by S. H. Kolee
I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse. Simon was expressionless and I couldn’t help wondering if it was a struggle for him to go against his nature as a vardoger. Despite my love for him, he was a shadow and I couldn’t completely banish my fear. The doubt dissipated as he took my hand, the strength in his grip reminding me that he had risked everything because he loved me.
“Shouldn’t you call your parents?” I asked, as the obligations of real life began to intrude. “They’re probably worried sick. I wouldn’t be surprised if they called the police when we never came back home.”
Simon’s mouth thinned before answering. “I went back on Friday after your father trapped you and told them we had decided to go back to school early. I figured it was best because I was planning on snatching you and running the first chance I got.”
His words reminded me that despite saving me, he had initially been part of the whole plan to use me to further the vardogers’ plans. I wanted to forget that, because every time I remembered it, it chipped away a little of my faith in him.
“Let’s go,” I said, tiring of talking. “We have to get to Sarah as soon as possible.”
Chapter Two
The train ride to Maxwell University seemed to take forever. I called Sarah practically every half hour to make sure she was still okay. Marie was still disapproving when we left, but she dropped us off at the train station and agreed to try to find seers that she thought we would be able to trust so that I could be put under hypnosis.
Simon and I didn’t talk a lot on the train ride back. Words didn’t seem sufficient to express what I was feeling at the moment. I couldn’t help glancing at him repeatedly, wondering how it was possible that I could have fallen in love with a vardoger. Yet Simon seemed so human, so full of anger, love and fear, that it was no wonder I had been fooled so easily.
It was early morning when we reached Rochester and we took a cab to my apartment. I knocked on the door and called out that it was me so Sarah would know it was okay to open the door. I had nothing besides the clothes on my back, never mind the key to the apartment. Simon had packed our bags when he had gone home to tell his parents we were leaving early for school and had put them in the trunk of the car we had used to run from my father. It had all been burned or left behind in the car crash, including my aunt’s journal. I didn’t even have my iridium necklace that my father had ripped off my neck. Marie had given me another piece of iridium to wear, and the cool metal felt comforting even though I knew it wasn’t enough to protect me.
Sarah flung open the door before I had even finished knocking and pulled me inside, her face tight with worry.
“You need to tell me everything that’s going on!” she exclaimed. “I’m going crazy imagining all the horrible things that could possibly happen because I don’t know what’s really happening!”
Instead of letting me respond, she pulled me into a fierce hug. I could feel her trembling, and I hugged her back hard. Now that I could see for myself that she was alright, I felt the fear lessen to a manageable level.
I watched Simon and Grant greet each other with hugs as well, and even though I knew Simon cared for Grant, I wondered exactly what he felt towards him. To Grant, they were family. But Simon knew better.
“Let’s sit down,” I finally suggested. The scene was reminiscent of when we had told Grant and Sarah about the existence of vardogers and our ordeal with Claudia, a girl overtaken by her vardoger, but this was so much worse. Simon and I had agreed to tell them the whole truth. Sarah’s life was in danger and I couldn’t risk her not knowing all the facts. Yet, how could I explain that not only was Simon a vardoger, but he had been one since before we had met? How could Grant accept that the cousin he had grown up with was no more? That Simon had killed him? Every time I was reminded that Simon was a murderer, I had to tell myself he was no longer the same person he was before. I refused to think of him as anything besides a human being. It was the only way I could cope.
Simon and I faced them in our usual spot, me on the recliner and him resting on the armrest. Grant and Sarah sat on the couch opposite us, watching us expectantly.
“Please just listen,” I started. “Some of the stuff we’re going to tell you is going to sound crazy. Please just wait until we’re done to ask questions, otherwise we’re never going to be able to get through all this.”
I took a deep breath before continuing. “I already told you about my father being overtaken by his vardoger. I don’t know when it happened. I just know it was a long time ago, and the person I’ve been calling my father hasn’t been my father for a while. I found out when he attacked me at my aunt’s house and held me prisoner.”
Sarah gasped but she didn’t speak as Grant put his arm around her. They both looked a little pale as they watched me, waiting for me to continue.
“My father, or more accurately, his vardoger, is obsessed with finding a way to become immortal. Right now, a vardoger can only overtake their own person, and when that body dies, the vardoger dies along with it. But my father is convinced that there’s a way for vardogers to jump bodies, to overtake anyone they choose. If he’s right, and he figures out a way to accomplish this, he can live forever. He can choose the strongest vardogers to become immortal with him.”
Sarah made a sound of distress, but she continued her silence. Simon rubbed the back of my neck, trying to soothe me, but nothing could lessen the tension I was feeling. I forged ahead with my story, trying not to think about their reaction when I finally told them about Simon.
“The worst part is, there’s a movement of seers joining forces with my father. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re tired and resentful of dedicating their lives to saving human souls, or if they’re simply just power hungry, but apparently they think they have a better shot at surviving this battle if they side with my father.”
Sarah finally spoke up, seemingly unable to keep quiet anymore. “But is it possible?” Her voice sounded incredulous, but also scared. “Can the vardogers succeed in becoming immortal?”
“Caitlin’s father is convinced that she holds the key to unlocking the secret of vardogers being able to jump bodies,” Simon answered for me. “She’s one of the most powerful seers we’ve ever encountered. Her father is convinced that there’s some way to use palladium to give them the ability to become immortal. And he believes that Caitlin, under hypnosis, will be the one who reveals how to use it.”
Grant looked at Simon oddly. “The most powerful seers we’ve ever encountered?” he repeated questioningly. “What do you mean, we?”
There was no way to sugarcoat it, so I answered his question bluntly. I thought it would be better coming from me. “Simon is a vardoger. But he’s working against my father and all the vardogers that want to take over humanity. He’s on our side.”
I expected Grant and Sarah to react immediately, but they just stared at Simon as the tense silence grew. Sarah’s eyes were as wide as saucers, but Grant’s eyes were narrowed as he studied Simon.
“So what you’re telling me is that this… thing killed Simon, the real Simon, but yet he’s on our side? How the hell is that possible?” Grant’s fists were clenched and I could see his growing rage as the meaning of my words started to sink in.
“I overtook Simon his sophomore year at Yale.” His voice was quiet, but the intensity of it cut through like a knife. “I’m sorry.”
Grant was shaking, and before I realized what was happening, he flew up from the couch and attacked Simon. His fists were a blur as he threw punch after punch, but Simon just took it, not fighting back and not even attempting to defend himself. I knew with his superhuman strength he could easily fling Grant away but it was as if he was trying to atone for his sins by not trying to block his punches. But I couldn’t let it continue.
“Stop!” I screamed as I grabbed one of Grant’s arms. He barely noticed me as he reared his arm back to land another punch, but my face got in the way as his elbow hit my cheekbone with a pain
ful slam.
I barely registered the sharp pain before Grant was against the wall, his neck pinned by Simon. Simon’s grip wasn’t tight enough to block Grant’s airflow, but Grant slumped dejectedly as if all the fight had gone out of him. Simon let go of him and stepped back, his face tense but otherwise expressionless.
Sarah had been sitting silently on the couch during the altercation, as if she were made out of stone, but she suddenly ran up and grabbed my hand, trying to pull me away.
“He’s dangerous! We can’t trust him!” she cried out. “He killed Grant’s cousin!”
I resisted her attempts to pull me away. “Everyone, just stop,” I said firmly. “Just stop so we can talk this through.”
Grant raised his head, staring at Simon with glazed eyes. “Tell me how you did it,” he said hoarsely. “How did you kill him?”
Simon didn’t flinch at his words, instead answering the question with no hesitation. “I made him take a bottle of sleeping pills. He fell asleep and never woke up.”
Grant made a sound of despair and slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. Sarah rushed over to him, putting her arms around him, as she stared up at Simon accusingly.
“You’re a murderer, yet we’re supposed to believe you’re on our side? You’re a vardoger! A shadow! Why would you want to help us?” Sarah spat out the words, venom coating every syllable. She shifted her gaze to me, and my stomach clenched at the look of her undisguised anger. Anger directed towards me. “You believe him? He’s been lying to us this entire time, yet you actually think a shadow is going to help us? You didn’t even know your own father was a vardoger this entire time, and we’re supposed to trust your judgment?”
Sarah’s words battered against me, reinforcing all the doubts I had about my ability to make the right decisions in this mess. Her accusations weren’t anything I hadn’t already said to myself. I just hadn’t expected Sarah to voice them. I was too used to her being on my side unconditionally, but I couldn’t blame her for her reaction.
Simon stepped over to me, wrapping his arm around my waist, and I knew he could feel me trembling. His action seemed to enrage Sarah even more and she made a sound of disgust. We stared at each other, two couples on opposite sides, no longer trusted allies but newly discovered enemies. At least from Sarah and Grant’s perspective.
I didn’t know what to do besides tell the rest of the story, so I continued, explaining what had happened to Simon’s vardoger once he overtook his body, and the transformation he experienced. I understood their looks of betrayal when I revealed why Simon had first come to Maxwell, and I relived the nightmare as I told them about everything that had happened in Connecticut. I couldn’t hide the fear in my voice as I told them about the danger we were all in now.
Simon didn’t contribute to the story, his expression stoic, and I felt a pang of pain for him. Regardless of what he had been, I knew what he was now. He was someone who felt pain, love and fear, and I knew this was hard for him. I had asked him on the train ride whether he had any feelings towards his family, and the anguish in his eyes when he said he cared for them told me that he must be hurting from Grant’s rejection of him.
No one said anything for a while after I was done speaking. Sarah was the first one to break the silence, but she spoke to Grant.
“Are you okay?”
Grant closed his eyes for a few moments and then opened them again. “I’m just trying to process all of this.” He looked up at Simon. “I knew you were different the summer after your sophomore year. I just thought that you had finally figured out what you wanted and were more secure in who you were.” Grant’s mouth twisted. “I didn’t realize that you were actually a different person.”
“He’s not a person,” Sarah hissed. She shot up from the floor and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the corner of the room. She kept her back to the wall so she could keep an eye on Simon and Grant, but her voice was low when she spoke so they couldn’t hear. “Caitlin, have you lost your mind? We can’t trust Simon!”
“Sarah, I’m sorry,” I answered haltingly. “I’m so sorry about all of this. But I know Simon loves me. You probably won’t believe it now but he loves Grant too. He won’t hurt us. He wants to help us.” I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing pulse. “I understand how you feel. I know you must hate me now, but I need Simon. Not just to help me defeat my father, but because I love him. I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t help it.”
Sarah grabbed my hands, squeezing tightly, her eyes fierce. “Don’t ever say that! I could never hate you. I’m just so confused and angry and scared. I’m sorry about what I said about you not knowing about your father. I was just frustrated. Now that I know Simon’s a vardoger, I can see how easy it is to be fooled. I never would have guessed in a million years that he was one.” She pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, Caitlin. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
A wave of relief came crashing over me, and I was no longer able to contain my emotions. The weight of the stress and fear from the past few days had been crushing, and I let it loose as I sobbed, crying for what had happened and what was waiting for us. Sarah held me as I cried, and I was vaguely aware of some words being spoken, and then I was transferred to a warm embrace that I knew was Simon’s. I don’t know how long I stood there and cried, but it felt cathartic to let it all out.
I didn’t speak for a while after the last shudder left my body as I tried to gather my strength. I hadn’t been able to control the overflowing of my emotions, but I knew I couldn’t break so easily. I could indulge in crying later, when we were all safe. Right now I had to be stronger than that.
I lifted my head to look up at Simon, and he wiped the wetness from my cheeks tenderly but I could see the pain in his eyes. I looked around the room to find that we were alone.
“Where’re Sarah and Grant?” My voice was husky from all the tears I had shed, but it seemed to fill the silent room.
“They’re in Sarah’s room.” Simon’s lips thinned. “I think Grant needs some time away from me, but I told them that it’s too dangerous to leave the apartment right now. Despite their reservations about me, they heeded my warning.”
“They just have to get used to the idea. They’ll accept you eventually.”
His mouth twisted. “Will they? I don’t expect them to and I don’t blame them. Sarah is right. I’m a murderer. The only thing that’s changed is the side I’m on.”
“Stop. Don’t talk like that. I can’t handle it.”
Simon closed his eyes briefly and then sighed. “I’m sorry. As painful as their rejection of me is, I can handle it. My real fear is that, deep down, you feel the same way.”
His eyes were studying me intently and I decided to be completely honest. “I love you. Nothing is going to change that. But I’m not going to lie. I’m still struggling with all this. It’s not something I can absorb in just a day or two.” I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes, so I reached up to stroke his jaw. “But I promise you, my feelings for you will never change.”
Simon’s eyes darkened and he leaned his head down, slanting his mouth over mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned up, wanting to forget everything for just one moment and lose myself in the sensual warmth of his mouth. His kiss was fierce, as if he was branding me, and I eagerly met his passion, whimpering with pleasure when his tongue invaded my mouth. I met the thrust of his tongue with mine, laving against the velvety wetness as I felt a tide of emotions swelling inside of me.
“Caitlin,” he whispered against my mouth. “I love you so damned much. I’ll do anything for you. I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”
I pressed my lips harder against his, not wanting to hear any more words, wanting to blot out reality. It was a while before we finally broke apart, and I was a little chagrined that it was Simon that put a stop to it. It probably wasn’t the best place to make out since Sarah and Grant could come in at any moment. I wasn’t sure how they would react to seeing Simon and I in an embra
ce after everything they had found out.
It was about an hour later when Sarah and Grant finally came out of her bedroom. They were still watching Simon warily, but they seemed more resigned than angry.
“We’ve been talking in circles, and we’re not sure what the best decision is,” Grant started. “But we know a hell of a lot less than you do, so we’re going to go along with whatever you have planned.” His eyes narrowed as he glared at Simon. “But don’t think this means that I trust you. You still killed my cousin. I just don’t have any other options right now.”
“And we trust you, Caitlin,” Sarah piped up. She tried to smile at me but it faltered. “We trust your judgment.”
I appreciated Sarah’s effort to make me feel better, but I had my own questions about my judgment. But I pushed my doubts to the side.
“Thank you. I appreciate it.” I bit my lip as I considered my next words. “We don’t really have a plan right now, besides waiting for my father to show up. I’m hoping that I’ll have some dreams to guide me, but what I really need are other seers that can put me under hypnosis.”
Simon shook his head. “That’s too dangerous. It’s dangerous enough to put you under, but it’s even more dangerous because even if we were able to get in contact with other seers, we don’t know if we can trust them.”
I opened my mouth to object when the doorbell rang. We all stared at each other as the sound reverberated throughout the apartment. Sarah covered her mouth with her hand, as if she was afraid she was going to make a sound to tip off the person, or thing, on the other side of the door.
The doorbell rang again, paired with a knock that was loud and insistent, demanding to be answered.
Chapter Three
The second knock was hard enough to shake the doorframe, but the voice that called out along with it made me relax fractionally, although I was still on guard.
