Now That You Mention It: A Novel

by Kristan Higgins

  Past Mom’s house. Donna’s car was there. Good. I kept driving to where the road ended a few hundred yards past our place, at the edge of the state forest, got out and started running, Boomer cantering joyously behind me, jowls flapping, tail like a banner. The rain soaked my shirt, making it flop against my ribs.

  I should’ve let someone know where I was going. But there was no cell service way out here, and I wasn’t going to waste time by going back.

  Through the forest, my old friend. A blue jay squawked, ratting out my presence to all other wildlife. I saw a flash ahead—a fox, maybe, or a rabbit. I came out of the woods onto the rocks, my feet sure and fast, Boomer right beside me, the best dog ever, the Dog of Dogs. The waves were loud, the water dark gray.

  There it was. Our cave.

  “Poe!” I yelled. “Are you in there?”

  No answer. If she wasn’t here, I had no idea where to look. But I’d keep on looking until I found her, damn it.

  “Poe?”

  Boomer barked.

  I climbed down the rocks and went in, the cold, mineral smell of rock mixing with the sharp smells of the sea.

  She was lying in the fetal position on the little plateau in the back of the cave, where Lily and I once told each other stories.

  “Oh, baby,” I said, my feet crunching on the pebbles as I went to her. “I’m so sorry.” Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled her against me, feeling her heave with sobs. She was so light, just like Lily had been. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

  “How could she do this?”

  “I don’t know, honey. I don’t know any details.”

  “She stabbed someone! She’ll never get out now!”

  I just rocked my niece and kissed her head. Boomer barked from outside, too wary of the water to come down. The waves were lapping at the entrance now. We’d have to wade out. “We need to get out of here, sweetheart,” I said. “The tide’s coming in.”

  “I don’t care,” Poe said. “I don’t care about anything.” She curled against me as if warding off a blow, and her sobs shook in and out of her.

  “I’m so sorry, honey,” I murmured. “I wish I had more to say than that, but I am. I know you miss her.”

  A thin wail came out of Poe’s mouth.

  “I do...but I don’t, Nora,” she sobbed, looking up at me, her face twisted in pain. “I told her the last time we talked that I wanted to stay here. That she should come back and live with Gran and we could all be together, and she said that wasn’t gonna happen, and I...I didn’t want to go back to Seattle. I told her I wanted to stay here, and now she’ll never get out, and part of me is...is...glad.” Her voice rose on the last word, going silent as she cried and cried and cried.

  “Oh, baby,” I said, hugging her harder. I closed my eyes against my own tears and tried to think of something to say, something that would put things right.

  There was nothing. All I could do was be here. The tide had risen enough that there was water in the mouth of the cave. Our pants would get wet, but who cared? I stroked Poe’s hair and her studded ear, and rubbed her back.

  “I hated it here when I first came,” Poe said, pulling back from me and wiping her eyes, smearing her eyeliner. “It’s so boring. But it’s so...safe, too.” She sucked in a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to live with my mom. I love her so much, but I’m glad she can’t take me away. I’m a bad daughter. She must hate me. That’s why she stabbed that other person. So she wouldn’t have to be with me because she’s so mad.”

  Poe broke down again.

  “No, sweetheart. No. You’re the best thing she ever did, and she knows that. She’s always loved you so much.”

  But there was some truth in Poe’s words. It wasn’t that Lily hated her own daughter...but somehow, in the wrong way, she was giving Poe what she needed, and making sure it couldn’t be undone. Stay in jail, and Poe was safe from her.

  The same way my father had left us forever. Not to punish us...but maybe so he’d limit the damage.

  Oh, Lily.

  If there was any doubt my heart was broken, it was gone now.

  When the water seeped into my shoe, I knew we had to go. I took a breath and looked up.

  There were the words. My mouth opened.

  Still here after all these years.

  The memory flashed like lightning. A little girl’s hand, scraping words into the cave ceiling, tracing them over and over again. Our laughter bouncing off the cave walls. Lily’s hand in mine, her braids bouncing as we ran back home through the woods.

  “Poe,” I said, “I think you should live with me instead of Gran.”

  Her crying stopped abruptly.

  “Yes,” I said. “I think that’s the best idea.”

  “In Boston?” she said, her voice small.

  “No. Here. On the island.”

  It could work. I’d be full-time at the clinic. I had enough for a hefty down payment on a house. I had all that furniture in storage, just waiting for me to make a home.

  Poe had moved enough in her life. She already had friends—well, one, anyway. She was already enrolled in school.

  “Yes. Live with me. We can still see Gran all the time, but you belong with me, honey. Here on the island.”

  Because I didn’t want to be the girl who’d left Scupper anymore. The one who had to run away to find herself. The one who—let’s face it—had been playing a part for a long time. Not completely; there were things about my Perez self that were genuine. But God, it had been so much work, that person in Boston! Bobby’s girlfriend, the organizer of outings, the most cheerful of the cheerful, the most hardworking of all. I’d been trying too hard for too long.

  Here, I wasn’t perfect all the time, not so polished, not so concerned with making the world love me.

  Here on Scupper, people knew me.

  After all this time, I was really myself.

  And so was Poe. She didn’t stomp all the time, she’d let go of a lot of her anger, she had conversations with people, a job, a friend and a genuine sweetness.

  This was where we were meant to be.

  “Are you sure?” she asked, her blueberry eyes full of hope.

  “Completely. I love you, you know.”

  “You do?”

  “I do.”

  She hugged me, the poor little bird, and I hugged her back, long and hard. “Come on. Gran’s a wreck. We have to get back.”

  The tide was up to my knees now, the mouth of the cave halfway full. “Looks like we’re gonna have to swim for it,” I said. Our phones would be ruined, but who cared?

  “I don’t think so,” Poe said.

  “Well, it’s that or drown.” I smiled. “You can do it. I’ll be right there next to you.”

  And so we waded in, holding hands, the numbing water stealing our breath, and on the count of three, we went under and pushed off, kicking and reaching. Though the salt water stung my eyes, I opened them to make sure Poe was right there with me.

  For just a second, she was Lily, my lost sister now found in her daughter, baptized anew in the harsh bite of the clear, cold Maine ocean.

  * * *

  My mom was fine with Poe living with me, even if her eyes did fill with tears when I told her.

  “I guess that’s a good idear,” she said.

  “I’ll still see you every day, Gran,” Poe said, pulling the blanket closer around her shoulders. My mom insisted on wrapping us both up tight, and Donna was making coffee.

  “Well, you don’t have to come every day.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  “By the way, Gran is dating someone,” I said, tilting my head at Donna. “Mrs. K and she are a couple.”

  Poe’s eyes bugged out. “I have a lesbian grandmother? Oh, my God, I’m so cool!”

  We all laughed, and I ruffled Poe’s w
et hair. Boomer’s tail wagged, and he smiled his Dog of Dogs smile, glad that his womenfolk were all right.

  Over the next few days, I made plans.

  Amelia was more than happy that I’d be staying. We talked about benefits and hours, and I went back to Jim Ivansky, the real estate guy who’d found me the houseboat. Too bad I couldn’t afford to buy that. Asked him to keep an eye out for a little house in town. I called my practice and gave notice and said, of course, I’d come back to visit. Roseline cried when I told her, then gave me some news of her own—she was newly pregnant, and just because I’d be living in Maine didn’t mean I was getting out of godmother duty.

  Sully...Sully gave me that ovary-destroyer smile when I told him I’d be staying.

  “Don’t get cocky,” I said. “This has nothing to do with you.”

  “No, no, I’m just a happy side note here.” He kissed me. “Very happy.”

  We still hadn’t slept together—well, the right way, that was. But the girls were going to sleep over at my mom’s this weekend, so hopefully that was about to change.

  Five nights after I found Poe in the cave, I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. The area code, however, was 206.

  Seattle.

  “You have a call from an inmate at Washington State Women’s Correctional Facility,” the recorded voice said. “Press 1 to accept the call.”

  My hand was shaking. I pressed 1.

  “Lily?” I whispered.

  For a minute, there was no response.

  “Tell her I’m sorry.” My sister’s voice, which I hadn’t heard in years, cut my heart in half. “I’m so sorry. Take care of my baby, Nora. Take care of her better than I did. I had no business becoming a mother, but I love her, and I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t be better.”

  “I will,” I breathed. “I swear it, Lily. I’ll take good care of her.”

  “I know you will,” she said, her voice breaking. “I know.”

  Tears poured out of my eyes, and I pressed my lips together. “She loves you, too,” I said. “She loves you so much.”

  The sound of my sister crying had always gutted me.

  It still did.

  I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. “Are you okay, Lily?”

  There was no answer. Of course, she wasn’t okay.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice wobbling. “Guess what I found? In the cave. Remember? Remember what you wrote?”

  There was no answer.

  “You wrote ‘Nora and Lily, together forever.’ Remember that? I’ll send you a picture of it,” I said.

  “I never... I never showed anyone our cave. I never did.”

  I bit down on a sob. “I love you, Lily. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  I kept saying it until she hung up so softly I didn’t know the connection had been cut. And even then, I kept saying it.

  I love you. I love you. I love you.

  28

  The morning of Go Far, Be Strong dawned clear and blue, a stiff breeze coming off the ocean.

  Xiaowen and I were running together—we kind of had to, as the organizers. We’d asked the high school cross-country teams to join us and run with the littler kids in a shorter run than the 10K for us older folks. Audrey had suggested they all wear superhero T-shirts, so the town green was dotted with Avengers, Batman T-shirts and the Superman symbol. One redheaded girl was dressed like Black Widow—it would be hard to run in leather, but she sure was rocking the look.

  Audrey wasn’t quite up for the run just yet, though she’d already committed to next year. She was walking the 3K, though, and wore a shirt that said Healthy Comes in Every Size. Poe had opted to walk with her, holding the Go Far banner. “Gotta stick with my friend,” she said.

  I was ridiculously proud of both girls. In fact, I couldn’t look at them without tearing up. Poe saw and rolled her eyes, but there was a smile there, too.

  Mom and Donna ran the water station and gave out race numbers to last-minute registrants. A lot of the hug therapy gang was helping, too—Mr. Carver, the weepy widower, Jake, Bob Dobbins, who kept shooting confused looks my mother’s way.

  “How’s it going?” came a voice, and I smiled and turned.

  Sullivan Fletcher.

  “Heya, handsome,” I said.

  “Hey yourself.”

  We smiled stupidly at each other the way only two people who’ve had wall-banging sex can. Oh, yeah. Wall-banging, then nice and slow in bed...and then later on in the kitchen. Medals should’ve been awarded to us both, thank you very much.

  He leaned in and kissed me.

  “Old people kissing!” Poe said. “Look away, look away!” Audrey laughed.

  The other night, he’d come over for dinner at the houseboat, Poe was still at Mom’s for now, though we’d be moving to a house come the end of summer if my offer was accepted. Sully and I had been sitting on the top deck, drinking wine and watching Boomer lick the mint leaves, and I laughed at something Sully said. He leaned forward and clicked his phone. “Got it,” he said.

  “Got what?”

  “Your laugh. It’s on record now. It’ll go in my best-things file.”

  My heart, my ovaries, my everything turned into a puddle of lust. We’d barely made it to the bedroom.

  “Hello,” said Amy. She was wearing a T-shirt with a race number pinned to it. Boomer got up to greet her and licked her knee.

  “Hey, Amy,” I said. She seemed okay with me dating the father of her child. Then again, she’d moved on long ago.

  In fact, Amy wasn’t so bad. She was, I’d found, just a normal person, no longer queen of the Cheetos. Just a mom with two kids, trying to do her best and earn a living. She wasn’t the only one who’d judged people back in the day. Ironic, that the fat girl and the prom queen were now almost friends.

  “You running the 10K, or the five?” Sully asked.

  “The ten,” she said. “Obviously. It’s only six miles. Are you, Flabby?”

  “Sorry, I missed that,” he said.

  “I said, ‘Are you, Flabby?’” she repeated in a loud voice, overenunciating.

  “Sorry. Didn’t catch that.”

  “I said—oh, I get it. You’re joking. He’s joking, Nora. It hardly ever happens, so enjoy it now.”

  Sully smiled.

  I loved him, of course.

  Funny, how easy that could be. When you found the right person, there was no hiding of flaws...there was just trying to do better. There was the comfort of admitting your weaknesses and trying to get past them. The knowledge that no one needed you to be on all the time, always fun, upbeat, attentive... He only needed you to be yourself. The security in knowing someone loved simply being with you.

  I’d registered for a sign language class with him and Audrey this fall in Portland. It looked like I’d be needing it.

  I squeezed his hand. “I need to get up front with Xiaowen,” I said.

  “Good luck,” Sully said.

  “See you at the finish,” Amy said. “But I ran in school, so...I might be home by then. Oh, snap!”

  I laughed, too.

  Xiaowen was the master of ceremonies, being much better with a microphone than most people on earth. She welcomed people, called a few out by name, talked about how everyone could aspire to physical strength and good health and should feel free to work out with her, and only dropped the f-bomb four times.

  People loved her (of course), laughing and clapping. In the crowd, I saw Richard Hemmings, the guy from Jitters. Hmm. I had a sneaking suspicion he might be here to see my friend, though she was playing dumb so far.

  “Let’s get it started,” Xiaowen sang. “Go far! Be strong! Get your asses moving!” The starter gun went off, and a big cheer went up from the crowd. No more gray...just color everywhere, the blue of the sky and ocean, the flower boxes and p
lanters, the brightly painted doors of Main Street, the riotous mix of T-shirts as we surged forward as one.

  All of us, together.

  * * *

  We raised more than fifteen grand for a health initiative for kids in grades six through twelve. Cooking and nutrition classes, some new equipment for the gym, obesity prevention, all that good stuff. The picnic on the green afterward featured burgers and hot dogs, but also vegetarian burgers, whole-grain buns, salads and fruit. Moderation in all things, as my favorite teacher in med school used to say.

  “Is it okay if I sleep over at Audrey’s?” Poe asked me.

  “Fine with me if it’s fine with Gran,” I said. My mom said it was.

  “Guess I won’t see you tonight,” Sullivan said. “I’ll be making popcorn and watching The Fault in Our Stars.”

  “You lucky thing. That’s okay. Xiaowen’s supposed to come over, anyway.”

  “That’s right, Sully,” Xiaowen said, punching his arm to get his attention. “And you know how we bitches are. We put each other first, right, Nora?”

  “Word,” I said.

  “Please stop trying to be cool,” Poe said.

  “Sorry,” I said, standing up. I’d cleverly been on setup crew to avoid having to clean up. Six miles was two more than my usual four, and my muscles were starting to cramp up. “I’m heading home to shower and probably nap. See you later, gang. Great job today. I’m proud of everyone.”

  “Oh, God, she’s crying again,” Poe said.

  “Just got something in my eye, that’s all,” I answered, smiling at her. She patted my shoulder.

  As Boomer and I made my way through the crowd, I was a little surprised at how many people I knew, summer folks and locals alike. Amelia, who had donated a large chunk of what we earned, waved, looking like she was at the Derby with a big, beautiful beige hat adorned with a huge ivory bow. I waved back, then bumped right into someone.

  Bobby.

  “Hello,” he said. Gloria stood behind him, hands on her hips.

  Boomer, faithless ho that he was, began wriggling and whining to be acknowledged. “Hey, Boomer,” Bobby said, his voice softening a little.