Thanks for the hard work, guys.
I know this is asking a lot, but please do something about Haruhi! Otherwise this female brigade commander is going to remain an enigma and have us forever trapped within her enormous gravitational field like a neutron star. It was still fine now, but think about what would happen in ten years time! What would happen if Haruhi still behaved as she did today? It would be very troublesome. Illegally occupying the club room, walking in strides with a scowl on her face, starting a ruckus for no reason, and being moody all the time. People would still tolerate her during her teens, but they wouldn’t be so easy on her once she gets older. She won’t be able to fit into society by then. Do Asahina-san, Nagato, and Koizumi intend to still be with her, still doing the same stuff then?
If so, allow me to leave first. I’m sorry, I have no intention of staying like this, since time doesn’t wait. You can’t just reset a life easily, and there are no save points lying around in some back alley allowing you to save your progress.
This has nothing to do with Haruhi distorting time, creating a data explosion, or destroying and creating worlds. She and I are two different people. There’s just no way I can play cat and mouse with a kid forever. Even if I wanted to, in the end I still have to go my own way. It may be in a few years, or a few decades away, but the time will eventually come, no matter what.
“How long are you going to moan for? You’re used to this already!” I turned and saw Haruhi dragging Asahina-san out from the forest.
“Show some dignity as a professional actress! Changing without hesitation is the fastest way to the Blue Ribbon Rookie Award! And it’s not like I’m asking you to strip naked. After all, one needs to keep their precious dignity intact.”
Haruhi now sounded like a foxhound who had just caught a rabbit. Haruhi dragged the bunny-girl Asahina-san out, whose high-heeled shoes doesn’t seem suitable for walking on the dirt, and revealed a smile so bright it could make a person sneeze.
“If this movie’s a success, I’ll take everyone to a hot springs trip using the box office receipts. Think of it as a reward for all the hard work! You want to go too, don’t you, Mikuru-chan?”
But…… Forget it. Before this ends, I might as well ride on her train of madness for now. The reason I hang out with you is because I too am involved in this movie plot that you have set up. If I take Koizumi’s perspective, then I have nothing to lose. Sadly, I don’t possess any unknown powers.
So, allow me to happily be your backroom staff for now.
Maybe in a few years time I would look back and laugh at this, saying, “Wow, did that really happen?”
I think.
Dressed in her bunny-girl costume, Asahina-san now looked even more embarrassed than when she was wearing the waitress costume. Haruhi, on the other hand, was beaming brightly. What are you so giddy about?
I pretended to adjust the focus of the camera and zoomed in onto Asahina-san’s breasts. I needed to confirm that thing first.
There on the left of Asahina-san’s white bosom was a small birthmark, looking carefully, it was in the shape of a star. Confirmation complete, this is indeed my Asahina-san, and not an impostor.
“What are you doing?”
Haruhi’s face suddenly appeared in front of the lens.
“Don’t shoot scenes that I don’t want. This isn’t your private video camera, you know.” Of course I know that! I didn’t even press the record button yet, I was merely looking.
“All right, everybody! Listen up! Next, we’ll be filming the daily life of Mikuru. Mikuru-chan, you’ll need to walk naturally around over there while the camera follows you behind.”
What kind of daily life involves walking around in a bunny-girl costume in this kind of park? “It doesn’t matter. In this movie this is absolutely normal. It doesn’t make sense to ask for realism in a fictional world!” That’s supposed to be my line! It’s because you’ve brought in fictional elements into this reality that things are getting messed up now! Afterwards, unaware that she could now fire killer beams, Asahina-san underwent acting lessons under Haruhi’s supervision, as she went around picking up flowers, blowing brown leaves off the palm of her hand, and running around on the grass. Slowly but surely she was falling apart with fatigue.
Then Haruhi delivered the knock-out blow,
“Hmm, it doesn’t seem right to have a bunny-girl running around in the mountains. This background just doesn’t fit at all. Let’s go back to the streets!”
Without flinching, Haruhi completely overthrew what she just said. As a result, we had to ride the bus again to return to the city.
No longer having to do any lighting work for now, Koizumi carried under his arm the reflector board, sloppily repaired with sellotape, as well as half of the equipment that I stuffed to him, while his other arm held the handrail.
I stood next to him, while standing like a shadow besides us was Nagato. Only Haruhi and Asahina-san sat on the empty seats. Haruhi snatched the camera from my hands and sat on the double seats, filming Asahina-san from her side.
Asahina-san lowered her head and softly answered Haruhi’s questions. I’m guessing the lead actress was being interviewed by the director right now.
The bus meandered down the winding hill road and towards the residential area. I secretly prayed that the driver would concentrate on driving safely instead of glancing at the rear-view mirror all the time.
Perhaps my prayers were heard, since the bus finally arrived safely at the terminal. All this time, the other passengers have been sitting at a distance, nearly all of them staring at Haruhi, Asahina-san, and Nagato. The wobbling bunny ears and the smooth white exposed shoulders were just too deadly. By now, rumors of Asahina the Bunny-Girl have probably spread to the whole town, not just in North High.
Maybe that’s exactly what Haruhi had in mind. “I heard there was a pretty bunny-girl riding a bus yesterday.” “Oh, I’ve seen them.” “What are you talking about?” “I hear there’s a club in North High called the SOS Brigade.” “The SOS Brigade?” “That’s right, the SOS Brigade.” “SOS Brigade, huh? I’ll remember that.” Was she aiming for such a development? Asahina-san isn’t the SOS Brigade’s cover girl! In a way, she’s supposed to be the tea maid and my anti-depressant. I’m sure she thinks the same as I do, definitely.
Of course, with Haruhi, she wouldn’t be able to hear the thoughts of other people. Because she is built with an amazing device that ejects any unfavorable opinion out the moment it enters her ears. If I could find out the secret to how this device works, I’m pretty sure the Selection Committee for the Nobel Prize in Physiology would nominate me in their shortlist. Anyone here want to give it a try? (The secret is to just make up some bullshit.)
Until the sun had set, Asahina-san spent the rest of the day as a bunny-girl. What did she do in that outfit, you ask? Well, not much, apart from running around in this costume. This was no different from those Hunt for Mysterious Events activities, but this time she was even more worn out as she has to put up with the stares from other people, worrying if someone might call the police. Haruhi has no concept of what a filming permit is. It was Haruhi’s freedom to shoot wherever she liked. Her freedom was as unrestrained as that of the Pope Innocent III in the third century - I think. In fact, she’s completely misinterpreted the true meaning of freedom.
“That’s it for today.”
Finally, Haruhi had the expression of having a hard day’s work done. Besides Nagato, the rest of us all breathed a sigh of relief. What a long day. I’m going to take a break Sunday.
“Then see you tomorrow. We meet at the same time and place as today.” She sure doesn’t know when to stop. I didn’t know you had the power to ask the school to compensate for our holidays.
“What are you talking about? We’re already lagging behind in our filming schedule! Now is not the time to rest idly! You can relax all you like once the school festival is over! Before that, just pretend the red numbers don’t exist on the calendar!”
We’re only on the second day of filming. Can’t you do something about the poor time planning? What do you mean by lagging behind? Does that mean all the hours worth of filming today won’t be used at all? Was Haruhi trying to make a series franchise? This is just a movie made specifically for a school festival, not a big budget production.
Yet Haruhi doesn’t look worried at all. She stuffed all the equipment on me, and wearing her armband, she gave an impeccable smile,
“Then we’ll meet tomorrow! I’ll make sure this movie is a success. No, since I’m the director, success is already guaranteed. The rest is up to you. Make sure you’re punctual! Absentees will be personally executed by me!”
After making this announcement, she left humming the tune of “Rock is Dead” by Marilyn Manson.
“I’ll inform Asahina-san about it.”
Koizumi whispered softly to my ear before leaving, Asahina-san was covered in Koizumi’s school jacket. If it were winter, I would have brought my own jacket. Sadly, the weather now was still stuck in the end of summer. I looked at the equipment piled up by my feet with a feeling of frustration.
“Inform her of what?”
“About the laser. As long as there’s no change in eye color, then no strange beams would be fired. I think that’s how Suzumiya-san’s rule works. So there won’t be a problem if she doesn’t wear any colored contact lens.”
The lighting assistant, whose job was just to hold up the reflector board, now gave me a professional smile like one of those insurance agents.
“Just to be safe, I think we should take some precautionary measures. I’m sure she will cooperate. After all, those beams are dangerous stuff.”
Koizumi then walked towards the black cloaked Nagato, standing like an anthropomorphized piece of glass.
As I returned home carrying various sized bags of equipment, my sister looked astonished at me as though she had seen a strange creature. This elementary schoolgirl, the culprit responsible for spreading that stupid “Kyon” nickname around, now jumped around yelling, “Is that a camera? Wow! Can I play with it, too?” I yelled, “Get lost, idiot!” And promptly returned to my room.
I was so exhausted already. The thoughts of becoming a voyeur cameraman had long evaporated from my head. Of course, it would be a different story if it involved Asahina-san, but I’m not that sick as to want to preserve video images of my own sister! I mean, where’s the fun in that?
After putting down all the bags on the floor, I laid down on my bed at once. I had a brief moment of peace, before my sister, under my mom’s orders to call me down for dinner, attacked me with her deadly elbow strike.
Chapter 4
The following day, we once again reluctantly waited in front of the station. This time, however, instead of the three SOS Brigade members, I found myself standing alongside some new faces. The so-called “minion characters” that Haruhi had called for.
“Hey, Kyon, this is different from what you told us,”
Taniguchi protested and said,
“Where’s the beautiful Asahina-san? We only came because you said she would come pick us up! But I don’t see her anywhere.”
Sure enough, it’s already past the appointed time and Asahina-san has yet to arrive. She’s probably hiding in her house wanting to skip class today, after going through so much during the past two days.
“I only came so that I could satiate my visual appetite, but what is this? So far all I’ve seen is Suzumiya looking pissed. This is a rip off!”
Stop complaining! Why don’t you observe Nagato as well then? “Now that you mention it, Nagato-san’s costume sure suits her.” This was Kunikida speaking casually, as he was chosen as minion number two after Taniguchi. Haruhi had called me on the phone last night while I was taking a shower. Taking the phone receiver my sister handed to me, I washed my hair as I heard her saying over the phone, “That idiot Taniguchi and that other guy…. I can’t remember his name… Anyways, they’re your friends. Bring those two over tomorrow. I want to use them as minions.” After saying that, she promptly hung up. You should at least say “Hi!” When making requests you should ask people in a polite way, not order people around! Just like how Asahina-san makes her requests.
I didn’t know what plans Taniguchi and Kunikida had for their vacation, so I called their cell phones after my shower. The two extras with a lot of free time agreed to come right away. Just what do they do on their holidays anyway?
Maybe she thought two guys weren’t enough, because Haruhi brought another extra. This extra bent forward as though she was bowing and examined Nagato, whose eyes were covered by her wide-rimmed hat. She hung her very long hair and smiled at me,
“Kyon-kun, how’s Mikuru?”
Tsuruya is this energetic girl’s name, who happens to be Asahina-san’s classmate. According to Asahina-san, she’s… “A friend I’ve met in this age”, so I guess there shouldn’t be anything queer about her. Back in June, when Haruhi wanted to enter the baseball tournament, Asahina-san brought this second year schoolgirl to help make up the numbers. Oh yeah, Taniguchi and Kunikida were there as well, and even my sister came.
She bombarded me with question after question. Just as I was about to answer her, Tsuruya-san had already walked off towards Koizumi...
Tsuruya-san generously revealed her shining white teeth and said, “So what are we doing today? She told me to come over if I had time, so I came. What’s that armband on Suzumiya-san’s arm about? What’s that handheld camera for? And what’s with Yuki’s costume?” She bombarded me with question after question. Just as I was about to answer her, Tsuruya-san had already walked off towards Koizumi, “Wow, Itsuki-kun! You look awesome as usual today!”
She sure is a busy person.
Haruhi was just as energetic, as she shouted in a deafening tone towards her cell phone early in the morning, “What!? You’re the protagonist! 30% of the success of this movie depends on you! Of course, I’m responsible for the remaining 70%, but that doesn’t matter! What’d you say? A stomachache? Stop kidding me! Only an elementary school kid would use such an excuse! I give you thirty seconds to come here at once!” It seems Asahina-san has begun to lock herself in, like a hikkikomori. When she realized she had to go through the same thing again today, it’s only natural for her to suffer a mentally induced stomachache. She is a faint-hearted person, after all.
“Really!”
Haruhi furiously hung up her phone, then revealed a menacing glare that looked like that of a butler about to scold a child who doesn’t know her table manners,
“She deserves some punishment!”
You shouldn’t be saying that. Asahina-san isn’t like you. She only wants to live her life peacefully, or at least take a break on Sunday when there’s no school. Even I too thought so.
Of course, Haruhi wasn’t going to allow the female lead to go AWOL. The director who demanded so much from the lead actress without even paying her anything said,
“I’ll go fetch her. Lend me that bag for now.”
Haruhi snatched the bag containing the clothes and rushed straight towards the taxi stand. She then knocked on the window of the taxi parked in front, had the driver open the door, and after she quickly dove into the car, the taxi drove off immediately.
Now that I think about it, I don’t even know where Asahina-san lives, though I’ve been to Nagato’s place many times…
“I can understand how Asahina-san feels.” Without my even noticing, Koizumi was standing by my side and talking to me.
Tsuruya-san now greeted the two bozos from my class non-stop and said, “Yo, long time no see!” Koizumi smiled at the sight, then said,
“I have a feeling she really will become a transforming magical girl if things continue going the way they are now. After all, she’s even fired laser beams. It’s getting ridiculous already.”
“What can be more ridiculous than this?” “You’re right. If she were told to spit fire from her mouth, it wouldn’t be too hard
to train…” Asahina-san isn’t a monster. Neither is she a circus performer, or even some evil wrestler. What’ll happen if she burns those cute lips of hers? Who’s going to be responsible for that? Don’t tell me you’re going to take responsibility.
“No, if there were something that I have to be responsible for, it would be standing by idly until the ‘Avatars’ begin to wreak havoc. Fortunately, things still haven’t deteriorated to such a level… That has only happened once, I believe. I’m really grateful of you back then. Thanks to you, the disaster was averted and contained.”
About half a year ago, the world was nearly destroyed thanks to Haruhi. It was thanks to my hard work and mental exhaustion that mankind was able to survive. I felt it wouldn’t be too much if all the heads of state around the world were to give me a thank you letter. So far I have yet to be visited by any foreign diplomatic envoy. Sigh, on the other hand, even if they had come they would have only increased my woes, so I didn’t expect them to come. The only reward I received was being embraced by a teary-eyed Asahina-san, yet when I think about it, that’s more than enough for me. So I didn’t feel any gladness at being thanked by Koizumi.
“As for that Mikuru Be…”
Stop calling her by her first name; it pisses me off.
“I’m sorry. Right now we should be able to prevent Asahina-san from firing anymore strange beams.” How did you do it? Should you be this optimistic just because Haruhi didn’t bring any colored contact lens this time? “No, we’ve eliminated that factor already. I asked Nagato-san to help out a bit.” I turned my gaze towards the girl who was standing still and staring at the shops in front of the station, and then looked back at Koizumi again, “What did you do to Asahina-san?”
“Don’t be so nervous, we merely removed her ability to fire lasers. I’m not too sure how, as unlike the other TFEI interfaces, Nagato-san wouldn’t say anything. I only asked her to reduce the threat posed by Asahina-san to zero.”
Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi Page 10
