Her own husband had married her for those same reasons. It garnered him more wealth and he had wanted nothing else from their marriage.
It wasn’t that Maggy brought any lands, titles, or holdings to their marriage. Nay, she’d been as poor as dirt from the day she was born. And she could never figure out how her mother had been able to broker a marriage between the two of them. For reasons she was never privy to, Gawter’s uncle had promised to double Gawter’s holdings if only he’d agree to marry Maggy. Being the greedy man that he was, Gawter could not turn down such an offer.
Maggy knew she had not brought Gawter any amount of true happiness for that had not been his goal. Nay, he found his happiness in the arms of other women, not in Maggy’s. Their marriage had been a means to an end and nothing more. There had been no romance, no kind words, no handholding or long walks across their lands. It had been void of anything remotely heartfelt or sincere. It had been empty.
She had learned long ago that women were nothing more than chattel. They were traded like sheep or horses. A woman had no voice in any matter, and her opinions were of no import to anyone.
At the moment however, her heart was speaking louder than her mind. It was booming in her chest, as loud as a hundred Scottish drums, to listen, to hope.
Mayhap Findley was different. Mayhap he spoke the truth. Mayhap he was a good man who wanted only to help. Her life experiences taught her that those men were as rare as two-headed pigs.
Her heart ached with missing her son Ian [JT1] and it begged her to listen to Findley. He had turned away from her and was walking, albeit a bit wobbly[ST2] thanks to her true aim, back toward the clearing.
“Findley,” she called after him.
He came to a stop, hung his head and placed his hands on his hips. It wasn’t easy to tamp down the myriad of thoughts and feelings swarming in his mind and heart. He was angry with the Buchannans for burning out Maggy’s home, for killing the auld and for taking Ian. He was angry at Maggy for being so stubborn and for lumping him in with the filthy Buchannans and for causing the growing knot on his forehead.
But most of all, he was angry with himself for not having arrived weeks ago to take Maggy and her family back to Dunshire. Had he not been stabbed by an English soldier’s dirk this past summer he would have been here sooner and this whole disaster could have been avoided. And he’d be well on his way to winning her heart.
He took a deep breath and turned to face her. There was a good deal of fear and distrust simmering in those bright green eyes of hers. More anger toward the Buchannans began to boil up in his stomach, for it had been they who had made her afraid.
Findley knew the only way to rid her of her trepidation was to rescue Ian. He knew that Maggy would not rest, nor would she shed the mantle of fear draped around her heart until she had her son back in her arms. Findley would go to the ends of the earth to bring Ian back to her.
When he saw her eyes brimming with tears, what was left of his heart shattered. “Maggy,” he spoke softly. “I ken yer afraid, and rightly so. And I ken I ask a great deal of ye, to put yer trust into the hands of a stranger.”
He studied her for a moment. Her auburn braid had come loose; the long tendrils tumbled down her back. The gentle breeze ran through it like fingers and he wished it were his fingers that touched it.
“Tell me why I should believe ye,” she said quietly. Give me one reason to trust you.
Findley let out a short breath. “Lass, I dunna ken what I can say other than ask ye to trust me. I mean neither ye nor yers any harm, I only want to help.”
“But why?” She had to know the reasons behind his offer to help, elst she’d not be able to trust him.
“Because it be the right and honorable thing to do.” Had he not been fearful that she would either throw another rock to his head or turn and run like a skittish deer, he would have told her more. He would have told her of his feelings for her. Before he realized it, however, more words tumbled from his mouth. “And I be searchin’ for redemption.”
Her expression turned from fear to curiosity. Redemption? What on earth could Findley McKenna have done in his life that required redemption? The question itself was the answer. If her heart asked what he could have done that needed redeeming she fully believed that it was God’s way of telling her she could trust him. At least for now.
“Ye truly want to help me get me son back?” She would let the subject of redemption alone for now.
“Aye, I do.”
There was something fleeting in those dark brown eyes of his. Something that pleaded with her to believe him.
She swallowed hard before taking a deep breath. “I’ll take yer offer of help.”
His shoulders relaxed as he let out a sigh of relief. A wry smile came to his face. “Will ye be puttin’ down yer weapons now?” he asked, staring at the stones she still held in her hands.
She fought the urge to return his captivating smile. “Nay,” she told him as she tucked the stones into the pocket of her apron. “I may need them yet.”
Findley took her words as a warning. She’d trust him only in so far as he’d not bring physical harm to her or her boys. Her trust was only temporary.
She maintained a safe distance as they walked back toward the clearing. Findley allowed her the space she needed, understanding she held a good deal of reservation about him. He could not say that he blamed her for being unable to trust men.
As they stepped into the clearing, Findley whistled, a clear signal to his men that all was well. Moments later, his men stepped forward, peering cautiously at Findley and Maggy. The boys raced toward her and smothered her with hugs.
When Wee William caught a glimpse of Maggy for the first time, he came to a dead stop at the edge of the clearing. The most peculiar look had come to his face. His eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open. Patrick came and stood beside his friend who at the moment appeared to be made of stone.
“What be the matter, Wee William?” he asked as he followed Wee Williams gaze. His own eyes fell to Maggy then. A bonny woman, aye, but her beauty didn’t have the same effect on Patrick as it had William.
“Wee William?” Patrick asked, nudging the man from his trance with an elbow to his ribs.
Wee William swallowed hard and whispered. “I’d shave me beard and cut me hair if she asked me to.”
Five
“Nay,” Findley said firmly. “Ye’ll go to our keep in Dunshire. Ye’ll not be going against the Buchannans with us.”
Five sets of very determined and angry eyes glared at him. Findley could well understand their desire to do whatever they could to get Ian back. However, four young lads and a woman weren’t the kind of help he needed to lay siege to the Buchannan keep.
“Findley,” Maggy began. “Ian is me son. I’ll not sit idly by whilst ye and yer men attempt to rescue him.”
Insulted, Findley’s eyes turned to dark slits. “Attempt?” he asked. “Do ye no’ think I can get him back?”
Maggy took a deep breath. “I dinna say that.” She stared back at him. “I’m sayin’ ye’ll not do it without me.”
Under different circumstances he might well have found her stubbornness appealing and attractive. As it was, they were wasting valuable time arguing the point. If they would just get in the wagons they could discuss the matter as they rode to Renfrew. But nay, Maggy and her boys refused to board the wagons until they had his promise that they would be allowed to assist in retrieving Ian.
“Maggy, I ken ye want yer son back.”
She drew her lips into a firm line as she stared back at him. “Aye. I do,” she told him.
“If ye’ll just get into the wagon, we can discuss it on our way to Renfrew.”
“Not until I have yer promise ye’ll not try to send me to yer keep.”
If he had arrived days ago, days before the Buchannans had attacked, she may well have been tempted to accept his offer to foster her sons and live amongst his clan. But now, everything had changed and she
could no longer afford the luxury of pretending she and her sons could ever live out a normal existence. She wondered just how much Findley knew about her or Liam. She also wondered if he knew the real reasons behind the attack.
His patience had been stretched thin. He realized that logic would not play into any decision she might make this day.
“Fine. I promise I’ll no’ try to send ye back to my keep,” he told her. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t leave her safely in Renfrew.
“Ye promise?” she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
He grunted. “Maggy!” He was growing more frustrated by the moment. “I promise I’ll no’ send ye to me keep! Now please,” he lowered his voice, doing his best not to yell, but his patience was wearing thin. “Get into the wagons.”
She had been married to a master liar and manipulator for five years. She saw right through Findley’s lie. Deciding she wanted nothing more than to move forward, she would for now, allow him this one lie. While he might keep his promise not to send her to Dunshire, more likely than not he would skirt the issue and leave her and her boys either in Renfrew or some other place along the way.
“Fine,” she said. “We’ll go to Renfrew.” But she had no intentions of remaining there.
Findley let out a relieved breath and nodded to his men while Maggy gave a curt nod to her boys and headed toward the wagons.
“Robert,” Wee William called to the boy. “Have ye ever driven a wagon?”
Robert raced up to stand before Wee William. “Nay, but I imagine I can learn.”
Wee William gave the boy an approving nod and Robert scurried up the wagon. Wee William gave him a few quick instructions before untying the leads from the brake and handing them to him.
Liam had appeared at Wee William’s side. “What will ye have me do?” the boy asked eagerly.
Wee William smiled down at the boy. “Ye’ve the most important job of all lad,” he said as he lifted the boy up and sat him next to Robert.
“Ye have to keep yer eyes open and be lookin’ fer any signs of trouble.”
Liam would take his role seriously. “Aye,” he said as he looked out at the horizon. “Do I get a broadsword or a dirk?” He asked.
Wee William stifled a chuckle. “Nay lad, no’ yet.”
Liam looked disappointed. “I’ll teach ye the proper use of a broadsword soon enough,” Wee William told him. “But fer now, I need ye to be on the look out for Buchannans, or anyone else for that matter.”
Patrick called after Andrew and Collin. “Andrew,” he said. “How old be ye?”
“Ten and two,” he answered, looking up at the man who could very well have passed for his older brother.
“I be almost ten and one!” Collin told him, looking quite eager to help.
Patrick nodded, “That’ll do. The two of ye will drive this wagon,” he told them. “Ye stay between Findley’s wagon and Robert’s.”
Richard would lead the way while Wee William and Patrick followed up the rear on their mounts. With any luck, they’d reach Renfrew by month’s end. Wee William knew it was too much to hope for to reach it by nightfall.
~~~
Maggy was not happy, not happy at all. She sat as far from Findley as the wagon seat would allow and refused to partake in any small talk. After Findley’s lie, she doubted she could trust the man beyond getting her to Renfrew. She was certain that once there, he would slip out at one point or another and leave without her.
Half an hour had passed since Findley had given up his attempts at conversation. He could not figure out why Maggy was angry. Shouldn’t she be happy that he and his men had found her and her boys before the Buchannans did?
He could stand the silence no longer. “Do ye mind tellin’ me why yer so angry?”
Maggy rolled her eyes and shook her head. It puzzled her to no end as to how men, stupid beasts really, had managed to control the earth. If women were in charge, well, life would certainly be different. She imagined that if women held the power that men did, there’d be no more wars, no more political firestorms and definitely no more arranged marriages. There would finally be peace on this earth.
But men did have all the power. And they certainly hadn’t gained it using any mental intellect. They’d gotten it through sheer brute strength.
Findley took a deep breath. “Maggy, I canna fix the problem if I dunna ken what I’ve done wrong.”
Maggy mulled it over for a moment. She needed the ride to Renfrew. Did he make his offer to get Ian back for noble reasons? Or did he know more than he was letting on? Was that why he was so adamant about getting to Renfrew and the reason behind his blatant lie? She wished she knew him better.
Mayhap his reasons were noble and he truly had no clue what was really going on with the Buchannan. But what would happen once he learned the truth behind Ian’s abduction? All men were, after all, the same -- simple-minded beasts. She decided it was far too much to hope that Findley would be any different.
Chances were, he would respond in the same fashion as the Buchannan. Aye, he might not use brutal tactics to get what he wanted. The problem was that he would want what she could offer and she had no desire to give it to anyone.
“Ye’ll be leavin’ us in Renfrew, won’t ye?”
Blunt and to the point, yet another trait he might enjoy in a woman if the circumstances were different. “What leads ye to believe that?” he asked, keeping his eyes on the horizon.
“I was married fer a time, Findley. I be not an innocent lass who canna tell when she’s bein’ lied to.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.
He wasn’t sure how to respond. He had told the truth earlier, that he would not send her to his keep in Dunshire. She was apparently smart enough to figure out he planned on leaving her in Renfrew.
“Maggy,” he began as he tried to find a way back to her good side. “I’ve only yer safety in mind. I dunna want any harm to come to ye or yer boys.”
“And why do ye care about me safety, or that of me boys?” She folded her hands in her lap and looked at him.
Findley chewed his tongue for a moment before answering. “I’ve told ye before. ’Tis the right thing to do, to help those that need it.” He prayed she would accept his answer and not drag it out further.
She caught the flicker of something as it flashed across his face. He had said earlier that he sought redemption and spoke of honor. There was more to it than what he was sharing.
“Why do ye seek redemption?” If she caught him in another lie she would be glad for him to leave her in Renfrew.
He felt the color drain from his face as his stomach tightened. He rarely spoke of what had happened to his family and how he had failed them. He came to the sudden realization that there was a very strong chance he’d not be able to gain her affections. And once she learned why he sought redemption, would she look at him with shame?
Better she learned the truth now and be done with it. He felt all hope at winning her heart fall away with what he was about to tell her.
He took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. “I failed me family. Because of it, they be dead.”
Her expression wasn’t what he had expected. Instead of looking at him with disgust and shame, she looked puzzled. “How did ye fail them?”
His jaw hardened. “Does it matter?” he asked. “They be dead and it be me fault.”
“Aye, it does matter.”
It was his turn to look puzzled.
“Findley,” she said before taking a short breath in. “If I am to entrust the safety of meself and me boys to ye, then I’ve a right to ken.”
Maggy knew there were many ways in which a man could fail his family. Some were far worse than others.
“I was no’ there to protect them. There was an attack on our village.” He cleared his throat before going on. “Because I was no’ there, the entire village was destroyed, including me own family.”
The images of his own burned and destroyed village began to blend with w
hat had happened to Maggy’s. His stomach tightened further and his heart began to pound with guilt. He had failed them all.
“Where were ye when it happened?” she asked softly.
“I was off with me friends,” he answered. “Fishin’.”
“Did ye ken an attack was comin’?”
He thought it a ridiculous question. “Of course not. Had I ken it, I’d no’ have been fishin’.”
“Then why blame yerself?” She could see the guilt etched on his face and her heart began to break for him.
“If I had been there, I could have helped.” In Findley’s mind, it made perfectly good sense. Many people over the years had tried to tell him not to blame himself. But those people simply did not understand how he could not relinquish the guilt. He carried it with him, wherever he went. He wore it like a second skin.
Maggy could well understand his guilt. Had she been at home, instead of the forest, she could have protected her small clan from the Buchannans.
But everything would have ended differently had she been there. She and her boys would either be dead or she would have been forced to marry the Buchannan in order to save them all. The thought of marrying Malcolm Buchannan sickened her.
She had refused the Buchannan chief’s proposal each and every time he had made it over the past several months. There had been numerous reasons why she had refused him. The man was as disgusting as he was cruel. He apparently disliked bathing for he stunk to the high heavens and his teeth were yellow. The thought of being married to someone who was that cruel and that filthy was revolting. She could not imagine anyone who would willingly lay with the man let alone bear his child. She simply could not bring herself to agree to marry him.
Once the Buchannan got what he wanted, Maggy and her sons would have no longer held any value to him. They were simply a means to an end.
No matter how well she understood the circumstances, she still could not rid herself of the guilt. She would never be able to forgive herself for the deaths of her people or for Ian’s abduction.
Findley's Lass, Book Two of The Clan MacDougall Series Page 5
