“I saw him off,” Olivia said. “He was worried he’d offended you.”
“Nah. I just... I remembered, and I came in here to see them, and to see if I could get more back.” He swallowed hard, and turned his watery gaze toward her. “Olivia, I wasn’t much of a husband, or a father.”
“That’s not true—” she started.
“Yeah, it is.” He shook his head. “It is. Mia loved me, but I put her through a lot. I didn’t talk about my feelings, and I worked constantly. She put up a good front, but I wasn’t making her happy.”
“I don’t believe that,” Olivia said fiercely.
“Ask Lloyd. He’s the one who filled me in. I wouldn’t even go to church with her.” He shook his head. “After she died, I sent my daughters to church with extended family. What kind of a father does that?”
“A hurt one,” she said quietly. “At least you sent them.”
He shook his head. “Not good enough.”
Sawyer rose to his feet and walked over to Bella’s crib. He reached down and stroked her cheek with the back of his finger. He was motionless for a moment, and Olivia wondered if she should leave him, but then he turned back toward her.
“You didn’t know me as well as you think,” he said bitterly.
“Sawyer, I don’t know what kind of man you think you were, but I knew you!” she said, crossing the room and stopping in front of him. “Family has all sorts of tensions—the pastor was just telling me that. And your family was no exception. But that doesn’t change who you are!”
“And who am I?” he asked, spreading his hands. “Because I don’t remember enough, and what I’ve heard isn’t great.”
One of the toddlers moaned in her sleep, and they both looked toward the crib.
“You’re my friend,” she said, lowering her voice to a whisper. She met his gaze, silently begging him to believe her. “You’re the guy who could make me laugh when I felt at my worst. You were kind, in little ways other people weren’t. You used to get sad when you saw a dead baby bird at the bottom of a tree. And you once carried a newborn calf in your arms for a full mile to get it back to the barn where you could warm it up.” She put her hand on his arm.
“I don’t remember that...” he murmured.
“Well, I do,” she said. “When I was working as a waitress, you saw this old farmer treat me like garbage. He said I messed up his order, and maybe I did. But you came in and made this big scene and left me a twenty-dollar tip in front of everyone.” She smiled mistily. “When I got off of work, you wouldn’t let me spend the money on ice cream to share. You paid for the ice cream, too.”
“I did that?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah, you did. And more. You were my best friend until I had to step back and let your wife be your best friend. But when I did that, I was giving up a really great guy in my life...” Her voice caught. “And I missed you...”
Sawyer raised his hand and touched her cheek. It was only then that she realized a tear had escaped, and she leaned her face into his warm palm.
“I wish I could remember that stuff,” he breathed.
“I remember it for the both of us,” she said, and a lump rose in her throat.
His dark eyes met hers, and she could see the anguish swimming there. But there was hope now, too, and as his gaze moved over her face, she felt the moment between them deepen. His lips parted, and he stepped closer to her, so that she could feel the warmth of his chest emanating from him. He ran his hands down her arms, and they felt strong and warm against her chilled skin. In their friendship, they’d tried to avoid moments like this—touching each other, holding on to each other...because they knew where it would lead all too easily.
“Why is it that you can make me feel better?” he murmured.
“I’m useful that way,” she said, attempting to joke, but it didn’t land, and he didn’t laugh. He reached up and touched a curl at the side of her face. This time, she refused to lean her cheek into his touch, no matter how much she wanted to.
Sawyer might not remember the simmering chemistry between them, but she did. They’d been friends, but they’d also fought to keep it that way, because without some firm self-control, their relationship would have tumbled into the romantic.
He made her feel better, too. He was still the one she could rely on, even when his memory had betrayed him.
“Sawyer...” she breathed. He should be warned... She’d never told him about this part of their friendship.
But then there was the sound of the side door opening and the clomp of boots. Lloyd was home, and Olivia took a step back.
She licked her lips and suppressed a sigh.
“Your uncle’s here,” she said, her voice shaking ever so slightly.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat.
Olivia didn’t know what he was feeling, but she knew better than to let herself go with the flow of whatever was building between them again.
“I’m going to work with my uncle this afternoon,” Sawyer said briskly.
“Sawyer, you’re recovering—” she began, but a searing look from him silenced her.
“I need to do this,” he said quietly. “Can you watch my girls?”
His girls... She nodded. “Yes.”
“Thank you.”
And he brushed past her, out of the bedroom. She could hear his footsteps going down the hall and she shut her eyes.
Lord, keep my feet on the ground, she prayed. I have to remember for us both.
Chapter Nine
Sawyer grabbed his jacket and got his hat off the peg by the side door. Lloyd stood at the counter, pouring coffee from the pot into his thermos, steam billowing up in a fragrant cloud. The older man looked over at Sawyer in surprise.
“I’m working with you this afternoon,” Sawyer said curtly. “And if you don’t like that, I’m going out on my own.”
Lloyd didn’t answer, just slowly screwed the lid back onto his thermos.
“So, are you driving, or am I?” Sawyer asked.
Lloyd met his gaze seriously. “What happened?”
An image of Olivia was still vivid in his mind—her upturned face, her teary eyes, and the way his heart had thudded in his ears as he looked down at her. He’d wanted more—to hold her again, to pull her closer... He pushed it back.
“Nothing. Apparently, I’m a bit of a workaholic. The accident didn’t change that.”
“Was hoping it might,” Lloyd muttered, and then he sighed. “Fine. I’ll drive.”
Sawyer had expected a bigger fight from his uncle, but maybe the old guy had seen it coming. Sawyer headed outside, letting the screen door slam shut behind him, and he stood in the cool breeze, his thoughts spinning.
He’d almost kissed Olivia. If Lloyd hadn’t come back, he probably would have. There had been something about that cozy quiet of the room, her deep belief in his goodness, and those sparkling brown eyes that pulled him in so easily... And even now, all he could think about was covering her soft pink lips with his.
Having her in his arms would be a powerful comfort right about now. But he hardly remembered his own history. He had no business starting up a romantic relationship. He didn’t even know who he was yet! Besides, she wasn’t sticking around—she’d made that clear. And he understood why.
Sawyer had to get out and work today, though, for his own sanity and to give himself some distance from Olivia. Whatever he was feeling for her was strong and confusing. She was supposed to be a friend—wasn’t that what she’d told him? They’d been buddies. Obviously, he was overcompensating for his memory loss, and he could only imagine how offended she’d be once she had a minute to think this all through.
When he got himself sorted out this afternoon, he’d be able to focus on what mattered—put the hard work into becoming the man he needed to be for his kids. Maybe his workaholic tendenc
ies wouldn’t be such a liability after all, if he could just refocus his energy. He wouldn’t let his daughters grow up resentful. He’d make sure they got what they needed, and then some.
The door to the house opened behind him, and Sawyer glanced back to see Lloyd come outside with his thermos in one hand and a sandwich in the other. He took a big bite of the sandwich, then nodded to the truck.
“On second thought, you drive,” Lloyd said past the food in his mouth. “I’ll tell you where to go.”
Sawyer climbed in on the driver’s side.
“The key’s on the visor,” Lloyd said, swallowing. “And you do what I say when I say it. You hear? I don’t want another accident on my hands with you.”
“Got it.” Sawyer flicked down the visor and caught the key as it dropped. He started the truck and with the rumbling beneath him, he felt a wave of relief.
This must have been what it felt like to head out for a day on the ranch. If he needed some comfort today, he’d get it the old-fashioned way—with hard work. He couldn’t dump his emotions onto Olivia.
* * *
That evening when Sawyer and Lloyd got back, he was tired and it felt good. A lot of the work was starting to come back to him. He still needed Lloyd to prompt him with what to do, but his muscles seemed to remember the movements, and he was catching on quickly. Some of it was just logic—usually what he thought he should do next considering everything going on around him turned out to be the right thing. He was going to be able to pitch in around here a little bit more, and that was a relief.
When they got back for dinner, Olivia had already cooked. It was some sort of meat sauce on top of rice. It was new to him, but it tasted good, especially as tired and hungry as he was. Olivia fed the girls some rice and pieces of meat without the sauce. They didn’t eat much of it, and Lloyd grabbed them some yogurt and crackers—those disappeared a lot faster.
Sawyer had missed the girls while he was gone. He was kind of relieved to feel that pang. He’d been half afraid he wouldn’t, and didn’t know what that would say about him. So after dinner, he cuddled his daughters on his lap and read them a story until they nodded off.
“Did you need a hand?” Olivia asked.
“I can do it,” Lloyd said, coming into the living room. “I’ve kind of missed this part.”
“Oh...of course.” Olivia smiled and sank back into her spot on the couch.
Lloyd eased Bella off Sawyer’s lap and Sawyer hoisted up Lizzie. They ambled down the hall together, and Sawyer glanced back once to see Olivia watching them with a tender look on her face. Then they headed into the bedroom and the men lowered the toddlers into their cribs. Lizzie moaned a little as she was getting resettled, but it only took a few seconds for both girls to be snoring softly from their beds. Sawyer closed the curtains, and Lloyd shot Sawyer a smile as they both headed for the door.
This must have been the routine before Olivia arrived, he realized, him and Lloyd pitching in together with the kids. Lloyd seemed to know the drill.
“Back to normal,” Lloyd said. “Almost.”
“Yeah?” Sawyer wished he could remember that.
“We held down the fort,” Lloyd said, and then he nodded down the hall. “I’m turning in, too.”
“All right.” Sawyer nodded. “Good night.”
He headed back out to the living room, and he found Olivia where he’d left her, sitting on the side of the couch, her legs tucked up underneath her. He paused, gave her an uncertain smile. She looked sweet and soft, and he cleared his throat, gazing down at his boots instead.
“About before...” he said.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” she said.
“You’re trying to be nice, but I think we do,” he said. “I know it got kind of...intense earlier. And I know that’s on me. I’m starting over in a lot of ways, and I don’t remember much of anything between us, so I guess I’m making a fool of myself. And I’m sorry.”
“You’re no fool,” she said, her voice low. That same certainty was back on her face from earlier, and he wished he could believe her.
“I’m a bit of one,” he said ruefully. “Maybe I’m just lonely or something, but I’m finding myself slipping into... I don’t know.”
He didn’t want to confess any of this, but he couldn’t very well go on with some awkward moment standing between them, either. She was the only friend he had right now—that he could remember.
“It’s funny,” she said quietly. “I thought it would be different this time. But we always did have this problem.”
He sank down onto the other end of the couch, his gaze locked on her. “You told me we were friends.”
“And we were,” she said with a nod. “We chose to be friends because it wouldn’t work between us to be more... I honestly thought that the chemistry would be gone between us by now.”
“So we were always like this?” he asked, shaking his head. “The attraction, I mean. Because I know I feel it and I was beating myself up all afternoon thinking that I’d probably offended you.”
“No, you didn’t offend me,” she said, then shrugged weakly.
“Good...” He let out a breath of relief. “But I’m still sorry. I’ve been dreading bringing it up with you, but I know I have to. Just to clear the air, I guess. I shouldn’t have let myself—”
“Sawyer,” she interrupted him. “We knew better than to toy with these kinds of feelings. So...we made a pact.”
“What sort?” he asked.
“To keep things strictly friendly. No romance. No romantic settings. No hand holding or hugging, or...anything that would make our decision harder to stick to.”
It all started to make more sense now...the distance between them when they’d needed each other most.
“Ah... No hugging. Even in the hardest of times.”
“Yes,” she said, and tears misted her eyes. “Even when it broke our hearts. No hugging.”
“Okay.” He eyed her uncertainly. “So, what’s happening now?”
“I guess it wasn’t just about a shared history,” she said.
Sawyer let out a long breath. “I can’t... I mean, I shouldn’t—” He winced. “I need to be a good dad, Olivia. I don’t think any of it comes to me real naturally, but I’m determined to do better by my girls now than I did in the past.”
She was silent and dropped her gaze to her lap.
“I know I started something earlier today, and I’m sorry about it. I’ve got to get myself straightened out, and starting up a romance when I don’t even remember who I am—”
“Sawyer, you don’t have to explain,” she said quickly. “It’s the same for me. I can’t just reverse course and come back to Beaut. I wasn’t happy here, and I’m not willing to fight idiots like Eddie for the rest of my life. I know what I need, too.”
“And it isn’t this.” He waggled his finger between them.
“No, it isn’t.” She smiled sadly. “We’ve had this conversation before. You just don’t remember it.”
“Right.” He nodded.
“And for the record, we had no trouble with our attraction to each other during your marriage. You were in love. You only had eyes for her. I promise you that.”
That did help. “So how do we handle this, then?”
“We...um...follow our rules.”
“No hugging. No touching. No romantic anything,” he said.
He could still remember that isolated scene in his head—Olivia in the dark jacket, her eyes filled with anguish and his longing to hold her... The memory was so stark that it still sent a shiver through him.
Hard work. That’s what had worked for them in the past to clear his head, and they’d come out the other side okay, it would seem. It was his plan for being a better dad, too. No one could fault him on his work ethic. This time, he’d apply it to the right things.
>
“I won’t do that again,” he said. “I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
“Me, too,” she said, then laughed softly. “We’ll get our balance back. I promise.”
“I’m just going to do the dishes,” he said. “You turn in or whatever you want with your evening.”
“Do you need a hand?” she asked.
More time with her wasn’t going to help this. Not tonight.
“Nah. I’m fine,” he said.
“Okay, well...” She smiled hesitantly. “Good night, I guess.”
“Good night.” He met her gaze once more, and she looked so soft and gentle that turning and walking away was harder than it should have been. But he was glad they’d cleared this up. Doing the dishes would give him a chance to think by himself, to shake that image of her upturned face out his head and get himself back on track.
She was here to help him remember, and she was doing that. Whatever was tumbling around in his heart wasn’t her problem.
* * *
Olivia lay on her bed that night, long past the time she heard the gentle clatter from the kitchen go silent. The house was quiet, and her mind was still reeling. Why couldn’t things be easier with Sawyer? She’d truly thought that their chemistry would be different if he didn’t remember her. They’d become friends under such odd circumstances that she’d often thought if they’d met at a different time, they’d have politely nodded and walked in different directions. It was the strange timing—her loneliness, and one quiet evening at the diner where she was working.
When she told Mia about meeting Sawyer and how he’d suggested that cowboy movie marathon, Mia had encouraged her to go.
“So what if it is a date?” Mia had said with a laugh. “Is that so bad? If I stumbled across a cute cowboy asking me out, I’d be going.”
When Sawyer dropped her off at home that night, he had kissed her cheek. It was sweet—but she’d known it couldn’t go anywhere, and she knew that her heart couldn’t take a fling. She wasn’t the kind of girl who recovered that quickly when her emotions were involved. So she made it clear.
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