Before he could respond, Katherine put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Oh how rude of me. Jane, this is Todd. He's a lawyer. Could probably give you advice on law school.”
“You're in law school?” he asked.
Shaking my head, I said, “Not yet. Just studying for the LSAT.”
Todd laughed. “Good times. Almost as good as studying for the bar!”
Katherine excused herself, claiming that she needed to get back to her hostess duties and that Todd and I probably had a lot to talk about. I found it odd that she was playing matchmaker to me, someone who barely liked her, instead of her own sister, but I needed a date for that coming weekend and so I tossed my concerns aside.
“Great hat,” I said.
Todd grinned. “You a Red Sox fan?”
“I usually stick to black socks. Or white if I'm working out, but red socks are certainly interesting.”
“Ha ha! Good one,” Todd said.
Flirtatiously, I asked, “Can I try it on?” Jim had said I looked sexy in his Detroit Tigers baseball cap and I really needed to speed up the pace of this conversation. If he didn't take the bait, I'd cut my losses while it was still early enough to fake interest in someone else at the party.
Todd removed his cap and, although I thought he was going to give it to me, he turned it around and planted it on his head backwards. He looked like an idiot, but I smiled as I awaited his response.
Shaking his head, he said, “I'm very superstitious. I let my ex wear it once last season and the Red Sox lost their first place position in the division. No one but me is wearing the cap ever again.”
I decided that not only did he look like an idiot, he was an idiot. I nodded. “I understand completely.” I glanced around the room hoping to spot the nearest eligible bachelor and was prepared to make my getaway when Todd said, “But… my firm is hosting a bowl-a-thon on Monday night and we need cheerleaders. If you go with me, maybe we'll get you your own ‘Schwetty Ballz’ team hat. I bet you'd look real cute in it.”
Mission accomplished, I saw no reason to hang around at the party any longer. So, after telling Todd I'd absolutely love to join him and couldn't wait to watch their rivals, “Splitz Happen,” go down the gutter (his words, I just enthusiastically repeated them), I told Katherine that I wasn't feeling well and wanted to get a good night's sleep so that I'd be in tip-top condition for my date with Todd, who was way awesome. After thanking her for making the introduction, I gave a pouting Marissa an apologetic hug for leaving her stranded, waved to Todd across the room, and gave a satisfied smile as the front door of Katherine's apartment closed behind me.
CHAPTER 21
Exhausted, I fell back on my bed, still dressed in my souvenir “Schwetty Ballz” T-shirt. Todd was a decent guy, but boy was he a Chatty Cathy. The only time he stopped talking to me was when it was his turn to bowl and even then, he'd turn and wave at me first — which meant I had to be “on” all night. And I had to make moon eyes at him so his colleagues would buy that I was into him. We planned another date for Thursday night so I just had to bat my eyelashes and flip my hair one more night to secure a date to Bob and Trish's party. And since I slickly inquired about Todd's plans for the weekend, I knew he'd be around on Saturday night. Best of all, I felt no pressure to do more than kiss the guy since I only had to engage in the charade for three dates. Thankfully, he wasn't a bad kisser because even that could get tiresome.
In the meantime, Lainie noticed that I spent less time trying to recreate the recipes from Top Chef and more time out of the apartment. As we sat in the kitchen drinking coffee before work on Thursday morning, she inquired as to the extent of my interest in this “new dude.”
I threw out the used coffee filter and put my dirty mug in the dishwasher. “He serves his purpose,” I said.
Lainie raised her eyebrow at me. “Purpose? What purpose would that be?”
Shrugging, I said, “I need a date to Bob's party on Saturday. A male date. Todd's single and interested. Serves his purpose.”
“So you don't like him?”
“Why does it matter?”
Lainie stood up and put her coffee cup in the sink. “Not sure I follow your question,” she said.
I removed her coffee cup from the sink and placed it in the dishwasher next to mine. “Nothing to follow, Lainie. I've got it under control.” Since I had run out of yogurt, I stood on my tippy-toes so that I could reach the top shelf of our pantry and grabbed one of Lainie's granola bars. “You don't mind if I take one of these, do you?”
Lainie was staring at me oddly but shook her head and said, “No. Be my guest.”
“Thanks.” Tossing the bar in my pocket book, I flashed Lainie a smile and said, “I gotta run. Have a great day!”
* * *
Later that night, I tried to watch UCLA take on Arizona in college basketball at Bar Coastal but most of my brain activity was consumed with calculating the perfect way to ask Todd if he'd escort me to Bob and Trish's party. We were sitting next to each other at the bar. Todd was drinking a pint of beer and I was nursing a cider. I was still full from the pasta dinner we'd eaten at the Italian restaurant around the corner.
On a commercial break, Todd turned his attention to me. “Thanks for agreeing to watch the game with me. I'm usually more creative on a second date but the Bruins and Wildcats are major rivals. Like the Yankees and Red Sox! Or the Giants and Eagles. I couldn't miss this game!”
I got the distinct feeling that Todd was way more passionate about sports than torts. I flipped my hair and placed my hand over his. “No worries. This is fun!” I lied.
Todd grinned. “Great! I'd hate my addiction to ruin my chances of a third date.”
Not a chance. “I'm just happy you want to go out again,” I said sweetly.
The commercial break had ended and so, with one eye on me and the other watching the screen, Todd nodded. “Totally. The sooner the better.”
I couldn't ask for a better opening. “Funny you should say that.”
“Yeah? Why's that?” Todd turned his head to face me before quickly looking back at the game.
Crossing the fingers of my left hand under my thigh, I said, “I was wondering if you wanted to come to a party with me on Saturday night. A friend of mine just moved in with his girlfriend and they're having a housewarming party.” I paused. “Fun people. Should be a good time.”
Todd removed his attention from the game and angled his body toward mine. He grabbed my hand and said, “I'd love to, Jane.” Gesturing towards the television set, he said, “Any chance these friends of yours follow college basketball?”
“Totally! Bob played basketball in college. He's practically addicted!” An embellishment more than a lie since Bob was on the basketball team in high school and even got to play a few games.
Beaming, Todd exclaimed, “Then it's a date!”
Beaming back, I said, “Yay!”
A moment later, Todd was again entranced by the game. He was still smiling and although he only spoke to me on commercials, he would occasionally squeeze my hand. I squeezed it back and while the tall men in red came back in the last twenty-eight seconds to score the winning point, I prayed that Claire would agree to do my hair and makeup the night of the party. As the ex-girlfriend of the host, I knew there would be silent comparisons between me and Trish and I refused to be outshined.
CHAPTER 22
It was Saturday night at 7:45 and I was perched on my bathroom counter, legs dangling over the edge, while Claire applied my makeup. “So, let me see if I understand this correctly,” she said. “This makeover has nothing to do with trying to impress this guy Todd and everything to do with one-upping Trish?”
My mouth open as Claire applied a second coat of my mascara, I nodded my response.
“Do we know what she looks like?”
“Mom told me that Mrs. Krauss told her that Trish looks like she could be in a Ralph Lauren ad, except for the fact that she's barely five feet tall. She's got a perf
ect blunt haircut – a brunette, wears big round sunglasses all year round and a lot of polo shirts. Sounds like a freak to me, but it's Bob's life.”
Snorting, Claire said, “Not for nothing Jane but you're not exactly a hip dresser either. You always look like you just walked off of an Ann Taylor catalog.” After swiping my face with translucent powder, Claire put the big brush down and took a step back. “Voila! Makeover complete.”
I jumped off the counter and peered closely at my reflection. Claire had used just enough bronzer to give me a naturally sun-kissed look and my complexion looked perfect. I reached over and hugged her. “I love it! Thank you!”
“You're so easy to please, little sister!” she said, laughing. “You look pretty. Todd will be blown away.”
I waved my hand in dismissal. “Like I said, I don't really care what Todd thinks.”
Claire shook her head at me, “That's kind of mean, isn't it? How would you like it if some guy jerked you around just to one-up his ex-girlfriend?”
I felt a twinge of regret in my belly, but the last thing I wanted was a guilt trip. “I promise to be really nice to Todd, OK? And besides, Idon't want you worrying about me.” I pointed at her not yet growing belly. “You should be focusing on my unborn niece or nephew!”
Claire raised an eyebrow. “So it's fine for me to spend my evening doing your makeup, but showing concern about your love life is harmful to my pregnancy?”
“First of all, I don't have a love life and second of all, exactly!”
Laughing, Claire gave me a light push out of my bathroom. “Hurry up and get dressed. You're gonna be late!”
* * *
The first thing I noticed about Trish's apartment, correction, Trish and Bob's apartment was how white everything was. White painted walls, white leather couch and love seat, white porcelain countertops in the kitchen. Sure, there were pops of color here and there, red throw pillows on the couches, black wooden coffee and end tables, dark blue area rug, but pretty much everything was pristine white. Even the paintings were black and white Ansel Adams knock-offs. At least I hoped they were knock-offs, considering the only artwork in my apartment was ten dollar landscapes I picked up on the Second Avenue Street Fair the summer before. As I imagined Bob trying to eat a slice of pizza in front of the massive flat-screen television set without staining the couch, I laughed out loud.
Todd whispered, “What's so funny?”
Bored with him but happy to have survived the cab ride from uptown listening to him brag about how the Red Sox's acquisition of some “ace” pitcher from the LA Angels during the off season would totally give the Sox an edge over the Yankees, I whispered back, “Nothing. Just thought of something silly.” I took Todd gently by the elbow and led him toward the back of the living room where I spotted Bob. A head taller than most of the people at the party, I couldn't see who he was talking to, but his gaze was focused downward and he was hunching slightly. I assumed Trish the midget was at his hip. I licked my dry lips, ran my free hand through my hair and stood quietly while I waited for Bob to notice me. I didn't want to interrupt and used the free moments to inspect Trish. She was thinner than me and I reluctantly concluded that despite being vertically challenged, she had a better body. My eyes focused on her boobs, hoping that with less body fat she'd be flat chested. They looked about the same size as mine which might have been the only thing we had in common, at least appearance wise. I noted that her nose was slightly long relative to her tiny face and her dark eyes were kind of small and unimpressive, which might explain her propensity to wear sunglasses. I definitely had a prettier face so, all things considered, it was a tie.
I was searching for a tie-breaker when Bob called out, “Janey!” and pulled me into a hug. As I embraced him, I looked at Trish to gauge her reaction to seeing her new live-in boyfriend with his arms around his ex-girlfriend of nine years. She was smiling and although I looked really hard, I saw no jealousy or insecurity behind her beady eyes.
When Bob and I separated, Trish jumped up and down. Clapping her hands excitedly, she came barging at me, squeezing me with full force. Although her mouth was eye-level to my neck, I was able to make out her muddled version of, “I'm so happy to finally meet you!”
Taken aback, and somewhat frightened, if truth be told, I pulled away and straightened the top of my scoop neck sweater. Offering my hand, I forced a smile and said, “Hi. I'm Jane.”
Jumping up and down again, Trish squealed, “I know! Bob's told me so much about you. And I've seen all of Arlene's photo albums. Love the ones from the high school prom.” Winking at Bob, she said, “He looked so cute in his tux.”
I glanced at Bob, hoping he'd roll his eyes and we'd share a silent laugh, but he had his hand on Trish's shoulder and was beaming as brightly as she.
While I counted the number of tiny freckles on her nose, Trish continued, “Looking at the pictures, part of me wished I knew Bob back then. But you were such a great girlfriend to him. Thanks to you, I got him un-jaded. Unlike some of these other NYC guys.”
When I heard a cough in the background, I remembered Todd was next to me. “Oh, I'm so sorry,” I said. Gesturing towards Todd, I said, “This is Todd. My, uh, my -”
Interrupting my eloquent introduction, Todd nodded at Bob. “Todd. Jane's lucky date. Nice to meet you. Jane baked this potato soufflé for you guys.”
Taking the platter from him, Trish said, “Thanks so much! Bob said you were a really good cook. Me, not so much!” Her eyes dilating in interest, she looked from me to Todd and asked, “How'd you guys meet?”
I started to explain. “Todd's a lawyer and my friend Marissa's sister thought we'd …”
“At a party,” Todd cut in.
“Cute! When was the party?” Trish asked.
Wanting to keep the duration of my relationship with Todd vague, I started to answer, “I don't really remember…”
“Last Saturday,” Todd said. “Jane liked my Red Sox hat.”
“That's funny since Jane has zero interest in sports,” Bob said, laughing.
“Yeah, Bob told me about the time his boss got tickets to a Ranger's game and you fell asleep in the second half.” After she said this, Trish covered her mouth with her hand. I wasn't sure if she was regretful for embarrassing me or just trying to contain her laughter. The former would mean she was nice so I hoped for the latter. But I guessed the former.
I shrugged. “Yeah, well. It was a week-night game. Long day of work.”
Patting my back like a child would a pony, Todd said, “Aw, she's a good sport. Watched basketball with me this week and even accompanied me to my firm's bowling tournament. And we've only been dating a week.”
Feeling busted, I reluctantly met Bob's glance. His eyebrows raised, he nodded, “Yup. A great sport indeed.”
“I'm gonna get another beer. Anyone want anything?” Todd asked.
In unison, all three of us replied, “No, thanks.”
After Todd was out of ear shot, Trish said happily, “He seems nice! There are too many people here tonight for us to really talk, but you guys should come over for dinner sometime. Bob speaks so highly of you. I would truly like us to be friends.”
I examined Trish's face again for some sign that she secretly hated my attendance at her party. Some indication that late at night when Bob was asleep, she stuck needles in a Jane-inspired voodoo doll wishing that my existence would be removed from Bob's memory and that all pictures of me would magically disappear from Mrs. Krauss's photo albums. But what stood before me was a truly nice person who was neither fat nor ugly and seemingly not fatally flawed in any way. Trish was sincere. She was not threatened by me. She was not jealous. She was not insecure. She was in love, she was happy, and she wanted me to be happy too. And she actually wanted to be friends.
My whole charade was failing miserably. It was obvious Todd and I were not on our way to cohabitated bliss like Bob and Trish, and worse, pretending to be right behind her in the line to romantic happiness was pointless
and would only serve to make me look even more pathetic than I already did. I had to change directions and fast.
I leaned in toward Bob and Trish and motioned with my finger for them to close the space between us. When they moved in, I confided, “If you must know, I don't think Todd is the one.”
Bob laughed. “Oh really?”
Trish frowned. “That's too bad.”
“Nah! As you know, I had the same boyfriend for nine years. My first and only boyfriend, if you know what I mean.” I gave Trish a knowing look but she stared back at me blankly. “Bob was a good lover and all, but I've got serious oats to sow before I settle down.” I did a 360 of the room as if making sure no one could overhear my next words. “All the guys I'm dating now? Using them,” I whispered. “For sex.”
Bob let out a loud guffaw while Trish stared at me, her mouth agape. I knew Bob was waiting for me to say, “Just kidding” and I half wanted to but the words didn't come.
“OK then,” Trish said, her face red. After a minute, she recovered and said, “Good for you, Jane. Might as well take advantage of your independence while you're still single.” Then she gave Bob a pleading look and said, “Help me in the kitchen, sweetie? I want to warm Jane's soufflé in the oven.”
Trish kept her distance from me for the remainder of the party. Bob tried to corner me a few times, but when I saw him coming, I made sure to be on my way to the bathroom or in the foyer taking an urgent call from the dial tone.
I had no idea what had come over me. “I'm using them for sex.” I felt as if a piece of my sanity was slowly chipping away, yet I also felt empowered.
It was all a matter of perspective. Jim hadn't dumped me after we had sex. I had taken what I wanted and moved on. Cory hadn't disappeared on me seemingly for no reason. I was no longer interested in what he had to offer. Randall hadn't kicked me to the curb because I wouldn't sleep with him. I wouldn't sleep with him because I didn't want him!
A State of Jane Page 9
