ticket turnstiles.

  “Hold it.”

  I gave my objection before Asahina-san could even speak. I pointed towards the waitress in a mini-skirt, who was drawing all the gazes from everywhere, and the black cloaked witch, who was standing like a bystander, and said,

  “You’re going to let them ride the train dressed like that?” “Is there a problem?” Haruhi pretended not to understand and countered, “If they didn’t wear anything, they might get arrested. But they’re dressed just fine! Or are you thinking that a bunny-girl costume would be better? Then why didn’t you say so earlier? I wouldn’t mind changing the working title to ‘Battle Bunny-Girl!’” This shouldn’t come from someone deliberately bringing a person in a waitress costume…… By the way, I thought you said you had the concept of the movie thought out already? I’m not too sure about this, but can you just alter the concept of the movie whenever you please? I tried my hardest to guess what on earth our director was thinking.

  “The ability to adapt to circumstances is vital. That’s how life on earth evolved to this day through survival of the fittest. You’ll go extinct if you stop thinking! We must learn how to adapt in order to survive!”

  Adapt to what? If mother nature were sentient, I’m sure the first thing she would do was to drive Haruhi out of the atmosphere of the earth.

  Koizumi was reduced to a smiling slave in charge of carrying the equipment, Nagato remained silent, while Asahina-san was too worn out to say anything. In other words, I was the only one doing all the talking.