by T. K. Rapp
This letter is all over the place and I’m sorry for that. I wish I was eloquent with words, but when you are trying to cram a lifetime in a few short sentences, it gets hard. I just wanted to be able to give you an idea of the person I am and hope to God that you don’t hate me for giving you up. It was the most difficult choice, but the best for both of us.
If you will allow me, I’d like to give you some advice:
~Be kind to your parents. They love you more than anything and they will make mistakes. Forgive them.
~Strength is a virtue, but so is vulnerability. Be open to the possibilities in life. If you are closed off, you’ll miss so much.
~Know yourself and respect yourself. If you do, then others will treat you accordingly.
~Fall in love—Deeply, insanely in love, but don’t let it consume you.
~Be your own person. Be independent and smart and never let people make you feel like you are less.
There is so much more, but I know that your parents are doing an amazing job. Even though you don’t know me, I’m on your side, cheering you on and hoping that you achieve everything you have ever dreamed of.
Despite what you may think of me, I love you more than I have ever loved another living soul and I pray for you Laila.
All my love,
Andie Jude
I can’t believe I share her name.
Chapter 17 ~ Finding Direction
“I told everyone to meet us out here,” Haden says when I walk out to stand with him at the rocks. “Joey was pretty pissed that you hung up on him earlier.”
“Yeah, I figured he would be.” I shrug. “He’ll be forgiving when I tell him what’s going on.”
I turn to the trees when I hear the guys coming through the woods laughing and carrying on, and I find myself nervous all over again. He cocks his head to the side and kisses my cheek to soften the blow.
Cole and Braxton are the first ones I see, and it’s clear they have no idea what’s gone on today. Joey emerges after them wearing an angry scowl that I try to ignore, and I’m surprised to see Bailey trailing behind, holding his hand.
“The runaway’s been found,” Cole shouts with his cheeky grin. “I’m so proud.”
“Shut up, Cole.” I swat at his arm as he passes.
“Hey.” Bailey walks over and gives me a hug, catching me off guard. “How does your first official day as an adult feel?”
“Sucks ass,” I groan. I watch the scowl fade from Joey’s face, yet he remains silent.
“Eighteen is great.” Braxton says as he sits on a rock and rests his elbows on his knees. “Legally, you can do anything you want. But we know you won’t.”
“So what happened to you today? Taking off isn’t really your thing,” Cole observes.
Joey watches me and finally softens as he walks toward me. He kisses Bailey on the cheek, but continues past her to sit next to me in his usual spot. I like her more and more, because she joins us as if it’s something she’s done forever.
“It’s been a really long day,” I start.
“Care to share with the class?” Braxton teases, but sobers when he sees the seriousness in my face. “Everything okay?”
“I found out something today and I’ve been trying to work through it.” The vagueness in my story is aggravating, even to me, so I finally throw it out there. “My parents told me that I was adopted.”
Silence.
Not a single bit of noise sounds, yet the guys look at me with such shock that I feel like they are screaming it at me.
“Apparently, my parents weren’t able to have kids on their own, so they sought out adoption,” I confess. My tears have finally dried up and I’m not as angry as I was this morning.
Confused? Yes.
Sad? Yes.
Angry? No, that dissipated with the letter and more conversation with my parents.
“But what about Luka?” Joey asks, finally joining the conversation. “I remember your mom being pregnant.”
“Did she fake it?” Cole feigns shock at the notion and I finally laugh.
“No. Nothing like that. They tried to conceive for years, but when the doctor said it would be nearly impossible for them to have a child of their own, they adopted me. I guess it was one of those things where they had me and the pressure for kids was off, then they got pregnant with Luka. Funny, I’ve always joked she was an accident when really it’s a miracle she came along at all.”
“What made them tell you today, of all days?” Haden asks. We haven’t talked since he dropped me off, and he’s hearing much of this for the first time.
“They said they wanted to tell me when I was younger, but didn’t want to confuse me, so they waited. Years went by and I guess time got away from them and with my eighteenth, they figured it was finally time.” I play with a speck on my jeans and shrug. “Still, would have been nice if they waited a day or so,” I finish sulkily.
Joey stands up and pulls me to my feet, gives me a big hug and whispers in my ear, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything earlier.”
I pull back and look at my best friend, who looks disappointed in himself.
“Joey Parker the third,” I announce and make him laugh, “you were being a good friend and I love you for it. I’m sorry I hung up on you, I was—clearly—in a bad place.”
“I can see why,” he agrees. “And now?”
“I’m working on it.”
“So this is why you called us out here?” Braxton asks.
“Actually, that was my idea,” Haden says. “She was going to meet me here, but I thought she’d like having all of us around.”
“Do you know anything about your birth parents?” Bailey asks.
“Not about him, but today, my parents told me about her. Her name is Andie,” I say quietly, “and I look a lot like her.”
“So you’re saying she’s hot,” Cole barks out. “You know I like older women—where can I find her?”
“Why is he here?” I ask Haden through a laugh.
Haden points to my smile and winks. “That’s why.”
“So you’ve seen her and you know her name?” Joey asks for confirmation.
“Yeah, my parents had some pictures and she wrote me a letter to tell me about herself and that she asked my parents to stop sending updates on me.”
Everyone sits quiet, taking everything in, and for once I don’t like the silence. Not when I know that I’m the reason for it.
“Last night you guys said we’re going on a road trip.” I was so excited about the idea last night, but today it means so much more.
“Yeah.” Braxton hops to his feet. “You still want to go, right?”
“For sure!”
“When are we doing this thing? I mean, midsummer, right? Come August, I think we’ll all be too busy packing and getting ready to leave for school.” I laugh at Joey, our ever-present mature thinker.
“I was thinking about this trip.” I pause for dramatic effect and watch their eyes pop open, prompting me to finish. “What if we each select a place to go—stop along the way, no schedule. We just go and have fun.”
“I like that idea.” Haden smiles. “I think I already have a place in mind.”
“Count me in,” Cole agrees. “I’m thinking beach. I’ll let you know which one when I figure out where the hottest girls are.”
“Great,” I groan before laughing.
“What’s wrong with that?” he protests. “Where do you want to go?”
I bite my lip and remain quiet. It’s been one day, but the questions in my head, and the shock haven’t stopped.
“Nowhere,” I lie, and Braxton narrows his eyes at me.
“Nowhere my ass. Clearly you have someplace in mind, so might as well tell us.” He points at me.
“I haven’t talked about this with my parents or anything, and it’s just an idea.” I rub my hand nervously up and down my leg. “I was thinking about finding Andie.”
Bailey’s mouth drops open and the gu
ys are silent. They actually look at me like I must be playing a joke.
“Guys, I just found out that there is a woman out there who gave me up for adoption. I love my mom and dad, you know I do, but if you saw her, you’d understand. I just have to see her. I need to do this, ya know?”
“But Lai,” Bailey clears her throat, “she told your parents she didn’t want updates—maybe that was her way of saying she wanted to disappear for good.”
I shake my head, disagreeing with her, but the guys seem to feel the same way.
“None of you know what it’s like,” I argue. “I just found out that my parents, the people who raised me, aren’t my real parents.”
“Hold up.” Joey throws his hands up but I stop him.
“Not like that. I love them and they are my parents. But to know that someone is walking around out there in this world, and I share something with them, but I’ve never met them—wouldn’t you want to know, too?”
“You forget, I know,” Cole says calmly. “Chris isn’t my dad, but he’s been that for me for as long as I can remember.”
I feel like a jerk because I know he’s right. Cole’s mom married Chris before I moved out here. I never knew Chris wasn’t his dad until the day the real guy showed up at their front door.
“Before you met your real dad, didn’t you wonder about him?” I ask.
He cocks his head to the side and thinks for second before answering. “James and my mom were a bad fit—even he says so—but he took off and left me. Chris didn’t have to be my dad, he didn’t have to raise me and love me as his own, but he does. James may be the man that gave me life, but as far as I’m concerned, Chris is my dad.”
“But that’s my point, Cole. You got to meet him and make that choice for yourself. I’m not looking to replace my parents, but now that I know a piece of me is out there somewhere, I have to see her for myself. You understand, right?”
“Yeah,” he sighs, “I really do.”
“Look, if y’all aren’t comfortable with this, I’m not going to make you. I can totally pick out someplace else, I just wanted to have you there with me in case I chicken out.” I hate the idea of going alone, but I would never push them to do something they don’t want to.
“I’ll go,” Joey says.
“I really think you should talk to your parents,” Bailey says. “Just give them a heads-up.”
“I know, you’re right,” I smile. “I don’t want to hurt them and I don’t want them to think that I don’t love them, because I do. Yeah, I was pissed. I guess I still am a little. They’re my mom and dad, no matter what—but I have to do this for me.”
“Then I’m in.” She smiles but it fades quickly. “That is, if you want me?”
Joey looks at me to wait for my answer. He’s head over heels for Bailey, but he also wants our approval, and it’s sad considering his advice to me about Haden.
“Bailey,” I walk over and throw my arm over her shoulder, “I hate to tell you, but you are one of us. Where we go—you go.”
Chapter 18 ~ Finding Allies
“Make sure that you study over Christmas break,” Mr. Tredway announces over the bell ringing. “There will be a test when you come back.”
Everyone groans and rolls their eyes as they place their papers in the tray on his desk. He looks entirely too smug and we’ve never mended fences after my ill-advised verbal debate with him. I have to admit, however, he has started focusing more on the lesson and less on his phone. As for me, I’ve learned it’s better to keep my mouth shut.
“Ms. Nixon,” he calls just before I leave the room. “A minute, please.”
Joey stops to wait for me, but I wave him on and watch him hesitate before doing so.
There’s a few people lagging behind, but Mr. Tredway doesn’t seem to care. “Your counselor and I had a talk and it seems that your grades have put you in the top ten percent so far this year.”
“Really?” I ask in shock. I mean I knew I was doing well, but not that well.
“That’s all you have to say?”
“I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow.”
“Have you sent in your college applications yet?”
“No, sir. I was planning on doing that over break.” He gives me a disapproving look and sits on his desktop with his arms crossed over his chest. “You need to get a move on. And you’ll be needing letters of recommendation, so if you’d like for me to write one, I’d be happy to do that.”
It takes everything in me to keep my jaw from dropping open. The man openly despises me—yet here he is, offering to help me get into college. I guess he can sense my skepticism, so he gets up and walks back to his seat.
“We got off on the wrong foot, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to succeed.”
“Thank you” is all I am able to manage.
“You need to be thinking about your essay. Something that makes you different or says who you are. You’re applying to the best colleges, I assume, and you want to stand out. Aside from your attitude, is there anything else about you that stands out?”
I haven’t said anything more about my adoption since I found out. I’ve talked to the guys, Bailey, and my parents, but other than that I’ve kept it to myself.
“I found out last month that I was adopted.” I say the words, but it’s barely a whisper.
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of, Ms. Nixon,” he says with sincerity.
I find myself righting my posture before I speak. “I’m not ashamed. I have amazing parents, and even though I’m still dealing with it, I’m not ashamed.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” he says and clasps his hands in front of him on his desktop. “I think you have a compelling story to tell, because you are not your adoption, you are not your parents, and you are not who people label you as. And if you would like for me to look it over, I’d be honored.”
“Th—thank you, Mr. Tredway,” I manage, though I’m not sure he made any of that out. “I need to go, I’m about to be late to lunch.”
He simply nods his head and I walk out in a daze toward the cafeteria. I spot the guys across the way and meet up with them as I try to figure out what just happened. Haden scoots over so I can sit next to him and Bailey is sitting across from me with Joey.
“What’d Treadmill want?” Joey says, making both Cole and Braxton laugh.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I shake my head at the thought.
“Try me.” He winks.
“He just offered to write me a letter of recommendation for my college applications.”
“No way,” Joey says with shock-filled eyes.
“And he also told me that I’m in the top ten percent,” I finish.
Joey raises his hand to high-five me and sits back down. He takes a bite out of his burger and with a mouthful of food points to himself and says, “Top five.”
“Way to steal her thunder, jackass.” Bailey pushes him and laughs.
You know that moment when you feel someone looking at you and you don’t want to acknowledge it? Yeah, well, I can feel more than someone looking at me, and by the looks on the guys’ faces, I’m not the only one.
“Makes sense. I mean, why would her mom want to keep her?” I hear someone say and my blood runs hot.
“You’re terrible,” another girl’s voice says. “But then again, we’re talking about Laila. No one wants her around.”
I turn in my seat to see Candace Richmond and Hilary Dyer, fellow classmates, laughing and commenting about me. I look at my group of friends and all of them shrug, letting me know that they haven’t said anything, and then I remember that there were still people in Mr. Tredway’s class when I told him the truth. I stand up and walk over to the two catty jerks and slam my palm onto the end of their table to get their attention.
“Since you two can’t seem to keep my name out of your mouth, why don’t I help you out?” My voice is low and quiet, but the entire cafeteria is watching.
“Gross, can
you not touch the table? we don’t know where you’ve been,” Candace says as she looks me up and down.
“We all know where you’ve been,” I look to Hilary, who I have heard talking about her friend on numerous occasions, “don’t we, Hil?”
The two girls exchange looks of shock and anger, but hide it to maintain solidarity. I could let it go, but they have pushed me to my limit and I’ve had enough of their insults to last me a while.
“You know what they say: something about friends sharing everyone—oh, I mean, everything.” I look back to the guys and ask them, “Do y’all know that saying?”
They laugh and shake their heads but jump to their feet when Candace stands up and gets in my face.
“You’re a joke, Laila. Everyone knows it, and this place would be a lot better if you never existed,” she finishes before pushing me backward. I stumble but regain my footing when my back hits someone who grabs my shoulders.
“Don’t do it,” a voice I don’t recognize warns me. I whip my head around to see a tall girl with jet-black hair and striking blue eyes looking at me. “She’s not worth it.”
I turn back to see Candace’s face going pale as she stares at my newest ally. I nod my head and walk away, despite the jeers and applauding for Candace, who really didn’t do anything. When I walk back to the table, Haden rubs my back and kisses my cheek, checking to see that I’m okay.
“She’s not worth it.” I repeat the words aloud, trying to convince myself of their truth. “But it would feel damn good to shut her up for once.”
“Who was that?” Bailey asks.
“I’ve never seen her before,” Braxton says before questioning the rest of us. None of us seem to know who she is, and apparently no one has seen her before. New people usually stick out, but this is really the first I’ve seen of her.
“Yeah, and where did she go?” I ask, trying to find the girl, but she’s nowhere to be seen.
* * *
The ‘fight’ has been the talk of the day, and it’s laughable since it was barely anything at all. Of course, the story has been spun to make Candace the heroine and me the joke, but I don’t care. It’s the last day of school before Christmas break and it can’t end soon enough.
