by T. K. Rapp
“You’re not very original, are you?” I tease.
“Who said I was trying to be?”
“The way you swept me out of there, I figured there was some top secret location all magical and stuff. Then again, we could sit in the garage all night and I’d be happy.” I shrug, holding onto his hand tighter.
“Did you have fun?”
“I always have fun with you guys, you know that. But the party part, I think I was ready to leave when the first guest arrived.”
“Yeah, I could see by the look on your face.” He lets go of my hand and tucks me close to his side protectively. “We knew after the first day when word started spreading that the party wasn’t a good idea. I think Bailey must have said something to Joey about it because he said we needed to do something with just us.”
“I’m liking Bailey more and more,” I say when I look up into his eyes.
We get to the edge of the woods, the same woods we’ve gone through thousands of times before, and make our way to the opening of the path we’ve created over the years. Haden walks ahead of me with his arm stretched behind him so he can hold my hand. It’s a haunting quiet, neither of us saying a word, nor looking to fill it either. Haden’s always been the silent one and I’ve never minded—I still don’t.
Every once in a while I hear him mutter something or offer a simple, one-word warning about an object up ahead, and I find it adorable. The path to the quarry is easy to maneuver during the day, but at night we have to go by memory.
“I think we’re almost there,” he finally says over his shoulder.
“I hope so. Otherwise your sense of direction is way off.” I smile, even though he can’t see me.
“You’re the one with terrible direction,” he counters as we finally step through to the clearing. The moonlight reflects on the water and provides enough light that I know where our rocks are and I can see the shy smile on Haden’s face.
“I’ve never had a problem finding this or anyplace else,” I argue as I follow him to our usual spots, but he stops before we get there.
“Here, just wait right here,” he instructs with his hands halting my forward movement.
When I stop, he stands in front of me for a second to make sure I don’t move before he jogs off to the side, where he disappears from view.
“You know, this is the time when some axe murderer jumps out from the trees and kills me,” I yell loud enough so he can hear.
He doesn’t answer and I cross my arms protectively across my chest while I wait.
“Or better yet,” I turn my back to the water and face where he left, “I stand here for like ten minutes waiting, and when you don’t show up I walk over all pissed and stuff—yelling because you left me—and then I find your body hanging up in the trees.”
“You have a warped brain,” he says from behind me, causing me to jump and let out a yelp.
“I hate you,” I declare through a laugh. “Where did you come from?” I look around because I watched him go in, but it’s not where he came out.
“I came from a small town outside of Houston,” he laughs and I push at his shoulder in annoyance. “I’m just kidding. I had to get something and I knew you were watching me. It’s funny when you get scared because you start rambling with insane ideas.”
“I do not. Besides, you guys have made me watch so many horror movies, nothing scares me,” I lie.
“By the way,” he says as he reaches for my hand, “you don’t hate me.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter, holding onto his hand. “I’ll let you know in a few minutes when my heart rate gets back to normal how I really feel.”
He holds onto my hand and leads me to a relatively flat area and sets a bag down that I didn’t realize he was carrying.
“You already know,” he says when we stop moving.
Haden begins to pull things out of the bag, but in the darkness I can’t make much of it out. I can see the blanket that he removes from the bottom because in one fluid motion, he opens it and spreads it along the ground, kicking up some dust in the process.
“Very smooth,” I tease.
“What can I say, I’m good.”
He pats the ground and extends his hand to help me sit down next to him. The night air is chilly and I’m thankful for the coat that I put on with the outfit, even if it is a little too dressy to wear while sitting on the ground.
Haden leans back and rests his weight on his elbows; one leg is stretched out in front of him and the other is bent in a relaxed manner. I am sitting upright, my knees tucked to my chest and arms wrapped protectively around them to help warm my body. As if sensing my coldness, Haden sits up and reaches for something and I’m instantly warmed.
“You are good,” I finally say when he has us both wrapped in another blanket.
“I told you: you don’t hate me.” He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes as I lean into his shoulder.
“Never could,” I agree. “So what’re we doing out here?”
“I have a present for you, but I didn’t want to give it to you in front of everyone.”
“Oh,” I sigh nervously. “So what is it?”
“First off, a few things, okay?”
“If you must,” I laugh to lighten the mood.
“You have to wait about thirty minutes until I can give you your gift.”
I open my mouth to speak but he silences me with a gentle kiss, but doesn’t move away when he speaks again. “Next, you can’t talk. I know that’s hard for you, but no talking.”
A simple nod is all I can give him and he smiles before kissing me again.
“Last, I’m going to give you a flashlight in a second. This isn’t really part of your gift, but I wanted to give it to you anyway.”
He reaches into the bag and hands over the aforementioned flashlight that I click on and hold under my face so I can make a weird face. Haden turns to face me with some paper in his hands but laughs and rolls his eyes at the game I’m playing.
“Maybe another time,” he says as he starts to fold the paper, but I grab it from him before he has a chance to get rid of it.
“Now,” I whisper as I unfold it and straighten it over my thigh.
“I’m gonna go—over….there.” He points nervously at any direction that is away from me and scoffs as he walks off.
I watch as he seems to be muttering something to himself and I find it amusing, and it also makes me incredibly eager to see what has him all worked up. I direct the small flashlight to the paper and find Haden’s handwriting staring up at me.
Laila,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written this letter and thrown it away. I thought the first time you saw the drawings I did of you that you would freak out and think I was insane. But that, the art, was easy for me because I can put everything into it and never have to say a word. It’s the one place that I know where I stand—people may or may not like what I’ve done, but I do it for me. We both know that I’m somewhat on the shy side and speaking up isn’t exactly one of my strong points.
But this is different. This is for you. Anything I say here can change everything. I can’t help but wonder if this is the right thing to do, but if I don’t, I’ll always regret it.
For so many years, I’ve watched you and cared for you. You barreled your way into our group and changed it for the better. I’ve always liked how you can help each of us in a way that is unique to you. You’re best friend, partner, support, pseudo-girlfriend, and fill-in—and you’ve never asked for anything in return. While all the other girls around are clawing and beating each other to be noticed, you are happy to stay in the background away from the spotlight—unseen.
But I see you; I always have.
I think I fell for you that day in eighth grade when you told Caarly off. I hated that girl, but that day I loved that she brought out what I hoped was jealousy in you. But when it was all said and done, you showed no signs of returning my feelings and the rest of the guys were aga
inst any of us dating you.
I hated every time you dated someone else. God, I wanted to strangle the last three because they didn’t deserve you. It was so hard to play neutral and let myself believe that it was for the best, but in the end, I don’t regret a single thing because I have loved having you as my best friend.
My dad gave me a lot of advice at the end. One thing that sticks with me the most was one of the afternoons that you showed up at the hospital to sit with him. It had been a long day and I was exhausted. You knew how much I wanted to be there and have time with my dad, but I kept dozing off so you told me to lay down so you could visit with him. Dad gave me a nod and I slept in that chair even though I was worried my dad would tell you how I felt.
When I woke up, he was writing something down and you were nowhere to be found. For a second, I thought he’d told you everything but when he saw the look on my face, he called me over. He grabbed my hand and said, ‘be patient with her. I know she loves you, even if she doesn’t realize it yet. Be what she needs and someday, she’s going to see in you what you want her to.’
That’s what I have spent the last three years doing: waiting. And maybe he’s looking down on me now and shaking his head, but I’d like to think he’s cheering me on for going after you and telling you what I feel.
I turn the page over to read more of his words, wiping a tear from my eye in the process, but it’s blank. There’s nothing else. I look up to see Haden sitting at the edge of the rocks staring into the distance and stand up with the blanket around my shoulders so I can join him.
“It just ends,” I say when I sit next to him. I hold the paper up and show him the back, as if he didn’t write it and already know this fact. “You stopped when it was getting good.”
He looks at me and cups my cheek in his hand looking younger than his age of eighteen. “Some things you have to hear.”
“Like what?” I ask with nervousness coursing through my veins.
“Like you are the only girl I’ve ever wanted.” He leans his forehead to mine and closes his eyes. “And that there isn’t another person in this world I will ever want.”
“Haden,” I say as I place my hand over his to pull it off my face. “We’re practically kids. You can’t know that.”
“My dad knew,” he says simply. “He knew the first time he saw my mom. I know that for as long as I live, there’s no way I will ever see anyone else the way I see you.”
“How can you be so sure?” I ask, fighting the lump forming in my throat.
“Because there’s no room in here.” He holds my hand over his heart. “I will never love anyone as much as I love you.”
“You know I love you,” I say in return, but he knows I’m saying it the way I always have and nods his head.
“Yeah, I know. But I also know that if you think about it—really think about it—you know you feel the same way.”
He kisses my hand and releases it before he stands up, leaving me alone on the edge.
I’m on the edge in more ways than one.
Haden walks back to the blanket that he spread out and sits, leaving me to my thoughts.
Of course I love him—I always have. It’s too soon to admit to him that I’m in love with him, that I’ve always loved him as more than my friend. We’re graduating and more than likely ending up at different schools. The long-distance thing will kill any relationship and we’ll end up resenting each other in the end. But if I keep it inside, there’s a chance I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.
“Searle,” I call over my shoulder before standing up and walking to him.
Standing at the edge of the blanket, I stare down at him, his face glowing in the moonlight and throw my hands up in annoyance.
“This is just like you. You never say anything, then take today—my damn birthday—and throw everything off! What are you thinking?”
“I was —” he starts as he moves to stand up, but I stop him.
“It was rhetorical. You had your chance to speak, and I’m not finished.”
“Fine.” He waves his hand and leans back on his elbows.
“You don’t just go around telling a girl what she does or doesn’t feel. You let her decide if she’s ready to say these things.” I start to pace as I reprimand him. “Of course I love you, you’re one of my best friends, but for you to assume you know what’s going on inside of my heart is a bit presumptuous. I mean, sure I’m in love with you, but I’m not ready to just go and tell you that. It’s been a month, Haden. One. Month. I get all girly and think about what will happen in six months when we go off to college and how the long-distance thing will work, because I hate the idea of losing you. What if you get to school and meet some artsy girl who shares your interests and you fall for her? Where does that leave me? I’ll tell you where: it leaves me crying—and you know how much I hate that—over my first love because I’m so madly in love with him and he broke my heart. But for you to just tell me what I feel, that’s a dick move.”
I cross my arms and sit down on the blanket as far from him as possible. There is nothing but trees surrounding us, but the area feels too confining. I’ve always felt safe with every one of the guys, but sitting here alone with Haden, I don’t feel safe at all. I’m good at keeping feelings and emotions at bay, but he broke through every one of those defenses with his letter and his words.
“Are you done?” he asks, scooting next to me.
“Yeah,” I scoff. “Done.”
“Laila.” He nudges my side prompting me to look at him. “It’s only been one month. But I’ve been in love with you for a long damn time. And clearly you feel the same way.”
“There you go again,” I argue.
“I’m only repeating what you said,” he almost whispers.
“I didn’t,” I shake my head, “I said -”
“You said that you are in love with me. And I’m in love with you,” he adds. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with college any more than you do, but I can tell you this: I’m not letting you go without telling you how much I love you and what you mean to me.”
I finally let my guard down and close my eyes so I can take all of this in. It’s almost too much to handle. Every part of me feels like I’m on fire, the blanket suddenly too suffocating, and I shed it to find relief.
Haden lies back on the blankets, watching my inner battle as if he knows the outcome but doesn’t want to share it with me. Everything that’s happened in the last few minutes has left me dazed and somehow happy at the same time. I like control. I need control. Yet Haden has set my world spinning and there is no way to stop it—or perhaps there is, but I don’t think I’d like the result.
Surrender.
That’s the only option I have that makes sense, so I move back further on the blanket and lie next to Haden. Side by side, staring at the blanket of stars overhead, I find calm next to the guy who’s been so much to me for so long. He raises his hand and looks at his watch before entwining the hands between us.
“No matter where I go, all I have to do is look up right there,” he points with his free hand, “and you’re with me.”
“What are you talking about?” I turn my face so I can see him, and then he leans in to kiss my lips.
“Your present,” he says as he looks back up. “That one right there is Laila.”
I follow his aim and see what I assume is the star he’s referring to. “And that one there—right next to it—is Haden. So we’re always together.”
“You bought me a star?” I grin, looking at his profile, and fall more in love in this second.
“Yeah.” He huffs a laugh. “I know it’s cheesy, but it’s also forever.”
“I love you cheesy, surly, artsy, funny, and any other way I can have you,” I admit. “So I guess I’m just as bad as you are.”
We lie here under the stars, talking and laughing—just enjoying each other’s company. I’m glad we left the party, because this is the perfect way to spend my birthday.
Chapter 14 ~ Finding Surprises
“What time did you get in?” Bailey asks when she sees me sitting at my desk.
“I guess it was about midnight,” I admit and flush under her scrutiny. “What about you?”
“The party was awful. Things got out of hand, so Joey walked me over and we visited with your parents for a bit.”
“Sorry I wasn’t here when you got back,” I start but she gives me a knowing smile. “Well, maybe not that sorry.”
She looks at me and laughs before throwing her head back into the pillows.
When I got home last night, I wasn’t sure if she was really planning on sticking around. The friendship is still new—and based on previous experience, I’ve still been wary, despite her efforts to be a good friend. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she made herself at home in my bed, even when I wasn’t here.
“So what happened after I left?”
“You mean when you left without saying anything?” She narrows her eyes at me and I feel bad for leaving her high and dry.
“About that,” I start, but she stops me.
“I’m kidding, seriously. It was pretty bad. I mean, by ten thirty, Mr. Jameson had kicked everyone out because more and more people showed up. I think he might have even called the cops, but I’m not sure. That’s what people were posting on Instagram last night. You should see the pictures!”
“Great,” I groan as I log into my account to see what chatter there is this morning.
My feed is filled with timeline pictures of ‘friends’ who were at my party. By all accounts, it looks entertaining, until I read the comments.
Thank God Nixon wasn’t there. What a looser!
Nice, moron…the least you could do is spell it right.
You know the guys are only friends with her because she’s easy.
Funny how little they know about me.
Poor Bailey has to actually hang out with her just to be with Joey.
Most of these I can ignore, but this one really pisses me off. What if this is really how Bailey feels? I look over my shoulder and see her looking intently at her phone. She furrows her brow before exhaling and moving her thumb again.
