by Nancy DeRosa
Reins said curtly, “Alyssa could be your ruination Penny. Don’t let her rub off on you.”
“Oh, of course not. No rubbing off here.”
As Nurse Reins brushed past her through the bustling corridor, beneath that cold expression Penny could swear that her eyes were twinkling. She decided to trust her gut feeling. She was beginning to like this strange woman, even though she made her a nervous wreck.
Chapter 27
The buzzing energy in McConnell’s Crossing hit her like a swamp-soaked alligator’s tail. She and Alyssa, arm-in-arm, were grinning hugely as they marched in, and the dragging tiredness of a full day’s work disappeared, instantly forgotten. The bar area was jam-packed, and most of the tables were already taken.
“This place is really popping,” Penny said in amazement. “And it’s only six o’clock.”
Alyssa nodded energetically. “It’s like this every night during the week. The buffalo wings and burgers are great here.”
Checking out the scene once again, Penny realized the people in McConnell’s were on the young side, and the men by the bar did not hide the fact that they were on the prowl. They checked out every woman that walked by. A shrill laugh startled her and mingled with the deafening music; she felt a headache coming on. She wasn’t used to this type of scene and she didn’t feel comfortable. She wanted to bolt out of there, pronto.
“Come on, let’s get a drink,” Alyssa said, tugging her arm.
Penny tried to stand by the bar alongside her friend, without success. She was jostled away just as Alyssa bolted for the other side of the bar.
“What do you want?” Alyssa yelled out as she held up her hand to get the bartender’s attention.
She yelled back, “A screwdriver.”
Trying to maintain her composure, she looked around coolly. There was a guy staring at her. She stared back, until she noticed that his eyes were fixated on her breasts. Pig, she thought as she crossed her arms. How much more obvious can a man get? She would have thought she would have liked to have that type of attention. She wanted to have a man desire her and admire her. But first he has to look into my eyes and get to know me before he can look elsewhere, she decided.
“Here you go,” Alyssa said, planting a highball glass in Penny’s hand.
Two guys sidled up. The tall darkhaired man said, “Howdy.”
Looking up at him, Alyssa cooed, “Howdy back. Where’s your cowboy hat?” She began to laugh loudly. The two men looked at each other, shrugged, and walked away. “I know how to get rid of them quick don’t I?” she said, looking quite pleased.
Two other nurses were making their way toward them. Mike and Josephine: she wasn’t too well acquainted with them, but they always said hi when they passed her in the hospital corridors.
Alyssa screamed upon seeing her two friends, waving in excitement, “Guys, guys, over here!”
Everything was large on Josephine. Her voice was large, her hair was huge, and her hands were as big as any man’s. Her red nail extensions had diamond studs. All Penny seemed to see when Josephine approached were monstrous hands with long talons attached. She could never figure out how Josephine got away with wearing those things in the hospital. She was once tempted to ask Alyssa if she thought the patients felt terror when Josephine’s claws were placed on them. She knew she would have been scared to death.
“First time I’ve ever seen you here,” Josephine said in her big raspy voice. “What’s your name?”
“I told you Joe, her name is Penny and she’s my new friend,” Alyssa replied, welcoming her two friends with a hug.
“But does she know how to party? Who’s up for a shot of vodka, girls?”
Penny knew she would go along with the crowd. Though she hated to admit it, she was desperate to be accepted by the nurses on her floor.
“Excuse me Joe,” Mike cut in, “but do try to remember, I’m a guy.”
Penny smiled slightly; she’d heard Mike was gay and had just gone through a messy break-up with Rob from the x-ray department. She had also heard he was a blast to be with and very funny. Everyone at the hospital appeared to love him.
Smirking, Josephine replied, “Yeah, whatever, but you’re as close to a girl as one could get. I’m buying, vodka everyone?”
“Yes,” Alyssa shouted out as she held up her bottle of beer. “I’ll use the rest of my beer as a chaser.”
Watching Josephine head toward the bar, Penny had to smile. The crowd had parted quickly when she passed. No-one would mess with Josephine.
“Let’s dance,” Mike commanded, pulling Penny toward him.
“Oh, no, really, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Mike was unusually strong for a slightly built man. He whisked her onto the small wooden dance floor as if she were a piece of tissue paper.
The DJ tricked out the atmosphere with a slow number, and Mike pulled her close. Too close for her liking. Pressing his hips against hers, he began to slowly grind as they swayed back and forth.
She could feel the effects of her drink, as she’d barely eaten all day. She pulled away from him. “What are you doing?”
“I’m dancing with you,” Mike replied.
The vodka must have begun the work of loosening her tongue; she exclaimed, “But you dance as if, well, like… you’re not…”
He put his lips close to her ear and whispered, “I’m pretty flexible. I can go both ways.” She could feel the warm wetness of his breath on her earlobe.
Josephine’s booming voice rang out, “Mike, what the hell are you doing? Stop messing around with that girl and come get your drink.”
Breaking away, Mike laughed and gave her a playful punch. “I got you going didn’t I?”
She attempted to laugh back as she plucked the shot glass from Josephine’s hand. With rising panic she thought she could not in any way, shape or form down the drink in one gulp, even if her life depended on it.
“Bombs away!” Alyssa quickly downed her shot. Mike and Josephine followed suit. They all turned to stare at Penny.
She said weakly, “Salute.” Putting her head back, she placed the drink to her lips and drank it. She tried to quell her gasping, but she coughed and sputtered anyway. Liquid fire had just gone down her throat.
“Good girl,” Alyssa said, patting her back. “Are we ready for another one?”
“Are you kidding me?” She already felt dizzy and lightheaded. She was on her way to being drunk, if she wasn’t already.
Someone bumped her, and she stumbled. Josephine steadied her arm. “You okay? Hey watch it lady.”
Turning around, Penny’s mouth formed into an o: she was face-to-face with Lizzie Briar, the most popular girl in her high school. Penny had thought she was the most beautiful, smartest, and coolest kid in her grade. She would have given anything to have been friends with her, and her handsome jock of a boyfriend Christopher. They were the perfect match, had gone to the same college together and had gotten married the moment they graduated. Lizzie and Christopher made her believe that dreams do come true, and hers was just a little late in coming.
“Lizzie is that you?” she asked in a high-pitched voice.
Lizzie blinked, a blank look on her face. Penny realized that she had no recollection of her at all. Wow, she thought, I was in her English classes all throughout high school for God’s sake, was I that invisible?
“It’s me,” Penny began in a shrinking voice, “You know, Penny Marins? We went to high school together.”
Lizzie peered at her with squinting eyes, then exclaimed, “Yes, oh yes, now I remember you. You look so different, I hardly recognized you. Didn’t you wear glasses or something?”
“No.” She felt that little self inside her shrivel just a bit. “I’ve never worn glasses.”
“Well, whatever it is,” Lizzie said clumsily, waving her right hand. “You look way different. How the hell have you been?”
Lizzie didn’t look quite the same as she had back in high school either. Now t
hat she looked more closely, her face seemed bloated and distorted, and her once petite figure had thickened considerably. Lizzie had always been adorable with an engaging personality that drew everyone in. Now she looked like a woman that may have indulged in one drink too many and she no longer wore that happy-go-lucky grin.
“I’m great,” Penny said carefully. “How’s everything with you and Chris? How many kids do you have?”
Lizzie took a hefty gulp of her drink, moshed it around in her mouth, and eventually swallowed. “Chris and I are kaput. We’re in the middle of a really nasty divorce, and my son Charles and daughter Kelsey are feeling the brunt of our long and drawn-out battles. Anything else you want to know?”
“I’m so sorry,” Penny said softly.
“Look, no-one died or anything so there’s no need for apologies. The bastard has been cheating on me for three years with some slut he met at the gym, a woman covered from head to toe in tattoos if you can imagine. I bet you can’t believe that Mr Big Preppy Man on campus gets turned on by a biker chick. Go figure.” She shook her head slowly. “I can’t believe it took me all this time to find out what a lowlife he is. How stupid am I?”
“No-one thinks someone they love is going to cheat on them.”
A woman walked by, put a hand on Lizzie’s arm and said, ‘Give it a rest; you’re out to have a good time.”
Lizzie cackled harshly and took one last gulp of her drink, finishing it. “Yeah right, like I ever have a good time.” She looked at Penny with a sad smile. “I admit I’m a little obsessed, so instead of chewing your ear off with my nasty life, I’m going to get another drink and blot out my misery for a bit. Nice seeing you, have a nice life, I hope yours is going better than mine.”
Watching Lizzie push through the crowd, Penny noticed that she walked a little crooked. She swayed as she fought through the sea of indifferent arms, legs and bodies. Lizzie looked like a broken down middle-aged woman and that upset Penny something awful. In high school she always looked happy and confident as if her world held nothing but the promise of a wonderful future. Now it appeared that all her life consisted of was gin and tonics.
Lizzie stumbled across a chair leg. The man standing next to it quickly leaned forward to assist her. She pushed his hand away and barked, “I’m fine, let me be.”
Penny felt disappointment seep into her and it quickly made her insides feel cold and empty. You always made the good life seem possible Lizzie, she thought. Now I don’t have you to hold up as a shining example any longer.
“Hey Penny,” Alyssa yelled out, “I’ve been looking all over for you. Mike just got another shot for you. Get over here!”
Looking over at her new friends, Penny thought that at the very least, even if there were no rainbows at the end of the road, she was moving along.
Chapter 28
Her father was waiting for her, the following evening. She spotted him in the darkness the moment she stepped out of the hospital. She was so surprised to see him standing on the sidewalk; he had on the dark navy overcoat Dolores had given him many Christmasses ago. His breath came out in quick puffs of smoke, a dead giveaway that he was nervous. That makes two of us, she thought as she approached him.
They stood facing one another, sizing each other up. Penny didn’t know what to say. She figured he had come to see her, so she mentally threw the ball in his court and waited patiently to see what he would say.
Clearing his throat, Ron finally declared, “Thanksgiving is next week.”
Glancing at the parking lot as if she had just spotted someone, Penny waved. She didn’t want him to know how much his visit was unnerving her. She regained her composure and said nonchalantly, “Yes, I know.”
“We want you to spend it with us.”
“Who is we?”
Putting his hands out to her, he asked haltingly, “Have you forgotten us already? One little problem and you just turn your back on us.” He stated this levelly, as if he had already concluded that she had written off her family because of one little rift.
Feeling a catch in her throat, she shuffled her feet back and forth to keep her mind on something else. She didn’t want her father to see how much his visit upset her. She needed to show him that she was strong and sturdy.
She drew in a deep breath. “I wish it was just one little problem Dad, but it’s been big problems for a really long time. It makes me sad that it took you so long to be aware of them.” She played nervously with a strand of hair. “I miss you too, but I don’t think I can come this year.”
“I’ve always been a good father to you, despite my mistakes,” Ron said in a voice filled with hurt.
Shaking her head back and forth slowly, she said, “I know you love me Dad, and I know it’s a lot easier to avoid tangling with Dolores, but once in a while, did you ever think about defending me? Why haven’t you ever shown me that you supported anything I attempted?” She added with a wry laugh, “Even if they were feeble attempts, I still tried. You should have backed me at least part of the time.” She tilted her head. “But you never did. And being with all of you lately hurts something awful.” Tears fell down her cheeks as she searched for the right words. “All those years of watching how well you and Mom treated Louis, and Steve, made me feel so unimportant, like I was invisible or worthless. And guess what? I’m not.”
Shaking his head back and forth in amazement, Ron said, “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Your Mom and I have always wanted what was best for you. I never knew you held such contempt for us. I told you I was sorry.”
An eruption of anger welled up inside, and she couldn’t help the torrent of words that burst forth. “Dad, let’s face facts, it was easier for you to turn away when Mom made me feel like I would shrivel up like an old prune. Her intensity was something you tried to avoid at all costs, most of all at the cost of me. I know you feel bad about it now, but to tell you the truth, I still have to come to terms with it. I’m sorry, but that’s how it is.”
Her father looked as if he had been slapped. He stepped back, eyes moist, and simply stared. Penny felt her stomach clench as if a fist was punching her from the inside. The hurt that crossed over his face made her want to turn around and bolt.
“I had to tell you,” she said as a sob caught in her throat. She felt her resolve wither away like a wisp of cotton. After all these years of fermenting, her frustrations had to come out into the air to breathe. She still had a strong urge to jump into her father’s arms and tell him it wasn’t his fault, but something inside made her bite her tongue.
He broke the silence. “So this is what you think of me? If anyone had ever told me that my daughter would say such things, I wouldn’t ever have believed it.”
She looked him straight in the eye. “Yes you would have.” Turning away from him, she walked toward her car.
Ron called out, “Maybe you should come to Thanksgiving dinner and tell your Mother what you think of her.” He laughed sharply and added, “That is if you have the guts.”
She whirled around and asked, “What time is dinner?”
Now it was Ron’s turn to back off. He turned around and briskly walked away. He ran across the street, and once again the searing hurt and frustration came over her. She screamed out, “I’ll find out you know, and I will be coming!” She knew she sounded foolish but she didn’t care.
I can’t turn back now, she thought. I’ve come too far and there can’t be a retreat. From now on, my family will have to see me and know that I am worthy because I am worth so much more than that.
Chapter 29
The evening of her date with James finally arrived, and the anticipation of it was killing her. Her mind was so preoccupied that she hurt poor Mrs Rittin when she put in the IV for her Chemotherapy session.
“Ouch, are you trying to hurt me on purpose? Isn’t it bad enough I have to be here in the first place?” she screeched.
Penny looked down at Mrs Rittin’s small pinched face and felt the shame burn. “I’m so so
rry, please forgive me, it’s just that your veins are a bit hard to find and—”
“Oh, come off it nurse, my veins are as big as landing strips. Admit it, your mind was elsewhere.”
Penny laughed our loud and soon Mrs Rittin joined her. “I never heard of veins being described as landing strips, but somehow it works. Well I’m all done and I really am so sorry if I hurt you.” She still felt horrible as she put a hand on her patient’s shoulder. Mrs Rittin had an advanced stage of ovarian cancer and her prognosis was not good. She had gotten very sick from her last bout of chemo. She had to stay in the hospital for a few days’ observation and further tests. Penny wished they would just leave her alone and let her have some peace, but that was not meant to be.
“Can I get you anything else?” Penny asked as she arranged the pillows behind her head.
“Yeah, how about a life, I’m dying you know.”
She stopped fluffing the pillows and thought, what should I say to that? She knew Mrs Rittin wouldn’t appreciate a flip response. She settled on: “I don’t think there’s anything tougher to deal with than that.”
Mrs Rittin began to fold and refold the blanket that covered her. “I appreciate the fact that you didn’t bullshit me and tell me that I’m being silly. I also love when people tell me I’m not God and I don’t know that I’m dying for sure. I can’t stand it when people try to give me hope when I know there isn’t any.”
“You don’t look like the game playing type.”
Mrs Rittin nodded vigorously. “That’s right. I told them give it to me straight and the doctors did. I have tops, six months left on this good old Earth.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m not afraid to die you know. Everyone has to go, even you,” she laughed. “For some strange reason that comforts me, knowing everyone has to share in this someday.” She pointed a finger at Penny and stressed, “Knowing I share dying with everyone else makes me less afraid, less lonely with it all somehow.”
