by Nick Pirog
“The next hot date isn’t for another five days. I want you guys to stay alert, but it appears Tristen is only striking on the hot dates.”
Kim Welding asked, “Can we do anything to help?”
“Right now, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do.”
I retreated into the kitchen. Alex was slurping up the last bites of the Froot Loop primordial soup and I asked, “Mind if I have a bowl?”
She slurped down the last bite of her cereal. “Yes.”
“Well, I’m having one anyway.”
“Suit yourself.” Wow, Déjà vu. I grabbed a bowl, a spoon, and the milk, and joined her at the small table.
I picked up the box of Froot Loops. Empty. I couldn’t help but notice Alex now had a heaping bowl of cereal. She smiled and said, “There’s more in the cabinet.”
I walked to the cabinet and opened it. Cha-ching. House mom had evidently gone grocery shopping. There were seven different boxes of cereal, including an unopened box of Lucky Charms. I poured the cereal and asked Alex, “What are the odds I find an article about this in the Waterville Tribune tomorrow?”
She picked a green Froot Loop from her bowl and held it up.
Chapter 37
Today was October 7th, which meant today was Jennifer Pepper’s funeral in New York. The service started at one-thirty, which meant I was running late. Is it possible to be running early? If so, I’d never experienced the phenomenon. Lacy was snuggled up with Caleb and Baxter on the floor under a down comforter and I shook her lightly. I said, “Up and at ‘em. We have to be dressed and on the road in half an hour.”
Lacy said groggily, “All my stuff is at Caleb’s.” Lacy was roughly the same size as Alex, give or take a cup size. “I’ll see if Alex has something black you can wear. But you need to hop in the shower.”
I led her to the shower in the guest bedroom and walked across the hall to Alex’s room. I knocked on the door and Alex yelled, “Come in.”
Alex was fastening the top button of a turquoise blouse, and said, “Well now he comes knocking.” She looked at her watch, “We’re going to have to make this fast though, I need to be somewhere at nine.” She unfastened the top button on her blouse and started in on the second.
She appeared serious and I said, “I’ll have to take a rain check.”
She pouted dramatically and I rebuked, “Sorry, I have a funeral that takes precedence over whoopee.” Her mouth straightened. The word funeral is in the same boat as black plague, gingivitis, dungeons & dragons, and genital warts, they all seem to drain the romance from a situation.
I said, “Lacy’s stuff is at Caleb’s and we’re running a little behind schedule. Do you have anything Lacy can borrow?”
She nodded and went to her closet. She came back with a decent length black skirt and a black blouse. I asked, “Where is it you have to be at nine?”
“I have a meeting with my publisher to see about a sequel to Eight in October.”
Grand, another book I would have to buy five friggin’ times. “What are you going to call it, Encore in October?”
She cocked her head sideways and grinned.
Lacy and I settled into the car at nine-ish. We stopped at a Dunkin Donuts on the way out of town and I picked up two large coffees, five donuts, and one Waterville Press.
Waterville Press? What ever happened to Waterville Tribune?
Under the new title was a letter from the editor:
The Waterville Tribune has undergone a name change. The Waterville Press promises to deliver the same caliber of undiluted coverage you’ve come to expect from the Waterville Tribune. —Editor in Chief, Alex Tooms
That sneaky, conniving wench.
Under this was the headline: Hero Catches Eye of Local Girl.
My hands were trembling, and I was forced to read the article on my lap. Thankfully, Alex didn’t describe the particulars of Kellon’s mutilated corpse and I recalled that she’d never ventured down to the galley.
I was rolling up the paper when I noticed after the Press in Waterville Press were four tiny letters, c-o-t-t. Unbelievable, Alex had renamed the paper the Waterville Press-cott.
I was contemplating doing Tristen Grayer a favor and killing Alex Tooms myself.
Jennifer’s funeral was a nice service and we made our journey full circle by ten later that evening, both of us deciding to crash at Caleb’s. I didn’t trust myself around Alex. Although, whether it was my sleeping with her, or killing her, was a bit fuzzy.
I still couldn’t believe what she’d done, but I guess when you own a paper you have a lot of leeway. Alex truly was the Queen Bee. With one hell of a stinger. I called Conner at eleven and he gave me the run down on the meeting that afternoon. The new task force was stumped. I wasn’t, and had never been a suspect. The eye was in fact Kellon’s. And Todd’s nose now slightly bent to the left.
I wasn’t sure if I were glad, or disappointed they were stumped, God knows I was stumped. We needed a break other than Todd’s delicate little nose.
Caleb, Lacy, and I ordered Chinese and played a couple games of gin rummy. Lacy and Caleb beat me twice before retiring to the living room to watch a movie. Yours truly, on the other hand, went for a night jog and scrutinized each crime scene in my head. At mile five it hit me, the eyes. It came down to the eyes. I wasn’t sure in what context or why, but I was sure the eyes meant something. Perhaps, Tristen would be nice enough to detail it for me the next time we bumped into each other. Speaking of which, was the exact reason I was jogging at twelve-thirty on a Sunday night.
Nothing out of the ordinary happened on my run and I was drinking water straight from Caleb’s faucet a little after one. Caleb and Lacy had retired to the bedroom to watch a little Discovery Channel, or more likely, to play a little Discovery Channel. I thought about the word channel and I ran out to my car and grabbed the walkie-talkie.
I flipped the channel back to nine and said, “I know you can hear me you piece of shit. I was going to bring you down and let the justice system punish you, but now I’ve decided to kill you. I’m going to strangle you with your own guts. Sweet dreams.”
Chapter 38
I slept next to the walkie-talkie, half expecting it to crackle sometime throughout the night, but either Tristen hadn’t heard my message or he didn’t want to play my game. More likely the latter. This was his game. And we would play by his rules.
Lacy made breakfast for the three of us and I asked what her plans were for the day. She turned from the skillet and said, “I was going to finish a couple last minute things at the gallery, but Ashley’s funeral is at noon, after which I plan on getting extremely wasted. I recommend you do the same.”
I’d totally spaced Ashley’s funeral. Back-to-back Christmas parties are fun, back-to-back funerals, not so much. Well, if there was a silver lining it was that I hadn’t spilled anything on my suit at Jennifer’s wake.
Caleb, Lacy, and I walked up the path, through the Franklin Cemetery gates, and found a crowd of close to a hundred gathered around where Ashley was to be buried. I could make out the majority of the students in my class, in addition to Ashley’s family.
It wasn’t difficult to spot her mother, her resemblance to Ashley was uncanny. As the three of us joined the back of the group, the priest began his spiel, and I was glad I wouldn’t have to fumble through the oddities of funeral banter with any of my students.
The priest gave an angelic ceremony, and I felt Lacy squeeze my hand in its finality. I forgot a handkerchief and was forced to wipe my eyes with the cuff of my jacket. I don’t cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m angry. Angry tears don’t dribble off your cheek, they’re absorbed, as if you can’t part with that anger, you need that anger to go on, to live. I was so angry. Angry with Tristen Grayer for Ashley’s death. Angry with Ashley for letting herself become Tristen’s prey. But predominantly, I was angry with myself for letting her death happen. Ashley had been killed in the storming of my castle. She was a chambermaid within my walls and
I hadn’t been able to protect her.
Ashley’s mother was walking up to the podium to render the eulogy and I was losing it exponentially. I could almost hear the dam splintering in my brain. I slid my hand from Lacy’s, retreated a couple steps backward through the grass, and walked away from the procession. I made it about a hundred or so yards over a small hill before the dam burst. A high school friend lost to a car accident, my parents’ funeral, every snapshot I’d taken as a homicide detective, the eight women’s mutilated corpses from a year ago, Jennifer, Ashley, Kellon; each of these memories poured from my tear ducts and played over my eyes before trickling to the ground.
I found a stick on the ground and broke it in half until it would no longer break. I’d only heard a neck break once, but it sounded almost identical with that of a twig snapping in half. Anyway, with your eyes closed, you get the idea. So after breaking Tristen Grayer’s neck six or seven times, I felt remarkably pacified.
I walked the grounds for about ten minutes. There were a couple old people visiting their friends at the big buffet line in the sky, but apart from them, I didn’t encounter anyone else. I made my way back to the procession and noticed the group was forming a line in which to put a rose, or other tokens of expression, atop the casket. I noticed at the midpoint of the line, in a black pantsuit, was Alex Tooms.
What was she doing here? Did she know Ashley? Of course she didn’t. Was she here just to see me?
I fell in at the back of the line and mentally traded Alex for Ashley. This was her time. I concentrated on how much I’d enjoyed the short time I’d known her, how much she’d made me laugh, and how much she’d tempted me to break the time-honored code. I thought back to a night at a bar about a month ago when she’d said she’d do, “Anything for an A. Anything.”
I reached into my pocket and removed a small piece of paper about an inch wide and six inches long. It was the piece of paper I gave kids at the end of the semester with their final grade. I’d written a short passage on it and circled her grade, 89.1%, an “A” in my book.
I put the folded sheet in with all the flowers, gave my condolences to Ashley’s parents, and walked to where Caleb, Lacy, and most of my class were huddled. I scanned the grounds for Alex, but didn’t come across the jade-eyed jaded journalist. The conversation turned to which bar we should take the festivities to. Caleb made an executive decision, The Pale Norseman Pub, and the scrum slowly started to move toward the cemetery gates.
As we neared the entrance, I spied Alex in my peripherals. How could this woman be so selfish, first with the articles, then coming here? I knew goldfish who were less self-serving. She sidestepped me as I eclipsed the gate and said, “You haven’t returned any of my calls.”
I ignored her question and said, “What are you doing here? I thought you only wrote the Tristen Grayer High Praise column. I didn’t know you did obituaries too.”
She looked like I punched her in the stomach. I cut her off before she could reply, “Don’t call me anymore.”
I thought I saw a tear form in her eye, but turned before I could be sure.
Chapter 39
Here’s the million dollar question, make that plural, million dollar questions; Who threw me down a flight of stairs? Why was I in the fetal position in a bathtub? And finally, and most consequential, why was I naked?
I pushed myself up and sent a blinding pain searing through my skull. It felt like my temples were playing Pong with my brain. I peeked over the brim of the bathtub basin and saw my pants atop a pile of puke drenched clothing. All right, so I’d found my clothes, now where was I? Caleb’s? One of my buddies from The Maine Catch?
I stood up, shakily, and surveyed the bathtub and shower, again shakily. I had a strange sense of déjà vu, but since I’d never woken up naked, in a bathtub, in the fetal position before, I didn’t know when, or where, to attribute the feeling.
There was a pink loofa hung around the shower spigot, and I crossed off the crew of The Maine Catch. I didn’t cross off Caleb, my sister had a pink loofa and may have relocated it. I picked up a bottle of liquid body soap and turned it over in my hand. A haunting memory filled the infinitesimal area of my brain functioning at the moment; I was squeaky clean, a silver lining to Caitlin and my Lever 2000 enhanced copulation.
Blimey.
I was at Caitlin’s.
How in the hell did I end up here? I could have slept on the beach, on a park bench, or in a jail cell, anywhere but the woman I’d just screwed under then screwed over.
My first priority was Tylenol. I couldn’t defuse this time bomb until I defused this hangover. I stepped out of the tub and walked to Caitlin’s medicine cabinet, extracting a bottle of Tylenol. After pouring the last of the capsules down my throat, somewhere between one and eleven, I tossed the bottle in the small wastebasket next to the toilet.
Back up, beep, beep, beep. Clear the etch-a-sketch, shake, shake, shake. We have a new million dollar question: What is worse than waking up naked in your ex’s bathtub, with a blinding hangover, and your new suit caked in throw up?
The answer of course is: Finding the packaging box from a home pregnancy kit sitting atop your ex’s bathroom trashcan.
I picked up the tiny blue trashcan and rifled through the contents for the actual pregnancy test. I tried to get mentally prepared. Blue is good, Red is bad; - is good, + is bad; Da is good, Da-da is bad.
Luckily, the pregnancy test was MIA. I’m not sure what I would have done if I’d stumbled on it and it’d been positive. It isn’t that fatherhood scared me, because it didn’t. Marrying Caitlin, on the other hand, scared the little green dog turds out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a standup guy, if one of my regiment somehow infiltrated Fort Dodds, then I would stand by her. I mean, there was a ninety percent chance I would stand by her, and only a ten percent chance I’d send her a check once a month. No, it was more like a seventy percent chance Caitlin and I would get married, and only a thirty percent chance I would change my name and move to the depths of the Amazon.
The more I think about it, dime, we need a dime over here.
I put the trash back how I’d found it, placed the empty Tylenol bottle back in the cabinet, and picked my puke drenched suit off the bathroom floor. I opened the door to the bathroom and peeked out. No sign of Caitlin. Caitlin’s dresser was positioned against the far wall and after a minute I found a pair of my boxers, a shirt of mine, and an old pair of sweat pants.
I looked at the clock, saw it was almost ten, and dialed Lacy on my cell. I started with, “Mind telling me what happened last night?”
She laughed, “You said you were walking down to have a beer with your Maine Catch pals and disappeared.”
This jarred a vague recollection of taking a boilermaker with six bearded men, although this may have just been a recessed memory from Lumberjack Camp. After a bit of cajoling, I was able to persuade Lacy to call Caitlin and fish out her present location.
Lacy called back a minute later and said, “Caitlin said, quote, ‘I’m pulling up to my house right this second to check on your bastard of a brother.’”
I hung up on her and went to the bedroom window, corroborating Lacy’s statement, Caitlin was opening the door of her Pathfinder as we speak. I grabbed my damp suit and ran out of Caitlin’s bedroom and into the hall. Her key went into the lock as I skipped past the front door and slipped behind one of the large drapes in her living room. My only chance was if she went directly to her bedroom to check on me as I suspected she would. The door opened and Caitlin yelled at the top of her lungs, “Thomas. Are you alive you jerk?”
I let ten seconds pass, then slipped out Caitlin’s front door for the last time. After two blocks I stopped running, retrieving my ringing cell from my pant pocket. Let’s just say I wasn’t shocked when I saw Caitlin’s number on the caller ID. I clicked my voice mail on and saw I had four other missed calls. Two from Caitlin, two from Alex. Two from a woman who was a coin flip away from wearing my last name the rest of her lif
e and two from a woman who pissed me off and turned me on more than Chicago had.
It was about a two mile jog from Caitlin’s cookie cutter to the High Tide Tavern, and when I opened the door to my car, I was feeling like a champ, well a champ who had been dethroned the night before, but a champ nevertheless.
Back on the road, I whipped out my cell phone and dialed Caleb. I told him to get the gang together and meet me at my house by six. I wasn’t taking any chances, the next two nights would be spent behind the castle walls, and nobody, Tristen Grayer, the Grim Reaper, or fucking William Wallace himself, would be able to storm the gates.
Chapter 40
Caleb and the gang showed up at six, each with their respective overnight and sleeping bags. Noticeably missing was Kim Welding and I asked Caleb about her absence.
He said, “She has a midterm tomorrow. She said she was going to study in the library until like nine and then shoot over. I told her we’d call her every hour.”
If it’d been a day later and this had been the case, I would have called her teacher and had him postpone her midterm. But since the hot date was still more than thirty six hours away, I let it slide. Holly and Ali started preparing dinner at eight-thirty; Fat Tim, Tall Tim, and Blake retired to the living room to watch the Mariner’s playoff with Lacy; and Caleb and I busied ourselves putting the finishing touches on Lacy’s new room.
In the last forty-eight hours the room had been recarpeted and painted to fit Lacy’s specifications, which I regret to inform you were yellow, yellow, and more yellow. Actually the carpet was closer to Taupe, but the refraction off the Bright Canary walls gave it a yellow cast. The room smelled of fresh paint, but the walls were dry to the touch.
