by Amy Ruttan
Her eyes narrowed and she looked at him, but wouldn’t speak to him.
“You’re at ease, Commander.”
Erica relaxed her posture. “Can I help you, Captain?”
“I need to speak with you. Privately.”
“I don’t think that’s wise, Captain. I think everything has been said.”
“Please.”
Erica sighed and picked up her rucksack, following Thorne into a small exam room. She shut the door behind her.
“What do you need to talk to me about? Whatever it is, make it quick. I’m catching the next transport back to the US.”
“I know. I wanted to apologize.”
“Apologize.”
“I was out of line. You’re right; the John Doe lost his arm. There was no way to salvage it.”
Erica frowned. “I’m sorry that it couldn’t be saved. I am.”
Thorne nodded and then reached into his lab coat pocket for the small package he’d been carrying around since before she’d been leaving. Maybe because on some certain level he always knew she’d leave. “There was no excuse for my behavior. I wanted to clear the air before you left and give you this.”
Erica glanced at the box with trepidation. “What is it?”
“Open it.”
She shook her head and handed it back to him. “I can’t accept this.”
“You can. It’s just a token, a reminder of your month here in Okinawa Prefecture.”
Erica opened the box and pulled out the tiny bottle full of sand. “Sand?”
“It’s from Iriomote Island, a bit of a distance from here, but it’s hoshizuna—also known as star sand.”
A brief smile passed on her face. “Thank you.”
“Good luck.”
She paused and then nodded. “Thank you, Captain.”
Say something.
Only Thorne couldn’t express what he wanted to say to her. He couldn’t tell her how he felt; he just stood there frozen, numb, as she picked up her rucksack and turned to open the door. He moved quickly and held his hand against the door.
“Thorne, what’re you doing?” she demanded. “I’ll miss my transport.”
“Stay,” he said. “I’m sorry for kicking you out of my OR. That won’t happen again. Just stay.”
“Why should I?” she asked.
“You’re my second in command. The best I’ve had since I took this posting.”
“That’s the only reason? Because I’m a good commander?”
No. That’s not the only reason.
“Yes.”
She shook her head. “I can’t stay, Thorne. I’m being promoted to captain and to a position I’ve dreamed about holding for a long time. I’m sorry, but I have to go.”
“What more do you want from me?” he snapped. “I can’t give you any more than that. If you were expecting something more after our night together, I made it very clear.”
“As did I,” she said. “I should’ve known better than get involved with a commanding officer again.”
“I’m not that man.”
“You basically questioned my judgment in that OR.”
“I apologized for that!” Thorne shouted. “What more do you want from me, Erica?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing I want or need from you. Let me go, and please don’t damage my professional reputation.”
He clenched his fists. “Do you think I would damage your career out of spite?”
“You’re not the first. It took me a long time to earn back what shred of respect I have and now I’m finally getting the promotion I deserve. I won’t let anyone take that away from me.”
“You obviously don’t know me.”
“I thought I did.”
“You don’t because you must think so little of me to think that I would stoop to Captain Seaton’s level.”
The blood drained from her face. “I never mentioned his name before.”
“The name of your former commanding officer is on your record and, since I know you didn’t have an affair with Dayton, I put two and two together. You really get around with your commanding officers, don’t you?”
The sting of her slap rocked him. He deserved it. What he’d said was out of line and totally inappropriate.
“Goodbye, Captain Wilder.”
And this time he didn’t stop her from leaving.
He’d severed the tie and let her go.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
IT WAS BEST to let her go.
Was it?
No, it wasn’t. Erica had been gone a week and he missed her. The guilt ate at him for the things he’d said to her. It made him angry when he thought about it. If Liam had heard him speak that way he would’ve beat his butt. Day to day he just moved through the motions; sometimes he wasn’t aware of the passing of the day. Another mistake he’d made, and he had to live with it, but it was difficult.
Things she’d brought alive were dull and gray in comparison now. He went to Scooby’s every night and all he could hear was her laughter above the noise. When he glanced at the green shag carpet in the Jungle Room, and saw the booth they’d shared, his stomach would knot up.
And the pineapple pizza… He couldn’t stomach it.
“You miss her.”
Scooby had said that numerous times, but Thorne had never deigned to respond to him. He was trying to ignore the obvious, because if he ignored it, if he pretended it hadn’t happened, then it wouldn’t hurt so much.
The pain would go away.
Yeah, right.
Her quarters were still empty, waiting on the next commanding officer to take over. He walked by them daily, thinking about how she’d opened up to him about why she couldn’t be in a relationship and he’d said nothing at all.
Just kept her out, because he’d thought it would be for the best.
A quick break.
Only, no matter how he tried to purge her from his system, he couldn’t. She’d haunted him for five years before she’d come to the base. Now that he knew her, now that he’d touched, kissed and caressed the woman of his fantasies, he couldn’t expel her to the dark corners of his mind.
She wasn’t just a memory to look back on fondly. She was everywhere, even in his flesh. There was no way he could purge her from his system and he didn’t want to.
Erica was so much more and he was too obtuse to see that.
“You look deep in thought,” Scooby remarked, setting down a beer.
“What?” Thorne glanced around and didn’t even realize that his walk had led him to Scooby’s place or that he’d sat down at the bar. He rubbed his face and groaned.
“I said you look deep in thought, but not anymore. Sorry for interrupting your thoughts, Captain, but you looked a bit like a zombie.”
“As long as I wasn’t moaning.” Thorne took a quick swig of beer, but it was flat in his mouth.
“How can I help you, Captain? I hate seeing you walking around here like some deretto fool.”
“Deretto?”
“Love-struck.”
Thorne snorted. “Who said I was love-struck?”
“The expression on your face speaks volumes. I may be old, Captain Wilder, but I’m not blind. You were in love with her.”
“No. I’m not.” Only he was, but he didn’t deserve her. Because someone who was in love with someone didn’t hurt them the way he’d hurt her. They didn’t deserve to have a happy ending. He didn’t deserve love.
“You’re pulling my leg, Captain. You love Commander Griffin and she loves you.”
Thorne chuckled. “She doesn’t love me. Well, she may have, but not anymore. Not after the way I hurt her.”
“Hurt her? What did you do to her?”
“I said some things I regret and she left.” He touched the side of his face where she’d slapped him a week ago. It still hurt.
After he’d talked to the Navy SEALs about the John Doe, he’d gone out to arrange their transport and had seen Erica heading across the tarmac. Without thin
king, he’d run after her, calling her name. She’d turned and looked, but ignored him as she boarded the plane.
He deserved it.
He didn’t deserve her.
“You said things to her? What kind of things?”
“It doesn’t matter. She’s gone.”
Scooby reached across the bar and gave him a quick smack upside the head. “Baka!”
“What? Why did you do that?”
“Idiot. You’re an idiot, Captain Wilder.” Scooby shook his head and uttered a few more choice swear words in Japanese. Probably all of which meant Thorne was an idiot or worse.
“What the heck have I done to you lately, Scooby?”
“Fuzakeru na! Stop being stupid, Captain Wilder. Go after her.”
“Who?”
That earned him another cuff around the head and another oath in his direction. “Commander Griffin. You need to go to Minneapolis and get her back.”
“You mean Annapolis.”
“Isn’t it the same?”
“No.”
Scooby shrugged. “I’ve heard of Minneapolis. I’ve been to Minneapolis. Where is Annapolis?”
“Maryland.”
“And that’s not near Minneapolis?”
Thorne shook his head. “No.”
“Then you need to go there. Tell her how you feel and apologize for your obtuseness. Apologize for driving her away, like you’ve always driven away people who try to become close to you.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Fuzakeru na! Of course it’s simple. You love her, don’t you?”
Yes. Still, he couldn’t say it out loud.
He’d been hiding it from himself for so long, trying to suppress it, but, yes, he loved her. He was in love with Erica and he was an idiot for letting her go.
For so long he’d fought love, but maybe it was worth the risk. It was better than living a numbed existence. Still, he didn’t deserve it. Not after what he’d done to Liam.
Liam never blamed you. Liam would want you to be happy. Stop blaming yourself.
But it was hard to let go of years of blame.
Tyler.
It went off like a lightbulb. Tyler had come to him a couple of years ago to apologize for his mistake which had cost Thorne his leg.
It had torn Tyler up inside to know he was responsible.
Thorne had sat him down and told Tyler that it wasn’t his fault and that he didn’t blame Tyler for the loss of his leg. It was part of serving. Thorne had told Tyler to let go of his guilt and get on with his life.
Yet, he hadn’t done that.
He was a hypocrite.
The John Doe had been disappointed that he’d lost an arm and could no longer serve, but he’d put a positive spin on it.
“At least my wife will be glad that I’ll be home permanently.”
Even the John Doe had someone waiting for him. Liam had had a wife and two beautiful kids. Neither of them had been afraid of serving their country and coming home to their families. Why was he so scared?
“I can’t just leave my command. I have to arrange for a leave.”
“Bah, you’re making excuses.”
“I’m not making excuses.” He closed his eyes. “Maybe I am, Scooby. I don’t know why I’m so…”
“Afraid?” Scooby shook his head. “Love, it sucks. It’s hard and painful, but it’s worth it.”
“I’ve always said you’re a man of many layers, Scooby.”
He nodded. “Well, when you own a bar where a lot of different armed forces personnel move through, you pick up the odd thing. You all think the same thing: you’re not afraid to lay down your life for your country, but when it comes to matters of the heart a lot of you are a bit more hesitant. Love is a powerful thing.”
“Is it only the men?” Thorne asked.
“No, it’s not. Commander Griffin is scared. I know she is. You two are the same and I believe I told you that when she first arrived here. You two are so volatile.”
“I don’t think you quite know what volatile means.”
Scooby cursed under his breath. “Bah, you know what I mean. You two are both hotheaded, stubborn officers. You’ll rub each other the wrong way, but you’re meant to be together. Nobody else can put up with you.”
“I’ll arrange for a replacement and a transport.”
“Good! You do that, Captain. Make the arrangements and go.”
“And if she still doesn’t want me?”
Scooby shrugged. “Then it’s her loss, but at least you’ll have closure.”
“Thanks, Scooby. I think.” Thorne set money down on the counter. “Though, you do know ‘volatile’ means something explosive?”
“Exactly my point, Captain. Now, get out of here.”
Thorne chuckled. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” Scooby moved down the bar, muttering under his breath.
Even though he didn’t deserve Erica, even though he’d messed it all up, he was going to try. He was brave enough to find out the answer—and if it was yes. If she loved him, he’d make it up to her even if it took him the rest of his life.
One month later, Annapolis, Maryland.
* * *
Erica had been paged by the recruitment office, something about a new plebe for the medical corps that they were eager to have at Annapolis.
She wasn’t sure why they needed her there, but since it came from Admiral Greer she wasn’t going to question anything, even though she was just about to head into class. Thankfully her second in command could take over the class while she dealt with this special request.
As she moved across the grounds, the trees were just starting to bloom with the first sign of spring and the red tulips in the center green were waving slightly in the warm breeze. It was familiar and, even though she was by the sea, she kind of missed being in Japan.
She absolutely loved her new position at Annapolis, but often there were times her mind drifted back to Okinawa.
There’d been a difference in the air there and it had been nice to see palm trees and white beaches. Not that Maryland wasn’t beautiful, with the colonial charm and tall sails filling Chesapeake Bay; it was the company she missed.
Thorne.
She missed him and she didn’t realize how much. Her day-to-day operations at Annapolis were just an existence.
Maybe it was because she was now a teacher at the most prestigious academy in the United States, but there was none of the familiarity or comraderie that she’d had when she’d been in Okinawa or serving on board the Hope.
Her commanding officer wasn’t close to her age. He was older and didn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor. Admiral Greer seemed to live on pomp, circumstance and regulations. So when she wasn’t doing a shift at the base hospital where she could be in scrubs, the rest of the time she had to stay in her everyday dress uniform and heels.
She hated heels.
So, yeah, there was a lot to miss about Okinawa, but for the most part it was Thorne. When she’d left Ginowan she didn’t realize how lonely she was until her companionship was gone.
It tore her heart out to leave him, but it was obvious that he didn’t feel the same way as she did. Not after that fiasco in the OR when he’d made it quite clear that he still blamed her for the loss of his leg. When he’d thrown her out of his ER she’d tried to get him out of her mind—then he’d apologized and for a brief moment she’d thought he was going to open up to her. Instead he’d hurt her.
He’d expected her to give up on her dream so that she could stay with him. That was something she couldn’t do.
Even though she was in love with him. Because there was no point in denying it: she loved Thorne. But she couldn’t give up the life she’d mapped out for herself. Just like she didn’t expect him to give up his life and his command posting in Okinawa.
It was cruel how love worked out that way sometimes. They were not meant to be together and she had to try and forget him.
Which was no
t easy.
She’d tried to do just that, but to no avail because, instead of the mysterious stranger with the intense blue eyes who had called her an angel, the Thorne she’d fallen for invaded her dreams. Every time she closed her eyes he was there.
So real and intense. She could recall his kisses, his touch. He was everywhere, his memory haunting her like a ghost. In the naval base hospital when she saw wounded warriors coming through, trying to heal themselves and continue to serve, she saw Thorne’s determination to continue on.
Or, when watching a batch of plebes training to become Navy SEALs by drown proofing in the pool, all she had to do was close her eyes and picture him watching them, his arms crossed, assessing them.
Or when she went out and had a slice of pineapple pizza, which didn’t hold a candle to Scooby’s house specialty.
It pained her physically not be with him.
She’d grown numb.
Don’t let him in now.
Right now she had a job to do. There was no room for Thorne in her mind. She didn’t know why she was thinking of him constantly.
You miss him.
Erica took a deep breath and stopped to glance up at the blue spring sky. Yeah, she did miss him.
When she had started to unpack she’d found the star-shaped bottle with the sand. The one he’d given to her. She’d almost thrown it out, trying to sever the tie, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Because, even though he’d made it clear he didn’t want her and didn’t care for her, she loved him. She wished things between them had been different, but it was the way it was.
Besides, he didn’t want her. He’d let her go.
He’d severed the ties long before she’d left Okinawa.
With a deep breath to ground herself, she headed up the white steps of the building she’d been asked to report to.
Before she headed into the recruitment office, she tidied her hair in a mirror and straightened her dress uniform jacket.
“Captain Griffin, the new recruit is waiting in room 407,” Lieutenant Knox said, rising from his seat from behind his desk. He handed her the file.
“Thank you, Lieutenant.” She flipped open the file. “A Navy SEAL?”
“Yes, Captain.”
“His name is John Doe?” Erica asked, annoyed.
“Yes. I wasn’t given specifics about why he stated his name was John Doe. He was quite unbending.”
