When the nurse remained quiet and could offer no hope, Julia was forced to face the future head on. ‘How long do we have?’
‘The ventilator will keep Paul’s body functioning for some time yet, but eventually his organs will fail and he’ll pass away,’ Anya told her in a low voice. ‘We think it would be better, as much for you as for him, to switch off the machines before that happens.’
‘No, no, no!’ wailed Julia. She had continued to stare at Paul lying so still and imagined him listening to them.
‘Julia,’ Anya said with enough force to drag Julia’s gaze towards her. ‘Remember what I said about being strong? Now is that time.’
‘But I don’t have to decide now! You’re jumping too far ahead.’
‘I know,’ Anya said, ‘and you’re right, you don’t have to decide yet, but I wanted to give you time to think about something else.’
‘What else?’
‘Organ donation.’
Julia’s face twisted with pain. ‘No. Even if … even if Paul wasn’t coming back, even if …’ she said as she tried and failed to get her thoughts in order. How was this conversation even possible when their lives had been so normal yesterday? She took a deep breath and straightened up. ‘We talked about it and he said he didn’t want to donate his organs. He said it creeped him out.’
‘But Paul is on the register.’
‘I’m sorry, but your records are wrong. Helen tried to persuade him to register online a few months ago. We all did, but he said no.’
‘He might have said no at the time—’
‘He would have told me if he’d changed his mind. We told each other everything,’ Julia said before snapping her mouth shut. That was blatantly untrue. Of course they kept secrets from each other, recent events proved that, and Paul wasn’t the only guilty party. Hadn’t she kept secrets right from the start of their relationship?
When Julia had first spied Paul at the gym she had recognized him immediately as Phoebe’s stalker and had been understandably suspicious of him. Only when she had succumbed to his charms did she tell him that she knew who he was and, responding to her honesty, Paul had been open about the extent of his liaison with Phoebe. At that point Julia should have told him how she had instigated the break-up of his relationship with Phoebe, but she hadn’t. Things had been getting serious between them and once Phoebe had given her blessing, Julia concluded that there was no point raking up the past. She should have told him. They should have all talked about it instead of letting the lies fester.
‘It’s too late now,’ she said. ‘We can’t talk about anything any more.’
‘Are you saying you don’t want to consider organ donation?’
‘I threatened once that I’d donate his organs, with or without his consent,’ she told Anya. ‘But it’s one thing to say you’ll do it and another to sit here and agree to him being carved up. Listen – listen to him breathing.’
‘It’s a machine,’ Anya said.
‘It’s my husband!’
Anya nodded. ‘I know, and I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I didn’t mean to sound so harsh and no one will pressurize you. It’s your decision and I genuinely don’t know what I would do in your position. I really am sorry.’
Julia gave Anya an apologetic look. ‘It’s all right. And to be honest, if my friend Helen were here she’d be giving me such a hard time right now. I do want to do the right thing; it’s just so hard when I’m not sure of Paul’s wishes. I may have come across as the wife from hell, but Paul is – was my life, my leading man. Although not perfect by any means.’
‘I think I have one of those at home,’ Anya said and rested a hand across her bare neck.
Julia stared at her for a moment and a random thought took her by surprise. ‘I didn’t imagine the necklace you were wearing before, did I? It was one I made, part of a collection for a client who had been happily married for fifty years. I envied him for being that secure. God, I still do.’
Smiling sadly, Anya said, ‘That would be my dad. The necklace was a Christmas present. He seems to be under the impression that my marriage is from the same mould as his. But it isn’t.’
‘Are you still together?’
‘Only just,’ Anya said gently. ‘But I still love him and I’m starting to think I should give it another try. We should make the most of what we have.’
‘What do I have?’ Julia said, turning her attention back to the lifeless body of her husband.
‘You have the amazing gift your husband left you. A miracle baby, by all accounts,’ Anya reminded her.
‘He might have fallen from grace but he’s still my hero,’ Julia agreed, drawing her thoughts back to the difficult decision she was still wrestling with. ‘And he could be for other families too.’
‘I can arrange for someone from the transplant team to come and talk to you if you’d like. Will you think about it?’
‘OK,’ Julia said, her jaw set firm until her lower lip began to tremble. ‘But just not yet.’
She turned from Anya and began pushing her wheelchair closer to her husband’s bedside. Reaching out, she was surprised how warm and supple Paul’s arm felt. There was no coolness of death, not even a suggestion. The doctors were wrong. Looking past the tubes and monitors, she searched for the slightest flicker behind Paul’s closed lids that might give her hope. ‘Do you think he can still hear me?’ she asked.
‘Maybe.’
After everything they had just discussed, they both knew this wasn’t true, but Julia appreciated the lie. ‘I need to tell him something,’ she said.
‘Would you like some privacy?’
When Julia nodded, Anya squeezed her shoulder and left without a word.
Forcing air past her constricted throat, Julia took a deep breath and held it. Only when her lungs burned did she force herself to speak.
‘I know what happened, Paul. All of it,’ she began. ‘And I can’t begin to imagine what was going through your mind when Phoebe told you about the baby. I can’t get my head around it myself and while I don’t understand how you could both do what you did, I forgive you, I have to.’
She took another shuddering breath, readying herself for Paul’s reaction to the confession she was about to make as if he were actively participating in the conversation.
‘You see, it was because of me that you weren’t there for Phoebe when she found out she was pregnant. I was the one who persuaded Helen to feed you the lies. I thought I was protecting Phoebe.’ She gave a short laugh that was more of a sob. ‘What a mess I made of that!’
Julia had to take another deep breath before she could continue. She wasn’t as strong as everyone thought and would have to take this slowly. ‘But at least I can say I didn’t know what damage I was causing at the time. You, on the other hand, knew exactly what you were doing this time around, and I hate you – I hate you both for what you did. Honestly, Paul, while I can say I could forgive you, I don’t know if that would have been enough to save our marriage, but I’d like to think it was,’ she said, and then added quickly, ‘Actually, that’s a lie. I’d rather not think about it at all, not any more.’
Stroking his arm absent-mindedly, she said, ‘Do you remember the day we got married? Do you remember how we stayed up talking until the morning? OK, maybe not talking all the time …’ She took a few gasps of air to hold back the sob. ‘We were like two excited children, planning out the rest of our lives together. We’d have a bit more time as a couple and then we’d start knocking out kids. We should have had at least two by now, and maybe we wouldn’t have stopped there. It was meant to be … and then, when it didn’t happen, I think we were both scared, scared that if we didn’t have it all then we would have nothing. We were so wrong, Paul.’ She squeezed his hand, wishing beyond everything to feel an answering pressure.
‘We were so wrong because we already had everything we needed – we had each other. I need you to believe that before I tell you my news. I need you to know that you, Paul Richardso
n, are everything to me. You always were and you always will be.’
Ignoring the pain her movements caused, Julia leaned over to trail a finger across Paul’s face. She expected to see a twitch at any moment before his cheeks pinched into a smile. He remained stubbornly unmoved but she was saving the best for last.
‘You were so upset when you found out that the physical problem was with you, and maybe you did what you did because you wanted to push me away. Maybe it was your way of setting me free to find someone who could give me babies – I’ll never know. But here’s the thing, Paul, I didn’t need anyone else.’
She left a pause, imagining that she had piqued his curiosity and he was about to peel back an eyelid. She thought she heard him say, ‘Go on, then, tell me what’s got you all excited?’
When Julia smiled, her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. ‘We did it,’ she whispered, her voice breaking at the last. She swallowed hard and forced herself to speak loudly and clearly. She needed him to hear this. ‘We made a baby, Paul. I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a dad.’
Pressing her palm against his cheek, her hand trembled. They had created a new life, proving that together anything was possible. ‘Did you hear me, Paul? We’re going to have a baby. So now you have to wake up. You have to.’
This was where Paul’s eyes were supposed to open wide with shock. He was meant to jump out of bed and sweep her up into his arms, holding her so close she wouldn’t be able to see the look of pure elation on his face but she would feel his body shaking.
He didn’t move.
With a strangled cry, she shouted, ‘Please, Paul! Please don’t do this! I love you! Don’t leave me!’
There was a click as the door behind her opened and Julia’s head snapped towards the sound. She took a deep, mournful breath and just before she gave in to the sobs that would rack her body, she said, ‘I can’t do this, not on my own.’
‘You’re not on your own,’ Phoebe said.
36
Helen had finally made it to see Take That. She was standing in a vast auditorium where the only light came from the stage but it was so far away that she couldn’t see the band or even hear them properly. Desperate to get closer, she began climbing over people – and in the next moment she was crowd-surfing towards the stage where Robbie Williams was waiting for her. He reached out his hand and she was about to take it when the music stopped and the stage plunged into darkness. Helen spun around as she tried to get her bearings, only coming to a stop when a noise caught her attention and fear trickled down her spine. She could hear someone sobbing. The moment she recognized who it was, she began pushing back through the crowd, but there were too many people. She didn’t know which way to go, but she would use up the last of her strength to get back to her daughter.
‘Shush,’ a voice said close to her ear. ‘You don’t need to panic, Helen. You’re safe. We’re here.’
The sobbing faltered then stopped.
‘Mum? Mum, are you awake?’
Helen opened her eyes but couldn’t make sense of the bright light and the moving shapes although she was fairly certain that none were Robbie Williams. ‘Who switched off … the music?’ she managed to ask. Her throat hurt, her lips were dry and she was struggling to make the connection between her brain and her mouth. ‘Where … am I?’
‘You’re in hospital. There was an accident and you were badly hurt but you’re going to be just fine,’ the first soothing voice said, and Helen finally recognized Julia’s calm tones.
As her eyes adjusted to the light, Milly’s worried face came into view. ‘You’re going to get better now, Mum.’
‘Yes,’ Helen said and tried her best to put her arms around her daughter who was leaning in for a hug. ‘Oh, Milly, sweetheart.’
Milly squeezed her fiercely and released another sob. ‘I love you, Mum, and I’m never going to leave you again.’
‘Except maybe now,’ a man said.
It was John’s voice, and although Helen couldn’t see him he seemed some distance away, standing at the door perhaps, out of the way. ‘Your mum might have been asleep for a while but she still needs her rest,’ he added.
‘If you do go back to sleep, you won’t not wake up again, will you? Promise?’ her daughter pleaded.
‘Promise,’ Helen said.
‘Come on, Milly,’ John said softly. ‘We need to go and tell your nan and grandad. They’ll still be in the cafeteria with Julia’s mum.’
‘But Mum doesn’t know about … I should stay.’
‘It’s all right, Milly,’ Julia said. ‘I think your dad’s right. Don’t worry, I’ll tell her.’
As Milly moved away reluctantly, Helen turned her head to face Julia.
‘Tell me what? Oh my God, what happened to you?’ Helen asked when she realized Julia was in a wheelchair.
‘Nothing that won’t mend.’
‘The baby?’ Helen said and willed her mouth to keep up with what she needed to ask. ‘Are you all right?’
‘So far so good. Do you remember what happened? Do you need me to explain?’
The events leading upto the accident flashed before her eyes and Helen swallowed a sick feeling back down. Only now did she notice Phoebe who was standing behind Julia’s wheelchair, hiding in the shadows as if she wasn’t sure she should be there at all.
‘No, it’s all right,’ Helen said and then frowned as she took in the expression on her friends’ faces. Julia’s eyes were hollow and sunken and her nose looked red and sore. The shadows lurking around Phoebe accentuated the haunted look on her face too. ‘Where’s Paul?’
There was a pause that might have been deliberate or it could have been because Julia’s lips were quivering too much to speak.
‘He’s gone,’ Phoebe said.
‘He can’t! You have to stay together,’ Helen said to Julia.
Julia was shaking when she said, ‘No, Helen. Paul died.’
‘What? But—’ Helen made a move to sit up but Julia laid a hand her shoulder.
‘Don’t you move. You’re not out of the woods yet and you need to take care of yourself.’
‘But I want to take care of you.’
‘Phoebe’s helping me.’
Still squinting, Helen attempted a glare at Phoebe.
‘Don’t,’ Julia said. ‘I don’t know yet how I’m going to come to terms with what happened, but I’ve taken a leap of faith. I’m still angry but I’ve forgiven her. I’ve forgiven them both, Helen, and I expect you to do the same. We need each other. I need you – both of you.’
Much of what Julia had said simply washed over Helen. She would try to make sense of it later. Only one thought remained. Paul was dead.
Helen wanted to cry but she was too weak. She wanted to scream but her throat wasn’t up to the job. She wanted to punch someone but Phoebe wasn’t within reach. There was nothing she could do but accept what she was being told and help her friend as best she could.
‘He died a hero,’ Julia told her. ‘Did you know he’d registered as an organ donor?’
Despite herself, Helen smiled. ‘Yes. We had a few private chats and I wore him down,’ she whispered.
‘He should have told me,’ Julia said. ‘I should have been more prepared to make that kind of decision.’
‘But you did?’
Again her lip trembled when Julia said, ‘Yes.’
Helen scrutinized her friend’s face. ‘Julia,’ she said softly. ‘Will you stop pretending to be so strong?’
When Julia leaned over and rested her head on the pillow, Helen began stroking her hair. Tentatively, Phoebe took a step nearer and, with her free arm, Helen didn’t hesitate when she invited her into the group hug.
As the women clung to each other, they didn’t notice Anya watching from the doorway with tears in her eyes and a trembling smile on her lips. The nurse imagined it was going to be near impossible to separate the three friends again.
37
As Lucy’s senses were raised into consciousne
ss, the first thing she became aware of was the noise around her. There was chatter and occasional bursts of laughter from people who were in the room but not close by. The voices weren’t familiar and the acoustics suggested a room too large to be her bedroom. She couldn’t remember where she was and as her eyes fluttered open, a face loomed over her.
‘Hello, Lucy, can you hear me?’
Lucy couldn’t answer because she was intubated, but she managed to blink a couple of times.
‘You’re in hospital and you’ve had an operation. Do you remember?’
Along with her returning senses came the power of recollection although everything was jumbled up. Yes, she remembered arriving at the hospital, she remembered sitting with the transplant team while she tried not to build up her hopes. She had been expecting there to be a last-minute hiccup and hadn’t dared to imagine waking up and – and what? Unable to speak, the nurse second-guessed what she needed to know.
‘The transplant went really well, Lucy, and you’re doing fine.’
With a body still emerging from general anaesthetic and veins pumped full of painkillers, Lucy struggled to work out how she felt. Her ribcage had been cracked open and although she was aware of that pain, she couldn’t feel it. What she was aware of was the strong, powerful beat of her heart, except it wasn’t hers, not the one she was used to. Her thoughts turned to her donor. She knew he had been a man in his thirties but no more than that, and so, while the medical team continued to fuss around her, Lucy allowed herself to wonder about his life and the feelings he had carried in the organ beating steadily in her chest.
It was such an intimate part of another human being that she was sure she would be able to detect the residual emotions of its previous owner. Had this heart raced more often with passion or with fear? Had it ever been broken?
The Goodbye Gift Page 33
