by JoAnn Durgin
She hesitated, her hand on the top envelope. Forgive me, Lord. Any of the men might come back any minute, so she needed to get on with it. Pulling out a folded piece of Marc’s impressive agency letterhead, her heart pounding, she darted a glance at the door before starting to read.
Dearest Natalie,
I need to tell you about something I’ve never talked about before. Especially because of that stupid incident with Ashley at the restaurant that ruined what should have been one of the happiest days of our lives, I need to tell you. Even if you never read this, or hear this from me, I need to write it down. Maybe it’ll help.
My dad was unfaithful to Mom. Several times over. You might already have guessed as much. He was powerful, a celebrity, good looking. I know Mom thinks I look like him. That probably hurts her, too, even though she’d never hold Dad’s indiscretions against me, but I witnessed firsthand what Dad’s infidelity did to Mom.
As God is my witness, I vow never to hurt you like that, Natalie. I couldn’t bear to see the pain of betrayal in your eyes.
Even though Mom tried to hide her hurt, I saw it. She hid behind her meetings, parties, society events, and her children. But I saw the look in her eyes the day she opened the newspaper and saw that photo of Dad with his arm around another woman, kissing her cheek. Most people looking at that photo never had a clue they weren’t looking at Dad with Mom. They probably assumed it was his wife, but we knew the truth.
I think Mom suspected, but she never really knew until that moment. I was the one who found her hunched over the breakfast table, the newspaper soaked with her tears. I’ll never forget it, Natalie. I was just a kid, but it changed me in a profound way. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I couldn’t ever bring myself to tell you about the other women I’d known before I married you.
You’re so sweet and innocent, and I’m the only man you’ve ever known. I love that about you. Natalie, you have to know I’d take back my past behavior in a heartbeat, if only I could. But the sad truth is, I can’t, but it doesn’t take away what I feel in my heart for you.
He switched gears and transitioned into a prayer. Lord, help Natalie to know in her heart that I’ve never looked at another woman since meeting her. That’s the way it’ll be until I die. I guess part of my Dad lives in me, and I got way too proud of myself when I played ball, but that’s behind me now. It was stupid. My only excuse is that I didn’t know You. Didn’t know it was wrong.
Okay, I knew it was wrong morally, but I didn’t pay attention to anything but what I wanted and my own selfish desires. In my own mind, it wasn’t the same thing as what my dad did—because I wasn’t committed in a marriage relationship, but now, things are different. You know my heart, Lord, and my deepest desire is to be with Natalie.
You gave Natalie to me. I know that. She’s the sweetest, greatest gift I’ll ever have. She’s the blessing I’ll spend the rest of my life thanking You for. I want to always make her smile like a little girl with love and joy in her eyes, her voice, her heart. And now she’s giving me a child. What an awesome responsibility.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve her, and now another human being. Hopefully, this child will only be the first of many. A child with Natalie’s gorgeous face and intelligence, and maybe some of my business sense and dogged determination. I promise I’ll never let Natalie or my family down the way Dad let us down. I’ll probably make a lot of mistakes—maybe some pretty big ones—but I’ll never purposely tear down my family. Still, I’m human, and need Your help. Keep my eyes on the straight and narrow. Help keep my mind focused, my thoughts and eyes pure, and my sole purpose and heart’s desire set on keeping myself and my family strong. May Natalie and I never lose sight of what’s most precious in this life—the love we share, because You first loved us, Lord.
Natalie’s cheeks were damp with tears she didn’t bother wiping away as she pressed the letter to her chest. Her tears had fallen on the letter, smearing the ink just like Marc’s mom’s tears on that fateful newspaper photo. He’d been afraid to tell her about his dad’s infidelities, but from what he’d written, he’d learned much from his dad’s mistakes.
When Marc told her he’d never betray her trust, he must have been thinking of the ultimate pain his mom suffered because of his dad’s betrayal. No wonder his feelings toward his dad were so bittersweet. Natalie’s heart ached with newfound respect for his mom. For any woman to withstand adultery from her husband with such grace and dignity was an incredible testament of her inner courage and steadfastness. Sure, she could be flaky and temperamental sometimes, but she’d carried on and raised Marc and his sister as best she could as a single parent. They’d both turned out to be strong, independent, intelligent people, worthy of her respect, admiration, and her love.
Folding the letter, Natalie slipped it back into its envelope. There were more letters, but she didn’t need to read them. Perhaps Dr. Fontaine encouraged Marc to write down his thoughts and feelings as a cathartic exercise, never intended for her eyes, but, somehow, she suspected the Lord wanted her to read this particular one. The baby fluttered. Great timing. Rising carefully from the bed, one hand on her stomach, she smiled. Unwittingly, her husband had given her the most beautiful, heartfelt birthday gift she could ever receive.
~~**~~
“Marc.” She hadn’t slept well, counting the hours until she could go find him again. With deep circles under her eyes, Natalie knew she couldn’t look good, but seeing him sent shivers through her, and it wasn’t from the cold.
I do love him, Lord.
Marc turned from talking with some of the other men gathered outside the men’s cabin. Seeing her, his eyes softened, but he didn’t smile.
“I need to speak with you. Alone.” She didn’t think the men could move so fast, but every single one of them scampered off in the direction of the dining hall without speaking. It’s as if they all knew instinctually where to go as they headed out together like a silent herd of sheep. And, of course, they headed straight for the food. Well, it was time for breakfast, and she’d purposely planned it that way.
“Let’s go inside,” Marc said. Reaching around her, he opened the door of the cabin as snow fell all around them. Coming inside behind her, he closed the door hard, shutting out the cold.
Facing him, Natalie slowly removed her right glove and picked up his hand. He watched with a puzzled expression. Placing his hand on her stomach, she put hers over it, holding it steady. Marc didn’t question, didn’t say anything. His blue-eyed gaze swept over her—from the top of her head, to her forehead, down to her cheeks, and then to her nose before settling on her lips. It was as intimate as a kiss. Her husband loved her with his eyes, and it shot a bolt of fire straight through her. It didn’t take long to feel the baby fluttering. Good girl. Marc’s eyes lit with excitement.
“Is that . . . ?” She couldn’t miss the catch in his throat.
“That’s our baby saying hello to her daddy for the very first time. Her father the hero.”
Marc shook his head, and his hand fell to his side. “I was so scared, Natalie. The Lord gave me the strength. I couldn’t have done it otherwise. I’m too weak, as you know.” His tone held not a trace of bitterness.
“No,” she said, shaking her head, “you’re not weak at all.” A tear dropped onto her cheek. Another tear escaped and slid down her cheek, dropping to the floor.
“May I?” Marc asked quietly, stepping closer. “Will you let me?”
Natalie nodded while the tears continued to fall. When he bundled her in his arms, she leaned into them, feeling more at home than she had since her fall. She belonged with this man, in his arms. More importantly, it’s where she wanted and needed to be. He kissed her cheek, his soft, warm lips tracing the trail of tears before repeating the same achingly sweet ritual on the other side.
“We loved each other enough to make a baby, Natalie. Now we need to love each other enough to raise our child . . . together. Please don’t punish me for my past. I love
you and only you, and that’s all that matters. I’ll be faithful to you for the rest of my natural born life. That’s a promise to you and our baby. I can only pray you believe me.”
The tears were flowing freely from his eyes, too, as he looked at her with all the love, and the sadness, in his heart. Her husband was crying, and that in itself was one of the most precious things for her heart. It was healing for both of them, and a promise for their shared future.
It was a gift. Thank you, Lord.
“Shhh . . .” she whispered, brushing blond bangs away from his eyes. His hair was getting longer, and curled slightly on the ends. She liked it. It made him seem younger, and somehow more vulnerable. Her hand lingered on his cheek for a moment, and he leaned into her touch. Pulling his head toward hers, she returned the favor and very slowly kissed the wet trail of her husband’s tears. When he started to wipe away a tear, she removed his hand, replacing it with her lips.
“Let me. You know,” she whispered, holding his face between her hands, leaning her forehead against his chin, “beneath all your bravado, Marc Thompson, you’ve got a very emotional heart. Thank you for not being afraid to cry, not being afraid to open your heart. That in itself is a very precious gift, you know.”
It wasn’t until much later Natalie remembered she hadn’t told Marc she believed him. But surely he knew. Somewhere deep within his heart, he had to know.
Chapter 35
The evening devotions centered on the attributes of God, and how His abundant grace flows through His own. “Every single day of my life, I’m impressed how the Lord is watching over me and providing for my needs in truly awesome ways.” Slipping on his glasses and opening his Bible, Sam surveyed the volunteers gathered around the fireplace in the main house. “The Lord has blessed me by bringing people into my life who accept me unquestioningly, without pretense.” He looked straight at Lexa. “His graciousness encompasses and transcends more than personal relationships and friendships. His grace comes to us in unexpected ways. In the form of a child placing her hand in yours.” Sam’s eyes found Marc’s. “Or in the form of a job that gives you more personal fulfillment and satisfaction than you ever dreamed possible. Or when a lost soul asks questions about salvation and offers you an unbelievable opportunity to share the Savior’s love.”
He read a few verses of Scripture and they prayed together. “In closing,” Sam told them, “when God sent His Son to die upon a cross, covering our sins, it was His ultimate act of grace. And our job is to accept that grace so freely bestowed on us. We didn’t earn it, we didn’t deserve it, and yet He loved us enough. We need to grow with it, learn from it, and share it.” Sam smiled and removed his glasses, tucking them in his shirt pocket. “It’s in our hearts every single day, and it’s what we choose to do with His grace that makes our lives significant—for ourselves and others.”
“You know, Natalie, I’ve experienced God’s grace in new and unique ways since we’ve been here in Montana,” Marc told her as they walked together a short time later. Elwood pranced around on his leash between them. It was a brisk, cold night, but the wind had eased somewhat, making it less bitter. Either that or the fact that Natalie was thawing and warming toward him, increasing his internal temperature.
“Go on. I’m listening,” she said with a gentle smile.
Taking a chance, he reached his hand to her. Hesitating only a moment, still smiling, Natalie placed her hand in his. It was covered in her warm, woolen glove. “It’s good to be here, out of my so-called comfort zone. I know the Lord’s trying to teach me some things and, for once—and maybe because I’m physically and geographically removed from the agency—I’m listening.” He laughed a little. “I’m finally open to listening.”
“Kind of like removing the source of temptation?”
Curious choice of words. “I suppose that’s true. When I’m at the agency, I’m the top gun. But, being here, I can see I’m no top gun.” Shaking his head, Marc chuckled. “I’m a man with some decent business sense. God allowed me to build my agency into what it is today, but there’s no way on earth I could have done it without His help. It’s when I start thinking with my pride that He knocks me down every time.”
“I know how difficult that must be for you,” Natalie said quietly. “Relinquishing control.” It was true. Amnesia or not, she knew him pretty well. She squeezed his hand tighter. “I’m proud of you, Marc. If you want to check your messages, I’ll understand. Really, I will. You sacrificed a lot to leave the agency for two weeks and come here.” She graced him with an enchanting smile. “It’s true what I told Sam and Lexa at the restaurant after they picked us up at the airport. You are a man to be admired. Very much.”
He desperately wanted to kiss her. Instead, he started walking again, making sure she was beside him, studying her lovely profile. Maybe it was the cold weather, maybe her pregnancy, but she was positively radiant. Stepping to the side of the women’s cabin, he took both her hands in his. “Since we’ve been here, I’ve also realized something else.”
Her face, so beautiful, upturned to his as her eyes roamed over his face in a slow, luxurious path. “What’s that?” Her voice was quiet, curious.
“God graced me with you. You, Natalie, are the gift I’ll forever be thankful for, and now, you’re giving me a child. He could have taken you in that horrible fall, but He didn’t. I realize that’s a selfish attitude, but I . . .” He stared at the ground, moving his feet to keep warm before meeting her eyes again. “I’m counting on that same grace to bring you back to me, whether or not you remember everything from before. It’s enough. His grace is sufficient.”
Natalie’s eyes glistened as she put her gloved hand on the side of his face, like she had in the cabin. It touched him somewhere deep inside. No other woman had ever affected him the way she did. His intent in bringing Natalie to Montana was for her to fall in love with him again, but it was also working the other way around.
“You’re an incredible man.”
“I have another confession.” Natalie’s eyes grew wide, and she started to withdraw her hand, but he caught it, holding tight. “This isn’t anything you need to worry about.”
“Okay, but maybe you’d better tell me quick.” The beginnings of a frown creased her forehead. Now he’d worried her, and that wasn’t his intention.
With one hand, he smoothed her brow. “Your fall was my fall from grace. In some ways, I found my grace because of it, sweetheart.”
She was quiet a long moment, her eyes canvassing his face. “Are you saying it was a good thing?”
He laughed a little. “Not sure I’d go that far.” Those rosebud lips parted, inviting him. He planted a soft, sweet kiss. Not wanting to tempt or tease her, he withdrew quickly. His lips grazed her temple as he whispered, “I’d say it was a God thing.” Her skin was warm, and his sigh was deep with longing as he regained his equilibrium.
“You know what your problem is, Marc?”
His heart in his throat, he shook his head, not capable of words. He hoped she wasn’t trying to pick a fight because he wasn’t up to it tonight. The gleam in her eyes told him otherwise.
“You’ve put me on a pedestal, and there’s no way I’ll measure up to your ideal of the perfect woman. The perfect wife.” Natalie shook her head. “Might as well get over it now, or I’m afraid you’ll be sorely disappointed.”
Marc laughed and rubbed his hand over his cheek. “You’re close to perfection. Except when you’re spitting mad. Even then, you’re pretty cute.”
“Here,” she said, handing over Elwood’s leash with a smile, “I think you should take our furry friend tonight.”
“Thanks.” Marc glanced down at the little dog. “I’m working on being an even better man for you, Natalie.” Raising her gloved hand, he planted another kiss.
“Oh, I think you’re pretty special just the way you are.”
Not hearing the door of the cabin creak behind him as he walked away, Marc knew Natalie watched, but he didn’t da
re look back as a wide smile creased his lips.
Chapter 36
Glasses in place once again, Sam opened his Bible to begin the short devotional the next evening. Listening to the passages of scripture, Marc shook his head, laughing under his breath, but he heard every word. Stealing glances across the room at Natalie, he could tell she was equally amused. When he winked, it brought that lovely flush to her cheeks. They’d been flirting with each other all day, and it was incredible.
Exhausted from another long day working the ranch, most of the crew headed back to the cabins almost immediately after the devotions. Leaving with the ladies, Natalie gave him an almost shy smile and a small wave. It started his heart pumping fast, enough to keep him warm.
Sam walked alongside him. The night was still and quiet as the snow crunched beneath their heavy boots. “Song of Solomon? Subtlety is not your strong suit.” With a slight snort, Marc tossed him a sidelong glance. “I take it that message was for my benefit.”
“I hate to break it to you, but the world doesn’t revolve around you.” Sam laughed. “Okay, I’ll admit I thought you and Natalie needed to hear a biblical example of a deep, abiding love. I can tell you’re both ready for it.” Sam stopped, inhaling the fresh air into his lungs. “Just like the air here in Montana, it does us all good to hear about love. Speaking from experience, I can tell you the love between a man and woman is truly one of God’s greatest and most awesome blessings.”
“Well, I’ll hand it to you. Song of Solomon is about as graphic as it gets in describing physical love within the framework of marriage.” Marc crossed his arms over his chest. “All I’m saying is, congratulations.”
Sam tilted his head to one side, a mischievous glint in those blue eyes. The smile lines deepened considerably. “I may regret asking this, but for what?”
