I cried out as he yanked me upright by my hair, his fingers twisting the length in his hold until it snatched at my scalp and made my temples burn. He jerked my head until my face was an inch from his.
“Now, I’m going to make this simple for you, Mae. Meet my demands with perfection and this will be a lot easier. Fight me, disobey my orders, then you will need to be aware that I will take your obstinacy as a direct request for punishment. Do you understand me?”
I stared at him. My jaw was locked; my throat was constricted to an extent that it refused anything including air to escape, and my mouth had dried up to the degree that my tongue had swollen.
He shook me hard, a deep red tint seeping onto his pale face with fury at my silence. “Do – you – understand – me?”
I nodded but didn’t answer, causing him to narrow his eyes. “Speak!”
I blinked at him but managed to choke out a yes with another nod of my head.
“Good.” He let go of my hair and watched me closely. “Take off your clothes.”
“No!” I shook my head furiously, my instincts still fighting the bastard all the way. Fuck him and his punishment. Fuck him and his demands! I was built to fight, my mind moulded to deny any submission. If he wanted me then I wasn’t about to make it easy for him. I was created to conflict anything hostile, therefore making this not just harder on myself but, almost gleefully, a lot more challenging for him.
The light disappeared as my body crashed into the water, the slap against the surface stung my back even through the material of my top. It was warm and almost pleasurable, its comfort embracing me and soothing my body slightly. I surfaced and coughed, spluttering on the little water that had managed to trickle into my lungs. My eyes tingled with the chemicals in the water as I pushed my hair from my face.
“I warned you, Mae. Now you’ve just made this a whole lot more stimulating. I repeat, take – off – your – clothes.”
“No!”
I pushed back and started to swim across the water, my arms aching as the fear coursing through me swallowed up my adrenaline. Although I was usually a good swimmer, I wasn’t world class but I wasn’t an amateur, the panic riding me made the task torturous and gruelling, my muscles appealing with me to give up and grant them respite.
I palmed the edge of the pool and pushed myself up. Fingers curled around my ankle and pulled me back. I hadn’t heard or felt him slip into the water behind me. As he tugged my leg, his other hand pressed down on the top of my head until I was completely underwater; his sheer strength held me exactly where he wanted me, a few inches below the surface.
I grappled with him as the oxygen rapidly depleted from my lungs. I hadn’t managed to take much of a breath before he’d plunged me under and my lungs struggled at the withdrawal of their stimulant. I kicked at him as a haze surrounded my vision and an almighty burn blistered my nostrils and throat.
He didn’t relent, his firm grip rendering me powerless under him as he showed me exactly who was boss.
My lungs heaved in vast amounts of air when he removed his hand and dragged me to the surface. The noises my throat emitted were somewhat embarrassing, well they would have been if I had given a damn about what Daniel thought of me.
“Next time, I promise I will not grant you another lifeline. The next time you disobey, you will die.” He was so blunt and carefree with his statement that I knew he would keep his word.
I nodded in defeat, hating myself for submitting but acknowledging that if I wanted to live there was nothing more to be done.
“Now, once more. Remove your slutty clothes.”
I lowered my face, not wanting to see the victory in his eyes as I tugged off my top. The weight of the water made my efforts slow and difficult but I managed to pull it off and kept my gaze on the red material as it sunk slowly to the bottom of the pool whilst I dragged at the wet denim covering my legs.
I wouldn’t describe what I felt as humiliation when my nudity was exposed to him; it was more of a deep sorrow. All that raced around my thoughts was that the first man to ever see me naked since my father was a man who I could have fallen in love with. Daniel’s gentility and attentiveness had appealed to me, had made me realise exactly what I was looking for. He had been my ideal, a man I could have spent long nights making love to, a man I could have given my soul to, but he took both those ideals and turned them into something evil and sordid, twisting my hopes and dreams into something cruel and mocking.
“Look at me, little lamb.”
I lifted my head but fixed my gaze on the wall behind his shoulder, still refusing him all of my surrender. He pinched my chin between his fingers and slowly directed my face until I was looking straight into his eyes. “I am the sort of man who will relish in your defiance, Mae. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to fight you, to take you hard and punishingly, to bruise you and make you bleed. But I’ll admit there’s something about you that I like so I’m willing to make this easy for you.”
The way he spoke brought on a warm glow, a relief that he liked me. His acceptance made my belly flutter.
It was this realisation that made me spin my head and vomit on the surface of the water. How could a monster bring out these feelings of need and want? How could someone who was about to hurt me make me crave his acceptance and then bask in the small amount of praise he gave me?
Nausea and anger brought my tears as I finally submitted and let him take what he wanted. I wasn’t worthy of any more anyway; the way I had delighted in his approval made me as sick as him.
He sighed as though disappointed in me before he told me to climb out and stand facing the wall.
I did as he asked without hesitation or argument. I had given in, completely handed myself over to him. Whether it was instinct that took away my fight or whether my brain realised it was this or die, I wasn’t sure, but I abandoned any hope that this was all a mistake and I would be leaving there with my soul unbroken.
“See how easy it is? How simple this whole thing will pass if you obey?”
I nodded. I knew it was expected as I murmured a yes to accompany the gesture. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, the heat from him trickling across my wet skin as a shiver ravaged my body. “Now bend forward and palm the wall.”
I closed my eyes and slid my hands along the cool tiles, concentrating on the texture of the smooth surface.
A solitary tear slipped from the corner of my eye as Daniel took my innocence in a single thrust. I never felt the pain of losing my virginity, all I experienced was an overwhelming numbness that rolled over me like a mist across the morning tide. A detachment surrounded me as his fingers curled around my hips and he began to groan.
It’s funny how you think you’ll react when being raped. I’m not sure how other people saw it but I always imagined I’d scream and cry and fight, but in the moment, in the actual moment that a man took away my soul, I felt nothing.
I closed my eyes as another tear leaked from me, just a sole one, a lonely one that craved the comfort of its partner and chased it down my face quickly as it tried to gain solace from its mate. I wanted to catch it on my finger before it dripped off my chin and abandoned me. I needed it to remain with me; the only sensation I could feel was its trickle down my face and I had an overwhelming feeling that when it managed to leave me, it would take the remaining parts of my spirit with it.
But it didn’t hear my pleas; it didn’t wait to see the massacre unfold as it fell from my face and splashed on the floor by my little toe.
My mother’s smile comforted me as Daniel thrust harder and clawed at my back, his nails scraping the skin on either side of my spinal column as he grew feverish and animalistic. I was flung around. My knees crashed on the hard floor as a hand pushed my head down until I was completely flat against the floor, my cheek squashed against the unforgiving coldness of the floor tiles. Yet, still I remained unfeeling and disconnected.
Comfort came in the image of my mother’s beautiful s
mile and happy eyes as she took my hand and led me across the field. The swallows were out, their silhouettes gliding against the sunlight, providing shadows to dance across the strip of sunlight marking our path through the trees. Their song was a pretty one, as though they welcomed me and my mother to their home, their happy calls of pride in their habitat brought my mother’s laughter.
Another tear fell as I felt him become more frenzied. Yule, our three-year-old Scotty dog, bounced after a stick my mom threw, his tail swishing happily as he chased and fetched. I laughed when he leapt after a squirrel and dived straight into the stream. He had never been a good judge of his surroundings, his constant knocks and grazes against all things in his path had been the bane of my parents’ life with expensive vet bills, but their love for Yule had seen them fork out hundreds after hundreds.
I started to sing with my dead Mother as she grinned happily at me. Somewhere over the Rainbow filled my thoughts, taking my attention as my hand swung in hers and we giggled and sang louder. The swallows scurried away, making us laugh harder as we scared them with our singing.
I started to lose consciousness when something was slipped into my mouth, an old rag or some sort of towel stuffed between my open jaws. I groaned when I eventually felt something. There was a mass of wetness between my legs that felt warm and almost obstructive. The sensation made me shiver as revulsion coiled in my gut.
“Oh dear, and I said I wouldn’t make you bleed.” Daniel’s voice fluttered around in my head but the haze unfocussed the meaning of his words and I continued to stare at the small crack in one of the tiles on the wall.
I didn’t feel him finish, or pull out. I didn’t even feel the pull of sleep after he slid a needle into my vein. All I felt was the overwhelming warmth of motherly comfort I had missed for over four years.
She had always been there through my childhood scrapes and calamities, had always soothed me and mopped up my tears. She had always shown me where to find my courage, how to dig deep inside me and pull up the nerve to deal with life’s hell.
And even though she left me four years ago with my father in a fatal car accident, she had remained true and returned to help me through the most horrific hell I could face.
It would be another three years before I saw her again, but this time she would be taking me back, as should be, mother and daughter together.
Chapter Three
‘Do not pity yourself, others will do that.’
Aged 21
I smirked to myself as I circled the spoon in my coffee, the pattern it made deeply mesmerising. The couple at the opposite table had been arguing for over twenty minutes. Apparently she wanted to buy her mother a Kindle for Christmas; he said they were way too expensive, around thirty pounds more than he wanted to spend on her. So then she said the photo shoot he wanted to arrange for his mother could take a swim in the canal because that was around forty pounds more than a Kindle.
Thank God I would be buying just one gift this year - the semi-expensive bottle of wine I always treated myself to when watching A Wonderful Life.
I turned my gaze away from them and sighed as I saw the first snow of the year collect on the bottom edge of the windowsill. I hated snow with a passion. I’d fallen on the damn stuff when I was around nine and broke my arm, a week before the gymnastics tournament I’d had a good chance of winning.
Numerous couples strolled past, each carrying a vast array of gift bags and treats for the holiday period, their bonuses from the yearly toil at work providing them with the luxury of what Christmas was.
High powered businessmen rushed into jewellers to buy last minute expensive offerings for their wives that would get them laid for the first time since their birthday in the summer. Giggling children looked to the sky, each opening their mouths eagerly to catch as many flakes as possible as the many festive lights in the store windows danced across their faces, lighting them up even more than their own excitement.
I smiled and wiggled my fingers at a little girl, no more than four, who stared at me through the window, her hand holding tightly onto her mother’s, who was currently discussing the latest gossip with a friend she hadn’t seen for a week.
Her lips twitched nervously before the small smile grew into a grin and she waved back hesitantly. Her mother looked down then turned to see what had caught her daughter’s attention. She narrowed her eyes then pulled the little girl round to the front of her and out of view.
I sighed sadly as the window reflected to me what the mother had seen. I quickly turned back to the interior of the café, hiding myself from both the public and myself.
John, one of the waiters who worked in the small café I always frequented, smiled sadly at me then winked. I hated his pity, hated the way he would give me the biggest pastry or how he would often slide me an extra coffee when his boss was in the back. Yet I smiled back, as always, before I stood and pulled on my coat, slipping my scarf around my neck and tugging on my gloves.
“See ya tomorrow, Mae,” John called to me as I headed towards the door.
I smiled and lifted my hand to him, ignoring the way his eyes roved over my coat and then down to my backside. I needed a new coat, one that preferably covered my backside.
The cold bit at my face when I stepped into the street, the ice that already covered the pavement made my feet skid in my cheap shoes and my hand shot out to grab onto the lamppost.
“Whoa, steady.”
I turned to the voice as hands shot around my waist to halt my fall. “Thank you.” I smiled appreciatively at the man as he held on to me tightly.
His smile dropped and he nodded quickly before he let me go and walked off hurriedly, his own feet skidding in his haste to get away from the monster. I stared after him, insensitive to his reaction. I was hardened to their responses when they saw me, detachment and disinterest being a blessed emotion.
The walk home took longer than the usual fifteen minutes as my attention was sucked in by all the glorious pieces in each of the huge department store windows. Pretty cocktail dresses in pinks, blues and creams dressed pretty mannequins in one, delicate glistening jewelled necklaces on an assortment of shelves decorated another window but it was always the final window that stole my breath and formed many of my dreams. The beautiful wedding dress that hung from the model in the window was the most exquisite thing I’d ever seen. It hugged the sculpture perfectly, the soft cream lace draping dreamily as the tiny diamante butterflies embedded into the fine silk of the skirt twinkled with the shop lights. The pretty sweetheart neckline was complimented with the most beautiful blue diamond that hung from a platinum chain and rested precisely at the base of her throat.
The male mannequin was dressed in the finest suit, expensive and stylish, as he rested on one knee before the lady, holding her hand as he slipped a ring onto her finger.
Rose petals and white blossom littered the floor around their feet as various lights sparkled in the floor, giving the scene a fairy-tale aspect.
I ran my finger over the window, the wool of my gloves scratching at the ice that had formed as I traced around the love heart that had been painted onto the window. I sighed as I read the passage on the prop board behind the happy couple, ‘Love is made from dreams, and dreams are made of love’.
That’s all mine would ever be, dreams. My hopes were just dreams, my future just a dream made up from the nightmares of my past.
I knew this scene before me would never belong to me; that was why it seemed to embrace me as it simultaneously taunted me. It gave me something to dream of when I had plenty of horrors to keep me awake at night.
No man would ever look at me the way this artificial man looked at his love, the way his eyes idolised his bride, the way his dreams all featured his pretty wife.
I was too ugly to be idolised, inside and out. I had made sure of both. I had made sure that no man would ever look at me and desire me.
I had created a monster that would repel the Devil himself.
~~~
“Going to Bert’s?” Spud asked as I punched my card out the next afternoon. I nodded without looking at him. “I’ll walk with ya. I need to nip in Theo’s for a gift for Theresa.”
I quirked an eyebrow and finally looked at him. “Spud, its Christmas Eve. Are you telling me you haven’t bought your wife’s present yet?”
He shrugged. “Haven’t had the money ‘til today. I was hoping on a bonus but…”
“That hope shot you in the leg.” I laughed.
Spud and I had worked together in the pizza factory for around two years. He was fun but very childlike, which left me wondering many times how his wife ever coped with him, yet we had hit it off from the start, both of us with the same sense of humour and anger at life. “Mmm, you’d think just one year Tony would push the boat out. I mean it’s Christmas and all.”
I leaned into him as we pushed out of the factory doors; the late afternoon air was heavy with the promise of more snow. “I’ll let you into a secret about Tony’s wealth.” I told him quietly. “Tony is rich. Humungously rich. And the reason for that is because he doesn’t give his petty workers a Christmas bonus. Instead he spends that horde of cash on prostitutes, slaves and golf clubs.”
Spud nodded slowly. “Ahh, and here was me thinking he just hated us.”
I chuckled and nudged him with my elbow as we reached the door to Bert’s café. “How can he hate us? We’re the pepperoni and cheese on his pizza.”
He smiled at me and slid his arm around my waist to give me a brotherly hug, his lips quickly pecking the top of my head. “And it’s about time you were the pepperoni and cheese to someone else’s pizza, Mae.”
The Decimation of Mae (The Blue Butterfly) Page 3
