Ernest apologised on behalf of his siblings and explained that they were probably hyper from eating too much roasted chickpea gelati. Milli wanted him to find Bas and spank him with a hairbrush but then remembered the purpose of her call.
‘Can you believe it? I mean, it’s such an amazing thing to happen. Who would have thought someone as important as Von Gobstopper would be interested in us! I simply can’t wait for Friday!’
‘How poor are they that have not patience,’ Ernest replied.
‘Ernest, please! I can’t understand you when you speak like that.’
‘Is the excursion the only thing we’re going to talk about till Friday?’ Ernest said sulkily.
‘What else is there?’ asked Milli.
‘Have you finished your Chemistry homework? It’s due tomorrow.’ Milli was instantly deflated. ‘There was Chemistry homework?’ she said, and rang off.
The rest of the week was excruciatingly long for the Sparrows and Starlings of St Erudite’s Academy. They tried their hardest to concentrate on school work and be deserving of the treat that was in store for them, but it wasn’t easy. Every conversation found its way towards the subject of the imminent excursion. Milli drove Ernest mad with her incessant predictions of how the day might turn out. A poet had more important matters to think about. Toys were childish objects designed to occupy the minds of the very young. Whilst in principle Ernest had nothing against a little fun, he also remembered the consequences the last time the town allowed itself to indulge in what it believed to be harmless entertainment. But when he voiced his reservations to Milli, he found her enthusiasm could not be quelled.
‘This is different,’ she reasoned. ‘Our parents and teachers are in on it, and, what’s more, there’s no one alive less like a villain than Von Gobstopper. You really need to relax, Ernie! Drink some more of that passionflower tea your mum’s always brewing and try to stop being such a wet sock.’
‘I think the expression is wet blanket and I’m not.’
‘Fine,’ Milli pouted. ‘Just don’t go spoiling things for the others. They have every right to be excited after everything they’ve been through.’
‘Sorry,’ mumbled a contrite Ernest.
Due to the number of students involved, it was decided that the excursion would be staggered over two days. On Friday morning, it was the first-formers who crowded around the school car park, all trying to get as close as possible to the door of the yellow bus in order to get on first and nab the prized back seats. Their animated chatter was relentless and the teachers accompanying them were already wincing in pain. The students were dressed in their dazzling best, having been permitted to be out of uniform for the day. They wore colourful beanies and jackets and carried little backpacks with packed lunches and clipboards should any note-taking be required. Most of the children had brought along their life savings (or as much of them as they had been permitted to withdraw) for the purchase of souvenirs. Milli had packed lightly, and swiftly disposed of her clipboard so as not to be weighed down during the tour of the arcade. Mrs Perriclof had packed Ernest’s bag and every compartment was bursting with items that might come in handy. Milli spotted several thick spiral notebooks, a tin of coloured pencils, packets of tissues and throat lozenges, an extra pair of thick socks and a thermos of cream of asparagus soup.
Miss Macaw insisted the Sparrows form a civilised queue and ticked off names as they boarded the bus. ‘Stop buzzing like bumblebees!’ she cried. ‘Stop chattering like chipmunks!’ But she was smiling so they concluded she must understand, if not share, their excitement.
The trip to the arcade was a mere twenty minutes but this didn’t stop the children from singing at the tops of their lungs as if they were heading off on a journey of several hours. They mostly sang one song, made up by a predecessor whose name had been forgotten. Parts of it made no sense at all but this did not, of course, detract from their pleasure in singing it. It was only the bus driver’s face that turned purple in exasperation by the time they had run through it for the fourth time.
Oh, off we go—dippy-dee, dippy-doe,
Bouncing on the ends of our tippy-tippy toes.
Hungry little beavers—eager to see,
Feeling dreadfully sorry for any absentees.
We look up, we look down,
We look left and right and round,
Not a thing do we miss,
Not one Bruce or Dick or Chris.
All the other children are doing ordinary things,
While here in our bus we sit like kings
And now we’re on our way!
As they sang they passed around bags of boiled sweets. Ernest munched on some roasted chestnuts that had turned as hard as pebbles. A boy called Ha-Ha Pyles shared his tin of blueberry marshmallows, which everyone had a try of. Ha-Ha Pyles was a sunny and good-natured boy despite his rather unfortunate surname. (Look it up if you think it doesn’t sound too bad.) Ha-Ha was a nickname acquired from a habit of laughing at most things people said to him. You could say a casual ‘It’s looking like rain’, or the slightly more sober ‘My grandmother has just been diagnosed with dementia’, and Peter’s (his birth name) inevitable response was ‘Ha-ha’. His teachers told his parents he would eventually outgrow the habit, and they were right; but the nickname stuck.
The singing stopped abruptly when the bus turned into a gravel driveway lined with poplars and pulled up in front of a magnificent construction that looked as if it had floated across the world from a Renaissance city. Milli and Ernest barely recognised the place that had once been their adoptive home. The twisting gravel drive was the only thing that had not been transformed. It seemed appropriate that what had once been a prison that repressed individual thought should now function as a place that celebrated childhood and enjoyment.
Von Gobstopper’s Arcade had been modelled on the arcades found in many European cities. If you have ever seen one, you will know that they are tunnel-shaped buildings with arches for entrances, and a fair bit of decoration in the form of carved stone pillars, more arches and a dome of glass. Leading up to the entrance were hedges that had been shaped with bewitching artistry into giant toys. The children marvelled at a shrub teddy bear sitting on his bottom and waving his paws, two soldiers cut from poplars that stood on either side of the entrance, and assorted gadgets such as yo-yos, bouncy balls and even a giant train set. Above the arched entrance, a painted daisy chain spelled out the words: Von Gobstopper’s Arcade—Children of All Ages Welcome. Nearby, still outside, was a giant statue of the building’s founder. Giant statues of founders or patrons usually look rather stern, but Von Gobstopper’s statue showed a gentle, smiling man. He wore overalls, and was holding a hammer and a chisel, the most basic tools of his trade. Although he had a moustache, the crinkling around his eyes and the corners of his mouth indicated that he had never quite grown up.
Miss Macaw announced their arrival to a man in a ticket cubicle, but their presence had already been noted. She had barely finished speaking when there was a sound like the clashing of cymbals and an elegant woman in a smart suit, bubblegum pink, and with matching stilettos, appeared at the entrance and moved towards them with crisp and decisive gestures. She was inordinately tall and insect-thin. Her heels made a crunching sound on the gravel when she walked. Her face and hands were chalk white and her lips only slightly less pale. Her black hair was swept back from her oval face, smoothed into place by some unguent and held by tortoise-shell combs. The dark circles under her eyes suggested she was not a good sleeper. Although she could not be more than twenty, her demeanour suggested someone much older. Milli noticed that she didn’t look directly at the children; rather, her eyes focused on an area slightly above their heads.
‘Welcome to Von Gobstopper’s Arcade,’ she said in a tight and formal voice. ‘My name is Ms Tempest Anomali and I am the curator.’ She almost hissed as she emphasised her title. ‘I will be conducting today’s tour and there will be opportunities for questions later. The arcade co
mprises various levels, each one, as you shall see, dedicated to a special genre of toy or theme. But before we begin our adventure there are some important things you need to know, so I now request your full attention.’
The rules were few and simple, as Ms Tempest Anomali explained. The arcade was not a museum and interaction with the toys was invited. They must, however, behave respectfully at all times, as some of the items on display had travelled a long distance and were priceless. They could not wander away from the group at any time unless told otherwise, and they would be shown which shops it was possible to make purchases from. They must leave all bags and valuables in the cloakroom and the taking of photographs was strictly prohibited. Toys reacted badly to cameras flashing in their faces.
By the time the curator had finished her speech her expression had relaxed a little. She forced her mouth into a smile but it came out lopsided, as if this was the first time her lips had received such an instruction from her brain. ‘Well, then,’ she said, putting her palms together and inclining her head slightly, ‘are we ready to go inside?’
She had not anticipated the eager cheer that followed. Her head jerked back and she suddenly looked affronted. But just as quickly her composure returned, along with the smile that looked more like a grimace, and she led the way inside.
CHAPTER SIX
Meeting Boi Toi
In order to convey to you the extent of the wonders the children were about to experience, I ask you to think about the most spectacular thing you have ever seen. Was it fireworks exploding like sea anemones across a midnight sky on New Year’s Eve? Was it the costumes in a theatre production that were so vivid and lavish they took your breath away? Was it an architectural masterpiece viewed on a cultural tour with your parents? Whatever it was, think of your reaction magnified one hundred times and you may get some idea of how the children felt.
At first, however, there wasn’t that much to see—just a vast gallery with a richly coloured mosaic floor, decorative columns and quaint little shopfronts lining either side. Milli and Ernest observed immediately that the different levels within Hog House had been retained, forming tiers that reached upwards towards a domed ceiling made entirely of stained-glass panels that scattered beams of tinted light across the floor. There was a sweeping staircase to one side, and old-fashioned elevators, painted forest green, for those too impatient to climb the stairs.
The group stopped dutifully to read the arcade directory, which was shaped like an ancient scroll and held up by two brightly painted clay giants.
Between the giants’ colossal sandalled feet was a map. Milli ignored it and instead tried to look inside the closest shops to determine their contents. At the entrance to one were giant powder puffs acting as revolving doors. It appeared to be a beauty parlour. What was a beauty parlour doing in the middle of a toy arcade, you may ask? Milli wondered the same thing and could only conclude that some of the
VON GOBSTOPPER’S ARCADE DIRECTORY
This building is dedicated to childhood with all its dreams and fancies. Take your time in exploring it as every corner holds new surprises and visual delights. I hope that by the time you leave you will have reconnected with old friends and made some new ones.
Gustav Von Gobstopper
Basement Level
Not open to public
Ground Floor
Puppet Theatre, Clockworks Hall,
Toy Shoppe, Tearooms
Level One
A Doll’s Life, Toys Through Time
Level Two
Teddies and other Furry Friends
Level Three
Transport and Construction Toys
toys availed themselves of such services. Another shop interior seemed to be choked with vegetation. Bulky vines hung from the ceiling and a carpet of leaves covered the floor. Milli was intrigued to see Jungle Life written on the plaque outside and in brackets below: Unsupervised Entry Strictly Prohibited.
The main gallery, where they were now standing, was lit by enormous gaslights held by wrought-iron arms protruding from the walls. A familiar and mouth-watering aroma filled the air. It smelled like a mixture of popcorn and vanilla biscuits. Ms Anomali pointed a thin finger to the ceiling, and when the children looked up, they nearly jumped out of their skins. Suspended on fishing wire above them was a row of teddy bears in tutus. They did a little choreographed dance and sang a welcome song; a performance which the children rewarded with riotous applause.
Welcome to the Toy Arcade
A world filled with laughter.
Make sure you’ve left your worries behind
For there’s no room for mopers.
Welcome to the Toy Arcade We hope you’ll be enchanted.
Ms Anomali waited for the applause to subside then ushered them over to a pile of brightly coloured beanbags and indicated they should sit down. The children settled into the beanbags, which let out a ‘Please sit down’ in a range of different accents each time they adjusted their position, but fell silent when Ms Anomali began speaking.
‘It is only when a toy loses its lustre of newness that it becomes really interesting,’ the curator began. ‘Many of the toy exhibits here are part of history. They all have a story to tell. I am sure you are already acquainted with the honey-coloured bear wearing a blue raincoat and red hat, or the wooden boy in overalls with the ridiculously long nose?’ She spoke in such an alluring tone that her words sent shivers down their spines.
Looking down, Ernest noticed that the mosaic floor depicted characters and scenes from famous fairy stories. There was an ice castle, a knight in pursuit of a dragon and a princess with hair the colour of corn leaning out of a tower. He wondered how long it had taken to assemble such a collection of images. The attention to detail was remarkable. Tempest Anomali’s velvet voice brought him back to the present.
‘A word of warning. This arcade, although built for the entertainment of children, is vast and contains many rooms and passageways. It would not do for any of you to get lost. You cannot be sure what you may encounter, and some of the electronic toys are not easy to control. It is therefore imperative that you follow my instructions at all times. The basement level is strictly out of bounds as it contains dangerous machinery. We don’t want to be sending anyone home minus a finger, do we?’
The knuckles of the curator’s hands, which she’d clasped tightly in front of her throughout her talk, were white by the time she had finished and she wrinkled her nose as if there was a bad smell in the vicinity that she was having trouble identifying. Ms Anomali seemed about to announce the commencement of the tour when she was interrupted by a question. It came from Ha-Ha Pyles, who hadn’t been put off by her imperious manner. ‘Is Mr Von Gobstopper himself likely to make an appearance at any stage of the day?’ he asked eagerly.
A look somewhere between scorn and amusement flickered briefly over Tempest Anomali’s chalky face.
‘I’m afraid not,’ she replied in dulcet tones. ‘Mr Von Gobstopper is in retirement and rarely appears in public. It is too stressful for him; it interferes with his creative chi. You will, however, see evidence of his creativity in abundance! To begin, we hope you enjoy our dramatisation of the poem written for children by Christina Rossetti, “Goblin Market”.’
A suspended platform, unnoticed by the children up to now, lit up. On it stood a toy theatre made of cardboard, high enough for everyone to see without craning their necks. Even though the characters were printed on cards attached to wooden sticks, and slid in and out of slots in the stage floor, the children were instantly engrossed in the story. It was a dramatic tale about two sisters, Laura and Lizzie, and their different reactions upon encountering goblin merchants selling some very enticing fruit. The children were relieved to see that sisterly devotion prevailed over the menacing goblins in the end, but everyone was left wondering what their decision might have been had they encountered such tempting merchandise on their way to fetch water.
When the show ended, the black-clad puppete
ers, who had also provided the voices for all the characters, appeared in a row to take a bow.
‘And now,’ Ms Anomali announced, ‘let us move on to the first exhibition, the Clockworks Hall. Here you will see a range of toys operated by the winding of some kind of key or mechanical device. Such toys were immensely popular with Victorian children—I believe they originated out of a human desire to bring inanimate things to life. Human beings are arrogant enough, after all, to believe that everything should mimic their own behaviour.’
She paused, seemingly in expectation of some reaction. Had she made a joke? The children wriggled uncomfortably until someone asked whether the toys had anything to do with clocks.
‘Obviously they are thus named because their design employs similar principles to those employed in the making of clocks,’ Ms Anomali replied coolly.
She turned sharply on her heels and marched down a nearby passageway. Feeling a mixture of anticipation and suspense, the children scurried after her. On their way they managed to read some of the plaques on the shopfronts: Edible BuildingBlocks, Bath Friends, Golliwog Makeover, Barbie World, Planes ‘n’ Stuff. The shop windows were in semi-darkness, keeping their wares well hidden.
Ms Anomali led them into a long, narrow hall where clockwork toys were displayed on low tables. Heavy curtains were drawn around a larger display stand in the centre of the hall. The children were invited to walk around freely to examine the toys on display. They could even operate them, as long as they did so one at a time.
The next half-hour was spent in gleeful exploration and the noise level grew steadily as various clockwork toys moved across the shiny floor displaying their particular skills. If you had previously said ‘clockwork toy’ to any of these children, they would have perhaps envisaged a soldier beating a drum. They now realised that the sky was the limit in the manufacture of such toys. Soon all manner of clockwork toys were buzzing around them like exotic insects. There were tiny birds that swarmed unexpectedly from mouse holes, pursued by motor-operated cats; battery-operated motorcycles transporting stylish dolls in bathing suits; pandas waving their paws in greeting; sumo wrestlers that twisted themselves into the most torturous positions; a nanny steering a baby in a perambulator; vampires that bared their teeth as they flew across the room; and monkeys that turned somersaults over and over. All the movements, although mechanical, were fluid and amazingly lifelike.
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