by Andria Large
Oh fuck me! Christian was in the bathroom having a panic attack and throwing up.
“Christian...” Shea pleaded. He hated that he was upset and suffering.
“Please Shea...just let me...be alone...” Christian said between coughing and gagging.
“Dammit, Chris. I can’t just leave you when you’re like this. You have to know that I do love you, and I am falling for you. I just don’t want to say something that means so much to you unless I’m absolutely certain that it is how I feel. But you have to know how much I care about you, Christian, otherwise we wouldn’t be together, and we most definitely would not have just had sex.”
“I know you care about me, Shea. I just feel like a complete idiot for blurting that out like I did. I set myself up to be let down. I know you’re not in love with me, and I shouldn’t have put you in that position,” Christian said, his voice muffled by the door between them.
“Can you please open the door? I hate not seeing your face while we’re talking about something like this,” Shea murmured.
“I’m going to hop in the shower. I’ll be down in a minute, okay?” was Christian’s reply.
Shea blew out a frustrated breath and raked a hand down his face. “Alright,” he answered, giving Christian his obviously needed space.
~Chapter 5~
Christian didn’t talk much more to Shea before he left for work, not all that much he could say. He loved Shea, he blurted it out after phenomenal sex, and Shea wasn’t able to say it back. Now Christian was nursing his shattered heart. He felt bad for Shea because the guy didn’t know what to do or how to fix it. He couldn’t, though. Nothing was going to fix what had happened, all they could do was move on, and all Christian could do was pray that he never did it again.
He got home that night around 7:00 pm because he got caught talking to one of his students who never shut the hell up. Christian really hadn’t been in the mood to chat, but he didn’t want to be rude either. When he finally walked in the front door, the house was quiet and dark. Christian frowned. This was the first time in over a month that Shea was not there when he got home.
Christian walked into the living room and flipped on the lamp. After turning on a few more lights, he moved into the kitchen to get something to eat. He was absolutely starving. He really wasn’t in the mood to cook anything, so he just popped the leftovers from last night into the microwave.
Christian had just finished washing dishes when he heard the front door open. He dried his hands and went to make sure that it was Shea. When he walked into the living room, Shea was setting a suitcase by the stairs, the front door still open.
“Hey, wanna help me grab some of my stuff out of my truck?” asked Shea, eyebrow raised in question.
Christian blinked stupidly at him. “Huh?”
Shea frowned. “I went by my house to grab some of my stuff. I’m moving in remember?”
Christian shook his head to clear it. Shit, he forgot all about that. “Oh, yeah, right...sorry, I’m still kinda out of it,” he muttered and started for the door.
Shea looped an arm around his waist, preventing him from walking out the door. “Tell me we’re okay, Chris,” he rasped, his brown eyes hopeful but uncertain.
Christian nodded. “We’re okay,” he said quietly.
“Promise?”
“I promise,” Christian replied sincerely and gave Shea a kiss.
Christian then helped Shea bring in some bags and boxes full of his stuff. Shea also told Christian his plan for his house; he was going to sell it and some of the furniture, pay off some bills, and then put the rest into savings, which will work out well since he won’t be working for a couple more months. What savings he did have was slowly dwindling due to him being out of commission, so selling the house will give him a chance to replenish his savings. As soon as the house sold, he will contribute to Christian’s mortgage and utilities, along with putting money toward the grocery bill. For the first time in years, Christian actually felt his hopes rising - this just might work out.
“Did you dickheads know that Christian could sing?” Sebastian asked as he sat on Henry’s back patio with him and Quinn, drinking beer and relaxing.
“What do you mean he can sing?” asks Henry, cocking one eyebrow.
“I mean that he’s got a set of pipes and should be performing on stage,” Sebastian said seriously.
“No shit?” Quinn asked before sipping his beer.
Henry had called him a few nights ago asking Sebastian and him to come over so they could talk about Christian behind his back. Quinn wasn’t really fond of the idea, but Henry said he had something serious to talk about. So there they were, sitting in Henry’s back yard, drinking and talking about their little brother.
“I’m telling ya, he’s incredible. I kinda snuck up on him and he didn’t know I was there the first time, and then I got him to sing for me again...” Sebastian trailed off, shaking his head.
“Why didn’t he ever tell us?” Henry frowned.
“Because he thought we would make him perform in front of people.” Sebastian smirked.
Quinn chuckled, Christian was probably right. The three of them made him do all sorts of shit when they were younger. Quinn could understand why Christian didn’t tell them. With his anxiety issues, there was no way he could get up on a stage and sing in front of a large group.
Henry nodded. “Most likely.” He grinned.
“What did you want to talk about, Henry?” Quinn asked, curious as to what it was that he had called them over.
Henry sighed. “Alright, I guess it was a couple of weeks ago when I went to Christian’s gallery to pick out a painting for Claire. While I was there, I noticed a picture that Christian painted. It was a painting of a nude man in bed, tangled in the sheets. The face was turned away, but I’m certain it was Shea.”
Quinn’s eyebrows lifted. That was interesting.
“So what are you saying?” Sebastian asked slowly, his eyes narrowing.
Henry grimaced. “I don’t know. It just seemed odd to me. Have either of you ever thought that Christian might be gay?”
Sebastian started sputtering and choking on his beer. “Wha...what? Why would you think that?”
Henry shrugged. “There have just been some things lately that point in that direction… like the painting. And remember at your wedding when he was fixing Shea’s tie? There was something very intimate about it.”
“You think that Christian and Shea are together?” Quinn asked curiously.
“I don’t know what to think.” Henry huffed. “I want to say yes, but I can’t see Shea being gay. I’ve seen him with women before.”
“Maybe he’s bi,” Quinn pointed out. “Those two are always together.”
“Wait, hold on, don’t you think he would have told us if he was gay?” Sebastian asked.
“Like how he told us he can sing?” Quinn replied dryly.
“Point taken,” Sebastian muttered.
“Think about it. He’s never brought a girl around, and I mean never,” Henry said.
They all sat there in silence thinking about their younger brother. Quinn could see it - Christian being gay, that is. Like Henry said, he has never brought a woman around the family, never even talked about liking a woman even. Now that Quinn thought back on it, he guessed there were clues throughout the years that could lead to Christian being gay. Quinn did catch him one time jerking off to gay porn, but he was nineteen, and Quinn just chalked it up to being young and curious.
“Shea is moving in with him,” Quinn murmured.
Both Henry and Sebastian’s heads whipped around to look at him. “What? How do you know that?” Sebastian asked.
“I talked to Christian yesterday; he called to see if Margot and I were interested in buying Shea’s house. When I asked why Shea was moving in with him and selling his house, he said it was because Shea was already having trouble affording the place. And now that he was out of work, it was nearly impossible, so he was go
ing to move in with Christian and sell his house.”
Henry scoffed. “That sounds like a load of shit to me.”
“I agree.” Quinn nodded.
“Would it bother either of you if Christian did turn out to be gay?” Sebastian asked quietly.
Henry rolled his eyes. “Of course not. What the hell do I care who he fucks? I just want him to be happy. What does piss me off is that, if he is, he doesn’t trust us enough to tell us.”
Quinn sighed. “I can’t be mad at him for that; I mean, look how long it took me to tell you guys about what happened to me? If Johnny had never shown up, you still might not have known.”
Sebastian grunted. “Fucking bastard, I still want to seriously hurt that guy.”
“Me, too,” Henry chimed in.
“Would you care, Sebastian?” Quinn asked, curious about his answer since he was the one who brought it up.
“No, I agree with Henry. I just want him to be happy, and if that’s with a dude, then so be it. Now, that being said, I hope like hell that if he is, he doesn’t make out with whomever he’s with in front of me.” Sebastian shivered. “That’s kinda...too much for me.”
Quinn and Henry chuckled.
“You mean you wouldn’t want to see Christian and Shea sticking their tongues down each other’s throats?” Henry teased.
Sebastian made a gagging noise. “No, stop it! And there is no way in hell that Shea is gay. I have seen him with women many, many times,” he said adamantly.
“Like I said, maybe he is bi,” said Quinn then sipped his beer.
Sebastian shook his head. “I can’t see it. Shea is too...I don’t know...manly, maybe?”
“Are you saying that Christian is feminine?” Henry laughed.
“No!” Sebastian exclaimed. “Not feminine, but not as butch as the rest of us.”
Quinn shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”
Sebastian shot him a dirty look, making Quinn laugh. If Christian really was gay and hiding it from them, Quinn felt bad for him. It could be the reason his anxiety was so bad. If he was constantly hiding who he really was, no wonder he was so stressed out all of the time. It was rare that Quinn would see Christian without a worried look on his face. Could that be what he was so worried about all of the time? His brothers finding out that he’s gay?
“Okay, say that Christian is gay, should we ask him about it, or continue to wait for him to tell us?” Sebastian asked.
“No, we can’t ask him about it. If he is, and he hasn’t told us, it’s for a reason. I say we just wait it out and let him tell us when he’s ready,” Quinn said.
“Can we fuck with him at least?” Sebastian asked with an evil grin.
“Fuck with him how?” Henry asked, his own evil smirk growing.
“Ya know, just make comments here and there and see how he reacts. It might give us a better idea if he’s actually gay or not.”
“Oh, god. You’re going to make him have a nervous breakdown.” Quinn groaned.
Henry and Sebastian laughed. Poor Christian, he was so in for it.
Shea and Christian were at Shea’s house to finish packing up all of Shea’s shit. Shea was packing up some of his things in the living room while Christian worked in his kitchen. He had just stood up and rolled his right shoulder because it was aching a bit when the doorbell rang. Shea frowned. Who the hell could that be? Christian came into the living room just as Shea started for the door.
When he opened it, he wished that he hadn’t. Standing on the step was Tara, the girl he had been seeing before starting his relationship with Christian. She immediately jumped him, her arms went around his neck and her mouth covered his. Shea was so shocked at first that he did nothing. Then he heard Christian’s “What the fuck?” from behind him, making him spring into action. He grabbed Tara’s hips and pushed her back, forcing her to let him go. Tara was a cute girl; she had short dark hair, glasses, and a bangin’ body that always turned him on.
“Baby, where have you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for over a month now,” Tara whined, running her hands over Shea’s chest.
Dread pitted in Shea’s stomach. He snuck a glance back at Christian. Oh, holy fucking shitballs, he was fucking livid. His nostrils flared, his jaw was bulging, and his hands were curled into fists at his sides. Jesus, Shea was in a boatload of shit right now.
“I…uh…well, Tara…” Shea stuttered, not exactly sure how to tell her what was going on.
Shea looked down at her, she looked really good in a tank top and yoga pants. Were her boobs bigger? Shea shook that thought away, didn’t matter, he was with Christian now and he wouldn’t be sleeping with her ever again.
“I missed you, Shea. Why haven’t you called me?” Tara asked, still running her hands over his chest and now his shoulders.
Shea grabbed her hands and removed them from his body. “Listen, Tara. I haven’t called for a reason. I’m with someone else and we’re exclusive.”
Tara laughed. “Funny, Shea. There is no way you stopped calling me to be with some other bitch. I gave you everything you needed; you told me you were completely satisfied.”
“This relationship isn’t just about sex, Tara, there are other things involved,” Shea tried to explain.
“Like what?” Tara demanded, shoving her hands on her hips.
“Dammit, I don’t have to explain myself to you. We weren’t a couple, you were someone I called for a good fuck, but that was it. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” Shea sighed.
Tara flinched as if slapped. “How dare you!” Tara said, infuriated. “You were more than just a good fuck to me! I thought we were heading toward starting a real relationship, but you stopped calling me. I thought something happened to you! God, my friends were right about you, you’re nothing but an asshole!” Tara yelled, giving him a shove. “Who is she? Huh?”
“That’s none of your business,” Shea said evenly.
“No, Shea, go ahead and tell her.” Christian snarled from where he stood in the living room behind him.
Shea closed his eyes and cursed himself, knowing he was in serious trouble. He opened his eyes and looked at Tara who was frowning at Christian. “Tara, this is my boyfriend, Christian.”
Tara’s mouth dropped open and her eyes almost bugged out of her head. “Excuse me? Did you just say boyfriend?” she asked, dumbfounded.
“Yes, Christian is my boyfriend.”
“Wha…how? I thought you were straight!” Tara exclaimed.
“I was…I mean…I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” Shea struggled, not knowing what to say. Because honestly, he was starting to think he had been gay, or at least bi, for a long time, and never had the balls to acknowledge it.
“This is unbelievable! Do you know how many guys have asked me out that I turned down because I thought we were going to be together? And now you’re telling me you’re a fucking faggot!”
The air in Shea’s lungs exploded out of him as if he had just been punched in the gut. She just called him a ‘faggot.’ The hurt was immediate and sharp. Never in all of his life had one word cut him so deeply. He swung around to look at Christian, who was standing there, arms crossed over his chest, face passive. Shea had no idea how many times Christian had been called something like that, but he almost looked as if it was nothing new to him, and that broke his heart. Shea turned back to Tara.
“I can’t believe you just called me that.” Shea breathed.
“Well you better get used to it because you’ll be getting called that a lot once you start telling people,” Tara snapped.
“How about you just leave now?” Shea snarled and opened the door for her.
“My pleasure.” She snorted and stomped out of the house.
Shea shut the door and leaned his forehead against it. He couldn’t believe how much being called a ‘faggot’ bothered him. He never thought of it as that hurtful of a word before because it never applied to him, but now…it hurt like a bitch. He could understa
nd a little better why Christian was so secretive about his sexuality. No one wanted to be called horrible names, especially to their faces.
Shea sighed, dreading what was coming next. He straightened up and turned to face Christian. He looked absolutely livid, not that Shea could blame him. He should have told Tara over a month ago when he first started dating Christian, but he bitched out and decided to just stop calling her in hopes that she would get the hint.
“Chris…” Shea started, but Christian cut him off.
“Why didn’t you tell her? Were you keeping her around as backup for when you decide that you actually are straight?” Christian snapped.
“What? No!”
“Whatever, I knew that you were only with me so that you wouldn’t lose me as a friend. I’m not surprised. I knew that there was no way you would actually want to be with me,” Christian muttered and waved a dismissive hand as he walked back into the kitchen.
Shea stormed after him. “Now wait one fucking minute. That is not true!”
“Stop fucking lying to me!” Christian shouted as he spun around to glare at Shea. “You’re not gay! You never will be! So just stop…stop pretending that you are enjoying this relationship!”
“Pretending?” Shea choked. “Christian! You know me better than that! How could you think for one second that I’ve been pretending? You mean everything to me and there has not been one moment of being with you that I have pretended anything!”
Christian shook his head. “I’m not doing this with you anymore; it’s just not possible for you to love me the way that I love you.”
Christian tried to push past Shea to leave, but Shea grabbed him.
“You are not leaving. We’re not done talking about this,” Shea growled as Christian struggled to get away.
“Just because you are able to fuck me, doesn’t make you gay. Plenty of straight men can fuck another dude just to get off,” Christian hissed.
“Christian, this isn’t about that, this is about us being together…stop fighting me!”
“Let me go, then! My heart is already shattering and I don’t want to stay here with you!” Christian choked and tore himself out of Shea’s grasp.
