by Sara Marion
“Just out and about? Something’s wrong, I know my boy, spit it out.”
Jack smiled. His father did know him and over the last month, his father had always been there for him. “It’s Paxton.” He saw his father adjust himself and lean back in his chair. “Duke visited me. He said she was waiting on me but if she was, wouldn’t she call?”
“Females are tricky son. They act one way but expect you to know exactly what they are thinking. I can’t say much about Paxton because I don’t know her that well anymore but if she is waiting on you, she would try to contact you someway. She wouldn’t send Duke, I know that for a fact.”
Jack leaned back in his chair letting his father’s words sink in. He knew Paxton would at least call him, wouldn’t she? “Dad, he said that she is falling apart on the inside. That she was waiting for me to chase her, show her I love her. I don’t understand, a month ago I flew to Kansas for her. Why now?”
“I don’t know son, I really don’t. That’s something you will have to find out for yourself.”
Jack looked over at a picture on his father’s desk. It was of him and Kenleigh during a get together for Veteran’s day. He felt guilty for being here talking about Paxton when he and Kenleigh started something already.
“It’s time for you to choose who you want Jack.” He watched his father pick up the picture he was staring at. Jacob set it in front of Jack. Jack picked it up and looked at it. He and Kenleigh looked happy in the picture, but he could tell that his eyes showed a different emotion in the picture. Jack sighed and rubbed his eyes. He set the picture back on his father’s desk.
“Son, you know who you want to be with, I know it. You are just scared of hurting someone but the longer you wait, the harder it will be…on all of you.”
Jack looked up at his father knowing that he spoke the truth. He knew who he wanted to be with but he was scared of what the other would do or think. He needed to go see Kenleigh, he wasn’t going to make the final decision tonight. He would let Duke’s visit sink in with him and rationally think about what was laid in front of him tonight.
THREE
Jack walked into the boutique and headed towards the back where Kenleigh would be working. He still didn’t know what he was going to do but until then, Kenleigh was his choice. He needed to figure out where his feelings truly laid with her.
As he got closer to the office, he heard the music playing. Jack cracked open the door and saw Kenleigh’s back towards him. She was bent over her desk and it looked like she was sewing something but there was tension in her shoulders. The anxiety about Paxton washed away. He walked towards her and she didn’t even notice he was there. Jack saw her working on a black, lacey piece. It was completely see-through with the exception of the thong she had laid to the side and bra area where she was sewing in the padding. Jack started picturing how she would look in it. It would hug her curves just right and she would look downright sexy in it. Jack leaned down as he grabbed the back of her chair, “I hope you aren’t wearing that in public.”
Kenleigh jumped at the sound of his voice. She turned and looked up at him. Jack bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. The look of confusion as to why he was here came across her face but Jack didn’t want to approach the subject with her quite yet. She wouldn’t know about Duke’s visit. “Please tell me that you aren’t wearing this. I don’t think I would be able to contain myself if you did,” he said when she still didn’t say anything.
“Lucky for you Annabelle will be wearing this.” She stood and hugged him, welcoming the break. She smiled up at him.
Jack grinned and kissed the top of her shoulder. “So what will you be wearing on that stage?”
“Those pieces on the mannequins over there,” she pointed over by the door.
Jack looked over and saw similar pieces but they weren’t see-through but made of silk. Jack let the images of Kenleigh walking around in those appear in his mind. She would barely be covered and looking like any man’s fantasy, except his. As much as he tried not to, his visions changed from Kenleigh to Paxton. He dispelled his thoughts and shook his head. He didn’t want to make a choice tonight. He needed to see what Kenleigh was offering him and right now, that was happiness, a distraction from the world around him.
“What you don’t like them?” Kenleigh stood up and walked over to the mannequins.
“There great but shouldn’t you wear a bit more?”
“Don’t get jealous on me now,” she teased as she adjusted a piece of fabric. Her smile dropped as she fussed with it. Jack felt the mood darken in the room.
“What happened tonight?” She asked quietly. If she said it any softer Jack wouldn’t have heard her. “I mean, why else would you come. Did something happen? Is it…her?”
Jack walked over and wrapped her in his arms. Somehow she could always read him and she knew that she couldn’t say Paxton’s name out loud without getting a pained reaction from him. So whenever she spoke about Paxton, she was always ‘her’.
“Nothing happened that I can’t handle.”
“Please tell me you are not going back.” Jack heard the worry and pleading in her voice.
“No, I have everything I need right here,” he squeezed her. He knew it wasn’t the whole truth but for now, it was. He just needed to convince himself that Kenleigh was good for him. She was what he needed and he did have feelings for her, just not as strongly as he did with Paxton, but that could change. He knew it could.
Kenleigh stayed silent and Jack wished he could hear what she was thinking. The side of her face was pressed into his chest. Her arms hung loosely around his waist. “I should let you get back to work Kitten, otherwise you will be stressed tomorrow,” he released her.
“I do need to finish.”
“See you when you get home? I want you there in my arms when I wake up,” he said still trying to calm her fears about him going back to Kansas.
“Yeah, but I can’t do that if you are still here,” she smiled.
“Alright, I’m going. See you soon, Kitten,” he kissed her hand and headed home.
Jack awoke to silence the next morning. He reached over to the other side of the bed but it was empty. He sat up and looked at his phone. It was nearly noon and no one had woken him up. He briefly wondered if Kenleigh came home last night. Her shoot was this morning. He hoped she would be back soon. He didn’t like being alone with his thoughts. He rolled out of bed and headed towards the shower.
Jack walked back into him room with a towel wrapped around his hips. He took another and rubbed it through his hair. It was blocking his view as he walking towards his closet. He picked out some jeans and shirt he decided on. He headed back towards the room to lay them on the bed so he could finish getting ready for the day when he spotted Kenleigh laying there. She had finally come home. He dropped the towel that was secured around his hips and slid back into bed behind her and just wrapped her in his arms. She sighed and flipped around to face him.
“It was an all-nighter and into the shoot. Sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up.”
“It’s okay, you’re here now. Just go to sleep, I know you’re tired,” he smiled at her. She snuggled against him. Jack knew this is what he needed, he should be happy with Kenleigh but his thoughts still wandered back to Paxton when he was alone.
Any other guy in his position would never think about going back to their ex after they cheated on them with multiple people. Yes, Paxton was in a dark place and most people would accept that as an excuse but Jack knew that it was partly his fault for not being there. She drank heavily before she did it, so Jack knew she wasn’t in her right mind. Her decision-making skills were not intact, but then again, Duke was sober through most of it. Jack closed his eyes. He tried to make sense of it all but no matter what, his heart still yearned for Paxton. Was it guilt that he wasn’t there for her? Jealously that Duke has a chance? Or was it because she was his first love and no matter what he will always love her? Jack wasn’t sure if he could eve
n live without Paxton. Sure he was doing it now, but was it because Kenleigh was a distraction from how he truly felt? He wished he could see into the future. He wished he could see if he could love Kenleigh as much as he loves Paxton. It would help him make his decision but he knew ultimately he would break one of their hearts.
FOUR
Paxton walked into her mother’s house. Thanksgiving was good and they even went Black Friday shopping together. Over the last week, Paxton felt like they were finally getting back to a good place. She smiled at that thought as she spotted her mother.
“Hey Mom.”
“Hey sweetheart! I will be ready in another few moments. I just have to finish putting these dishes away.”
Paxton smiled. They were getting ready for another session with Dr. Keeler. They had been going for about a month, twice a week and things were going great but today they were going to talk about the harder stuff. Dr. Keeler didn’t tell them what it would be because she didn’t want them preparing defenses and picking at each other all week. Paxton had a feeling though that it was dealing with Ella’s death or how things got so bad afterwards. Either way Paxton wasn’t sure what to expect.
To pass the time it would take to her mother to finish up, Paxton went and looked at the pictures on the mantel. She knew her mother switched them out often. They were always family photos at various stages. She smiled when she saw one of her and her mother. It was her first day at Mercy. Her mother insisted on getting a picture with her. She picked it up to look at it closer.
“That one is one of my favorites,” Jenny said breaking into her thoughts. “I was so proud of you, I still am even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.”
Paxton looked up and stared at her mother. Jenny had only been complimenting her for a few weeks ago but it slowly started to melt away all the hateful things she had said since Ella’s passing. Paxton placed the picture on the mantel.
“Ready?” Paxton asked.
“Yeah let’s go.”
They both climbed into the Spyder convertible that Jack had left. Paxton couldn’t part with it. She imagined sometimes that Jack was still there. As much as the hateful words repeated themselves in her head, Paxton still loved him. Even when the memories of Kenleigh answering his phone and the images of Kenleigh and Jack in bed came flooding in her mind. Paxton hasn’t forgiven Jack for everything but she wanted some of the hurt and anger to remain so she remembered why she is where she is now. She used it to keep Duke at arms length as well. Duke hadn’t been pressuring her into a relationship, but she felt that Duke’s feelings for her weren’t real. How could they be when he didn’t know about her secret she kept? Besides, Paxton wasn’t sure if she could live without Jack. Yes, it’s been almost two years since they actually lived together, but she couldn’t imagine a life without him even. Even when she tried to picture a happy life with Duke, Jack was always in the background somewhere.
She found herself pulling into the hospital parking lot. She looked over at her mother who seemed to be in her own thoughts as well. Paxton found a parking spot and put it in park. She took a deep breath and cleared her mind. She needed to prepare for the session with her mother. Paxton smiled over at her mother and pulled the keys from the ignition. They both got out of the car without saying anything. They walked to the office in silence too. Paxton felt like they both knew this was going to be a touchy session, especially since Dr. Keeler didn’t say what they would be speaking about today. Jenny went to sit down while Paxton continued walking to the receptionist desk to check them in. That was there process.
“Paxton and Jenny Andrews for Dr. Keeler,” she said to the unfamiliar face behind the desk.
The receptionist typed quickly then smiled, “Dr. Keeler will be with you shortly.”
“Thanks.”
Paxton sat down beside her mother and their silence continued. Paxton began fidgeting. Her leg wouldn’t stay still. She looked around the room. She hadn’t felt like this since the day Dr. Keeler told her about Jack’s accident. She wasn’t sure if this was a sign or not. She began to think maybe they should have driven separately.
“Paxton, Jenny?” Dr. Keeler’s voice rang from behind the door she opened.
They both quickly got up and headed towards the door.
“Hello Dr. Keeler,” Jenny greeted as she stepped into the office.
Paxton smiled and followed her mother. They both sat down on the couch and Dr. Keeler went to her favorite chair where set her coffee and pad of paper down on the table next to it.
“How are you two today?”
“We’re good,” Jenny answered.
“Great. So today I wanted to do something a little more difficult. Over our last few sessions, we have been talking about before Ella. Today, I would like to discuss the day Ella died. This is where the strain in your relationship takes place. This is what fractured it and then eventually broke it.”
Paxton saw out of the corner of her eye, her mother freeze and stiffen. Paxton did not want to talk about this. She sat back and crossed her arms. Tears didn’t threaten this time. She had worked through her feeling about Ella’s passing, she forgave herself but she was still hurt by her mother’s reaction that day.
“Paxton, let’s start with you and what was running through your head when you learned it was Ella?”
Paxton looked at Dr. Keeler. They had already been over this. She had never discussed it with her mother in fear that it would ruin the last few weeks but it was the elephant in the room.
“Paxton, I think it would be beneficial for your mother to hear what you were going through.”
Paxton looked over at her mother and her face was stone. Paxton looked back at Dr. Keeler then down at her hands. She braced herself for the drama and anger that was sure to follow from the statement she was about to make. Preparing herself, she took a deep breath and kept her stare pinned on her hands. “When Susie told me that Duke was in the hospital and was Steve’s patient from the crash, my mind immediately thought of Ella and who had her. When Susie said the only person she didn’t check was my patient, my heart dropped. I ran back into the room and asked Ally, my assistant to check her hip for our tattoo.” Paxton paused and looked at her mother. Tears were in Jenny’s eyes, but she could see the anger and sadness were appearing behind her gaze.
“Go on,” Dr. Keeler urged.
“Ally confirmed the tattoo, as I’ve told you before. I knew that I had to try harder. I couldn’t lose my best friend. I couldn’t tell Duke that his wife, my best friend, died on my table. I started compressions again. Then I grabbed the charged paddles and pressed them into her,” Paxton’s hands mimicked the images in her hand. Tears began to pool in her own eyes as she relived those moments.
Paxton heard her mother let a small sob escape. “I pulled the paddles, I tried CPR,” Paxton repeated herself, “I did everything I could think of to bring her back. Jonathan was in the room and he was quietly giving orders. I knew that I had completely lost it but it was Ella on my table. I saved a lot of people and I couldn’t bear to think that I couldn’t save my best friend.” Paxton looked up at Dr. Keeler who was just watching her and occasionally glancing over at Jenny. Paxton stole a glance at her mother who was silently crying.
“I kept going no matter what Jonathan took out of the room. When I knew nothing was going to work, I just broke down. My best friend died and there was nothing that I could do to bring her back. Jonathan held me and let me grieve for a few minutes. I realized I was being unprofessional and still had a job to do. I composed myself and went to tell Duke. It was the surgeon in me piloting me as I headed towards Duke’s room.”
“That must have been when I received the call from Jack. He got a call from Susie I believe,” Jenny interrupted. Paxton closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She looked back at her hands. She rubbed them together not wanting to continue.
“So you told Duke about the passing. Tell me and your mother, how you were feeling as you broke the news,” Dr. Keeler fill
ed the quiet room with her soft voice.
Paxton couldn’t say anything. She didn’t want to hurt her mother and bring up those memories. She also was afraid her mother would lash out at her. Paxton also didn’t want to relive it anymore. She supposed it was part of moving on, the ease of talking about it without shutting down.
“Paxton remember this is a safe place. I know this is a hard subject to talk about in front of your mother but we have been working separately. I wouldn’t have done this if I felt that she would attack you about it,” Dr. Keeler said.
“Paxton, honey, I want to hear this. As much as it hurts to think about that day, Dr. Keeler is right. We need to talk about this.”
Paxton looked back and forth between them. She looked at the wall trying to avoid their eye contact, she wouldn’t be able to talk about it otherwise. “I felt broken, lost,” her eyes cast down at her hands. She began picking at her nails. “I thought it was a horrible nightmare. Duke’s reaction tore me apart and I felt like the world’s worst surgeon and friend. As soon as I finished telling him, I fell apart again and became his friend who sat there and grieved with him. I started going over the surgery in my head trying to figure out where I went wrong, how I couldn’t save Ella and her b-…” Paxton trailed off. She about spilled the secret of the baby. “How I couldn’t save Ella.”
