Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  How I wish someone would think of a way out of this.

  It now looks like Haruhi has interpreted our silence as us being moved to deep thought by her speech.

  “Ah, here comes the train! Mikuru-chan, let’s go! The show’s about to begin!” Like a police officer dragging a female criminal whose motive was worthy of sympathy, Haruhi pushed Asahina-san’s shoulders towards the turnstiles.

  Coming out of the station, I noticed it was the station we had been to the other day, as the shopping street was right ahead. Before I could even suspect, I realized Haruhi had even come to the exact same store that she had visited. It was the electronic store where she managed to obtain the camera.

  “I came as promised!”

  Haruhi entered energetically, the owner stuck his head out and landed his gaze onto Asahina-san.

  “Hoho.”

  The owner stared at the lead actress with a horny looking smile, while Asahina-san stood stiff like one of those combat game characters who had just used up all her special moves. The owner then said,

  “She’s the girl from the day before? She really looks different today, hoho. Then we’re counting on you.” Counting on what? I had instinctively wanted to move forward one step and shield Asahina-san, who was trembling, behind my back, but I got pushed back by Haruhi before I could do that.

  “The meeting will now begin, everyone listen up.”

  With the same smile that she had after winning the inter-class relay race during sports day, Haruhi announced,

  “We shall now start shooting the commercials!”

  “T… the owner of this store, um, he’s very generous and kind. This store has been opened by the owner Eijirou-san’s grandfather, and they sell everything from dry batteries to refrigerators. Oh, and…… um……”

  The waitress smiled stiffly as she tried her best to read from the script, while Nagato stood beside her holding up a plastic banner that read “Oomori Electronics.” The two of them were now captured into the viewing window of my camera.

  Asahina-san gave a very clumsy looking smile, carrying a microphone that was not even plugged in.

  Koizumi stood beside me and smiled wryly as he carried the placards with the script written on them. The placards were basically a sketch book in which Haruhi wrote the script without even thinking a while ago. Koizumi flipped the pages of the sketch book in accordance with Asahina-san’s reading speed.

  We stood outside the entrance to the electronic store, which was right in the middle of the shopping street.

  Haruhi sat on the director’s chair crossing her legs, and frowned at Asahina-san’s acting.

  “OK, cut!”

  She slapped her loudspeaker onto her palm and said,

  “That was entirely devoid of any emotion. Why can’t you convey it? There’s just no feeling of ‘that’s it.’” She said while biting her nails.

  Looking stunned, I stopped recording. Clutching the microphone with both her hands, Asahina-san also stopped what she was doing. Nagato was motionless since the beginning, while all Koizumi could do was smile.

  The pedestrians walking on the shopping street have now gathered behind us out of curiosity.

  “Mikuru-chan, your expression was too stiff. You need to smile more naturally from the bottom of your heart. Think of something happy, aren’t you happy right now? You’re chosen as the female lead after all! There can’t be anything happier than this in your whole life!”

  I really wanted to just tell her, Stop being ridiculous already! If I had to compress the conversation between Haruhi and the store owner into two lines, I believe it would be like this: “During the shooting of the movie, we’ll make a commercial for this store as well. So can you lend us a camera?” “Sure, no problem.”

  The owner was deluded to actually believing Haruhi’s sweet words, while Haruhi was simply nuts to think of putting a commercial inside a movie. I had never seen a movie where the female lead had to become a spokesperson for a commercial product. I wouldn’t have minded if it were just simple product placement by shooting the name of the store in the background of some scenes, but now we’re shooting an advertisement instead of a movie.

  “I know!”

  Haruhi suddenly shouted. What is it that you know now!? “It just feels strange to see a waitress coming out of an electronic store.” Maybe it’s because of the costume you chose?

  “Koizumi-kun, give me that bag. The smaller one over there.” Haruhi received the paper bag Koizumi handed her, then grabbed the dreamy Asahina-san by the hand and strode towards the store.

  “Manager! Is there a place where you can change? Um, anywhere would do. Even the bathroom. Really? Then we’ll use the storeroom!”

  Without even flinching, she then dragged Asahina-san and disappeared into the store. Poor Asahina-san didn’t even have the strength to resist, and could only follow awkwardly as she got dragged by Haruhi’s incredible strength. Maybe she was prepared to do anything Haruhi asked as long as she could get out of that costume.

  Koizumi, Nagato and I were left standing outside with nothing to do. Nagato wore her black costume and continued to hold up her plastic banner while staring at the camera. It’s quite amazing that her arms never get tired.

  Koizumi smiled softly at me.

  “It seems like I won’t be performing anytime soon. I was only in the class play because everyone voted to have me in, it’s already exhausting trying to memorize all the lines, so I do hope there aren’t that many lines for this role I’m playing. ……How about it? Why don’t you try being the male lead?”

  Haruhi’s the one who decides who plays what, so you’ll have to go ask her.

  “Do you think I am capable of taking on such a frightening task? I dare not imagine an actor telling the executive producer and director what to do, since Suzumiya-san’s orders are absolute. I don’t even want to think what retaliatory moves she would have against me if I did that.”

  Well, neither do I! Are you saying that’s the reason why I’m willing to be a cameraman? Besides, we aren’t even shooting a movie, but a regional advert for a local store. There’s a limit to showing your sense of belonging to the neighbourhood.

  I’m guessing a frantic scene was being played right now at the back of the store. I can imagine the look on Haruhi’s face as she strips the clothes off a defenseless Asahina-san. I wonder what she would have Asahina-san wear this time, why doesn’t she wear them herself? Her figure is just as stunning as Asahina-san’s anyway, has she never thought of starring in the movie herself?

  “Sorry to keep you waiting!”

  Of the two people coming out of the store, Haruhi remained in her uniform of course, while the sight of the other instantly gave me a trip down memory lane. Has it been six months already? How time flies by! So many things have happened since then! Amateur baseball tournament, lone island mansion…… Now that I think about it, these have all become happy memories. ……How was this possible?

  That was Asahina-san’s debut performance, the one that made Asahina-san and Haruhi the talk of the school instantly. It was the extremely revealing costume that left Asahina-san emotionally scarred.

  The impeccable, perfect bunny-girl blushed bright red with tears in her eyes, and followed timidly behind Haruhi as her bunny ears swung to and fro.

  “Yes, now that’s perfect. It’s better after all to do an advertisement in a bunny-girl costume,” Haruhi said ambiguously and studied Asahina-san, giving a satisfied smile. Asahina-san simply looked traumatized, as though half of her soul had flown out of her half-opened cherry red lips.

  “Mikuru-chan, let’s start over again. You’ve memorized the script already, I’m sure. Kyon, roll the tape.” Who would have the mood to listen to her when she’s dressed like that? When this movie plays, I’m sure the audience would be paying attention to the bunny-girl played by Asahina-san instead. It would be fortunate if the screen didn’t get burned by the staring gazes of the audiences.

  “And, take 2!”


  Haruhi yelled and slapped her loudspeaker sharply.

  Finally, the shooting of the electronic store advertisement starring Asahina-san, who was smiling and crying at the same time while being toyed around by Haruhi, was complete. The whole thing felt like watching a foreign wrestler being manipulated by an evil agent in every match.

  But, having gotten to this point, I realized we had visited another store before. I didn’t even need to speculate, as Haruhi was already thinking of making a commercial for them as well.

  Asahina went “Ah~!” and “Kyaa~!” cutely as she got dragged along by Haruhi down the shopping street. Meanwhile Nagato followed slowly behind Koizumi and me like a phantom in her usual flat wizard expression.

  I placed my jacket over Asahina-san’s exposed back, trying to console her. Perhaps doing so only increased the attention from the onlookers even more. After all, this world is populated by people with strange tastes. Let me make it clear by the way, those are not my tastes.

  We went to the second model toy store and repeated what we had done before. Under the watchful eyes of the curious bystanders, Asahina-san looked tearfully at me – the lens of the camera, that is.

  “Th… This model toy store was opened by Yamatsuchi Keiji-san, age 28, who ignored the objections of his parents and left his life as a white-collar worker…… In order to fulfill his dreams…… As expected, the sales didn’t grow as planned. Sales for the first half of this year was only 80% of last year’s, and the sales curve have fallen towards the lower right corner of the chart…… That’s why… Please do come and take a look around!”

  Asahina-san’s speech was totally unconvincing. Would the owner Yamatsuchi-san even accept such an advertisement? He would probably be even more dejected than he was now. Who would want to be treated to such a speech by a high school student anyway?

  The bunny-girl was now being forced to aim the model rifle she was holding upwards.

  “Please don’t aim this at people, try it on empty cans instead!” Nagato stood behind staring blankly forward, holding up a plastic banner that read “Yamatsuchi Model Store.” It was such a surreal sight. As Asakura Ryoko looked like a normal person with emotions, that meant not all the alien-created humanoid interfaces behaved like robots. I think Nagato only behaved like that simply because she was programmed that way in the beginning.

  Asahina-san now aimed the rifle towards the empty cans laying on the ground and fired at them.

  “Ah! I think this would hurt if you get hit! Ahhh~~!!!”

  Asahina-san yelled timidly as the aluminum cans slowly became dented like a beehive. This shooting demonstration caused a commotion among the bystanders, though Asahina-san’s aim accuracy was only 1%.

  Somehow I just felt that shooting all these scenes into the DV recording camera was a complete waste. I felt sorry for both Asahina-san and the guy that designed this camera, since this camera wasn’t supposed to be made to shoot such silly scenes.

  And so the day ended after shooting of the stupid commercials had ended.

  We returned to school first to listen to Haruhi announce the upcoming shooting schedule.

  “As tomorrow, Saturday, is a holiday, everyone must come early. We meet at nine in front of Kitaguchi Station, you hear?”

  But, the commercials alone were already 15 minutes long. Just how long was the movie going to be? No one is going to be able to finish a three-hour movie shown in a school festival, and I’m not optimistic about the box-office receipts either.

  I thought this to myself while noticing how depressed Asahina-san was. She rode the train dressed as a waitress when going out, and returned as a bunny-girl. Right now, changed back into her uniform, she now knelt on the ground looking completely worn out. At this rate, the female lead is going to fall asleep during shooting.

  I finished drinking the genmaicha that Koizumi made in place of Asahina-san, who rested her head on the table looking tired, and said,

  “Haruhi, can’t you think of any other costumes Asahina-san can wear? Aren’t there any other battle costumes that suit the occasion better? Like some military costumes or cheerleader costumes?”

  Haruhi waved her conductor rod fitted with a star at its end and said, “There’s no originality in wearing such costumes. It is only by dressing as a waitress that the audience can go ‘Ooohhh~~~!’ It’s important to grasp what the audience is thinking. That’s what they call concept!” I really wonder whether she even understood what a concept is, as all I could do was sigh.

  “Forget it…… Let’s leave that aside. Why must the female protagonist be set as coming from the future? I don’t see what difference it makes to the story!”

  Asahina-san shuddered a bit while lying on the table. Haruhi didn’t notice that, obviously she’s not giving up, “We’ll consider that sort of stuff later, we’ll worry about it when someone voices a concern.” Didn’t I just voice a concern!? Answer the question!!!

  “If an answer can’t be thought out after consideration, then it’s best to leave it alone! It doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that it’s interesting!”

  Provided you can make it interesting. What are the chances of you making a movie that’s interesting? What’s the point in making a movie for which only the director feels an interest? Are you trying to get nominated for the Golden Raspberry Awards?

  “What on earth’s that? I only have one objective, that is to get voted the best event of the school festival! If possible, I wouldn’t mind getting a Golden Globe. In order to achieve that goal, it’s important that Mikuru-chan wears the right costumes!”

  I don’t see how anyone could fret over such stuff. I have a feeling Haruhi was compelled to do this after getting pissed off watching a crap movie that somehow won the Golden Globe awards.

  I sighed again and looked towards the side. Dressed all in black, Nagato had returned to her corner in the club room and once again was indulging herself in her world of books. What was wrong with her? Would she die if she wasn’t reading something in this room?

  “Hang on.”

  Looking at the alien who loved reading, I suddenly thought of something, “Hey, I still haven’t seen the script yet.”

  It’s not just the script that’s missing, I don’t even know what the story is. All I knew was that Asahina-san was a waitress from the future, Koizumi was an esper youth, while Nagato was an evil alien magician.

  “It’s not necessary.”

  Just what was Haruhi thinking!? She suddenly closed her eyes and pointed to her forehead with the star on her conductor’s staff,

  “Because e~~verything is in here, the script and the storyboard. You don’t have to worry about anything, I’ll think of all the scenes that need to be filmed for you.”

  A bold statement. You should be the one who need not do any thinking and can just stare out the window. If you looked a bit more gentle and serious, you could compete with Asahina-san with no problem at all.

  “Tomorrow guys! Let’s march bravely forward. In order to obtain glory, one must start on the mental side. It is the fastest way to victory without ever spending any money! When you free yourself from the cage of your mind, you’ll be able release your potential that you never even knew you had. That’s the way!”

  That would probably work in those combat comics, but no matter how hard you try to spew out how to control your state of mind or how to go international, it’s still going to be a long way before the Japanese soccer team could win the World Cup.

  “That’s it for today! Let’s look forward to tomorrow! Kyon, don’t forget the camera, equipment and costumes. Be punctual everyone!”

  Haruhi then grabbed up her bag with all her force and bolted out of the room. As the humming of the “Rocky” theme song diminished down the corridor, I looked resentfully at the pile of equipment that I had to carry. Just to which society do I complain about the tyrannical actions of this director?

  So far today, our school life had been as normal as it gets, just that it got spice
d up, to the level of nearly losing control, by Haruhi’s over-enthusiasm in the making of her movie. If a survey were conducted on the high schools on the whole nation, I’m sure there are other people who are just as eccentric as us. In other words, they’re all living a “normal” life.

  I wasn’t attacked by Nagato’s people; I didn’t go time traveling with Asahina-san; and I didn’t encounter any giants that shone like a glowing piece of blue mold; lastly, I never experienced any murder mysteries with a ridiculous truth hidden inside.

  It was a normal school life.

  As the school festival approaches, Haruhi’s excitement was now reaching boiling point. The endorphins in her mind now spin as quickly as a hamster on an exercise wheel, whipped to run at near Mach speed.

  Anyway, all that was normal.

  ……So far, that is.

  Thinking carefully, I’m sure Haruhi had probably began to control herself in her own way. Thinking further, I realized we hadn’t even shot a single frame for the movie. All that the digital camera contained were video clips of Asahina-san dressed as a bunny-girl advertising for the local electronics and toy model stores. The SOS Brigade movie directed by Haruhi did not even have a framework; even the story was a mystery.

  Perhaps it was better if it remained a mystery.

  Even if we ended up showing a documentary of Asahina-san introducing the shops in the local shopping district, it would not be a problem at all. Actually, wouldn’t this sort of movie attract audiences better? Besides, it’s beneficial to the local economy of the shopping district, so that’s two birds with one stone. Ah yes, let’s make an Asahina Mikuru advertisement special! I think I’d like this better. As her cameraman, I mean what I say.

  But, knowing Haruhi better than anyone, she’s not going to be satisfied with that. She’s going to press on, doing what she said she intends to do. She’s not the sort of person to give up halfway. Such a troublesome girl who sticks to her principles!

  And so, from the second day onwards, we once again found ourselves in a strange and dire situation. I don’t know how to describe this… How did Haruhi phrase it again?