by T. K. Rapp
Haden walks over and wraps his arms around me in what will likely go down as the saddest hug I’ve ever encountered. I hate goodbyes. Watching Joey and Cole leave hurt so much and I’ve barely gotten over it, but Haden isn’t just my friend, he’s my boyfriend. The pain in my chest is hard to ignore.
“I have to go,” he rasps.
“I’ll walk you out.”
Dad shakes his hand and Mom pulls him in for a hug, wishing him good luck.
“We’ll see you soon,” she says.
I thread my fingers through Haden’s and he says a quick goodbye to Chelsea as we walk out the door. Neither of us rush the trek to his car, but we don’t say anything either until we are standing at the driver side door. He rests against the car and I instinctively lean in to him and allow him to hold me once more before he leaves. I bury my face against his chest and he runs his hand up and down my back.
Don’t go. I want to say the words, but I won’t.
“This year with you has been everything I hoped,” he says.
“I’m so glad that you let me in,” I say and turn my face to look into his. “I don’t want to let you go, but I have to. I never expected to be able to love you the way I do, and it’s been worth everything.”
“Never let me go,” he cups my face in his hands and brings his lips to mine, “because I’m never letting you go.”
“You can’t know that,” I argue halfheartedly.
“I’ll tell you what I know: we were friends first, and that’s something that will never change. You’re stuck with me.”
“I can handle that.” I smile. “Do you really think we could be that one couple that makes the long distance thing work?”
“Why not us?” He raises his eyebrow and grins.
“We’re so going to be that couple that makes everyone else jealous because we’re so awesome.” I wink and back my words with all the confidence I can muster.
“Yeah we are,” he agrees and kisses me until all I can think about is the next time I get to kiss him again.
I move away and give him room to get into his car, watching him start the engine. He closes the door and I lean in for one last kiss before he closes it. Slowly, he backs out of the parking spot and I stand rooted in place as I watch his car disappear from my view and allow my tears to fall.
Mom and Dad need to head back home, but I know they’re waiting in my room so we can say our goodbye. I wipe my tears and walk back to my room to find Mom and Dad setting up a few of my things. Since the room came furnished all I need to do is add a few elements from home to make it my own. Mom grabs the box that Haden brought up from his car and pulls out a frame that has pictures of me with the guys from when we were young.
“That goes on my desk,” I say, taking the frame from her and setting it where I’d like to see it every day. “I love you both, but I got this.”
“Are you sure? We don’t mind,” Mom says. I see the tears welling in her eyes, but I do my best to look past them for now.
“I know, but it’s fine, you have a long drive.”
Dad walks over and hugs me, telling me to take care of myself and study hard. Mom can barely say anything and I think she’s moments away from losing it altogether. I thank them for everything and promise to call and let them know how my first day goes. We all know that I’ll be calling every day, three times a day, but they still like the assurance.
Mom refuses to let me walk them down to the car because it will be too hard to leave so we stand outside my door.
“I’m so proud of you,” Mom gushes. “Be careful. And if you need anything, you let me know.”
“I will. I love you both, so much.”
“We love you, too,” Mom answers.
Dad grabs Mom and me and holds us tightly, unable to say much but a muffled “I love you.”
“I love you, too, Dad.”
They step away and Mom wipes her eyes and kisses me one last time before they finally turn and take the steps to leave me. I remain outside my apartment, waiting to see if they come back; but they don’t, so I finally go back to my room to finish unpacking.
I start with the box Mom had on my bed that contains my favorite pictures from my room back home. Pictures of my parents, the guys, Bailey and Ree, and my sister are piled in no particular order, but one by one, I set them around the room and feel relaxed.
There’s one more picture, but I don’t recall packing it.
When I pull it out, I let out a gasp and stare at the image in awe. It’s a painting of me when I was a little girl, filled with hope. I’m sitting on lush green grass looking at the various things happening around me.
I’ve never seen this piece.
I turn the frame over and there’s a note in Haden’s handwriting. I sit down on the edge of my bed and read his words.
Lai,
By the time you see this, I’ve already left, so I want you to know I miss you already. I painted this a couple of years ago, but I never showed anyone. I call it Finding Laila.
I remember once we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. All of us had dreams of who and what we were going to be, but you had no idea. You said that it would come to you when you were older so you weren’t worried about it because you were going to find yourself someday.
I have loved you for so long, and I know you love me. No matter what the future holds, I want you to find the Laila you are meant to be, because I’m going to love every version of her.
This isn’t goodbye, this is just I love you, until I get to tell you again.
Love,
Haden
Epilogue ~ Finding Life
Two Years Later
“I can’t do this,” I say through my tears. “I’m not ready.”
“No one is ready for this, babe,” Haden says, rubbing my back. “But we have to.”
I walk to the mirror and look at my haggard appearance—not that I care what I actually look like. My eyes are puffy from crying for days on end and my nose is red for the same reason. My hair is pulled into a low ponytail because I couldn’t get myself to make more of an effort.
Why does it matter anyway?
“Lai, it’s time to go,” Mom says as she walks into my room. I turn to face her and she wraps me in her arms to hold me while I sob for the millionth time today. She doesn’t offer any words of consolation, because there are none.
“Your dad and Luka are in the car. I’m going to let them know you’re on your way down.”
She takes my face into her hands and kisses my forehead before walking out of my room and leaving me with Haden. He’s been so strong throughout all of this and I’m so grateful to have him here.
“You ready?” he asks as he reaches for my hand.
This question causes the tears to well in my eyes, though they’ve never really stopped. He pulls me to his chest and holds me close as sobs consume me once again, but I stop long enough to make the short trek outside to the waiting car.
Dad sees me and opens the car door where Luka waits, her eyes filled with sadness. Haden is situating himself on the other side of my little sister and wraps an arm around her. She’s so young, but she feels the loss, too.
It’s hard to keep the tears from falling, and even harder when Luka rests her head on my shoulder as she rubs my arm to comfort me. Haden hasn’t said much, but I know he’s hurting as much as me.
The ride is quiet and somber; no one utters a sound to fill the space because it can’t be filled. Empty words won’t bring him back.
The drive feels as though it has taken hours when Dad pulls up to the funeral home, but it can’t be more than twenty minutes away. Time isn’t something I’ve been keeping track of since I got the call.
I just talked to him the other day. He can’t be gone.
Bailey and Ree are standing outside consoling each other when I walk up, and both turn to embrace me. Together we cry for our friend who we loved and will never get to see again.
Haden wraps his arm arou
nd my waist and leads me inside where a crowd gathers, crying and sharing memories. I don’t care about who’s here and who’s not because the one person I want here is gone. Forever.
“It’s not him,” I whisper. “It’s not him.”
If I say it out loud, it will be true.
We walk down the aisle, the sound of sobs and wailing are around me, but I focus on the casket at the end. It’s closed, we were told, because he wasn’t recognizable after the accident, yet I want to see him, because there’s no way he’s really in there.
He can’t be.
I turn my head into Haden’s chest and let out a cry; my shoulders shake with my sobs.
“Where’s his mom?” I ask, finally looking around the room to spot her, but I find her sitting in the first row, almost unable to breathe.
I rush to her and she stands up, folding me into her arms as we cry for him together.
“I don’t know what to say; I just want him back,” I cry.
“He loved you all so much,” she says through her tears. “You know that, right?”
I nod, unable to formulate a sentence.
“Joey loved you, Laila.”
“I know. He was my best friend, we talked all the time—I just don’t—I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without him.”
Mrs. Parker cups my cheek in her hand and nods but says nothing before walking to her husband. I notice that Cole and Braxton have arrived and walk over looking as destroyed as I feel.
Braxton and Haden drove to my apartment on the night of the accident and brought me to my parents’ house, where we waited for Cole until his flight arrived. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare because there’s no way Joey is really dead.
I’m not sure any of us have slept much in the last four days. We’ve spent every waking minute together crying and trying to figure out how this could have happened to our best friend.
The funeral director asks everyone to take their seats, and there is standing room only. Mrs. Parker saved us a seat next to her and Mr. Parker because she said we were Joey’s family. Haden wraps his arm around my shoulder but keeps his eyes focused ahead. His eyes are bloodshot from the hours of crying with the rest of us. Braxton is sitting on the other side of Haden, anxiously running his hand up and down his leg in an effort to calm himself. But it’s Cole that I’m worried about: for all of his bravado and humor, he’s a broken man. His head is resting on my shoulder, unable to look ahead and face the one thing that none of us are ready to do.
“Joey Parker the third,” the funeral director starts, but I tune him out. There is nothing that he can tell me about my best friend that I don’t already know; there are no words that he can tell me to relieve the ache in my heart, so I close my eyes and wait for Joey to come back to me, even if it’s only a memory from the time I saw him last month.
* * *
“Lai, meet me at the quarry,” Joey demands. “I’m leaving soon so we need to hang out before I go.”
“See you in twenty,” I answer.
He has been home for a few weeks, but I’ve been finishing up a summer session at school. As soon as it ended, I came home to relax and finally see my guys. It’s been far too long since all of us have been home at the same time, even though we talk almost daily.
I step through the bushes and spot Joey sitting at the same spot he used to occupy in our heyday. I walk over and he stands up to give me a big hug and kisses my cheek.
“Damn, Lai, you look good,” he smiles.
“You’re not looking so bad yourself, sir,” I tease. “What have you been doing today?”
“Just hanging out.”
“Where is everyone?” I ask, looking around.
“They’ll be here later,” he answers as he walks me over to my spot.
“I’m so glad you’re home. I’ve missed you so much,” I tell him.
He gives me that grin and I lean my head on his shoulder. “How can you miss me? You call me every day,” he laughs.
“I can stop,” I joke and narrow my eyes at him playfully.
“Did I say it’s a bad thing?”
“God, I miss you,” I tell him honestly. “I wish you were here all the time.”
“Sorry, kid, but I have places to be.”
“No you don’t,” I counter. “You know you want to be here forever.”
He looks out at the quarry and nods in agreement. “Yeah, I’d say this, right here, with you is pretty damn perfect.”
“Liar. You’re meant for bigger and better things because you’re so damn smart—you’re going to leave all of us in your dust.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” he says with a smile. “You’re meant for bigger and better things, you just have to go out there and grab them. Take everything you can from life.”
“Is that what you’re doing out there in New York?” I laugh because I know he is.
“Bet your ass I am,” he says with a cocky grin. “And I tell you what: if you don’t do the same thing, I’m going to be pissed.”
“Is this why you called me out here? To give me a lecture?”
“I’m older and wiser than you,” he muses. “So you’re supposed to listen to me.”
“You’re older by a month. And the smarter part—well, that’s debatable,” I tease.
He laughs his loud, boisterous laugh and kisses the top of my head. He seems genuinely amused with my stupid remark, and it makes me laugh along with him.
“Never change, Laila Jude, because I love you just as you are,” he smiles. “I just want you to be happy and have everything you ever wanted. Are you happy?”
“I’m here with my best friend—I’m very happy,” I tell him truthfully.
“I’ll always be here,” he says.
“Promise?”
“Till the day I die,” he answers, hugging me again.
* * *
I couldn’t stay there anymore, and when I asked the guys to come with me to the quarry, they were quick to agree. The funeral home isn’t where I want to remember Joey. I want to remember him smiling, laughing—living. I want to remember all those conversations and world problems that we thought we’d solved in this spot. I want to hold onto all of it for as long as I can.
“The funeral director said, ‘He will be missed by many, but will live on in our memories.’ I think the best way to remember him is here, in the place he loved so much,” I tell the guys.
This place was our paradise, our escape. Some of my happiest times were spent here with these guys, and though we are brokenhearted, this is what Joey would want. Cole, Braxton, and Haden nod in agreement and one by one walk toward the spots we occupied for so many years, but none of us can bring ourselves to sit.
Cole wipes his eyes and I wrap my arms around him as we cry together. Braxton walks over and pulls both of us to him, his tears joining our own. I look over to see Haden fighting his emotions, but I reach for his hand and he willingly steps toward us.
As we stand together, I hear Joey’s words echoed from graduation and it brings a teary smile to my eyes.
We have made friendships we will have for a long time, while other friendships have come to an end. Hearts have been broken, only to be patched up when someone new comes along. We made mistakes—lots of them. But we learned. We fought. We laughed. We partied. We did everything we should do in high school. We lived.
We embrace each other painfully aware of our missing piece, but in this moment, I know we are as strong as we’ve ever been.
These guys have been, and will always be, my solid ground. We will get through this like we have everything else that’s come our way.
Together.
Because even when someone is gone, they still live on inside you. And I promised Joey that I would go out and live my life, achieve my dreams, and for him I will. Because I am Laila Nixon and I’m going to be okay.
Acknowledgments
This story came to me after numerous conversations with my daughters. Gidget and Peese i
nspire me every day; without them, I wouldn’t be the person I am. Thank you, my beautiful angels, for pushing me to write this story. I love you girls so very much.
With the help of beta readers like Kimberly Stedronsky, Sarahbeth Caplin Stoneburner, Lisa Karafa, Kari Gardner, Alisha Brown, and RoseAnn Rapp - Finding Laila, found its voice. Thank you all for believing in this story and making me smile with your feedback.
I have a wonderful group of critique partners who help keep me sane. They are intelligent, talented, kind, amazing and strong women, and I am always learning something new. For the last year, they have helped me improve and grow and I am eternally grateful to have them in my life. A skype date is in order. Soon.
Stacey Lynn, A. Meredith Walters and Claire C. Riley, I can’t thank you enough for reading this, loving Laila and the boys, and giving me ways to tweak their story. You made me smile - and cringe - with your notes and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Your honesty and suggestions are something I actually look forward to reading.
This year brought many personal introductions, and these writers have shared, listened, and become my friends. Penny Reid, Lori Otto, Kahlen Aymes, Erin Noelle, Kayla Robichaux, Sierra Cartwright, Jessica Prince, and the others I have met and will meet, thank you for your friendship and kind hearts.
Amy Queau, meeting you was simply amazing, and I’m so thankful to have you and your encouragement. Goose, Kimotherapy - my wifey - what can I say? It feels like I’ve known you forever, and I’m so blessed to have you in my corner. Sharing like minds is something I have come to expect and yet, still laugh when it happens. Lisa, my friend and confidant, I’m so glad I got to hug you and hang out, but mostly to show me what I already knew - that you are special.
Kathryn Falk - my mentor, friend and neighbor, thank you for allowing me into your world. You brought three ladies into my life that make me smile every week, and I look forward to it. Kayla, Erin, and Sierra thank you for your unconditional support and encouragement.
A special thank you to bloggers whose love of books and willingness to share that love with others helps so many of us. Southern Belle Book Blog, Penny for My Thoughts Book Blog, Saucy Books, Wicked Women Book Blog, Falling in Fall, Nerdy Book Freak, The Book Hoarders, A Pair of Okies, Confessions of an Unsuspected Bookworm, Reading Past My Bedtime, Typical Distractions, YA Book Madness, We Like it Big Book Blog, We Stole Your Book Boyfriend, Once Upon a Crush, Jodie’s Wine List, A Literary Perusal, Fiction Fangirls, Sexy Bibliophiles, Sugar & Spice Book Reviews, Thoughts of an Avid Reader, and all the other bloggers who have helped share Finding Laila, thank you.
