by S. H. Kolee
His grip suddenly tightened as he looked at me with a troubled expression. “I have a bad feeling about this, Caitlin. Something doesn’t feel right. I’m starting to think it’s a mistake to let him stay here.”
“It’s just because you’re worried. At least now we can do something besides just sitting around the apartment waiting for my father to attack. Please just trust me on this.”
Simon sighed heavily. “It’s not you that I don’t trust. It’s him.”
“Then trust that I know what I’m doing. I’m not just trusting him blindly. I’ll be careful.”
The corners of Simon’s lips turned down but he nodded in acquiescence. I pulled his head down, feeling a rush of warmth run through my body as our lips met. No matter how many times I kissed him, it never failed to quicken my pulse as I felt the familiar need pull at me. Simon cupped my head between his hands, deepening the kiss as I moved closer to him, wanting to feel his body against mine. It was so easy to forget everything in his embrace, but it was dangerous as well. In that moment, the dangers we were facing dissipated and all that was left was my need for Simon. It left me too vulnerable.
I was finally able to pull back. “I need to go to Sarah’s room,” I said breathlessly.
Simon didn’t answer right away as he brushed his thumb softly against my cheek, staring at me intently. When he finally did speak, his voice was low and roughened by desire. “I’m going with you.”
I didn’t object, and we both stepped into Sarah’s room when she bade us to come in after my knock.
“You’re both going to stare at us while we attempt to sleep?” Grant asked with a raised eyebrow. He looked pointedly at Simon. “I’m not sure how comfortable I am with that.”
“Tough.” Simon’s one word answer was said in a tone that was meant to brook no argument.
Grant looked like he was about to protest, but then he just shrugged. “Fine. Whatever. The world has already turned upside down. I guess being watched by a vardoger while I sleep isn’t any crazier.”
I sat in a beanbag chair that Sarah had in the corner of her room, and Simon took her desk chair. It was pretty awkward once Sarah and Grant settled into bed and we turned off the lights except for the small lamp on her desk. Sarah fell asleep pretty quickly but Grant was watching Simon as much as we were watching him, and I thought he’d never go to sleep. But he slowly drifted off, the combination of the day’s trauma plus the beer probably mixing into a potent cocktail for sleep.
Simon and I were silent as the night wore on, but he ended up joining me on the beanbag chair, his body cradling mine as we crowded into the small seat. We watched the haze of sunlight as dawn broke, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I felt the sure and steady beat of Simon’s heart as I leaned my cheek against his chest, trying to convince myself that I could save everyone, including Simon.
Chapter Five
I never ended up waking Ryan to take over watch since it was only a few hours till morning. He was already awake when I shuffled out of Sarah’s bedroom after Grant had balked at being watched while taking a shower. He was sitting on the couch, the sheets neatly folded with the pillow stacked on top.
He didn’t bother with pleasantries when he caught sight of me. “You never woke me to take over watch.”
“I figured it wasn’t worth it since it was only a few hours. I’m not that tired so it was no big deal.”
Ryan looked at me disapprovingly as he stood. “You need to keep your strength up. That includes getting enough rest. You’re no good if you’re weak and tired.”
“I’m fine,” I replied irritably. I didn’t feel like answering to Ryan this morning, whose father figure act was annoying me. I didn’t want to admit that it might have something to do with my exhaustion and the fact that he was probably right.
Ryan just raised his eyebrows but didn’t make any further comment. His gaze shifted to behind me, and I turned to see Simon approaching. Simon didn’t acknowledge Ryan’s presence and just addressed me.
“Grant and Sarah are still determined to go to class today.”
“Is that necessarily a bad idea?” I asked. “We’re all tired of being trapped in here. My father is already winning because he’s forcing us to live in fear, afraid to venture out of this apartment. Now with Ryan here, we don’t have to worry about being surprised by him.” I glanced at Ryan before turning back to Simon. “Ryan and I will go with Grant to class. You should go with Sarah.”
“Absolutely not,” Simon said emphatically. “There’s no way in hell I’m leaving you alone with him.”
Simon’s attitude, compounded by my earlier irritation with Ryan’s demeanor, just made me more frustrated.
“Simon, I’ll be fine!” I exclaimed irritably. “Ryan and I need to be with Grant in case his vardoger tries to attack him. And I’ll be distracted if I’m worrying about Sarah. For once, can you not fight me on this and just do as I ask?”
Simon seemed surprised by my outburst and studied me for a moment before answering. I hadn’t meant to speak to him so harshly, but I was feeling smothered by him. As much as I appreciated him wanting to protect me, I wanted him to believe in my abilities as well.
“I’m just worried about you, that’s all,” he said in a measured tone.
“I know. I appreciate it, but I need you to watch over Sarah. That’ll help me more than anything else. Even though I know my father isn’t an imminent threat, I’d still feel more comfortable if you were with her.” I tried to gentle my tone, but I couldn’t entirely mask my impatience.
Ryan had been watching our exchange silently, and we all just stood there awkwardly until Grant and Sarah joined us. Simon didn’t protest when I told them the plan was for Ryan and me to go with Grant to his classes, and for Simon to go with Sarah. I was also relieved when Sarah and Grant didn’t object to Simon accompanying Sarah since I knew they were still wary of him.
After we all got ready for the day and had a quick breakfast, we went our separate ways. I could feel Simon watching me, but I didn’t look at him as we parted ways.
The cold brisk air was a welcome reprieve from the stuffy apartment, and I reveled in feeling free for the first time in days. Grant, Ryan and I didn’t speak as we walked to Grant’s first class, which, luckily, was a lecture so we blended into the crowd of students in the auditorium. It felt gratifying to just be amongst other people, to go through the motions of normal life, even though nothing about our lives was normal anymore.
“I never thought I would enjoy going to class so much,” Grant commented as we made our way out of the lecture hall after class. “This has given me a whole new appreciation of listening to my professor drone on about musical theory.”
“Even I enjoyed it,” I said with a laugh. “And I didn’t even understand half the stuff he was talking about.”
“What’s next?” Ryan asked, checking his watch.
“I have a composition class next. It’s a lecture too, so you won’t have any problems blending in.”
I had even less idea about what the professor was talking about in Grant’s musical composition class, but it was still nice to be out and about. Afterwards, we went to the student center where we had already planned to meet Sarah and Simon for lunch. Sarah and Grant had texted throughout the morning, and everything seemed to be going fine on their end.
Sarah and Simon had already gotten their food and found a table, so we hurriedly went through the line and joined them. I felt a twinge of regret for my earlier attitude when I saw Simon at the table, his dark eyes studying me as he watched me approach. He was just concerned about my safety and I couldn’t begrudge him that. His expression seemed tense but he relaxed when I gave him a quick kiss after sitting down.
“How was your morning?” he asked.
“Good,” I replied. “I can now discuss, at length, how harmony, melody and chords come together to make music. How was your morning?”
Simon gave me a small smile. “I’m happy to hear that. My morning was
non-eventful, although I never thought I’d learn so much about Renaissance art.”
“Oh, you loved it!” Sarah exclaimed. She leaned towards me conspiratorially. “I think Simon is tempted to switch over to a fine arts major. I’ve never seen anyone listen to the professor with such rapt attention.”
Simon shrugged. “It was interesting, that’s all.”
Sarah’s joke lightened the mood, and the conversation remained light instead of being consumed by the darkness that had been surrounding us lately.
“Marcus called me earlier today,” Grant said during a lull in the conversation. “Joel has been after him about when the Henchmen are going to perform at the East End. I can’t use the excuse of being sick anymore since I told Marcus I was completely over the virus. I wasn’t sure what to tell him about playing at the East End so I told him I would talk to you first.”
His comment was directed at Simon, and he looked surprised at himself. It was as if he had forgotten that Simon really wasn’t his cousin, and he had slipped back into their past dynamics without thinking. Joel was the owner of the East End, the bar where the Henchmen usually played, and he was probably sick about the money he was losing by the band not playing there since they drew huge crowds.
“It’s probably not the best idea,” Simon answered, seemingly not finding it odd that Grant had reverted back to speaking to him normally. “Let’s see how the next few days go. I know everyone wants things to go back to normal, but we can’t just ignore everything that’s happened.”
Grant seemed to accept Simon’s answer and didn’t push the matter any further.
“That reminds me,” Sarah interrupted. “Jenny texted me. She wants to know when we can get together now that we’re virus-free.”
“Tell her and Marcus to come over tomorrow night. I can make dinner.” I glanced at Simon, expecting him to protest, but he just kept silent. I wondered if he was remembering my frustration with him this morning. Now that we knew my father wasn’t close by, I didn’t see any need to keep our distance from Marcus and Jenny. They were our best friends, after all, and Ryan would be able to sense if they were overtaken by their vardogers.
We went our separate ways again after lunch with the agreement to meet at the apartment in the late afternoon.
“What’s next?” I asked Grant.
“I have a group meeting for one of my class projects at the library.” I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could say anything Grant held up one hand. “You can’t join the group. There’s no way I can explain why I have two bodyguards trailing me around everywhere. Especially when one bodyguard is a small female.”
I rolled my eyes. “I was just going to say that we’ll sit at a table near you. Don’t worry, we’re not going to horn in on your group.”
When we got to the library, Ryan and I sat at a table positioned so that Grant was directly in our sights. The first floor of the library was abuzz with conversation from the tables that were filled with students. It was the one area of the library where you didn’t have to be quiet, and as a result it was a common place for students to gather to study together.
Despite all the noise, I was acutely aware that this was the first time I had been alone with Ryan. We didn’t speak for a while as we just sat there, listening to the conversations around us. Ryan was the one to break the silence.
“How are you coping with all of this?” His voice was quiet, sounding even more hushed in comparison to the loud voices around him.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I’m too busy worrying to think much about anything else.”
I glanced at him and saw that he was watching me. “What about you?”
“I’ve had a lot more preparation for this than you have. I’ve spent my entire life knowing what my destiny was. And I still struggle with it sometimes. So I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.”
Ryan’s honesty made it easy for me to open up to him. “It’s hard and I’m still coming to terms with everything, but so much has happened that I’ve barely had time to contemplate it all.” I paused before continuing, my voice dropping. “Are you happy with your life? With being a seer?”
“Yes. The majority of the time I know that I couldn’t lead any other life. I wouldn’t know how. This is my calling.” His lips thinned. “But there’s a tiny part of me that wonders what it would be like to lead a normal life. To spend my days going to work, worrying about paying my bills on time and spending time with friends.” He glanced at me before continuing. “I wonder what it would be like to have a real relationship where I can be honest with the other person. To tell them the truth about myself. Dating isn’t easy when you’re a seer.”
I flushed for some reason. Ryan’s words felt more personal than they should. My next words tumbled out without any thought. “What about other seers? You can be honest with them. Why don’t you date them?”
Ryan’s mouth quirked. “Believe me, I’ve tried. I thought it would be easier if I partnered with a seer. I had this idealistic notion that we’d spend our days fighting vardogers together, and our nights… well, we’d spend it otherwise occupied. But I’ve never been able to find a seer strong enough to keep up with me. So I always just end up leaving them behind.”
I nodded, not knowing what to say or how our conversation had gotten so personal so quickly. I stared at Grant, not wanting to look in Ryan’s direction. I told myself that nothing he said had anything to do with me, but I couldn’t help remembering his comment yesterday about how strong I was. I quickly banished the thought. I was confusing empathy towards a fellow seer with attraction.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” I asked, still not turning to look at him.
“What about you and Simon? Do you really think that’s going to turn out well?”
I finally turned to look at him, my indignation at his words blotting out any foolish thoughts of attraction I had been entertaining. “Simon and I are none of your business.”
“I disagree,” he said, but there was no rancor in his voice. “I need you, Caitlin. I need your strength and your power to defeat not only your father, but his followers who are determined to destroy as many human souls as possible. At best, you can’t do that when you’re distracted by Simon. At worst, Simon could betray you and lead you directly to your father. You’re getting confused by your feelings for him, but Simon is a vardoger. Nothing will ever change that.”
Indignation turned to anger, and I struggled to keep my voice low. “You know nothing about Simon,” I bit out. “You know nothing about his humanity or what he’s capable of. I’m not getting into an argument about how trustworthy Simon is, because it’s none of your business. I trust Simon completely and that’s all that matters.”
Ryan’s voice was calm in contrast to my frazzled tone, and it made me even angrier. “You’re wrong. It is my business, because you’re my business. I told your aunt I would keep you safe, and I intend to keep that promise.”
I froze at his words. “You knew my aunt?” My hands clenched into fists, my voice turning cold. “She’s dead. How in the hell could you tell her you’d keep me safe?”
“I’ve only met her in a dream.” Ryan watched me closely as he continued to speak. “I get the feeling you know that death is only a boundary, and not a closed door. Your aunt asked me to watch over you. She was the one who urged me to contact Marie.”
I felt myself starting to tremble, and I forced my racing mind to calm. “What else did she say?”
“That was all,” Ryan said gently. “She told me you were in danger and asked me to watch out for you; to keep you safe. I promised I would and that was the end of the dream.”
I wondered if I was a fool for believing him so easily, but his words rang with sincerity. My dreams of my mother had shown me that people who had passed could still reach out to you.
I didn’t speak for a while as I collected my thoughts. Even though I believed Ryan about his dream, that didn’t mean I believed he
was right about Simon. But I needed both of them. I needed Simon because I loved him and I needed Ryan because he could help me defeat my father. I needed for them to work together, and the only way that was going to happen was for me to convince Ryan to give Simon a chance.
“You don’t understand everything Simon has done for me,” I started out slowly. “He gave up everything to save me. He helped me escape from my father. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.”
I didn’t like the look Ryan was giving me. It seemed to be a mixture of sympathy and pity. “He saved you from a situation he created. Did he tell you that he’s the one that started the movement for vardogers to work together? Before him, vardogers were separate from each other, not having the wherewithal to band together. Your boyfriend changed all that.”
Ryan said the word boyfriend as if it disgusted him. I felt my hackles start to rise again. “He’s told me everything. He’s been nothing but honest with me since he told me the truth about who he was.”
Ryan laughed humorlessly. “And what about all the time before that?”
“He was trying to protect me!”
Ryan took a deep breath before continuing. “I can’t change your mind. You’ll have to realize it on your own. But sooner or later you’ll understand that you can never trust a vardoger. I’m just going to have to make sure you don’t get yourself killed before that happens.”
“What about all the seers that are betraying their own kind?” I asked. “If seers can change sides, why can’t vardogers?”
His jaw tightened and his voice turned hard. “Because vardogers aren’t human. They’re monsters intent on killing.” His eyes glittered unnaturally. “But I’m not going to let Simon hurt you. You’re too important to the cause. I’ll destroy him before that happens.”
His intensity took me by surprise and I remained silent, not knowing how to respond. I concentrated on watching Grant, trying to ignore the confusing mixture of emotions roiling inside me.
