I want to tell her I love her again. Only this time, I’ll make her really hear it. But I don’t get the chance. Josie spits out the pacifier and cries. She’s hungry.
Amber hops out of bed. “I’ll go make her bottle.”
I gather Josie up and take her to her room. “Let’s see, what do you want to wear today?” I sift through the drawer and pull out a new outfit. “How about this one? See here? It’s got lipstick kisses all over it. Amber must have gotten it because she thinks you’re so kissable. You are, you know. Just don’t let all the guys kiss you when you get older. Only the deserving ones.” I laugh. “What am I saying? No one will be good enough for you, JoJo.”
I take off her sleeper and change her diaper, noticing how the rash is almost gone. “I’ll bet you’re feeling a lot better today, aren’t you?” I get the lotion the doctor recommended and rub it on her. “Does that feel good?” She watches my lips as I speak to her. It makes me wonder when she’s going to start talking, and then I feel sad, knowing I won’t be the one to hear her first words. “I hope whoever you end up with is as amazing as Amber.”
I pick Josie up and turn, seeing Amber leaning against the doorway taking another picture. “I love that outfit,” she says.
I chuckle. “Kind of reminds me what I did to you last night.”
“You did kiss almost every inch of me.”
“Stop it. You’ll get me hard.”
“You’re always hard.”
“Can I help it if I have a sexy girlfriend?”
She takes Josie from me. “Go shower. I’ll feed her.”
I kiss both of them on the head and go on my way. I mentally sift through my schedule for the week. The lodge had a group cancel, so no flying for me until the next group arrives. The north stable needs more shingles replaced; I can easily do that. And Maddox asked me to join him at a horse auction, but I can’t remember the day. A big part of the business on the ranch is buying and selling horses. We’ve got a dozen empty stalls he wants to fill. He’ll train the horses and turn them for a huge profit. New horses mean a lot of work for all of us, and I’m only too happy to help. Now that Jon is hopefully gone for a good long time, I can concentrate on my future. I get out of the shower and glance at the bathroom door. The only thing is—I have no idea what that future holds.
Amber is sitting on the bed, staring at something, when I emerge from the closet.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Sophie brought in the mail. I guess the mailman was outside when she pulled up.” She hands me an envelope. “It came.”
My heart thunders. I look at the letter, knowing the piece of paper inside will determine my future. And suddenly, I’m terrified of the very thing I’ve thought to be true for the last thirty-nine days. I feel in my heart she isn’t mine, but at the same time, I’ve never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life.
“Get dressed,” I say, stuffing the envelope into my back pocket. “We’re not doing this here.”
“We’re not?”
I go into the closet and get a shirt and jeans for her. “Put these on.” She does, then follows me out of the room. “Sophie, we’re going on a walk.”
She nods. She knows what’s in the envelope too. We’ve all been waiting for it for weeks. “Take your time. We’re good here.”
We leave, walk down the porch steps, and head for the arena. It’s where Amber goes when she needs to think. I’ve seen her there more than a few times these past weeks. We pass workers along the way but don’t stop to talk. I lead her to the far end of the bleachers. Merle, one of the assistant trainers, is working with a gelding. We sit and watch him for a minute.
Finally, Amber breaks our silence. “I have to know. Are you still hoping you’re not her father?”
I pull out the envelope and slap it repeatedly against my thigh. I close my eyes. “No.”
I open the envelope but don’t unfold the piece of paper. Amber takes my hand and laces her fingers with mine. I stare at the paper, wishing it had never come.
“One way or another, everything will change after this,” she says.
I shake my head. “Not everything. I love you now, and I’ll love you after I open it.”
“And Josie? Do you love her?”
“Way to sidestep the conversation.”
She nods to the paper. “This isn’t about us, Quinn. It’s about her.”
I pull my hand from hers and run a finger along the crease of the letter. “I never thought I’d love anyone, Amber. And now I love two people.”
She swallows, and a tear rolls down her cheek. But she doesn’t say it. She doesn’t say it back. Maybe she’s as scared as I am to see what’s inside the letter. Or maybe she just doesn’t love me. I look into her eyes. No—she does. I know it.
“Fuck.” I slap the letter against the bleacher. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can,” she says. “We have to know.”
I hesitate, waiting for a sign that I shouldn’t read it. An emergency on the ranch. An earthquake. A fucking asteroid hitting Texas. Anything. But the sign doesn’t come.
So I open it.
And then my heart falls into the pit of my stomach.
Amber covers her mouth to muffle her sob.
My eyes close.
My throat thickens.
I feel sick.
She’s not mine.
“M-maybe the test is wrong,” she says.
I breathe in and then out, needing a moment to compose myself. “It’s not wrong. It’s 99.9% accurate.”
“What if you’re the point one percent?”
“I’m not.”
“But you could be.”
I stand. “Amber. I’m not. I knew it all along. Call it a feeling. Instinct. She’s not mine.”
Her head shakes over and over. “This isn’t the way it was supposed to turn out.”
My arm goes around her. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wanted it too. I didn’t even know how much until this very second.”
She looks up at me, eyes pooled with tears. “What do we do?”
“I have to talk to Michelle.”
She pulls away. “Take her back to the woman who abandoned her?”
“What if she’s changed her mind?”
“Quinn, she hasn’t shown up. Hasn’t called. It’s been over a month.”
“But she thought Josie was mine. Knowing she isn’t might make a difference. Michelle has to know. We have to tell her.”
“So, what? We’re just going to pack up all of Josie’s stuff and take her back? Return her like an unwanted shirt?”
“No. You’re right. I’m not simply going to hand her over to be abandoned again. If Michelle doesn’t want her, we’ll find out who her real father is. I’ll hire a PI. If we can’t find him, or if he doesn’t want her, I’ll talk to social services. I promise I’ll do everything I can.” I lift her chin. “She’s going to have a good life. I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen. I’ll buy her way into a good family if I have to.”
I pull out my phone and text Michelle, needing to get the process started no matter how much it kills me to do so. We sit and wait.
She doesn’t reply.
Chapter Thirty-four
Amber
“You don’t have to come with me,” Quinn says. “I know this is hard for you.”
I shake my head. “I have to be there. I want to be looking into her eyes if she tells you she still doesn’t want her. I want to tell her she should think long and hard about what she’s doing to Josie.”
“She seemed pretty adamant when she dumped Josie on us.”
“But like you said, that was when she thought a rich guy was Josie’s father. With you ruled out, she must have some idea who else it could be. I don’t care how much money he has as long as he can find it in his heart to love her.”
We get into his truck. “I do appreciate you coming along,” he says. “This is hard for me too.”
We’re silent the whole way in
to Fort Worth. What more is there to talk about? We didn’t tell anyone about the results yet; they’ll find out sooner or later without us having to explain and deepen the wound. I’m sure Sophie knows. The looks on our faces when we went back to the house would have said it all. The way we both rushed to Josie, wanting to hold her; touch her. How I hugged her tightly, quietly apologizing through my tears.
Quinn rests his hand on my leg, and I lay mine on top of his. But we don’t lace our fingers together. Will anything ever be the same?
We arrive at Michelle’s apartment, and he turns off the truck. Neither of us gets out. I’m glad we didn’t bring Josie. I wouldn’t want her to hear the things I’m going to say to her mother. But I can’t even think about what happens after—when we have to go home and pack up her things.
“We can’t sit here all day,” Quinn says. He gets out and comes around to open my door.
I hesitate. “Maybe she won’t be home. What then?”
He shrugs. “We’ll come back tomorrow, I guess.”
“What if she’s on vacation? What if she moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address?”
I get that I’m grasping at straws now. Quinn cups my face with his hands. “Sweetheart, she’s Josie’s mother. We have to find her. She needs to know the results.”
I nod. “I know. I just wish…”
“I wish too.”
I slide out and we walk up the stairs to the second-floor apartment. Quinn appears to shore himself up before he knocks.
The door opens, but it’s not Michelle. “We’re looking for Michelle,” Quinn says. “Is she here?”
The woman’s head shakes. “She’s gone.”
“You seem familiar. Have we met?” He hangs his head. “Oh, Jeez, did we—”
“We didn’t,” she says. “But we have met before, Quinn.” She opens the door wider. “I’m Monica. Come in.”
“This is my girlfriend, Amber.”
Monica gives me the once-over. “Michelle told me about you. Said you looked like you’d be a good mother.”
I try not to cry.
“Will she be back soon?” he asks.
Monica belts out a deep sigh. Her eyes briefly close. “When I said she’s gone, I meant she’s really gone. Dead.”
My eyes widen. “Dead? When? How?”
“Took a bottle of pills a month ago.”
Quinn sits and scrubs his palm over his face. “Well, shit.”
“If I’m being honest, I half expected you to show up long before now.”
“Why’s that?”
“I assume you got a paternity test. And since you’re here, that can only mean one thing: Josie isn’t yours.”
“There were delays. It came back this morning. Wait… if you expected this, you know I’m not Josie’s dad. And if you know, Michelle knew too. What the fuck? Why did she dump her kid on me?”
“We weren’t sure who the father was. We hoped it was you. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out,” Monica says. “You’re rich, and not ugly rich like the rest of your family. She knew you could give Josie a good home.”
“That is so fucked up,” he says. “Money isn’t everything. What about Josie’s real father. Don’t you think he deserves to know he has a kid?”
“Michelle doesn’t know who he is.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. So she wasn’t only a deadbeat mom who didn’t care enough to stick around for her kid, but she was a slut too.”
“She was raped.”
I gasp. Quinn stands and puts an arm around me as I shake uncontrollably.
“It was the week after you hooked up with her.” She sits heavy on the couch, clearly disturbed. “It was my fault. I met a guy and left her at a bar. She said she summoned a car service. Told me she’d wait right out front until it came. I should have waited with her.”
Sickness washes over me. “Oh my god. The driver?”
“No. Someone got to her before the car came. Pulled her into a truck and took her out to a barn somewhere. We always had each other’s backs. I screwed up and she paid for it. I promised her I’d do whatever it took to make it up to her.” She gets up, crosses the room, and opens a drawer. Then she hands Quinn a wallet.
He seems to recognize it. “You stole my goddamn wallet?” He stares at her. “Of course you did. That’s how I know you. You were all over me like a cheap suit, then you up and left. It was the end of April. Right after Josie was born.”
“Michelle desperately wanted the baby to be yours. Still, she never got over her assault. She wasn’t the same after. Fell into a deep depression. It was four months before she even realized she was pregnant. She said she wasn’t fit to be a mother even if the baby wasn’t from the rape.”
“They never caught the guy?” I ask.
“She never reported it. And I’m not sorry I took your wallet. Michelle needed her to be yours, but at the hospital, they wouldn’t let her put your name on the birth certificate without a notarized letter. We devised a plan. I tracked you down, got your wallet, then found a random guy who kind of resembled you and paid him to show up and pretend to be you.”
“Wow,” he says, pacing.
“Are you going to go to the police?” Monica asks.
Quinn riffles through his wallet. “There’s still a hundred bucks in here.”
“We’re not thieves,” she says. “We were looking out for Josie. Where is she, by the way?”
“At my house. I didn’t want her here when I bit her mother’s head off.” He sits and runs a hand through his hair. He’s frustrated, but I can hardly blame him. This is all so messed up. “I’m not going to call the police. I get how you were doing it for Josie. But I will have to call my lawyer.”
“What’s going to happen to Josie?” she asks. “Michelle didn’t have any family.”
“What do you think is going to happen? She’s going to end up in foster care or some shit like that. I can’t just keep her. She’s not mine.”
She nods through her tears. “I’m s-sorry. I was really hoping she was.”
“Let’s go,” Quinn says, and we head for the door.
“Wait!” Monica leaves the room and returns. “Here, take this.” She gives him a necklace. It’s a locket with a J on the front. He opens it and finds a picture of Josie on one side and a picture of her and Michelle on the other. Looks like Josie had just been born. “Michelle wore this all the time. Give it to whoever to keep for her. So Josie can have a picture of her mom.”
He puts it into his pocket, and we leave.
In the truck, we sit, stunned. Quinn calls his lawyer and sets up an appointment for tomorrow.
“What now?” I ask.
“I guess we go home and pack her stuff. Take her to social services or whatever.”
“I could take her,” I say. “If you don’t want her, give her to me. I don’t care where I have to go.”
“You can’t just take her, sweetheart. She’s not yours. She’s not even mine. They call that kidnapping.”
“I know. I only wish there was something we could do.”
“Me too.” He pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. “I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she goes somewhere nice.”
“We don’t have to take her right now, do we? We’ve had her for more than five weeks. One more night can’t hurt.”
“Amber, it’s not right. She doesn’t belong to us.”
“One night, Quinn. Please? I’m not ready to say goodbye.”
He sits back, head resting against the seat. “One night. My appointment with the lawyer is at ten. We’ll drop her off after.”
He starts the engine, and we drive off. But again, we’re silent. My mind is busy playing a reel over and over of us handing Josie to a stranger. Will she hate us? Will she ever trust anyone again? Will she remember how much we loved her? I rub the skin over my tattoo, knowing all too well what may lie ahead for her.
At home, Quinn writes Sophie a fat check and tells her w
e won’t be needing her anymore. She says her goodbyes to Josie as we look on, knowing we’ll have to say our own soon enough.
Quinn leaves to use the bathroom. I take Josie in my arms and hug her like she’s a part of me. I embrace her until she fusses to be set free. Then I get on the floor with her and kiss her little fingers. “There will be times in your life when you question who you are and why you’re here. Listen to me, JoJo. Just because you came from something ugly does not mean you aren’t beautiful. You are. You’re the most beautiful thing in the world. And just because everyone who loved you has left doesn’t mean you’ll be alone. Quinn made a promise. He’s going to make sure you find a family that loves you.”
Quinn lies down beside us. The expression on his face tells me he heard everything I said. “You’re wrong,” he says, tracing the outline of my face with his finger. “You are the most beautiful thing in the world.”
I give him a weak smile. “How about we settle on a tie?”
“I can live with that.”
Every moment Josie isn’t sleeping, one of us is holding or playing with her. We take her on a walk through the stables. She loves looking at the horses. We play all her favorite games. Quinn makes her smile and laugh. We take pictures. We shower her with more affection than any child has ever been given. And we cry.
People on the ranch avoid us. Quinn must have alerted them to the situation. They’re all giving us space.
But the hardest part of the entire day is when she goes down for the night because I know it’s the last time it will happen. It’s the last time I’ll get to watch her fall asleep. The last time I’ll smile as she finds her thumb to soothe her into slumber. It breaks my heart knowing I’ll never again get to leave her room excited about what the next day will bring. I’ll never get to see her do anything new again. Sit up. Hold her arms out to me. Crawl. Talk.
And as I walk out of her room, an ocean of tears streams down my face. Because all I can think about is what Piper was feeling the day she gave me up. She said it was the best and worst hour of her life. I glance back at Josie once more, knowing exactly how she felt.
Texas Roses (The Devil's Horn Ranch Series) Page 21
