by Lucy Adams
“It may have done,” Dinah answered truthfully, seeing him wince. “But I have also considered that given my lack of desire to marry then a convent may very well be an excellent choice.”
“But I do not want you to go there.”
Dinah’s breath caught in her chest, her heart furious in its rhythm as she looked up into Lord Whitehaven’s eyes. There was no mockery in his words, no sense that he was teasing her or trying to pretend that he felt more than he did. Instead, it felt as though he had swept her up into his warm embrace once more, holding her close as if he might never let her go.
“I do not want you to go,” he said again, his voice now a little hoarse. “Say that you will not seek to join a convent, Dinah. I could not imagine seeing you so rarely, for I do not think that I would be a welcome visitor, given my reputation and my dark, blackening sins.”
Closing her eyes, Dinah let out a long breath and set her shoulders. It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she would not go, that she would, in fact, seek out another future for herself, but something prevented her from doing so.
“I would do anything I could to convince you not to become a nun, although I should, mayhap, be congratulating you on your passion and your devotion,” Lord Whitehaven continued in a broken voice. “I am not that sort of gentleman, Dinah. I speak what is within my heart without consideration of what one ought to do.” Leaning down to her, he reached out and, for a moment, Dinah thought he might brush his fingers down her cheek, only for him to hesitate, mutter something under his breath, and sit back. His hand loosened from hers and was pulled slowly back onto his lap.
The sound of footsteps coming towards the door had Dinah rising to her feet at once, her face coloring with both embarrassment and the knowledge that Lord Whitehaven had pulled away from her when they had been on the very cusp of something more extraordinary than she had ever felt before. The rap on the door came as no surprise, and the tea tray was brought in almost at once. Silence fell between Dinah and Lord Whitehaven as the maid set the things out, quietly asking Lord Whitehaven if he wanted anything before departing again. Dinah looked down at the tea tray dispassionately, her heart beginning to ache with a pain that she did not understand. Lord Whitehaven was not the sort of gentleman that she ought to have any sort of consideration for, and yet the urge to be more to him than she was at present still grew steadily.
“I will give it all up, you know.”
Lord Whitehaven was not looking at her and his voice was so quiet that she had to strain to hear him.
“What do you mean?” she asked, sitting down carefully and reaching to pour the tea – not because she wanted a cup but rather so that it would give her something to do whilst Lord Whitehaven spoke.
“I would give up the gambling in its entirety, Dinah, if you were to agree not to join the convent.”
Her head lifted sharply, her hand shaking as she set down the teapot.
“I mean every word,” he told her quietly. “I would give it all up for you, should you agree.”
It was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever said to her and, for a few moments, Dinah was forced to hold back her tears. Whilst Lady Whitehaven and her cousins had been welcoming and loving, and whilst they had put up with a good deal of what Dinah knew now had been a very difficult attitude from herself, she had never had anything of such importance offered her. It told her that Lord Whitehaven truly did wish for her to remain and that, in his own way, he was trying to show her that he was honest in his intentions.
“Tell me, Dinah, if you will stay.” Lord Whitehaven rose to his feet, coming a little closer to where she sat. “If I swear to you that I shall never gamble again, along with all that such a decision entails, then will you stay here? You will not seek out a convent?” His hand rested on her shoulder, sending a tingle down her arm as Dinah struggled to deal with her overwhelming emotions. “Tell me, Dinah. I must know.”
His expression was one of utter torment, his voice begging her to stay. She could not refuse him now, especially when she herself had been questioning whether or not becoming a nun was the right choice for her. With her letter in her pocket and the promise of enough money to keep her settled and contented for the remainder of her days, Dinah knew precisely what she was to do.
“It is a very generous offer,” she replied throatily. “You would truly be willing to give up your gambling entirely? That would also mean that your love of liquor would–”
“Anything,” he grated, swiping the air with his hand in a decisive motion. “I would do anything required of me if it was to keep you from joining a convent and remaining so far from us all. You may not believe it, Dinah, but you are as important to this family as any other. My mother views you as another one of her daughters, my sisters see you as a sister of their own. And I…” He trailed off, his eyes lingering on her with such a gentleness in his expression that Dinah was drawn towards him, feeling herself rising to her feet so that she might stand near to him, without being certain as to why she was doing so or what she expected from it.
“I consider you much too important to lose you from my life,” he finished, his breath whispering across her cheek. “I am darkness and you the light. Surely you must see how valuable you are, Dinah?”
She swallowed hard, wanting desperately to reach out and touch him, to take his hand or to step into his embrace as she had done before. The atmosphere was beautifully tense, sending her stomach roiling but in a most delightful, expectant fashion.
“Lord Whitehaven!”
The knock on the door had them both jumping apart, as though the person at the door would stumble in and see them standing a little too close together.
“Your mother has returned, my lord.”
Lord Whitehaven went ashen. Giving Dinah a quick look, he bowed and muttered an apology, before hurrying towards the door.
“I will not go,” Dinah called, wanting to tell him that she would accept his offer. “I will stay.”
He paused, his hand on the door handle.
“Then this is the day that my life has changed for the better,” he told her, sending a beautiful smile to her face. “I will sort this matter out and be done with gambling for the rest of my days.” To her surprise, he seemed quite at ease with this decision, smiling at her tenderly. “You have brought my heart a good deal of joy, Dinah. I thank you.”
“Thank you,” Dinah replied, her eyes lingering on his retreating form for as long as she could before the door closed tightly behind him, blocking him from her view.
Chapter Nine
“Lord Irving has called for Dinah!”
Grayson’s head shot up, seeing his mother standing framed in the doorway. She had come into the study without even knocking, meaning that he had to lean forward over his desk so that she would not see his debts.
“He asked me if he might call upon her only yesterday, and I agreed without question.” Lady Whitehaven frowned suddenly. “I did think that he did not seem to care much for Dinah initially, for to ask to court her when he had not even called upon her once was quite forward, do you not think? But now, at least, he has shown his intentions to be fixed upon her, which I am glad of.” Coming a little further into the room, she tipped her head and frowned. “Although how many visits do you think he should be encouraged to have before he seeks to court Dinah again?”
Grayson let out a long, slow breath and tried to push down the flare of anger that had, for some inexplicable reason, begun to burn in his chest. “I do not think that Dinah is interested in Lord Irving, Mother.”
Lady Whitehaven laughed and shook her head as though Grayson was being ridiculous. “You cannot say that, Grayson!” she exclaimed. “And neither can Dinah herself, for she has spent very little time with the gentleman and one cannot make one’s mind up about someone’s character without at least conversing with them first!” She lifted her chin as though to make out that she was wiser in such matters than both he and Dinah. “Besides which, Dinah has a good de
al to learn about society and the like, and whilst she may think that she will be content to live alone, I do not think that she will truly be happy in such a situation. No, I am quite convinced that matrimony is the very best situation for her.”
“Whereas I am convinced that Dinah is wise enough to know her own mind,” Grayson replied firmly. “Come now, Mother, you cannot simply force your will upon her and refuse to allow her to make her own choices.”
Lady Whitehaven’s eyes flickered.
“I know that you may think me uncaring and eager only to remove Dinah from my house and from my responsibilities – which is more than understandable, given that I have not shown any consideration for her whatsoever, but the truth is, Mother, that I wish for Dinah to be permitted to make her own choice in matters of the heart. It is what my sisters have each been allowed to do–”
“It was not as though I was able to prevent any of them from doing precisely what they wished,” his mother interrupted, her eyes narrowing slightly as she looked at him. “Dinah, however, needs a little more guidance.”
Grayson hesitated, not wanting to contradict his mother but feeling the need to defend Dinah prodding him unrelentingly.
“You have four girls of your own all happily married, Mother,” he said slowly, looking up at her. “Can you be content with that, if Dinah chooses not to wed?”
Lady Whitehaven’s lips whitened for a moment as she pressed them tight together, clearly battling her own thoughts and becoming aware fully, mayhap, of her own thoughts and desires on the matter of Dinah and her future.
“You should not leave her with Lord Irving,” Grayson finished, looking pointedly at the door. “I presume someone else is with her, but all the same…” Trailing off, he lifted one eyebrow and looked pointedly at his mother, seeing her sigh and nod.
“Titania is with her, Grayson,” she told him, her voice a little less firm than it had been at the first. “But I shall return to her directly.”
“Thank you, Mother.”
“Although…” Lady Whitehaven turned back to face him, her eyes roving over his face again. “Although I must say I am glad you are recovered so, Grayson. A heavy cold, was it?”
Grayson swallowed hard but nodded, well aware that most of his bruises had faded but that one or two still remained. His mother’s sharp eyes roved over his face, leaving Grayson with the uncomfortable feeling that she knew all too well that he was not telling her the truth.
“And it has taken you near a fortnight to recover,” Lady Whitehaven murmured, giving him a small shake of her head. “I do hope this means you can return to society soon, Grayson, for you appear to be a good deal improved.”
Again, Grayson merely nodded, putting a smile on his face that he hoped his mother would believe was genuine. This was only the second time in two days that his mother had seen him, with the first only being the previous evening when it had been late enough for candles to have been lit and most of his features fairly well hidden in shadow. Obviously, she had been informed by the staff that he was now working in his study and had come in search of him without hesitation.
“Good afternoon, Grayson.”
His smile remained fixed. “Good afternoon, Mother.”
When the door closed tightly behind her, only then did Grayson give vent to his feelings. Groaning aloud, he leaned his head down on his folded hands as they rested on the table with the sensation that a knife was being slowly pushed into his heart. There was nothing particularly wrong with Lord Irving, as far as Grayson knew. But still, he found his spirits rebelling against the man for daring to come near Dinah.
“Dinah.”
Her whispered name clung to his lips for a moment, lingering there and filling his mouth with sweetness. To think of her being courted by another was dread itself, but yet Grayson knew he ought to allow her to do whatever she wished. After all, that was precisely what he had just told his mother to allow Dinah to do, and he could not precisely turn around and force her to do as he wished, could he?
What is it you want her to do?
The answer was in his heart and rose to the surface without much difficulty. He wanted Dinah to turn away from Lord Irving altogether and to focus her attentions entirely upon him. That desire had not faded, even though he had been entirely honest with her and had told her everything about his difficulties and his struggles. She knew every part of him and had not, as yet, turned away from him entirely as he had thought.
That was the worst of it, Grayson thought to himself, barely able to find the strength to lift his head as the weight of his sins sank down onto his shoulders. Almost one full week ago, he had told her the truth about himself, told her everything with the mistaken belief that it would push her from him. That, he had hoped, would be the end of the matter. She would be gone from him, and he would have nothing to concern himself with any longer. In time, the feelings he had for Dinah would fade and he would be able to content himself with the knowledge that it had been she who had turned from him and not the other way around.
Except she had not done so. She had come to his side and offered her support. He could still see her face looking up at him, promising him that she would not leave to join a convent if he was willing to give up his gambling. Had they not been interrupted, Grayson was quite certain he would have kissed her – and then what would have occurred? Things would be a good deal messier than they were at present, for he was still fully convinced that Dinah was not the sort of young lady he should be pining after and certainly should not be eager to consider pursuing! That had been almost a sennight ago and still he could not get her face from his mind, could not forget her quiet voice as it spoke to him such words of kindness, gentleness, and understanding. In their own separate ways, they were growing and changing, but she more than he. She was turning away from her bitter harshness, away from her words of rebuke and her critical spirit, and in their place came a gentle beauty that warmed his heart all the more. He had promised to turn from his gambling—and that meant giving up liquor in almost its entirety – for he would only allow himself one small glass of brandy should he wish for something to drink – but that had not, thus far, been particularly difficult. However, given that he still had his debts to pay, Grayson did not quite know what to do.
Raising his head, he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and then threw himself back into his chair, his eyes lifting heavenward. Perhaps he ought to pray. Mayhap God would be willing to listen to him if he asked for something that would be for the good of others and not just for himself.
“Remove my feelings from my heart,” he whispered, half begging, half praying. “Do not allow me to think of Dinah so. She deserves better than I. And help me to keep my promises. I do not want to bring her sorrow.”
This was said with such fervor that Grayson found himself almost convinced that his prayer had already been answered in some way. Mayhap Dinah would appear with the news that she had decided to permit Lord Irving’s attentions, meaning that his feelings would be pulled from him regardless. Or mayhap the gentleman seeking payment for his vowels would somehow forget the debts that were owed.
A knock at the door startled him, forcing him to sit up and gather up his vowels quickly before calling for the person to enter. Much to his astonishment, Dinah opened the door and looked at him, a small, hesitant smile on her lips as she drew near.
“Do come in, Dinah,” he said quickly, releasing the papers and pushing himself to his feet, a little too aware of the pain in his bad leg. It had not quite recovered since his beating a fortnight ago and seemed to be taking a good deal of time to return to its full strength, little as it was. “Are you all right?”
She nodded, her eyes holding something that he could not quite make out.
“Lord Irving has just left,” she told him, closing the door behind her and making his heart thump furiously at such an intimate action. There was nothing wrong with a cousin being in the same room as another, not when they lived under the same roof and had done
so for some time, but all the same, he could not help but react to the awareness that they were both very much alone together. “He wishes to dance with me this evening, at the ball.” Tipping her head just a little, she looked at him. “You are to attend, are you not?”
“The ball,” he said slowly, a little overcome by the beauty of her expression and trying desperately to remember what it was she was talking about. “I do not think that I–”
“Lord and Lady Millington,” she stated, quite calmly. “You thought you would be recovered enough by then to attend, did you not?” A slight flicker in her eyes alerted him to the fact that Dinah was somewhat anxious about this evening. “I would like it very much if you were present.”
He nodded at once, not wanting to refuse her. “But of course.” Coming around from his desk, he limped towards two chairs that were close to the hearth, where a small fire burned, given that it was not the warmest of summer days. “Come and tell me what it is that you fear, Dinah. You do not appear to be looking forward to this evening.”
A small, rueful laugh left her lips. “You do not think me ungrateful, I hope?” she asked him, her eyebrows lifting.
“No, indeed not,” he answered quickly, “but rather it is that–”
“And you know me well enough to know that I do not care for dancing or the like,” Dinah continued slowly, interrupting him but without the intention of being rude. “Lord Irving is being somewhat pressing, and I find that I struggle with his direct attentions. I do not wish to be courted by him—for I have no feelings for the gentleman whatsoever—and yet I feel obliged to do so for the sake of your mother.” Her eyes lifted to his, searching his expression. “I am quite miserable for I do not know what I ought to do, Whitehaven.”
“And yet I fear I cannot advise you,” he told her truthfully. “I have no wisdom with which to offer an opinion, Dinah, for I have very little experience of matters of the heart—save for being utterly wretched over the state of my own heart.” He shook his head and sighed, running one hand over his eyes simply so that he could block the sight of her intense gaze for a moment. “You must not think of what my mother wishes or what Lord Irving wants. You must look into your own heart and do as you think is right.”
