“Harmless, my ass. You keep these freaks outta my sight or there’s gonna be trouble, savvy?”
He patted the pistol holstered on his hip.
“Understood, skipper,” said Montgomery.
The captain looked at Rex and gave him a sneer.
“What’s wrong with this one?”
“There’s nothing’s wrong with him,” said Montgomery. “He’s not one of the lab rats.”
Rex pricked up his ears but said nothing.
“Goddamn monsters give me the jimjams,” the captain continued. “You tell your boss I’m finished after this trip. There ain’t enough money in the world to get me back to that island again.”
Rex finally spoke up. “What island?”
“Horror Island, of course,” Armstrong said with a snarl. He looked back at Montgomery. “Didn’t you tell him where we’re going?”
“I was waiting for the proper moment,” said Montgomery.
The captain laughed, and gave Rex a slap on the back.
“Hah! Well, they’re takin’ you to Horror Island, friend. Not Whore Island, mind you, with a “W”—like what I thought when I first signed on to this freak show. No, no, the other kind—the shit-your-pants-in-terror kind of island.”
The captain pulled out a flask from inside his shirt and took a big slug. Montgomery looked at him with disgust.
“You’re drunk, skipper. Why don’t you go sleep it off?”
This made Armstrong even more belligerent. He jabbed Montgomery in the chest repeatedly with a finger to emphasize his boozy point.
“Hell, I can never get drunk enough to forget the horrors I’ve seen. But when I get back to the mainland, I’m gonna write a book about this place and make a million bucks.”
The captain downed the rest of the flask and tossed it over the side. Then he reached under his hat for another, larger flask and took a swig from that one. He grabbed Rex by the shirt sleeve and pulled him closer.
“They’re gonna put you to work as a slave, friend. And you’ll never get free of the place. If you’re smart, you’ll jump overboard now, before they start experimenting on you.”
Montgomery was becoming alarmed by the captain’s drunken rant.
“I beg you, captain. There are ears everywhere.”
The doctor cocked his head, indicating a macabre green creature with dozens of ears covering its entire body eavesdropping around the corner. It scurried away when it realized Montgomery had spotted him.
The skipper sneered.
“I don’t give a good goddamn who hears me. I’m quittin’, understand? Get somebody else to transport supplies to that godforsaken island. I’m finished.”
Armstrong leaned in very close to Rex, who felt his face blistering from the man’s caustic breath.
“Kill yourself, friend. It’s the only way out.”
The captain turned away and began to stagger drunkenly back to his cabin.
Visibly distressed, Montgomery looked at Thomp and gave the creature a nod. At once the monster set out after the captain.
Before the captain knew what was happening, Thomp had grabbed him in its four arms and lifted him off his feet. The helpless skipper struggled only briefly before the creature raised its spiked tail and impaled the man through the top of his skull, killing him instantly.
Rex rushed to the captain’s aid, but it all happened so quickly the man was dead before he could reach him. Still in motion, Rex threw a punch at the creature’s head and his fist went right through it, as if the monster were no more than a mirage.
Surprised, Rex thought the monster might be a hologram. He swung again and that punch not only passed through the creature but through the railing behind it, and Rex realized to that it was he who was the phantom and not the four-armed monster.
He was about to leap onto the creature’s back when a jolt of electricity surged through the metal collar on his neck, knocking Rex to the deck. Momentarily paralyzed, he could only watch helplessly as the monster threw the captain’s lifeless body overboard.
Montgomery walked over to Rex and looked down at him wearily. He was still holding the small remote unit that controlled Rex’s collar in his hand.
“If you’ll excuse me, I have to tell the First Mate he’s just received a promotion.”
Snapping his fingers, the doctor signaled one of the creatures nearby to help Rex to his feet.
“Dinner is at six. Please be prompt,” said Montgomery. And with that, he and Thomp turned and walked away.
Wracked with pain, Rex got to his feet, helped by the cactus man with the human head.
“What the hell have I gotten myself into?” Rex muttered to himself.
“Hell. That’s right. We all going to hell,” the cactus man agreed.
Chapter 3
“Shoot the Asshole.”
Inside his cabin, Rex stood at the sink and stared into the mirror. He watched as his face seemed to disappear in front of his eyes. He shut his eyes and gripped the sides of the sink, concentrating with all his will. When he opened his eyes, his face had become solid again.
But when he looked down, he saw that his hands had fused to the sides of the sink. Startled, he pulled on his hands, but they wouldn’t come loose. He pulled harder, straining, until he ripped the sink off the wall.
Rex fell backward onto the floor with the sink still attached to his hands as water gushed out of the broken pipe. He writhed about on the wet floor, pulling on his hands, but the damn sink stayed fixed to him.
He pushed himself up and sat on the bunk, setting the sink on the floor and placing both of his feet inside the basin for leverage. Then he pulled with all his strength. After a minute of this, his hands finally came free.
Inspecting his hands, he saw that all his fingers were flesh and bone and not a trace of porcelain. He looked down at the sink and saw that it too was in a solid piece. Rex realized he was drifting about untethered between dimensions now, and that he could get stuck inside anything he touched.
A horrible thought occurred to him and he quickly leaped off the bunk, checking to make sure his ass hadn’t combined with the mattress. His ass was fine and he breathed a sigh of relief. But he knew time was running out and that soon, probably very soon, he would vanish from this universe altogether.
At six o’clock precisely, a creature apparently made from garbage and salmon heads appeared at Rex’s door to collect him. He followed the creature onto the deck, trying hard to stay upwind of it, and soon they arrived at Montgomery’s cabin. The doctor welcomed Rex into the cabin and dismissed the fish and garbage creature.
“Good evening, Rex. You’re right on time. Please have a seat.”
Rex sat at a small table set for two as Montgomery poured him a glass of wine. Thomp was on hand to serve the meal, a salmon dish of some kind, which Rex found repugnant on several levels.
“Thomp is no gourmet chef,” said Montgomery, taking a sip of wine. “But I will say, with four hands, he is certainly one of the fastest. Please dig in. You must be famished.”
Rex said nothing and only glared at the man. Montgomery set down his glass of wine.
“I see you are still upset about what happened to the captain.”
“You murdered him, you fuck,” Rex said through gritted teeth. “I oughta twist your head off right now.”
Thomp screeched and took a menacing step toward Rex, but Montgomery waved the creature back.
“Easy, Thomp. Mr. Havoc meant no harm.” He turned to Rex. “Thomp is very protective of me. We go back many years.”
Rex looked up at Thomp and quietly fumed. Montgomery took another sip of wine.
“In truth, I did the captain a great favor. Poor drunken slob—he had to go and shoot his mouth off. He was putting all of us in danger. If my employer had caught wind of his indiscretions, the captain would have endured unimaginable tortures.”
He wiped his mouth with a napkin and turned to Thomp, standing near the doorway.
“Thomp, please keep
a lookout outside. Mr. Havoc and I do not wish to be disturbed.”
The monster pivoted his great bulk awkwardly and headed out the door. Montgomery turned back to Rex.
“There are many spies aboard, and I must be certain we can speak in private.”
“So what’s your game?” asked Rex. “Why did you go through all this trouble to shanghai me? I won’t be your sex slave. I’m done with that nonsense.”
Montgomery laughed.
“No, my friend. Nothing so commonplace. We need your help, Rex. We are headed to an island where dozens of the world’s greatest scientists are being held prisoner.”
Rex didn’t even try to conceal his contempt.
“Scientists. Who cares? They’re all out to take over the world anyway. They can all go to hell as far as I’m concerned.”
“Unfortunately,” said Montgomery, “their research is being used to create weapons of incredible destruction, which my employer plans to use to enslave all mankind.”
“And who is this employer of yours?”
“You’ve no doubt heard of him. Count Kalashnikov, the Russian software billionaire.”
“The Russian Steve Jobs. Sure, I’ve heard of him. He created the iPavlov, the operating system that’s installed directly into your brain and can never be shut off. I thought the Russian mob knocked him off a few years back.”
“That was the rumor, started by the Count himself. But in fact he is quite alive and working tirelessly to conquer the planet. He has vowed to restore the Russian Empire, with himself as Emperor of the World.”
“Hmm, that old saw. So what do you want me to do about it? I’m just one guy.”
“I know you, Rex. I know of your accomplishments. I’ve followed the exploits of the Asskickers for many years. I was a classmate of your mentor, Lars Wurlitzer, at Quatermass University. We worked on many projects together.”
“He never mentioned you,” said Rex.
“Not surprising. We had… a falling out.”
“Over what?”
“Over a woman, what else?” For a moment, the doctor looked wistful. Then, with a shrug, he said, “But let’s not dwell on ancient history.”
Montgomery leaned closer to Rex, lending urgency to his words.
“Help us, Rex. If anybody can stop Kalashnikov, it is you. You’re our last hope.”
Rex shook his head. “Look, Doc, even if I wanted to, I can’t help you.”
He reached for his wine glass and his hand passed right through it, as if he were no more substantial than smoke.
“I’m slipping out of this dimension rapidly. It takes all my concentration not to vanish completely. I doubt I’ll even make it to the island.”
“I can cure you, Rex. I’ve spent my life working on the problem of interdimensional transit. I’ve done it myself, with mixed results.”
Montgomery unbuttoned his shirt, revealing an old Texas Instruments hand-held calculator melded to his chest.
Rex gasped. “Good lord. Is that a calculator?”
Montgomery nodded.
“I was at my desk, calculating the riches I would make with my latest invention, the 4D Transporter. Suddenly I began to phase out, similar to what happens to you, and I passed out at my desk. When I awoke, this was permanently attached to my chest.”
“Christ.”
“Over the next few months, my dimensional drifting became more frequent and more unpredictable. It took years, but I finally found a cure. I haven’t phased out in over a decade. And I can help you, too, Rex.”
“Why do you still have that thing in your chest? Can’t you have it removed?”
“I haven’t tried. I keep it to remind myself that I am a scientist and not a tycoon.”
Rex looked thoughtful, and then he said, “I’ll need those pills back. I can’t function without them.”
“Those pills are killing you. I have something better I can give you. It will keep you stabilized until we reach the island, where I can help you in my lab. All I ask is that you help us in return. What do you say, Rex?”
Rex tugged on his collar.
“Looks like I don’t have much choice.”
Montgomery got up from the table and opened the door, calling to Thomp. The monster poked its head into the cabin.
“Thomp, get things ready in sickbay. Mr. Havoc has agreed to help us.”
Rex looked at Thomp, then back at Montgomery.
“But if I end up lookin’ like squid boy here,” said Rex, “I’m comin’ after you.”
The next evening, Rex stood on the deck of the ship, lost in thought as he watched a pod of inquisitive sperm whales keeping pace with the ship. He wondered about Crayon and Dementia, his friends back in New York. He hadn’t seen them since the scuffle at the funeral and wondered how they were faring. Hell, were they even alive?
He was amazed at how important these two pains-in-the-ass women had become to him in such a short time. Dementia was some kind of damn succubus from outer space, and Crayon was a teenage hooker he’d rescued from a family of cannibals. Hardly the sort of people he’d normally hang with, but life was always pulling nutty tricks like this on him.
Montgomery joined Rex at the railing and lit his pipe.
“How are you feeling, Rex? Is the new medicine helping?”
“Yeah. I can eat solid food again. Now I’m worried about getting fat.”
Montgomery smiled. “Once we get to my lab on the island, we can cure you for good. You’ll be completely back to normal.”
“Well, at least I’m getting something out of this trip.”
The doctor took a long puff on his pipe. His tone became compassionate, regretful.
“I was very sorry to hear of the death of your companions, Rex. They were a courageous bunch. And despite our falling out, I considered Lars to be like a brother.”
Rex said nothing in return, continuing to look out at the ocean. Montgomery changed the subject.
“We should reach our destination in a couple days. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“I asked the crew if I could make a call home, but nobody will let me. I have friends who will worry.”
“Sorry, Rex, the Count has a strict no-outside communication policy. Both on the ship and on the island.”
“Horror Island, you mean?”
“The Count despises that name. He prefers to call it “Brainiac Island,” because it’s full of, well, people like me.”
“I’m curious, Doc. How the hell did you get mixed up in all this? Were you shanghaied as well?”
“No. Like many of the scientists on the island, I volunteered. We were promised unlimited funds and the freedom to pursue any research we desired. We were treated like rock stars—for a time, anyway. Then the Count went completely insane, and the island became a prison camp.”
Montgomery noticed the creature with the many ears snooping again. He yelled at it, shaking his fist.
“I see you there, you snitch! When we get to the island, I’ll cut your ears off and make a necklace out of them!”
The creature scampered away and Montgomery turned back to the railing. Rex peered at him.
“Certainly with all your combined brain power, you eggheads can formulate a plan of escape. What do you need a big ape like me for?”
“The island is a laboratory,” Montgomery replied, “but it is also a high-security prison, guarded around the clock by hundreds of monsters.”
He tapped the collar on his neck.
“The collars around all our necks can be detonated at a whim by the Count. He doesn’t even need a remote control—he could kill us all with a thought.”
“So shoot the asshole. Problem solved.”
“Even worse. If the Count dies—if his heart stops for any reason at all—the entire island is rigged to explode like Krakatoa.”
Rex stared out at the ocean again.
“Sounds like you boys are royally fucked.”
“There are good men, Rex, being forced to commit monstr
ous acts of evil. But with the proper guidance these same brilliant minds could eliminate poverty, cure every disease, and send us to the stars in less than a decade.”
Rex looked at him dubiously.
“Or send us all to hell in a day and a half.”
Chapter 4
Horror Island
Four days later, the Lady Vain reached its destination, a bleak, fog-shrouded island far from the main shipping lanes.
There was a lot of activity on the ship as supplies and crates of scientific equipment were transferred to an awaiting schooner. Within half an hour, the cargo was loaded and Rex boarded the boat with Montgomery, Thomp, and a few of the monstrous crew.
The schooner was fitted with a motor, and as it slowly chugged toward the dock, Rex grimly surveyed the island.
Five miles long and three miles wide, the island was essentially a steep plateau with no beaches and only a treacherous, rocky inlet to use as a harbor. At its highest point was a gloomy fortress, an ancient remnant from some forgotten war, surrounded by a thick forest. It was an ideal location for a secret laboratory, or an inescapable prison. Or both, if Montgomery’s words were to be believed.
The schooner pulled up to a battered wooden pier and Rex and Montgomery hopped out. Thomp followed them, but slower and with much greater difficulty.
As they walked down the long pier Rex saw many more of the fantastic creatures working on the dock. A monster that was part-rhinoceros and part-forklift was moving crates around easily while a ghastly blob with hundreds of eyeballs and a clipboard kept scrupulous track of the inventory.
Elsewhere, something that looked like a giant bread mold on wheels was looking over a bill of lading as another creature with sawed-off shotguns for arms kept an eye out for pilfering. And overhead Rex saw a pair of flying crocodiles, flying in lazy circles above the activity, looking for loafers.
And every one of them wore one those damn electronic collars. Rex began to wonder how the hell he would ever escape this nightmare.
At the end of the dock, Rex and Montgomery were met by Bongo, an enormous lizard with eight tarantula legs and robotic claws. It glared at Rex suspiciously.
Horror Island: A Rex Havoc Novel Page 2
