Before my thoughts could take another spin through the “oh fuck” cycle, Erica’s name was called. I rose and followed her into the white examining room where the nurse took her vitals. A few minutes later, the doctor joined us. She was a pretty woman—thin and tall, with pixie-cut white hair.
“Erica?”
Erica took her outstretched hand from the examining table where she sat. “Yes, and this is my husband, Blake.”
“Wonderful to meet you, Blake. Congratulations to you both. You must be thrilled.”
She smiled warmly, but concern lodged in my gut. I nodded quickly, my jaw tight. All my uneducated fantasies about parenthood were swiftly placed on pause when I remembered the risks, the dangers, and the very real possibility that all those dreams could be crushed by the woman standing in front of me. Erica was legitimately pregnant. Keeping it that way was another matter, and though I’d never voiced my doubt before, Erica’s concerns echoed my own.
Life hung in the balance, and my powerlessness over that fact had me instantly uneasy.
“I’m not sure if you’ve had a chance to review Erica’s records—” I began.
The doctor sat on her stool and glanced over at me. “I have actually. They were faxed over this morning.”
“So you’re aware of the injuries she sustained.”
“Yes.” Her chipper expression dimmed a bit. Her attention slid to Erica, whose expression mirrored hers. “I imagine what you’ve been through was nothing short of devastating. I’ll be honest. I’m actually quite surprised that you’ve been able to conceive so quickly.”
“So were we,” Erica said, her voice quiet.
“But here you are.” Dr. Henneman brightened again. “And I can tell you that the labs that came back look great. Your hormone levels are where they should be, so my plan today is to do an ultrasound and hopefully we can get you a due date.”
Before I could pepper the doctor with more questions, she had Erica lay back on the table. She dimmed the lights and a couple minutes later, the fuzzy gray screen on the ultrasound machine came to life. I held Erica’s hand, sharing the comfort of someone else who was experiencing this for the first time and having no idea what to expect. Math, science, the technical details of anything were always well within my grasp. But there was nothing technical about the little orb on the screen and the tiny flicker at its center.
“That’s your baby,” the doctor said, pointing to the fuzzy oval.
Erica’s hand tightened in mine. I brought it to my lips, kissing it, never taking my eyes from the screen. A torrent of strange emotions swept over me, feelings that had no name, no frame of reference. All I knew was that everything was changing. Right before our eyes, the whole world had taken on new meaning. The doctor carried on with her examination, zeroing in on the tiny heartbeat. My own heart thumped loudly in my ears when she gave the rhythm sound.
After a few more overwhelming minutes, the doctor gave us a due date for early July. Erica was seven weeks along, and I quickly calculated the date of conception back to our wedding night.
Wow. I smiled and silently patted myself on the back. But I still couldn’t shake my worry.
The doctor printed out some ultrasound photos and handed them to me while Erica cleaned up.
“Is that it, then?” I hesitated, not sure how to broach any one of the hundred questions running through my head, all surrounding Erica’s health and history.
The doctor smiled warmly. “For now, yes. Everything looks great.”
“You’re optimistic.”
She laughed. “Would you rather I not be?”
“I prefer realistic over anything. What happened to Erica was very serious. It’s been weighing on us.”
She offered a sympathetic smile. “I understand, more than you know. I specialize in high-risk pregnancies, so I meet a lot of parents who are expecting the worst. Your concerns are valid, but Erica is healthy and I’m hopeful.”
I paused, brushing my thumb over the edge of the picture. I wanted to believe all of it. I truly did. “Have you treated anyone with comparable… issues?”
She nodded. “I have treated couples facing some very discouraging odds when it comes to conception. I’ve seen many overcome those odds, and I’ve seen some who haven’t been able to. You’re very lucky.”
“What would you say the chances are that she’ll have a normal pregnancy?”
One glance at Erica and I wanted to flog myself for asking when I read the trepidation in her eyes.
I shifted my attention back to the doctor and her expression was no longer sympathetic, but more serious. “Right now, I would say they are one hundred percent until I see something of concern.”
Somewhere tension released.
The doctor tilted her head. “Have faith, Blake. Don’t fret away this special time with worry. Everything looks wonderful so far. Come see me in a month and I hope to put your concerns to rest all over again. We’ll do this every month, and toward the end, every couple weeks. And I will be here every step of the way to answer questions and alleviate any concerns you may have.”
I blew out a breath and glanced at Erica, who seemed to share my relief. I should have carried a more confident facade for her sake, but the doctors had the answers in this situation, not me, and Erica was the patient. This was my chance to get as much information as I could, because Googling this shit only horrified me. In this case, my limited access to technology did me no favors.
“And sex is fine, just in case that might be something you were worrying about too.”
I lifted my eyebrow. This woman had no idea how I fucked, and I wasn’t about to run the details by her.
“Completely fine,” she reassured with a wink.
We stood and the doctor helped Erica off the table.
“You have a very protective father-to-be on your hands, Erica.”
Erica rolled her eyes with a smile. “Trust me, I know.”
* * *
ERICA
We drove back toward home. Autumn leaves flew across the road in windy gusts, scattering across the grassy yards that were dulling from the vibrant green of summer. The earth was dying, yet I held life, a tiny fragile promise.
I hadn’t been sure what to expect from today’s appointment, but I couldn’t have been happier. I wanted to shout our news off the rooftops but knew that we should wait a little longer. Still, I couldn’t believe how incredibly lucky we were.
“You all right?” Blake caught my hand and held it in his lap.
I met his gaze and smiled. “Yeah. Just happy.”
“Good.” His concern softened into a look full of warmth, full of love that I felt in my heart all the way to my fingertips. “I’m sorry if I freaked you out in there.”
“It’s okay. You asked a lot of the questions I wanted to. It’s hard to feel like I don’t fully understand what my own body is capable of.”
“If you don’t understand, I’m completely in the dark.”
I laughed. At least when it came to pregnancy, I suppose that was true. Beyond that, he seemed to know all too well what my body was capable of. Heat flooded my cheeks at the small reminder of that fact.
Hello, hormones. That quickly, I wanted to be home. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted to celebrate and revel in our good news over and over.
Blake’s phone ringing from the Tesla’s dashboard broke the fantasies my brain was stitching together. The caller ID read Remy. Blake’s eyebrows knitted.
“Are you going to answer it?”
Assuming the man calling was the same one who owned and operated the sex club to which I’d very naively gained entrance months ago, my curiosity burned. As far as I knew, Blake wasn’t in regular contact with Remy. What could he want to speak to Blake about now?
“Not right now. I’ll call him later,” Blake said quickly. He released my hand and hovered over the end call button.
“Just talk to him now.” Before he could stop me, I accepted the call from the console.
> He shot me a glare when Remy’s accented voice filled the car.
“Blake, hello. Do you have a minute?”
“I have exactly one minute. What do you want?” The tension in Blake’s tone was unmistakable.
“It’s about Sophia.”
A knot began to form in my stomach, filled with immediate regret and worry. I’d wanted to know Remy’s reason for calling, but now suddenly I didn’t. I didn’t want her presence anywhere near us.
Blake’s tension grew, too, evident in the tick in his jaw. “What about her?”
“She’s been hurt.”
Blake paused, his focus fixed on the road ahead. “What happened?” he asked calmly.
“It was at the club. A patron, he was fairly new. I suppose she and I both underestimated him. But you know how she is. She…” He cleared his throat. “You know her demands. She challenged him, and he took the bait. Unfortunately he took it too far.”
“Fucking hell. I could have predicted that. Is she okay?”
“She’s at the hospital.”
I pretended to look away, as if I could give him any privacy now. Even as I pretended to want to, I watched out of the corner of my eye as Blake’s grip tightened on the wheel.
“You should go see her. She’ll want to see you. No one will understand. You’re the only one she has,” Remy said, a touch of pleading in his request.
My mind shouted a string of heartless protests. Maybe this wasn’t one of Sophia’s dark plans orchestrated to lure Blake back into her life, but that is what she would hope for from it. I knew her well enough to know that.
“I’m not the only one she has. Call her parents.”
“They won’t understand this, Blake.” Remy’s voice lowered. “You know that.”
“Then maybe she should start talking about it. I couldn’t be what she wanted then, and I’m not what she needs now. Going to see her now… that’s not the answer. She’s a fucking prize-winning masochist, and you knew it. You left her alone with some sick fuck, Remy.”
“I don’t deny that I failed her. Don’t you fail her now too.”
Blake took a breath and spoke evenly. “The answer is no. Call her parents.”
“I don’t know—”
“I’m on the road right now. I’ll text you their info when I get home.”
Blake ended the call without another word. A sick feeling settled over me with the reminder of how Blake had loved her once. Maybe that couldn’t compete with how we felt for each other now, but the reality of it still hurt.
“I’m sorry, baby.”
I stared out the window, reaching for the happiness I’d felt before Remy called. “You don’t have to be sorry.”
“She upsets you, and I swore I wouldn’t let her do that to you anymore. Of all days… Christ. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I lied.
I hadn’t let Sophia get under my skin for months, but somehow she’d managed to drive herself into our world again, whether she meant to or not. I scolded myself for caring, for cursing the woman who was hurt enough to be in the hospital. For Blake’s sake, I tried to feel sorry for her. I couldn’t imagine what could have gone wrong though. Within the walls of the club, where the most depraved acts could be acceptable, maybe even commonplace, the possibilities were many.
“What do you think happened to her?” I asked.
“Let’s not talk about it, okay?”
“Do you think she’s really hurt?”
His shoulders sagged. “It’s entirely possible. If the guy beat her badly enough that she landed in the hospital, it’s probably not good. The things you and I do… it’s nothing next to the things that happen at the club, Erica. The threshold for pain and acceptable behavior goes much higher than yours. For someone to take it over the line, to injure her…”
“Maybe you should go see her.” I forced the words out. But maybe she needed Blake more than I realized.
He pulled into the driveway, parked, and turned to me. “No.”
Relief and the inexplicable need to be sympathetic battled within me.
“It’s okay, Blake. I won’t deny that I completely despise Sophia, but you loved her once. This is an unusual situation, and I understand if you want to see her.”
He lifted his eyebrows. “But I don’t.”
“If you feel like you should…”
“You’re my priority. You’re my whole life. You and our baby, and protecting our future… That’s the only thing I’m worried about now. Sophia has problems that run deeper than I could ever fix. That’s why I left, and if she has any chance of getting better, she needs to face them. Me being there for her now does nothing to help her in the long run. Maybe now she’ll come clean with her family.”
“What if she doesn’t?”
He hesitated. “Remy will be there for her.”
“How do you know?”
He rested back into his seat. “Because he’s in love with her.”
In love? Though my interaction with Remy had been only mere minutes, he had left an impression. The man who owned the sex club Blake used to frequent was both intense and intimidating. But also handsome and charismatic in a way I didn’t have words for. Sophia had attended the club with Blake in the past, but somehow associating her with Remy seemed odd. He was a dominant creature, no doubt, perhaps equally or more so than Blake. But I couldn’t imagine Blake sharing a woman, even one as awful as Sophia, with anyone.
“How… if you were with Sophia?”
“He was honest with me about his attraction to her. Something about her fascinated him. He wanted to share her, at least physically. Suffice it to say, I don’t share. I refused, and he didn’t press the issue after that. After she and I split up, I gave him my blessing.”
“Were they together?”
Blake’s jaw tightened. “A few months later. Sophia made sure to let me know it, too. Last-ditch effort to stir my jealousy and try to get me back, I suppose. But as far as I know, nothing ever materialized between them.”
“Because she still wanted you.”
“I guess you could say they weren’t compatible.”
“But he’s a Dom.”
“Not all Doms are the same, as evidenced by the one who put her in the hospital. Let’s just say on the scale of intensity, Remy’s proclivities align a little more closely to mine. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry she’s hurt. I truly am, but I’m not letting her steal another minute of time away from us.”
I took his hand and held it in my own. I traced the lines in his palm. I was overwhelmed and grateful that he felt that way. That no matter what, our future meant more to him than a woman who’d done nothing but try to tear us apart. I would have loved him and understood either way, but I felt his fervency and loyalty in the deepest places of my heart.
“Thank you,” I murmured.
“I mean it,” he said softly, tipping my chin to meet his warm gaze. His tightened expression had relaxed. Love replaced the concern and unease that had swept in over our moment.
“I know, and I’m grateful. I want you to know that if you change your mind—”
“I won’t.”
I simply nodded, sensing something final in the way he said it.
“You’re a better person than I am, Erica. I’m not sure if I could ever let you go to the side of another man who ever had your heart.”
I laced our fingers together. “You’re the only man who’s ever had my heart, Blake.”
“Thank God for that.” He kissed me. “Come on. Let’s go inside.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
BLAKE
Erica had skipped work for the appointment on Monday, and the day had ended in bed. Just her and me, between the sheets.
I couldn’t keep my hands off her, which was par for the course. But Erica was changing. She was fiery and more sensitive at once. Responsive in new ways. Tender in others. Physically, I felt like I was discovering her all over again. There was something magical and terrifying about a
ll of it, but I wouldn’t want to be on that roller coaster of emotion with anyone else.
I woke up in the morning entranced by the woman lying beside me. Her light hair was a tangle on the pillow. Her lips parted as she slept soundly.
I’d been with plenty of other women, but all the shameless nights I’d spent at The Perle couldn’t measure up to one night with Erica. No one had ever ruled my heart like this. No one.
My thoughts floated to Sophia, the only one I’d confused the word love with. I lay back on the bed, trying to ignore the visions my imagination was conjuring of her in the hospital. She was hurt. To what extent, I wasn’t sure. I wanted to know and I didn’t. I’d cut her out of my life completely, but my conscience nagged me. This morning, my conscience spoke in a voice that was too reminiscent of Sophia’s, insisting that she needed me.
Sophia had often walked a dangerous line when it came to the lifestyle. I’d struggled over that line many times. With Sophia. With others. But I’d never battled so hard with it until Erica. Realizing early in our relationship that she’d had a violent sexual past, I made the decision to walk away from anything that could bring her back to those memories. I wasn’t sure how successful I would be at the time, but Erica hadn’t given me the chance to try. She’d never questioned my basest desires when it came to sex. Even this weekend, her second failed attempt at dominance, was proof of her openness. The fighter in her seemed intent to try those limits and push past boundaries, some of which I wanted her to heed more carefully, for her own sake. Not to mention mine.
But every time, somehow, we found pleasure. We found each other.
Nothing so profound had materialized with my ex. My dominant appetites had tailored to Sophia’s submissive tendencies easily, but I soon realized that her needs went far beyond simple submission. She’d beg for pain—the kind that left marks for days, the kind that threatened to scar.
If my desires had grown dark, they’d been inspired by something far darker in her. Despite all her begging to have me back, Sophia didn’t want a Master. She wanted a monster, and I couldn’t be that for her.
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