Logan wasn’t about to decide that what he really wanted was a cottage in the country, a dog to replace the one he’d lost as boy, and her beside him forever.She didn’t want those things either. She never had. Just because she’d fallen in love with him it didn’t mean…
Her heart twisted with sudden anguish. That was exactly what it meant. She wanted Logan forever, she wanted all those commonplace things other people wanted, babies and a tumble of dogs and cats underfoot, she wanted a life she’d never even contemplated…
A life she could never have with Logan.
She sat, stunned and breathless, trying to absorb the impact of the terrible revelation. How could this have happened? She, who had planned things so carefully, she, who had charted her future with such cool precision—
With startling abruptness, the lights blazed to life. People all around them murmured with surprise; some patrons laughed and clapped their hands in appreciation.
Talia and Logan stared across the table at each other. After a moment, Talia stirred uneasily. ‘Well,’ she said slowly, ‘that didn’t take very long, did it?’
‘No. Not very.’ Logan looked around and smiled drily. ‘Everything’s back to normal again.’
Talia’s gaze followed his. In the harsh glare of artificial light, the caf;aae stood revealed not as a romantic little cave but as a dingy bistro. She looked at Logan, not trusting herself to say anything, waiting for him to speak instead. Finally, he cleared his throat.
‘Talia. About that work you had to do tonight.’ He hesitated, and she could see the sudden wariness in his eyes. ‘I had some work to do, too, before the lights went out. Now that they’re on again, I was wondering…’
Her heart plummeted. Quickly, before he could see the tell-tale shine of her tears, Talia slid from the booth. ‘Of course,’ she said briskly. ‘Let’s go. I’d never forgive myself if I don’t get that report out first thing in the morning.’
There was a silence, and then Logan rose. ‘Fine.’ He sounded as he always did, courteous, pleasant—and a little removed. ‘Tell you what—why don’t you see if you can find us a taxi while I settle the bill? Walking back will only waste time.’
Talia nodded and turned away. It was not only the lights that were back to normal, she thought. Her relationship with Logan was, too. A sorrow greater than any she’d ever known welled within her. So much for magic, she thought, as she hurried out into the night.
CHAPTER TEN
TALIA peered into oncoming traffic, then stood on tiptoe and waved wildly as she spotted a taxi. But her hand fell to her side as it approached—the cab was already taken, just like all the others she’d spotted.
She glanced at her watch, took a deep breath, and began walking quickly along the pavement. She was so late: it was going on seven, which meant that Logan was probably at the apartment by now. What she’d wanted was to be wearing something soft and sexy when he arrived, to hold out a caipirinha as the doors to the lift opened and he stepped out…
Instead, she was halfway across Sao Paulo, caught in traffic as heavy as any she’d ever seen. And, as if that weren’t enough, she felt sick to her stomach. She’d been queasy yesterday morning—this morning, too, come to think of it. And now the sherry she’d just had with Roberto Santos had brought the queasiness back. Her stomach felt as if it were floating somewhere between her throat and her navel.
Saliva filled her mouth and she swallowed carefully. That was what you got for skipping meals, then eating on the run. Bianca had begged her to take the time for a decent lunch. ‘Passing up your own meal programme,’ she’d teased. ‘What must people think?’
But she’d been too busy today. She’d rushed across town to check wholesale prices at a new market, grabbed a sandwich at a galeto, then hurried back to the office for a meeting. And in the middle of everything, there’d been this appointment with Santos…
Damn! There had to be another taxi coming. Surely one of them would… Yes! There was one coming now, and it was empty. Talia stepped off the kerb again, ignoring the angry blare of horns, and waggled both hands over her head. Brakes squealed as the taxi swerved and pulled towards her. With a groan of thanks, she pulled open the door and got in. In halting but competent Portuguese, she gave the driver the address of the Miller building, then slumped wearily back in the seat.
The taxi inched forward. At this rate, it would take at least an hour to reach the apartment. Walking might be faster—but the butterflies in her stomach urged her to stay put. Talia sighed. The best she could do was hope that Logan was delayed. She might still have time to mix the drinks, turn on the stereo, and slip into something more feminine than the suit she was wearing.
Lord, how she’d missed him! He’d only been gone two days, but it was the first time they’d been apart and it seemed like forever. The trip had come up suddenly—Logan hadn’t even mentioned it until he had been ready to leave the night before last.
‘Must you go?’ she’d blurted before she’d had time to think.
Logan had stared at her. He’d looked as if she’d suddenly spoken in tongues. ‘Does it matter?’ he’d said.
At least she’d had enough presence to recover quickly. ‘There’s a staff meeting tomorrow. Have you forgotten?’
He’d turned away and stepped into the lift. ‘It can wait,’ he’d said, and the doors had slid shut. He hadn’t even kissed her goodbye. But then, he hadn’t done lots of things lately. There’d been changes, lots of them, since the night of the power blackout. It was as if the evening they’d spent in the little caf;aae, which had seemed for a few brief hours to have brought them closer together, had instead pushed them apart.
At first, the changes had been subtle. Logan seemed to be quieter than usual—there were long silences at breakfast and dinner until finally, in desperation, Talia would either babble something about her work or his. Sometimes, she’d look up to find him watching her, his eyes dark.
She told herself she was imagining things. But, after a while, the changes began to multiply. Going out at night had become almost a compulsion. She’d cherished the few times they’d had quiet evenings at the apartment, even though Logan had always retired to his study after dinner and she’d read or listened to music in the rooms that had once been hers. They had been apart, but that was better than being surrounded by strangers. But the worst change had come in the bedroom, the one place in which they’d always come together with a closeness that had made everything else bearable.
It had started one night when they’d come home late from a supper club. The club had had a tiny dance-floor and a band—not that they’d actually danced much. It had been too crowded to do anything but sway to the music. Talia hadn’t minded at all; it was an excuse to feel Logan’s arms around her, to hold him close to her, something she didn’t dare do unless they were making love.
But Logan had grown irritable. ‘Dancing’s impossible like this,’ he’d said, and he’d led her to their table and called for the bill.
When they’d got back to the apartment, Talia had gone into the bedroom while he’d checked for messages on the answering machine. When he’d joined her, she had been standing at the window in the dark, silhouetted by the faint light from the street below. She had been brushing her hair. It was very long now; she had given up all thought of cutting it after Logan had whispered that he loved the feel of it around him. ‘Like a silken tent,’ he’d said.
She hadn’t realised that he was there until she’d suddenly looked up and seen him watching her with a dark, inexplicable expression on his face.
There’d been a silence, and then Logan had turned away. ‘I’m afraid I can’t come to bed just yet,’ he’d said gruffly. ‘There was a message on the machine—something’s come up. I’ll have to do some work tonight.’
Talia had put down the brush. ‘That’s all right. I—I have some work I can do while you—’
‘No.’ His voice had been sharp. ‘No,’ he had repeated, this time giving her a strained smile. �
�Just go on to sleep. There’s no sense in both of us staying up.’
It had been the first time she had ever gone to Logan’s bed without him. Sleep had been impossible: she’d lain there staring at the ceiling, telling herself that she was foolish to feel hurt. She’d known his priorities, she had from the start. It was true, this room was the one place where their relationship had always come first, but something like this was bound to have happened eventually.
When she’d finally heard his footsteps, Talia had closed her eyes, pretending sleep, waiting for the touch of his hand, the brush of his lips… She’d heard the whisper of his clothing and then Logan had slipped quietly under the blanket without touching her. After a long while, she’d known by the sound of his breathing that he had been asleep.
She had felt a terrible emptiness. Throughout their weeks together, he had never let a night pass without, at the least, holding her in his arms and kissing her.
Perhaps he hadn’t felt well. Yes, she’d told herself, that was it. She’d ask him in the morning—unless she awoke to his caresses. She did, often. There was a special tenderness to the way he made love to her in the golden glow of the early sun…
But when she’d awakened, Logan had been gone. She’d found him at the breakfast table, calmly sipping his coffee.
‘Logan?’ He’d looked at her and she’d hesitated. ‘Are you—are you all right?’
‘Fine.’ He’d smiled politely, then glanced at his watch. ‘I want to get an early start on things today. I’ll see you later.’
Remembering, Talia sighed. There were still nights when they went to bed together, nights when he took her in his arms and made love to her until she thought her heart would burst with joy and love. And there were still mornings when she awoke to find him holding her, kissing her as if he would never stop. Those were the hardest times of all, the times when she longed to whisper, ‘I love you,’ instead of ‘I want you,’ to tell Logan that she wanted not just his lovemaking but his love.
The taxi jerked to a stop and she looked up. The driver turned towards her, speaking too quickly for her to understand, gesturing with his hands. Finally, she realised that he was telling her they were only a little way from her destination, that it would be faster if she got out of the cab and walked.
’Sim. Obrigado.’ Quickly, she fumbled in her shoulder-bag, then stuffed some bills into his hand. The stench of exhaust fumes made her gag as she wove her way towards the kerb.
At least she was almost at the apartment. If only she hadn’t agreed to meet Roberto Santos for drinks. But he’d been insistent when he’d called, saying he had a business proposition to discuss. Talia had tried to make him understand that she had nothing to do with any part of Logan’s business except for the catering end.
‘It is you I must see,’ he’d said. ‘It is important.’
It had all seemed very confused and mysterious, but there had been no way she could reach Logan to ask what she should do. Finally she’d agreed to meet Santos at the Eldorado.
Now, hurrying the last block towards the apartment, Talia shook her head with annoyance. Santos hadn’t wanted to talk to Logan at all; what he’d wanted was to try and convince her to leave Miller International and go to work for him, instead.
She pushed open the lobby doors and hurried towards the lift. It had taken time until he’d come out with it. By then, precious minutes had ticked away so that here she was, late when she’d so badly wanted to be early, out of breath and still queasy and…
The lift doors slid open. Talia hesitated, then stepped out. Her heels tapped lightly against the terracotta tiles. Logan was nowhere to be seen. She put her hand to her racing heart. Maybe she’d made it in time. Maybe there was time to take something for her stomach and then chill the wine, although the thought of drinking any made her feel even worse. Maybe…
‘I see you finally got here.’
She whirled around. ‘Logan. I was just wondering…’ Her smile faded. There was such a cold look on his face, it chilled her to the bone. She took a step towards him. ‘I—I’m sorry I’m late.’
‘You are. Very late. Where were you?’
‘I—I was out,’ she said. ‘Something unexpected came up, and—’
‘Something unexpected.’ His lips drew back from his teeth in a smile that was not a smile at all. ‘And what might that have been?’
She stared at him. ‘I was—I was called away on business. Roberto telephoned, and—’
Logan’s eyes were cold. ‘And it was more important to meet him than to wait here for me.’
Colour rose in her face. ‘I told you, I tried to get back on time. And it was important, yes. Roberto said—’
‘And, of course, you went.’ She nodded. ‘Well, what did he want?’
She thought of fabricating a story. Telling Logan the truth might drive a wedge between the two men. But something in Logan’s expression warned her not to lie. ‘He—he offered me a job. He’s opening a restaurant in Rio and—’
His eyes went blank. ‘Did you accept?’
Talia stared at him in disbelief. ‘How can you ask me that? No, of course I didn’t. I—’
‘Why not? Isn’t the salary high enough?’
She felt herself grow pale. ‘Logan. Please, you’re not being fair. You know I wouldn’t—’
His lips drew back from his teeth. ‘No, I don’t suppose I am.’ There was a pause, and then he turned and walked towards the drinks tray on the far side of the room. ‘And forgive me for questioning you. Of course you had to meet with Santos. I understand.’
She took a step towards him. ‘You’re not angry, then?’
He turned to her and smiled. ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘Just some mineral water, please.’
He poured her a glass of Evian, then reached for a glass already half-filled with a colourless liquid. He’d been drinking before she arrived, she thought with surprise. As she watched, he topped the glass up, then took a swallow.
‘I’m not new to this kind of scene,’ he said, walking to the window and staring out. ‘I played it often enough with my wife.’ He laughed. ‘Forgive me. My ex-wife.’ He tilted the glass to his lips again and drank.
Talia nodded. Of course. She wondered how many times Logan had left his wife to go off on business, how many empty nights the woman had faced.
The ice in his glass tinkled as he tipped it to his mouth. ‘Aren’t you curious about what happened to my marriage, Talia? Haven’t you ever wondered why it failed?’
She swallowed drily. ‘I—I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it,’ she whispered. ‘And I know most of what happened. She—your wife—wanted things that you didn’t. You…’
He grinned, and a chill went through her. He was drunk. Not enough to impair his reactions or slur his speech, but…
‘That’s right,’ he said. ‘We had very different ideas about marriage. About relationships.’ He took a long swallow of his drink, then looked at her over the rim of his glass. ‘We talked about it endlessly. But it was pointless. In the end, what she wanted and what I wanted were poles apart.’ He eyed his empty glass, then walked to the drinks tray and refilled it to the top. ‘By the time we divorced, we were both relieved to have it done with.’
Talia stared at him. He had never spoken so intimately about himself, except for the night in the caf;aae. And she had never seen him so out of control. Her heart slammed against her ribs. What was going on?
‘All of which,’ he said in a slightly slurred voice, ‘is a long-winded way of saying no, I’m not angry with you for putting what’s important to you ahead of anything else.’
‘I told you, I had no choice. Roberto—’
Logan held up his hand. ‘No explanation necessary. Hell, one of the reasons I wanted you working for me was because you were such a crack businesswoman.’ He smiled. ‘What you did was nothing less than I expected.’
Nothing less than he expected. And nothing less than he would do himself. Talia fel
t the sudden prickle of tears in her eyes, and she blinked them away. Say something, she thought. Say something, don’t just let the silence drag on. ‘Was it—was it difficult? Your divorce, I mean. I should think it must be—it must be hard to give up someone you—you…’
‘Care for?’ Logan laughed. ‘There was no caring left by then, believe me.’ He raised his glass and took a sip. ‘But it was hard. Sure it was. Saying goodbye is never easy—you always remember the good times, not the bad.’ His mouth tightened. ‘We even tried a reconciliation. But you can never go back. Once a thing is over, it’s over.’
‘At least you tried.’
He looked across the room at her. ‘It only made it worse,’ he said sharply. ‘My wife thought she’d become pregnant.’ A shadow passed over his face. ‘But she wasn’t, and once I was certain of that…’
His voice was filled with passionate intensity. Talia stared at him. ‘Didn’t you want a child?’
Logan looked at her as if she were crazy. ‘A child? God, that’s the last thing…’ His lips compressed into a tight line. ‘Everybody has their priorities. You, of all people, should understand that.’
You, of all people… Dear God, what a monster he thought she was! As far as he knew, her career was everything to her. It was why he’d been drawn to her in the first place. And the worst of it was that he had been right. She would have understood it, before she’d fallen in love with him. The terrible obscenity of it all made her throat constrict. Logan had made her aware of a part of herself she’d spent a lifetime denying—and he would never know it.
Nausea rose within her like a sea rising up at the start of a storm. She turned her back, taking deep breaths until the sensation subsided, but even when it had the feeling of illness remained.
He was still talking, but she couldn’t listen any more. The things he’d told her were too revealing. His revelations about himself and his failed marriage weren’t new—Talia had known most of it from the articles she’d read about him and the things John Diamond had said—but, somehow, hearing them from his own lips made them seem even worse. And knowing that Logan saw her as a mirror image of himself made the charade she was living with that much harder to bear.
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