by Amy Ruttan
“You’re so good at guilt.”
A small smile played around Regina’s lips. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. I was worried.”
“You were worried? You were too busy dancing.” Erica mimicked Regina’s terrible but endearing moves.
Regina rolled her eyes. “Come on. I don’t get out much.”
“It’s apparent.”
“I still don’t know how that song started.”
“Some poor seamen who had had too much to drink.” Erica set her purse down on the counter in her kitchen and went to get a glass of water. Regina laughed. “And why didn’t you jump in?”
“Oh, I was in the middle of talking to Thorne.” And then she cursed under her breath, realizing she’d said “Thorne” to Regina instead of calling him Captain Wilder. Dang.
“Who?”
“Captain Wilder.”
“So we’re on a first-name basis with Captain Wilder, now, eh?”
“Shut up.” Erica took a big swig of water, trying to ignore Regina who was smugly dancing around the kitchen.
“I knew it. I knew something was up. You were with him, right?”
“Yes.”
“You are such a bad liar!” Regina exclaimed. “I so knew you two had chemistry floating around. Why else would you dive behind a bush to avoid someone? You’ve never hid from anyone or anything before. Tell me everything!”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
Liar.
There was a lot to tell, but it was stuff she wasn’t sure she wanted to share at this moment because she wasn’t exactly sure of how she was feeling herself. When she’d come here and seen that her commanding officer was Thorne, she’d been worried that she would be too weak to resist him. She didn’t want another relationship. That was what she kept telling herself. It became a broken record in her head.
And, just like any song you heard over and over, the broken record had become nothing more than background noise when Thorne took her in his arms and kissed her. Now she didn’t know what to do with all these emotions swirling around inside.
She was torn and frightened.
“Come on, there has to be something going on. You’re sneaking into the house in the middle of the night.” Regina looked her up and down. “You reek of guilt.”
Erica rolled her eyes. “How can I reek of guilt?”
Regina leaned forward and sniffed. “Okay, not guilt, but cologne or something very manly. Unless you’ve taken to wearing men’s deodorant.”
“You know what? I have.” Erica set the glass in the sink. “I’m kind of tired. I think I’m going to hit the hay. I have a long duty-shift tomorrow.”
“Erica, it’s okay to admit you like this guy.”
“No, it’s not. You know my story. You know what happened to me before. I was in a relationship with my commanding officer before the Hope, and I thought he loved me, but he didn’t. Not the way I loved him and so I broke it off. I was the one that was isolated. I was the one who was getting the crummy shifts. I was the one passed up for commendation and promotions. I was the one he reported as mentally unstable. It’s why I left.”
“I thought you didn’t want a relationship because of your mom losing your dad.”
Erica sighed and leaned against the counter. “That’s part of it, but not really. I saw what my father’s service did to his marriage and his family, but that didn’t stop me from serving. That didn’t stop me from proving to everyone that I was a good officer too. I stepped out of my father’s shadow long before my relationship with Captain Seaton.”
Regina nodded. “Okay, so your holdup is not your parents’ marriage, but being burned by a lover?”
“I guess so. See, before I was hurt I thought my perfect match would be someone who served in the same capacity as me. My mother was not in the Armed Forces.”
“Erica, you had one bad relationship. Who doesn’t?”
“Has a former lover almost ruined your reputation and career by calling you mentally unstable?”
Regina bit her lip. “Well, no.”
“Then you’re not an authority.”
“Look, we’ve all been hurt by love before we found that perfect someone. I think that Thorne is your perfect someone.”
“And how would you know that? You’ve met him once.”
Regina shrugged her shoulders. “I just know. I’m quite intuitive and you’ve said that countless times. I have it on record.”
Erica chuckled. “Intuitive in your job.”
“Well, it counts for knowing good relationships too.”
“There’s no relationship. He doesn’t want one either.”
“How do you know?”
“He told me.”
Regina frowned and pursed her lips together. “I don’t buy that. I think you should talk to him about your feelings.”
“What feelings?” She would have got away with that except she blushed. There were feelings there; she just wasn’t sure she was ready to admit those feelings. Not yet.
When?
And that was the conundrum she was in. She was being a coward and she hated that. Erica wasn’t a coward.
“I don’t know why you’re trying to deny them.” Regina sighed. “Whatever you do, you have to tell him.”
“I’m telling you, he doesn’t want anything more than what we had tonight, Regina.”
“Do you know that with one-hundred-percent certainty?”
No, she couldn’t. She really didn’t know how Thorne was feeling. Maybe he’d just been saying those things to get her between the sheets, maybe not. Damn it, she didn’t have time for this. A relationship was not on the cards for her.
She wasn’t going to put her heart on the line again.
Career was all that mattered. She just wanted to keep advancing until she commanded a posting of her own.
Relationships, love, family: they just tied you down.
You’re lonely.
Lonely or not, it wasn’t an excuse to go out and just marry the first guy you came across so you could get those two kids you’d secretly been longing for, which would put a strain on the marriage, which would eventually result in divorce because that significant other didn’t get your passion, your drive.
Her head began to pound.
“I’m going to bed. Good night, Regina.” Erica turned to leave, but Regina stopped her. “Regina, I’m really tired.”
“I know. Look, I’m sorry.” Regina gave her a hug. “I just want you to be happy. I saw the way you two looked at each other, and I think it’s mutual, but until one of you opens up nothing is going to happen. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I think you two are perfect for each other.”
I think so too.
“I can’t open up, Regina. I just can’t.” She gave her friend another hug. “I’m going to get some sleep. Should I wake you to say goodbye before I go to work?”
“Yes,” Regina said. “Or I’ll kick your butt.”
Erica grinned. “Just think, in a few days you’ll be on a leave with Rick in San Diego.”
“Not just a leave.”
“Oh?”
“I’m going to take a job at a private clinic in San Diego. Rick and I are trying.”
“For a baby?” Erica asked surprised.
“Yep.”
“So you won’t be going back on the Hope?”
Regina shook her head. “Nope. This was my last run.”
“So that’s why you’re trying to fix me up. You’re trying to make sure I’m taken care of before you head for the public sector.”
“You got it. I will succeed.”
“Keep thinking that.”
“I’m glad I got to see you. Perhaps Rick will get stationed in Okinawa. If not, I’ll come visit.”
“You better.”
Regina smiled. “Go sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Erica nodded and took herself off to bed, but she doubted she’d get any sleep, and she was right. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she roll
ed over on her right and stared at the empty spot beside her.
The emptiness had never bothered her before, but now it did. She was very aware how empty her bed was and she was mad at herself for caring.
She was mad at herself for wanting something she knew she couldn’t have.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“GOOD MORNING,” THORNE WHISPERED, his breath fanning against her neck. She didn’t even hear him come up behind her. She was busy charting after an early-morning shift in the ER. Even though they were alone, she felt uncomfortable that he was so close, making the butterflies in her stomach flutter.
She cleared her throat and rubbed her neck, shifting away slightly. “Good morning, Captain.”
“Formalities?”
“Yes.” Her cheeks flamed with heat. “We are on duty, after all.”
“Good point. My apologies, Commander. What happened while I was off duty?”
“There was a motor vehicle collision. Minor. One went to surgery with Lieutenant Drew.” She handed the chart to Thorne.
“Why?” he asked, flipping through the pages.
“Spleen was bleeding too much. Lieutenant Drew is performing a splenectomy as we speak.” She glanced at his watch. “Barring complications, he should be finished soon.”
Thorne nodded. “Anything else?”
“Seven people with a cold, and a couple crewmen of the Hope stumbled in for help easing their hangovers before they boarded.” She shook her head. “It was like a flash mob last night at Scooby’s, a really inappropriate flash mob.”
Thorne pulled out his phone and pulled up the web. “It was, in fact.”
Erica leaned over to see the video from Scooby’s, the choreographed movements to the song. “Pretty impressive for a bunch of drunkards.”
“I know. Scooby was quite happy he got to film it.” Thorne’s eyes twinkled.
Erica laughed. “I bet he was. That man is obsessed with pop culture.”
“Who?” Bunny asked, appearing behind the charge desk.
Erica jumped back from Thorne and cleared her throat again as she stared at the chart. “Sachiho.”
Bunny cocked an eyebrow. “Who?”
“Scooby,” Thorne interjected. “There was a bit of a scene of the weird kind last night at Scooby’s bar.”
Bunny chuckled. “When isn’t there?”
“Is there something I can help you with, Bunny?” Erica asked, hoping that she could throw herself into busywork.
“Nope. I’m just about to head out. My shift is over.” Bunny put the last of her charts away. “Have a good day, Commander and Captain.”
Bunny left the two of them standing there at the charge desk alone.
“Why did that feel awkward?” Thorne asked.
“I have no idea.”
Only she did. Well, at least she knew why she was feeling awkward, because she didn’t want to be alone with Thorne again. Only, that was ridiculous. She was going to be alone with him again. Sex had changed it.
Your feelings for him, too.
“I thought you were going to watch some SEALs train down at the aquatic center?” she asked, trying to sound nonchalant and failing.
“I might yet.”
“What test is it?”
“Drown proofing. The next week there will be several rounds of it.”
“Oh, that test looks brutal. I’ve seen it.”
“It’s hard-core. Though, I can’t really demonstrate it anymore. I was pretty darn good at it, though.” He smiled to himself.
“I’m sure you were. You swam in open water with an infected leg wound.”
The smile disappeared. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up. You don’t like talking about it, do you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t like to dwell on the past. I can’t change it. Just got to keep one foot in front of the other and move forward; the future hasn’t been written.”
“So you don’t believe things are predestined?”
He shook his head. “Nope and, if they were, I’d have to have some words with someone about the rough end of the stick I got a few times—and I’m not just talking about my leg.”
Erica smiled. “I understand.”
“Well, I better check on the lieutenant’s surgery. Make sure the splenectomy is going smoothly and we don’t lose the patient.”
“I’ll see you later.”
“I hope so.” He turned and left her standing there with her charts. She watched him walk away. There was just a slight limp to his gait, but he was still that strong, Navy SEAL Special Ops officer who had begged her not to take his leg.
There were so many admirable things about him. Also there were many annoying things about him. Maybe Scooby was right. They were too volatile together. That was what Scooby had told Thorne and Thorne had told her.
What does Scooby know? He has green shag carpet on his ceilings and walls.
“I saw the way he looked at you and the way you looked at him.”
Erica shook Regina’s words from her head. They were the last words Regina had said to Erica before she’d walked back up the gang plank to board the Hope. Erica had had a break and had gone outside to watch as the Hope sailed east towards the States. She’d wished for a moment she was back on the ship headed for San Diego.
Not that she knew any one besides Regina and Rick in San Diego, but it was the gateway to a new port of call. Headquarters. It was one thing she’d loved about serving on the Hope. Every day was something new and exciting, but she’d only been able to go so far on the ship.
Here in Okinawa or another similar base she could rise above her current rank. That was, if she didn’t mess it up by sleeping with her commanding officer.
Oh, wait: she had done that.
Erica pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. No, she couldn’t let this escalate any further.
They’d shared one night of passion and that was all it could be.
Keep telling yourself that.
Her phone pinged with an email. She glanced down and saw it was from Admiral Greer. Confused as to why the admiral would be emailing, she opened it, reading it quickly. She almost dropped her phone and had to read the email again, her hands were shaking so bad.
All her hard work was about to pay off as her dream post was offered to her.
All she had to do now was tell Thorne she was leaving.
* * *
You’re here to see SEAL training. That’s it.
It was the end of the week of SEAL training and she was coming to watch that and not tell Thorne that she’d accepted a new posting at Annapolis in Maryland.
The email from Admiral Greer had been to promote her from commander to captain and offer her a position at the prestigious school. Her dream position. She’d said yes without a second thought. Now she had to tell Thorne and she was positive he’d understand.
At least that was what she kept trying to tell herself, but she wasn’t a good liar. Even she didn’t believe herself.
She’d always wanted to go and work at the United States Naval Academy. She’d be training medical corp recruits. It was something she’d always dreamed of, but the opportunity had never presented itself. After that fiasco in Rhode Island she’d never thought it would, to be honest.
Now it had, she had to jump at the chance. Even if it meant leaving Thorne behind.
He didn’t make any promises. Neither did you.
This was her career. Love had screwed it up before and she couldn’t let that happen again. No matter how much she wanted to stay with him.
The last time she’d chosen love over career it had burned her. Seriously burned her. And that hadn’t even been love. That had just been lust.
With Thorne it was different. They connected.
And now she was leaving.
He’ll understand.
If the situation was reversed, he would jump at the opportunity.
She snuck into the aquatic center and took a seat in the
bleachers. The trainees were in the water doing their drown proofing, which consisted of bottom bouncing, floating and various retrievals. The test usually exhausted the swimmer, but also prepared them for rigorous missions.
Thorne was walking along the edge of the pool with another instructor. She could tell by the way he paced on the deck that he wanted to be in there with them, but couldn’t.
He turned away from the testers and looked up at her.
Damn it.
She wasn’t ready for this. Blood rushed to her cheeks as he headed in her direction, up the few stairs to where she was sitting.
“Erica, what’re you doing here?”
“I’ve never witnessed this particular test. I thought it might be interesting to watch.”
He smiled and then sat down on the bench next to her. “You just came off an extremely long shift. I know because I scheduled it. You should be at home sleeping.”
“I’m a bit tired, but I had to come see this.” She looked closer. “I thought their hands are tied?”
“They will be; the instructor is just acclimatizing them, getting them ready for the test. These guys are pretty green. Besides, the instructor will pull them out of the water, freeze them out a bit.”
“I bet they’ll freeze.”
“Get them used to hypothermia, but not really. This is a controlled environment and they won’t be out of the water that long.” And just as he said the words a whistle echoed and the trainees clambered out of the water as fast as they could. When they were standing to attention, that was when the instructors begin to tie the trainees’ hands together.
“I thought my training at Annapolis was difficult,” she muttered under her breath.
“You have to be tough to go on the kind of missions these men could go on.”
“I don’t doubt that. It’s why I never even contemplated becoming a SEAL. I just wanted to be in the Medical Corp. Going the officer route helped pay for that training.”
“That’s how I originally started,” Thorne said a bit wistfully as he stared down at the group of ten seamen, dripping and trying not to shiver on the pool deck.
“What made you go into the SEALs?”
“The death of my twin brother.” There was a sadness to his voice. One she was familiar with. One she had used herself when talking about her father. It was pain.
