“No idea...” Sawyer looked deflated now, tired, and Olivia slid her hand into his.
“They’re sleeping still,” Evelyn said, coming back into the room. “But listen, if you need any help at all, Sawyer—”
“No, I’m fine for now,” Sawyer said, and he tightened his grip on Olivia’s hand.
“Why don’t I take you out to the barn,” Lloyd said, looking over at Evelyn. “We can give these two some space. I think the worst is over.”
Evelyn nodded and while they got their coats and headed outside, Olivia looked up into Sawyer’s face.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
What else could she say? She felt horrible that she’d been part of this at all, but she hadn’t known that the Whites wanted to take their granddaughters away from him! Her mind was still spinning, trying to catch up. Was this what the Whites had become?
“I’m really sorry.” Tears misted her eyes.
“I know.” Sawyer rubbed his hands over his face.
“I had no idea...”
“What were they talking about, speaking on your behalf?”
Olivia swallowed back the lump in her throat. “They said they’d speak to the hospital board to help lower our debt if I helped them to reconcile with you. I didn’t tell you about it right away, because you couldn’t remember, and then when I brought it up, you knew where you stood already—you said you’d talk to them when you were ready. And that was fair. I knew then that I wouldn’t get the favor from them, so there didn’t seem to be any point in bringing it up.”
He was silent for a moment, then nodded slowly. “And you were willing to walk away from that kind of help?”
“Yes. I wasn’t going to take advantage of you, Sawyer. I couldn’t do that! You don’t remember what we were to each other, but I’ve always—” She stopped, biting back the words. She was saying too much.
“You’ve always what?” His dark eyes met hers, and she couldn’t hold the words back anymore. She’d been trying to protect him while he recovered, but hiding all those motives and feelings hurt too much. It was time he knew it all.
“I’ve always loved you. When I shouldn’t. When you weren’t mine to love. When you didn’t love me back. I loved you,” she said, her voice trembling. “You told me you needed space with Mia because you loved her, and I gave it to you because I was trying to cut off the last of my feelings for you. I thought I had... And I’m only telling you now because I can’t have you believe that I’d do anything to hurt you or to separate you from your children.”
“You thought you had cut off your feelings for me,” he said. “But?”
Olivia had already said too much, and felt a wave of panic.
“Olivia—” His voice was deep and firm. He caught her hand and tugged her closer. “Did you succeed in that? Did you stop loving me?”
She didn’t answer, but tears filled her eyes. How could she? Just looking up at him right now, her heart wanted to tear in two.
“Because I love you,” he breathed. “I knew it when I saw you again—and it was more than you just being a comfort in a difficult time. I don’t remember everything yet, but I know what you mean to me now...”
Sawyer’s lips came down over hers. She dug her fingers into the sides of his shirt and leaned into him as his lips moved over hers. His kiss was filled with longing and when he pulled back, she blinked blearily up at him.
“I love you, too,” she said, but then she took another step away from him, lest he kiss her again. She couldn’t think straight in his arms—it felt too warm and sweet there.
“But?” he asked huskily.
“I’m not staying here, Sawyer,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ve worked too hard to push my life forward! Besides, I can’t make enough here. I barely make enough in Billings, what with the money that’s taken off my paycheck to pay back the hospital. My life isn’t exactly fixed, yet... Besides, what if I did stay?”
“I’d be real happy,” Sawyer said. “What do you think?”
“What would we be to each other?” she asked. “Friends who keep falling into each other’s arms? Is this even healthy?”
Sawyer stilled. “I’m trying to be a better dad than I was before, and I need to put the hard work in—”
“I know,” she said. “You need to focus on your kids. So you want me to stay and be here for you without needing more. But we can’t sit here in this purgatory of friendship where we can’t be what our hearts want us to be. We’ve done that before. It was awful. Even if I could afford to stay in Beaut, even if I could make a life here in this town that tore away my self-esteem...you’re starting over, too. You have to be the dad your girls need. So if I stayed, then what? I can’t just be your buddy, pretending I don’t feel this! And you can’t do that either. We can’t do this to ourselves.”
“We’ve done this before,” he said sadly. “I just don’t remember it yet.”
“You will,” she whispered. “It hurt us both.”
He nodded.
“We set up our rules for good reason,” she said. “Before it was because I wasn’t staying, and we wanted to avoid this exact problem...”
From the bedroom, the sound of a toddler’s cry filtered out toward them, a plaintive, lonely wail.
Olivia licked her lips. “Go take care of your girls, Sawyer.”
“Are you leaving?” he asked.
“Yes.” She nodded, her chin trembling. “I’ll get my bag.”
“Will I see you before you leave town?” he asked.
The toddler’s cry turned into two, and he looked at her with heartbreak in his deep brown eyes. He was torn—she could feel it. His girls needed his help, and she couldn’t stay in limbo with him anymore.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “But your girls need you.”
Sawyer moved toward the hallway this time, and when he looked back over his shoulder, she had to hold herself back from running into his arms. She’d get her bag and go find a hotel room for the night. She couldn’t leave town without talking to Brian once more, but she couldn’t wrap up her own business from here—not where her heart kept trying to settle down and make a home.
Olivia had fallen in love with Sawyer all over again... Why couldn’t she learn that this man could never be hers?
Chapter Thirteen
Olivia sat beside her bag on the hotel room bed, staring at the empty TV screen. Her heart felt like it would crack in two within her chest, and she put her hand over the spot over her breastbone as tears spilled down her cheeks.
She loved him... That had always been the problem. She’d thought she could put her feelings aside when went to school, but it hadn’t worked. She’d left him in her best friend’s arms and told herself that he wasn’t hers to care for—which had been true. But it didn’t make it any easier to cut him out of her heart.
Her life wasn’t here anymore, and she couldn’t just come back, either. She could make more in Billings to help her brother—and she could be more, and be happier with herself, there. Beaut would always be the place that had run her into the ground. Fresh starts in a town like this weren’t even possible with amnesia.
And knowing all of that...knowing that Sawyer couldn’t let himself be with her, either, didn’t change the fact that her heart was breaking. She lay down on the bed and let the tears flow. This town had broken her once before, and she’d vowed that she’d never let herself be shredded like that again. She’d known better, but somehow she’d still fallen for this man.
As she lay on the bed, her eyes drooped shut, and she fell in to a deep, empty slumber. An hour later, Olivia awoke with a parched throat. Her cell phone beside her was buzzing, and she picked it up, looking at the number. Her brother...
“Hi, Brian,” she said.
“Hey...are you okay?” Her brother’s voice lowered. “You sound like you’ve been c
rying.”
“I’m fine,” she said, pushing herself up. “I fell asleep.”
“Okay...” He didn’t sound convinced. “Is everything okay with you and Sawyer?”
“We’re friends,” she said. “We always will be.”
“You seemed like more when I saw you—”
Were her feelings for the man so obvious? She rubbed her hand over her puffy eyes. “We’re friends,” she repeated. “I don’t want to talk about that right now, okay?”
“I just wanted to let you know that I’ve sorted things out with Shari,” he said.
“Have you?” she asked hopefully.
“That pastor dropped by.”
“Oh?” She hesitated. “Are you mad?”
“Nah... His timing was good, I guess. We had a long talk. He had a lot to say about you, actually.”
“I thought he might...” She winced. “I told him how much I wanted to make up with you, and...”
“Yeah, he pointed out just how important family is, and that’s not just a religion thing. It’s a life thing, and it kind of applied to me and Shari, too. Sawyer was right that I can’t separate her from her family. And they want to make sure she’s okay—that her pregnancy is safe, and all that. They loved her before I did, so...”
“Oh, Brian...” This didn’t sound good. Was her family breaking the couple up?
“No, it’s okay,” he said quickly. “I talked to her father, and they want her to have a proper wedding. Those take time to plan. We aren’t ready for a baby, she and I, but I love her. So we’re going to slow this down. I’m going to work really hard, save up, and we’ll get married after the baby is born.”
“Oh!” Olivia smiled through her own sadness. “That’s a good idea.”
“And her dad is going to hire me at the truck yard that he owns. He needs a good mechanic, and it’ll pay better than the job I’ve got now. I can show him what I’m made of, earn his respect. I think he needs to see firsthand that I’m the kind of guy who will take care of her.”
Her brother was making some mature choices here, and she felt a wave of love for him. At least it could work out for one of them.
“That sounds like a great plan, Brian,” she said. “I’m really proud of you.”
“And...” He sighed. “You’ll like this part—Shari and I agreed to start going to church with her grandma once a month. You know—family ties and all that.”
Olivia couldn’t help but smile. “Church can’t hurt, Brian.”
“I beg to differ. Whatever,” Brian said, but his tone had softened. “Maybe it won’t be so bad. I kind of like the pastor. Besides, her grandmother is getting on in years, and this is a relationship that matters to Shari. So I can be flexible.”
“I’m glad,” she said. “And I mean it—I’m really proud.”
“Thanks. I’m going shopping for a ring this afternoon,” he said. “She deserves a proper proposal. I’m not just marrying her because of the baby, and I want her family to know that, too. A ring sends a message.”
“I think so, too,” Olivia agreed.
“Okay, well, just wanted to let you know. Thanks for being here for me. I know I’ve been hard on you, but I think it’s time I make the life I want, instead of just being mad that you had it easier.”
“Not as easy as you think,” she said quietly. “I’m still working hard to help pay that debt off. I’ve been putting some extra on top of my share of the monthly payments, you know. We’ll get rid of it, eventually.”
“The Whites won’t help?” Brian asked.
“I’m afraid not. It’s okay. We’ll just keep moving forward, right? You’ve got Shari and the baby now—let’s keep those priorities in sight. A dad has to put his kids first.”
“Yeah. And I want you to come back next month so Shari’s family can meet you. They want to have a big dinner and you’re the closest family I’ve got. Will you come?”
“Yes, of course,” she said. “I’m going back to Billings in the morning, though. I need to be in my own apartment again.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Brian asked.
“I’m sure...” She was doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances. Olivia was missing Sawyer and the way he made her feel. She was missing the toddlers, too. They’d settled right into her heart. Being in the safest place she knew wasn’t going to be enough. Not this time. “But I’ll be back for the dinner. Give me a call later and tell me when and where.”
“Thanks,” Brian said. “I’d better go. I’m standing in front of the jewelry store, so...”
“Pick something beautiful,” she said with a misty smile.
“Yeah. I will. See you.”
After saying goodbye, Olivia hung up the call and looked down at the phone in her hand. Brian would be okay...and it sounded like his new in-laws would help him learn the next steps. Waiting on that wedding wasn’t a terrible idea. Brian and Shari were both young and scared, and some family support never hurt. Mia would have given anything to have had a little bit of that...
God had worked out a reconciliation for her and Brian after all, and it hadn’t included any favors from Mia’s family. Brian had some new promise in his future and it was all happening right here in Beaut with the girl he’d fallen for. Olivia had failed in her mission for Mia’s parents, but her prayers had all been answered.
Olivia would head back to Billings in the morning like she’d said, but before she left, she had one more thing she wanted to do, and that was to visit Mia’s grave...alone. She had a few things to say to her best friend...
Olivia left her bag on the bed and grabbed her purse. Today, she’d have that time with her own grief—her memories, her dashed hopes for the future. And then she’d go back to Billings. She’d continue to make that city home, and put one foot in front of the other.
The drive to the little country church took a few minutes, and when she arrived, the sun shone low and golden. She parked her car and when she got out, she pulled her jacket a little closer around herself.
She paused at the gate to the graveyard, and looked down at that familiar verse: “Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.”
Maybe her comfort would come, too. At long last. But she was mourning more than her friend. She was mourning the man she’d fallen in love with, her own sense of safety and goodness that had been shattered in this town. She’d lost so much in the last few years, and perhaps if she could take the time to cry over a little of it, she could find some healing, too.
Olivia made her way through the gravestones toward her friend’s little flat marker, and she sank down to a crouch beside it. Tears ebbed close to the surface, but she sat there, dry-eyed.
“I wanted to come here and cry for you, Mia...” she murmured aloud.
Olivia’s heart felt empty and sodden, and as she looked at Mia’s grave, all she could think about were all those hopes for the future that they’d both shared. Life had been harder than anticipated...for all of them. But Olivia had faced those challenges. And now, she was no longer the young woman reeling from this town’s cruelty. She’d grown up and she’d toughened up.
“It’s going to be okay...” she whispered, and she realized she wasn’t talking to Mia anymore. This was for herself. It would be okay, eventually. God would bring her that promised comfort.
“Olivia?”
Olivia startled and turned to see Irene standing behind her. She was wearing the same dark pink wrap from earlier, but she looked older this afternoon. Her earlier confidence and easy smiles seemed to be gone, and the lines in her face were deeper.
“Irene...” Olivia swallowed hard and she rose to her feet. “I came to see her grave.”
“Me, too,” Irene said.
Mia’s mother probably needed space at this grave, too, and maybe it was time for Olivia to leave anyway. “I’ll gi
ve you some privacy.”
“No, that’s okay,” Irene said, and she wound her way through the other gravestones and stopped at Olivia’s side. “You should stay.”
“I understand needing some time alone with Mia,” Olivia said.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Irene said with a small shake of her head. “I’m embarrassed about earlier.”
Irene seemed more like herself out here, more like the woman Olivia had known for years. That poised, manipulative woman from earlier...what had that been?
“Sawyer’s a good man, you know,” Olivia said softly. “He’s a good father.”
Irene nodded and her chin trembled.
“He won’t give them up, either—” Olivia looked over at Irene, wondering what her plan was after this. Were they going to fight Sawyer for custody now that they knew about his injury?
“They’re my little girl’s babies,” Irene whispered. “And I lost Mia... You don’t know what it’s like to bury your child. I remember her as a newborn. It’s like yesterday that I cradled her in my arms.”
Irene wrapped her arms around herself, and Olivia slid an arm around Irene’s slim shoulders. For a long moment, the two women stood there looking down at the simple stone that commemorated the life of Mia White West.
“You can still be grandparents,” Olivia said. “You can be the ones who bring the girls gifts from the city. You can come visit and see their school recitals. You can invite them to visit you for a week in the summer—if Sawyer would allow that now...”
Irene wiped a tear from her cheek, and her next words came out with venom. “I hate this town.”
Olivia looked over at her in surprise. “What?”
“I hate this place,” Irene whispered hoarsely. “I hate it so much that it hurts. We came here to start out my husband’s political career, and it worked. He hit the ground running, but I had to give up everything to come. I had to sacrifice the life I loved in Billings, the friends, the security... And we even put Mia in a public school so that later on, no one could say that we were too privileged and didn’t understand regular people.” Her lips turned down in disgust. “And what happened? Mia fell in love with a ranch hand...” Irene squeezed her eyes shut. “I sacrificed so much, and the sacrifices just keep coming. I hate this place. I hate that my baby is buried here. I hate that my grandchildren are being raised here... This town took everything from me!”
A Rancher to Remember Page 17
