by David Mamet
BERNSTEIN: … while the blessed feast cooled on the table. (Pause) Now may I go home …?
CHARLES: So all this bullshit about the Indians and turkeys was, in essence, code for the, uh, race-mixing …
BERNSTEIN: … yes.
CHARLES: … polysexual abandon which …
BERNSTEIN: Sure …
CHARLES: The quote quote Pilgrims …
BERNSTEIN: (Sneezes) I need to go home, Sir.
CHARLES: Yeah, yeah, you’re going home.
BERNSTEIN: I need to see my baby.
CHARLES: Almost there … proved by a set of documents, discovered JUST THIS MORNING by Navy Seals, diving off Plymouth Rock, in the wreck of a 1642, uh uh …
ARCHER: … excursion boat.
CHARLES: In the handwriting of a nondenominational minister …
ARCHER: Good.
CHARLES: … in which he CONFESSES, that Thanksgiving was a day of orgy, and that those who celebrate it are damned … screw with me, will ya …? All right, bring in the turkey guy.
(The TURKEY GUY enters.)
TURKEY GUY: Mr. President.
CHARLES: Hi. How you been keeping?
TURKEY GUY: I…
CHARLES: Where’ve they got you, out on the couch? Good. You have some time to think it over?
TURKEY GUY: Sir, I regret my intemperate and disrespectful words this morning …
CHARLES: These things happen.
TURKEY GUY: And I would like to raise my offer to three hundred thousand dollars.
CHARLES: You remember my speechwriter?
TURKEY GUY: … along with my profound apology.
CHARLES: Hey, you called me one, I called you one.
TURKEY GUY: Most gracious, Sir.
CHARLES: Hey, look.
(They shake hands.)
TURKEY GUY: The turkeys need to smell your hand. And then I must return them to their climate-controlled transport.
CHARLES: That’s what YOU want, what do I want?
TURKEY GUY: Social justice?
CHARLES: That would be swell, but what I, in my heart desire is two hundred million dollars. (Pause) Or I’m going on TV and pardon all the turkeys in the world.
TURKEY GUY: I…
CHARLES: You know why? Thanksgiving is wrong. Hit it.
BERNSTEIN: It’s a confected celebration of the evils of oppression …
TURKEY GUY: I…
CHARLES: Thanksgiving is wrong.
TURKEY GUY: The American people will never never buy it.
CHARLES: You hear the speech, then you tell me … Now hit the bricks, and bring me something green and wrinkled.
(The TURKEY GUY exits.)
ARCHER: But will the American people actually give up Thanksgiving?
CHARLES: Bernstein?
BERNSTEIN: Things change.
(BERNSTEIN hands him a piece of the speech and keeps typing.)
CHARLES: (Reads) “Our ideas change. Things change. Time passes. We age, and see things, in a new light, a low winter light, which points the way toward spring.” Yeah … you’re what I love about this country.
BERNSTEIN: I am Sir?
CHARLES: You bet. I know what you would like, is to take over the government of the United States by force, promoting your vision of a godless, stateless paradise of homosexuality … is that correct …?
BERNSTEIN: Essentially.
CHARLES: But you know what you have?
BERNSTEIN: Sir?
CHARLES: A work ethic.
BERNSTEIN: Thank you, Sir.
CHARLES: You roll your sleeves up and muck in.
BERNSTEIN: Thank you.
CHARLES: You’re not some fricken “expert.”
BERNSTEIN: No, Sir.
CHARLES: The experts cost me this election. They didn’t build this country.
BERNSTEIN: No.
CHARLES: Who built this country?
BERNSTEIN: Sir?
CHARLES: Shade-tree mechanics. Tom Edison. Henry Ford.
BERNSTEIN: Are they sending a car to take me home …?
ARCHER: They’re trying to rent you one.
CHARLES: The Wright Brothers … couple guys, sitting round the Coffee Corner, Wednesday morning … (BERNSTEIN sneezes. CHARLES hands her a Kleenex.) Some fella, doodlin’ on a napkin … Dreaming. He looks up: “Hey. I betcha this’ll work.” (BERNSTEIN sneezes.) Uh, Jonas Salk gets up one day, “Hey, you know what? Fuck polio …” “Experts?” What’s an expert? That’s not who made this country great. Who made this country great?
ARCHER: Who?
CHARLES: Tinkerers. Like you and me. Huh?
BERNSTEIN: “Shade-tree mechanics.”
CHARLES: That’s right. People with a vision.
BERNSTEIN: “Just like you and me …”
CHARLES: … that’s right …
BERNSTEIN: The people at the watercooler …
CHARLES: Yes …
BERNSTEIN: We don’t know their politics …
CHARLES: … no …
BERNSTEIN: We wouldn’t think to ask.
CHARLES: … that’s right.
BERNSTEIN: … for we respect their right to be different.
CHARLES: Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s true, though. Isn’t it …?
BERNSTEIN: Yes, Sir. It’s true. And it’s what people need to hear.
CHARLES: (Reading) “A low light … a low winter light. Which points the way toward spring …” And toward two hundred million dollars. To stick in my fucking pocket. (Pause) You’ve stopped writing, Bernstein.
BERNSTEIN: That’s right.
CHARLES: Could you tell me why?
BERNSTEIN: I feel, Sir, on reflection, perhaps this speech falls outside the purview of my duties as enumerated.
CHARLES: Say it again.
BERNSTEIN: It occurs to me you want me to indulge in an exercise in extortion.
CHARLES: That’s right. And I’ll tell you what: I’ll give you in return—whatever you want. I’m like the Chinese. You want something from the Chinese, you go over there and trade them for it.
BERNSTEIN: I don’t understand.
CHARLES: You paid, if I’m not out of court, twenty-five grand for your baby.
BERNSTEIN: I did not pay, Sir, for the baby, which would be trafficking in human flesh.
CHARLES: What did you pay for?
BERNSTEIN: How do you know I paid?
CHARLES: You paid twenty-five grand from the credit card.
BERNSTEIN: You investigated my credit card account?
CHARLES: Oh, grow up.
BERNSTEIN: I paid, Sir …
CHARLES: … oookay.
BERNSTEIN: Administrative costs, associated with …
CHARLES: Yeah, okay. I get it. I get it.
BERNSTEIN: I insist that you amend your language.
CHARLES: Uh-huh.
BERNSTEIN: I insist on that point.
CHARLES: To who? Get it? Ain’t nobody in this room but us. All your fricken bullshit about “social justice.” That’s swell. What you forgot: THIS IS A DEMOCRACY. Which means: The people make the laws. And if you want to make the laws, you go to the people who make the laws, and what do you do?
ARCHER: You bribe them.
CHARLES: YOU BRIBE THEM. You give them something they’d like. In order to get something you’d like. Just like you did in third grade.
ARCHER: That’s right.
CHARLES: You say “gimme your candy bar and I’ll give you my orange.”
BERNSTEIN: I…
CHARLES: You do not say: “Give me your candy bar, because it exploits the cocoa workers in Brazil …”
ARCHER: Chucky.
CHARLES: “… I heard it on public radio.”
ARCHER: Chuck.
CHARLES: I could couch my language in the gibberism you speak. But I’m addressing you, like I’d talk to anyone else, because, you say that in the schoolyard, and the other kid says “fuck you.” Weep weep weep you say, I’ll take this case to the Supreme Court. Guess what: the Supreme Court wa
nts something, too. Everyone wants something. The power. To trade this for that separates us from the lower life-forms, like the uh uh large apes, or the Scandinavians. I like you, Bernstein. You know why? You’re great at what you do. Do I respect you? Fuck no. Why? Your head is full of trash. But you can sling the shit. I’ll pay you for that. I will pay you for that speech—What do you want?
BERNSTEIN: I want to marry my partner.
CHARLES: I can’t do that.
BERNSTEIN: Yes, you can.
CHARLES: It’s against the law.
BERNSTEIN: Figure it out.
CHARLES: Write me my speech.
BERNSTEIN: You figure it out, I’ll write your speech.
CHARLES: Goddamnit, Bernstein, I want that speech. (She hands him a speech.) “My fellow Americans, it is with a real regret, that I bid you and this office adieu.” This is my concession speech.
BERNSTEIN: That’s right.
CHARLES: Ha ha ha, I want the other speech.
BERNSTEIN: I told you my terms.
CHARLES: I cannot do what you ask. It’s illegal.
BERNSTEIN: There is a higher law.
CHARLES: Oh, bullshit.
BERNSTEIN: There is a higher law.
CHARLES: What’s it called, if you’re so smart.
BERNSTEIN: It is the law of love.
CHARLES: Oh, that’s a law? Where is that law written? On your Chinese amulet? (He picks up her amulet.) All you know, this says “don’t starch the sheets.”
BERNSTEIN: Mr. President.
CHARLES: I cannot marry you to a girl. It. Is. Illegal.
BERNSTEIN: Did you ever have a homosexual experience?
CHARLES: I’m not telling.
(Pause.)
BERNSTEIN: (Exiting) Well, you know my terms.
CHARLES: You walk out that door, I’m sending you to Prybschych, Bulgaria.
BERNSTEIN: You wouldn’t dare.
CHARLES: Try me.
BERNSTEIN: That’s breaking the law.
CHARLES: NOT IF I DON’T GET CAUGHT.
BERNSTEIN: How is that not breaking the law? To torture people.
CHARLES: I’m not here to play “word games”…
ARCHER: Sometimes.
BERNSTEIN: … yes.
ARCHER: “Bernstein.”
BERNSTEIN: Yes …
ARCHER: The “State”… you recognize the right to existence of The State …
BERNSTEIN: … not when it acts unjustly.
ARCHER: Must take actions which, though not …
CHARLES: Yes.
ARCHER: Clearly authorized by law. Must, in the service of a higher law …
BERNSTEIN: … that’s what I’m telling you.
CHARLES: Okay, okay, all right, tell you what: I’ll “marry” you and your partner, what is her name?
BERNSTEIN: I don’t want any jokes.
CHARLES: All right.
BERNSTEIN: My partner’s name is Daisy.
CHARLES: All right. That’s all right with me.
BERNSTEIN: It’s her name irrespective of whether or not it’s all right with …
CHARLES: I SAID ALL FUCKEN RIGHT, OKAY? WHAT ARE YOU, BITCH BITCH BITCH, I’M TRINE…
BERNSTEIN: Please lower your voice.
CHARLES: I’m sorry.
BERNSTEIN: And I’d like to go home to my baby.
CHARLES: As soon as you write my speech.
BERNSTEIN: Give me your word you’ll marry us.
CHARLES: Jesus Christ, you broads got a one-track mind.
BERNSTEIN: After the revolution, comments like that will get you taken out and shot.
CHARLES: Well, give me some warning, so I can look my best.
BERNSTEIN: Fuck you.
CHARLES: ’Cause, I’d hate for ’em to drag me out and shoot me, with my hair mussed …
BERNSTEIN: Fuck you.
CHARLES: … or full of straw from sleeping on a fucken tumbrel…
BERNSTEIN: Fuck you.
CHARLES: And fuck you, too. You, fucken, SPEECH-WRITER. FUCK YOU.
BERNSTEIN: … if I were a man.
CHARLES: IF YOU WERE A MAN, I SHOULD’VE OF HAD YOU BEAT TO DEATH WITH A ROCK. DON’T YOU GET IT? ALL THIS BUSHWA “OPPRESSION” YOU’RE BITCHING ABOUT, IS ON A FREE PASS. A. FREE. PASS. ’CAUSE YOU’RE A BROAD. What the hell … I don’t care. Ship her to …
ARCHER: … don’t say it.
CHARLES: … Put her on the piggy plane and ship her to Bulgaria, I’m done. Where is the Secret Service?
ARCHER: (Checks his watch) Sensitivity training.
CHARLES: Get ’em and drag her out of here.
(ARCHER exits.)
BERNSTEIN: What is my crime?
CHARLES: You get on my ass. It’s not worth being President. Fuck it. Tell the turkey people keep their money. I concede. Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about my wife. We count for nothing. We’re not human. We’re not homosexual. Or black. Or Palestinian, or deaf, or something. All we are is normal. Fucken normal guy … hey, the hell with it. Gimme the concession speech …
(Pause.)
BERNSTEIN: Mr. President.
CHARLES: … Fucken “what”… ?
BERNSTEIN: I think you are human.
CHARLES: … thank you.
BERNSTEIN: And, I realize, you are perhaps under a bit of pressure.
CHARLES: Oh, do you think so?
BERNSTEIN: And that your “time in office” is waning.
CHARLES: Well, Bernstein, quack quack, you know what I mean?
BERNSTEIN: Sir, I do. And I would like to ask you …
CHARLES: Yes.
BERNSTEIN: In the interest of humanity.
CHARLES: Yes.
BERNSTEIN: In this waning time.
CHARLES: All right.
BERNSTEIN: To do something pure.
(Pause.)
CHARLES: And what is that that is pure?
BERNSTEIN: To marry. Two people who love each other.
(Pause.)
CHARLES: It’s not legal.
BERNSTEIN: You could make it legal.
CHARLES: At what cost, Bernstein? Riots? Backlash? We don’t know …
BERNSTEIN: Sir?
CHARLES: We don’t know. This is the way the world works. There are no solutions, Bernstein. There are only rearrangements of problems. (Pause) New ways of looking at problems.
BERNSTEIN: Isn’t that what we do best, Sir?
CHARLES: What’re we talking about?
BERNSTEIN: This “nation of tinkerers.” (Pause) Isn’t that America?
CHARLES: I…
BERNSTEIN: The fellow or the woman at the watercooler? We don’t know their politics. We judge their character by the simple things: Are they respectful, are they punctual, can they listen, “can they get along?”… We care if they paint their fence. We don’t know who they vote for.
CHARLES: … no …
BERNSTEIN: We don’t know “what they do in bed…” Who would be disrespectful enough to inquire …?
CHARLES: … yes …
BERNSTEIN: If you look at the polls…
(Sneezes.)
CHARLES: Gesundheit.
BERNSTEIN: It seems: We are “a nation divided.” But: We aren’t a “nation divided,” Sir. We’re a democracy we hold different opinions. But: We laugh at the same jokes, we clap each other on the back, when we made that month’s quota, and, Sir, I’m not at all sure that we don’t love each other.
(Pause.)
CHARLES: Well—that’s a great speech, Bernstein.
BERNSTEIN: Let’s talk about hard times. Fellow, woman, loses their job. Middle age, the world turns upside down. “What did I do ‘wrong’?”
CHARLES: … that’s true …
BERNSTEIN: … you reach a certain age, and you’ve been there. Perhaps you’re there now…
CHARLES: … I am there now.
BERNSTEIN: … and you have suffered a reversal. What does it bring?
CHARLES: … I give.
BERNSTEIN: It
brings strength…
(Pause.)
CHARLES: It does?
BERNSTEIN: It does. It brings humility… (ARCHER reenters.) And it brings wisdom.
(Pause.)
ARCHER: They blinked.
BERNSTEIN: And that is the position, Sir, in which we find you now.
ARCHER: … Chucky.
(Pause.)
CHARLES: (To BERNSTEIN)… I don’t understand.
BERNSTEIN: A man. At a difficult time. Finds himself. Faced with hard choices. As the leader. Of a group. Of Shade-Tree Mechanics. (Pause)
ARCHER: Mister President …?
BERNSTEIN: Which, as a convenience, we refer to as “The United States of America.”
(Pause.)
ARCHER: Mister President. (Pause) Chucky …
CHARLES: What?
ARCHER: The turkey folks. Will go two hundred million dollars. (Pause) They’ll go the two hundred million bucks. You’re going home rich.
CHARLES: Archer.
ARCHER: … Sir.
CHARLES: Call the networks. Tell them we’re buying two hundred million dollars worth of airtime. Bernstein, you go finish that speech. I’ll be goddamned if I’m not going to win this thing.
ACT THREE
The office, morning.
The President is changing his shirt and shaving.
CHARLES: (To phone) Barry. Yes. I’m surprised you still have my number. (Pause) Yaas. You heard that? Waal, we have quote, set aside a little money for a little airtime. (Pause. ARCHER enters with a tray, bearing coffee and so on.) Oh, two hundred million dollars. Waal, Barry, we’ve got an “election” coming up, and, waal, we sort of, thought we’d like to “win” it. (Pause) We got it from some “people” you know …
ARCHER: … What does he want …?
CHARLES: (Covering phone) He heard we made a little “air buy.” (To phone) Yes. It is a lot of money to spend in ONE WEEK, IN THE LAST WEEK, BARRY, BEFORE THAT ELECTION IN WHICH YOU AND THE COMMITTEE KICKED ME TO THE CURB. (To ARCHER) “Why didn’t we check with him?” (CHARLES hands the phone to ARCHER.)
ARCHER: (To phone) Waal, Barry, we didn’t check with you ’cause you told us to “go fuck” ourselves …
CHARLES: (Seizing the phone) Gimme that phone … (To phone) No, Barry, we did not “take your remarks out of context,” so, let’s skip the lovemaking, and what do you want? (To ARCHER) He wants to “get on board.” (Pause) Well, Barry, you have me at a disadvantage because I don’t give a fuck. (To ARCHER) He’s found some money … (To phone) Where did the money come from, Barry? ’Cause, yesterday you were broke? Did you forget to look in the GLOVE COMPARTMENT? Barry? Did you forget to look behind the couch? ’Cause “behind the couch” that’s where I always look, when I need to find two hundred million dollars, to help out my friend, to who you swore undying brotherhood, and then turned around and cut him off at the ankles with ONE SPOT IN CINCINNATI and his wife had to CRY HERSELF TO SLEEP because you wouldn’t even have the courtesy to buy him a LIBRARY, after everything he did for you. D’YOU LOOK BEHIND THE COUCH? What?
