As the bus continued its trip uptown, the woman's voice stayed with me. She wasn't the first person to say a man wasn't the recipe for happiness. But I wasn't looking for a man to make all of my pain go away. I wasn't in pain, aside from not having a boyfriend! I was just ready to move toward the next stage of my life and it seemed like so many other people my age in the city were satisfied with the status quo and had no desire to grow up. They wanted to live the post-college experience indefinitely, staying out late, getting drunk, having one night stands and not being accountable to anyone. I had dabbled in that world over the past few months and it wasn't for me. I wanted what Claire had. And I hated that she belittled me for it and yet I was expected to apologize. Just like I was apparently supposed to apologize to Andrew and Lainie for having the nerve to actually want to be in a relationship before it just magically came to me. Who were they to dispense advice as if they were members of some secret love society that wouldn't let me join until I completed some stupid journey?
I looked out the window as the bus passed 79th street. I reached over to press the stop request button just as it sounded, gathered my things, and stepped into the aisle until the bus slowed to a halt. I said, “Thanks” to the bus driver and walked down the steps, debating what to eat for dinner. I was certain Lainie wouldn't be home and so I'd have the entire kitchen to myself to make a masterpiece. I recalled making my famous rack of lamb for Jim. He was so impressed. Apparently, impressed enough to take me to bed but not quite impressed enough to take me out again!
As I made a left onto 82nd Street toward my apartment, my phone rang again. Without looking at it, I took a deep breath and answered, “Hi. Sorry I didn't pick up before. Was on the bus. Too loud.”
“Where are you?”
“Mom?”
“Kevin's been trying to reach you. Get to Lenox Hill Hospital right now.” My mom's usual take-charge voice contained an unusual quiver.
My heart racing, I said, “Wha… What's going…”
Without waiting for me to finish, my mom said, “It's Claire. She's bleeding. Go to the Emergency Room. Your father and I are on our way.”
The Trader Joe's bag hit the ground, splattering a glass container of stewed tomatoes at my feet.
CHAPTER 40
Call your sister. I wish I could call mine. Call your sister. She's not with us anymore. Call your sister.
“Shut up!” My vision was blurry from tears I couldn't blink away, and I swallowed the bile at the back of my throat which wanted so badly to form a chunky puddle of regurgitated Caesar salad at the entrance to the Emergency Room at Lenox Hill Hospital.
It was a slow night in the Emergency Room, and I didn't see my sister or Kevin. Just a sweaty teenager gripping his right knee against his chest and an old drunk guy pacing the floor while sniffling his own phlegm.
I waited at the information desk behind a young Asian couple and tapped my foot. The woman behind the desk was telling them, for the third time, where they needed to go to donate blood. Really? For all I knew, my sister was bleeding to death and they couldn't find the third floor? Wasn't the Emergency Room supposed to be reserved for emergencies?
“Excuse me?”
Silence.
“Er, excuse me?” I stepped forward so I was standing next to the couple. “I hate to interrupt but my sister's supposed to be here. She's pregnant. And she's, well, she's bleeding. And…” I felt a giant tear hit the top of my lip and wiped it with the side of my hand. I looked at the couple apologetically. “I'm sorry. I have to find her.”
The lady behind the desk looked at me kindly and then toward the couple. “Just one second, please.” Looking back at me, she said, “What is your sister's name?”
“Claire.” I waited for the lady to check her computer but she just stared at me. What?
“Her last name?”
That would help. “Oh, Claire Frank. I mean Williamson! Claire Williamson.” I can't believe I told her to name her son William Williamson. Her son. My nephew.
After being told my sister was admitted to Obstetrics, I quickly walked to the nearest elevator, realizing as the door closed in front of me that I forgot to apologize again to the couple I cut in line. They were probably still receiving directions to the third floor. I got off on the seventh floor and immediately turned left, not bothering to check if I was headed in the right direction. As I passed static white walls, the combined smell of sickly get-well flowers, bodily fluids, and anti-bacterial spray clogged my nostrils until I found myself paralyzed outside of Claire's room, not ready to enter.
Trying to gain my composure, I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair. My heart was racing and I had no idea what to expect when I saw Claire. Or what I was supposed to say. ‘Are you OK’?, ‘I love you’?, ‘I'm sorry I've been a selfish bitch’?
I peeked through the glass panel in the door, hoping to catch a glimpse of her without being seen. She was in bed and Kevin was at her side, holding her hand. She looked normal, maybe a bit pale though, and her hair was lacking its usual fullness and was flat against her head. I tapped lightly on the door and they both saw me at the same time. Kevin, looking solemn, signaled with his hand for me to enter.
With my right hand over my heart, willing it to stop beating so fast, I nodded and slowly walked in the room. “Hi,” I said, looking mostly at Kevin. “Is everything OK?”
“Waiting for test results, little sister,” Claire said softly.
I forced myself to look at Claire through my damp eyes. “What happened?”
Standing up, Kevin said, “I'll leave you guys to talk before your folks arrive. Going to catch my own parents up.”
After he left, Claire motioned to the chair and said, “Sit.”
I sat down, reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I'm so sorry. For everything.”
“Just let me have sex with a stranger on your couch and we'll call it even,” Claire said with a weak laugh.
“I'm serious. What happened? Mom said you were bleeding. From where?”
“Where do you think?”
I looked down at the linoleum floor. “Is the baby OK?”
Claire nodded. “Yes, William Williamson is fine. For now. Dr. Flynn just wants to know what caused the bleeding.”
“But the baby is alive?” Embarrassed by the awkwardness of the conversation but needing to know for sure, I said, “I mean, you didn't miscarry?”
“No. The baby has a heartbeat but bleeding at this stage of the pregnancy could be a sign of something wrong with the placenta or, God forbid, an ectopic pregnancy. But I had no cramping and according to Web MD, abdominal pain is a symptom of that.”
“When did you have a chance to check Web MD? Didn't you call the doctor right away?”
“Kevin looked it up on his phone in the cab. Anyway, the bleeding stopped. Another good sign!”
“You're so calm!”
Claire sat up higher in her bed and placed the longest part of her bangs behind her ears. A habit we shared but I'd never noticed before. “Not really calm. Just faking it for your sake.”
“Please don't do anything for my sake! I don't deserve it.”
“You looked like a ghost before. I can't have you fainting and stealing all of the spotlight. I kind of need the medical attention more than you right now.”
“I'm sorry.”
“You said that already. For what?”
“For being an awful sister and future aunt.”
Claire reached over and took my hand again. “You're not an awful sister. Just a bit clueless and self-absorbed. Typical younger sibling syndrome,” she said matter-of-factly but with a smile.
“I love you, Claire.” I reached over and kissed her cheek, rubbing the lip mark I left with my thumb. “Just like Nana used to do!”
“I love you too, little sister. Now do you believe me that no one has the perfect life? Still want to switch places with me?”
“If it meant I could take away some of your pain, yes!”
Claire put two fingers to her lips and blew me a kiss just as Kevin returned with a middle-aged man in scrubs.
“Test results are in,” Kevin said.
I turned to Claire whose brown eyes were opened to the size of silver dollars. As Kevin approached her bed, she reached out and gave him her hand. When the doctor looked over at me, I said, “I'll wait outside. Mom and Dad should be here soon.”
I was tempted to watch the conversation from outside the door and try to read lips or at least gauge the prognosis by Claire and Kevin's facial expressions but decided against it. Leaning against the wall with my eyes closed, I prayed softly. “Please, God. Please make Claire and the baby OK. Please.” I opened my eyes as my parents were walking toward me. I ran toward them with my arms extended, and we had a group hug. After we parted, I said, “The doctor's with them now.”
Without saying a word, my mom tapped lightly on the door and entered the room, my father and me behind her.
No one was crying and Kevin even had a half smile.
“Mom!” Claire called out, her face brightening as our mom ran toward her. “Daddy! Everything is going to be fine.”
Turning to the doctor, my mom said, “I'd prefer to hear that from you if you don't mind.”
Holding his clipboard to his chest, Dr. Flynn smiled and shook my father's hand. “Your daughter is correct. The ultrasound and blood tests showed that Claire and the baby are fine. Everything looks good. We were lucky, but I'm still concerned about a preterm delivery so I'm ordering her to bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy.”
“The school will just have to get a long-term sub,” my mother said as Claire nodded.
“I can come by after work and help out,” I said. “Anything you need.”
My dad kissed the top of my head, “That's my sweet girl.”
I flashed back to Claire doing my make-up before Bob and Trish's party and letting me borrow her clothes all through high school. Pointing at her, I said, “Not as sweet as my big sister. Least I can do.”
Laughing, Claire said, “I have no idea what's gotten into you, but I like it.”
After the doctor said Claire didn't need to stay overnight, my mom suggested that we go back to her and Kevin's apartment and order in some dinner.
I said, “I could have cooked us up a dinner but I dropped my bag of groceries on the corner of 82nd and Lex when I got mom's call!”
“That's OK. I really appreciate you guys being here. Especially you guys,” she said looking at my parents. “But if you don't mind, I think I just want to check out as quickly as possible and relax at home alone with Kevin.” Frowning, she said, “Are you mad?”
“Not at all, sweetheart,” my dad said. “Right, hon?”
“Whatever you want,” my mom said. But she didn't look thrilled.
Claire and I made eye contact and she gave me a pleading look.
“Why don't the three of us go out? Dad loves the pancakes at EJ's. We can have breakfast for dinner,” I said.
“Fine,” my mom said. Turning to Claire, she said, “But just relax tonight. You can call the school after the weekend. I can email the doctor's note if you want.”
Claire smiled. “Thanks, Mom.”
With one hand on her hip, my mom gestured to the rest of us. “OK, let's leave Claire alone to get changed. We'll walk out with you and then go our separate ways. Kevin can stay.”
“Thanks for the permission, Mrs. Frank,” Kevin said, laughing.
Giggling, my mom said, “You're about to give me a grandson. Don't you think it's time you called me Mom!” and kissed him on the cheek.
It always amazed me how easily Kevin could make my mom laugh. She looked instantly relaxed and I exchanged a knowing glance with Claire who motioned for me to come over.
She was still in bed, and I leaned toward her and whispered, “What?”
Claire whispered back, “Thanks for rescuing me. And for giving up your Friday night.”
“Yes, I had to cancel my other exciting plans of cooking dinner for one. At least now I get EJs. Even if it is with the parental figures.”
“What are you guys whispering about?” my mom said. “Let's go.”
“OK, remember to put on your pants. It's too cold out there for butt exposure!” I said.
“I'll remember.”
I followed my parents out the door and turned back to look at Claire. She mouthed, “Thanks” and I smiled before shutting the door behind me.
CHAPTER 41
I perused the menu at EJ's, contemplating either a Western Omelet or a Waldorf Salad. I had ordered a hot chocolate and dipped my spoon into the dollop of whip cream resting on top of the mug. “Thank God Claire and the baby are OK.”
“Amen to that,” my dad said, clinking his mug of coffee against my hot chocolate. “How about I get pancakes, you get eggs, and we share? Your mother will probably get a boring California salad of cottage cheese and fruit.”
“Or a scoop of tuna salad over lettuce and tomato,” I said giggling.
“For your information, Mother's getting a burger!”
My dad and I looked at her in shock. “What's the occasion?” I asked.
“Your sister and the baby are healthy.” She gestured toward my dad and me. “I'm sitting in a restaurant with my husband of thirty years and our beautiful, if moody, youngest daughter. Calls for a burger.”
“Sorry I've been moody. I'm over it.”
“Over what?” My dad asked.
I sighed and placed the menu on my lap. “The angst. I'll meet someone when the time is right. And if I'm not meant to be a lawyer, I'll find something else to do.” I looked down at the menu noting that the word potato in the sides section was spelled with an “e” like it was edited by Dan Quayle. I looked up to find my parents staring at me. “What?”
“What do you mean if you're not meant to be a lawyer?” My mom asked.
Looking worried, my dad said, “Did you get your LSAT scores back?”
I removed the elastic band from my wrist, put my hair in a bun on top of my head and contemplated my response. I could tell my parents I did poorly. They'd say something kind, like I was just having a bad day when I took the exam and would do much better the next time around. But they'd discuss it on the car ride home and wonder whether I truly had what it took to be a great lawyer. As much as I feared the repercussions of confessing my lie it was better than my parents thinking I was incompetent. “Not exactly,” I said, my voice a soft whisper.
With an unmistakable trace of annoyance, my mom said, “Then what?”
I forced myself to look my mom dead in the eyes. It was actually easier than facing my dad this time. “I didn't actually take the LSAT.”
In unison, they said, “Why not?”
My stomach rumbled and I wondered if it was hunger or fear. I felt the same way whenever I was strapped into a rollercoaster and knew the only way off was by completing the ride. “I forgot to sign up.” Please don't yell. Please don't yell.
My mom raised her voice and asked, “How the hell did that happen?”
Placing his hand over hers, my dad said, “Shhh. Keep your voice down.” Then he looked at me and said in a lower voice, “But how the hell did that happen?”
I bit my lip. “I don't know.”
“You don't know? How do you not know?” From my mother's ashen complexion, you'd think I walked into two-way traffic without looking both ways, not just forgotten to take a dumb exam.
“Pamela, calm down. It's not the worst thing in the world.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, happy at least he was on my side.
“But really, Jane,” he said. “Did you change your mind about going to law school?”
I shook my head. “No. I definitely still want to be a lawyer! But I hadn't studied enough and probably would have done a shitty job anyway. I might have dodged a bullet by not taking it.”
Looking confused, my dad said, “You said you were prepared. Each time I asked how the studying was going, you said
‘great.’”
“I lied.”
“You lied to your father?” My mom's eyes opened wide and I held my breath awaiting her next words. The waiter saved the day by coming over to take our orders, but as soon as he walked away, she repeated in a whisper, “You lied to your father?”
I looked at my dad, whose sad face resembled a little boy whose lunch was stolen by bullies at recess. “I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't want to alarm you that I hadn't really studied yet. I had every intention to, but…”
“But what?” he said.
“But, I was distracted.”
“By what?” my mom asked. Her complexion was back to normal but the tapping of her long, polished nails on the table cloth still kept me from breathing normally.
“By the dumb jerky boys who keep ruining my life!”
“This is about a guy?” Glancing at my mom, my dad said, “This one's for you.”
“Not just one boy,” I said. “All of them. Every single guy I've dated since Bob turned out to be a complete assclown. Excuse my language.” Looking at my mom pleadingly, I said, “Please don't say I shouldn't have broken up with Bob. I wasn't in love with him.”
“I know that,” my mom said. “Besides, you need to kiss a lot of frogs before knowing what a prince really looks like. When I thought you and Bob might get married, I was actually a bit concerned you would wonder about other men. And what it was like.” She paused, her face flushed again, this time in embarrassment though, not anger. “You know what I mean, right?”
“Uh huh,” I said, feeling my face get warm.
“Alrighty then,” my dad said, his complexion almost purple. “Back to the LSAT please.”
“OK.” My mom patted my dad's arm sympathetically and I could tell she was trying to keep a straight face. Turning her attention back to me, she said, “Well, I'm sorry you've gotten involved with so many, as you call them, assclowns, but what does that have to do with taking the LSAT?”
“I don't know. I just had trouble concentrating. I was too busy trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how to fix it.” I searched my parents’ eyes for the magical answer.
A State of Jane Page 19
