by Chelsea Roy
“I know you’ve thought about it too Ellie. What we might be like together. How good it could be when I’m not half drunk. And, hell, you know me. You’ve never asked for anything from me. You’re not going to pull shit on me. I…” Jack hesitated and took a deep, bracing breath. “I can’t be that person that I was with Macy ever again. That marriage proposal, it was a one-time deal. I’m never hanging myself out there again. I can’t do it. But with you, I know you don’t expect that from me. And I want to be with you.” Jack’s speech simultaneously electrified and hurt Ellie. Jack was right and wrong. Ellie wanted so much from him. However, she had long since resigned herself to never getting it.
Ellie’s heart squeezed tightly in her chest as she thought about what Jack was offering. Clearly any type of romance was off the table for Jack, which left only sex. He was interested in one thing only and the big question was whether or not Ellie could give that to him. Could she have a friends-with-benefits relationship with Jack? Maybe, if she knew it was exclusive. The idea of Jack with her one day and with another woman the next just completely turned her stomach. Ellie finally lifted her eyes to his and met him dead on.
“Will you come back to my apartment?” She asked him. She was quick to add, “I’ve moved. It’s just me now, in a one-bedroom. We could talk more about this there.” She wanted to dispel any reminders of Macy before they even got out. She watched as Jack’s eyes became impossibly blue and his chest rose and fell a little quicker.
“God yes,” he told her. His response to coming home with her made it seem like going to bed was the next logical step; and maybe it was. Ellie was completely naïve when it came to this kind of relationship.
The walk home was a blur. She and Jack didn’t talk much, both of them lost in their own thoughts. She thought about all the things they needed to iron out before Ellie committed to sleeping with him for more than one night. Once they arrived to her second-floor apartment, Ellie fumbled with her keys until Jack took them from her shaking fingers. “Relax Els!” He teased her, but his own hands took two tries to get the door unlocked. He pressed a hot kiss against her neck before swinging open her apartment door. If Ellie hadn’t already been on the verge of an arousal meltdown, Jack’s kiss would have put her there.
They both barely made it inside her door before she kissed him, placing every bit of her desire for him into the act. Jack had swiftly taken over and any plans Ellie had to talk to him about boundaries were blown away.
Ellie snapped out of her reverie and looked around. She still sat in her darkened car, the damp trails caused by her tears making her cheeks cold to the touch. She used her fingers to wipe down her face and took a deep breath. She gave a chuffing laugh at her own stupidity in walking down memory lane. That day, there had been no further discussion about the nature of their relationship or what kind of boundaries would exist. Ellie hadn’t processed a single coherent thought once Jack was in her home. She’d kissed him and that was all it took to start their friends-with-benefits relationship. She couldn’t even blame Jack for railroading her because, once again, she had been the driving force.
Jack had spent all afternoon and that night with her. He had been insatiable, taking her body over and over. Ellie had learned that night just how talented Jack was with his lips, his tongue, his everything. He’d been relentless and she’d been exhausted the next day. Her body was so over-sensitized she’d worn loose sweats to school, something she never did. Her body had eventually become accustomed to Jack, but it had taken some time to get there. Ellie sighed as she grabbed her purse and got out of her car. Her heart ached and she walked to her front door slowly, like an old and achy woman. There were so many memories with Jack she didn’t know how to cope with them sometimes. But she had to face the fact that the Jack Tate chapter of her life was closed and she needed to figure out how to move on.
TWO
“And that was ‘Time Goes’ by Destruction. It’s topped the charts and already held steady up there for several weeks now.” The DJ continued on about the general long-term success of the rock band Destruction and heavily praised their most current song but Ellie tuned the words out. She knew all about Destruction’s success because she’d been following the band for years. Hell, she had been around the band during its inception. She knew all of the band members, probably a little bit too well. She had intimate knowledge of their lead singer. The rock band and singer her old roommate Macy had dismissed so easily while leaving had turned out to be one of the greatest bands of the last decade. Ellie had been right in her initial assessment. Once Jack hit, he hit big. Destruction had produced hit after hit and had a huge fan base that adored them. Ellie included.
Ellie’s heart ached sharply at the thought of Jack and everything he had achieved with his band Destruction. On one hand, she was so proud of him for making his dreams a reality. On the other hand, she was pissed at him for completely crushing all of hers. She hadn’t seen him or talked to him since she had hung up on him and that had been months ago. It seemed that she had convinced Jack she was with another man and he hadn’t called her again. Her birthday had even come and gone without a word from him and if that didn’t solidify their split, she didn’t know what did.
In eleven years Ellie had never gone so long without seeing Jack. But that was about to change. Destruction was returning to their hometown, her hometown of San Diego, for a huge concert. And that concert was tonight. Ellie had bought her floor seats during a fan pre-sale, making sure she was as front and center of the stage as she could be. She refused to miss their hometown performance and a chance to see Jack in his element. A tingle went through Ellie at the thought of seeing him again. She knew she was a glutton for punishment, but she had to go. She missed him so badly and that feeling hadn’t diminished at all in the past few months. Knowing he was in the same city as her was killing her. And, in moments where she was completely honest with herself, this was the only way she could see Jack and stay safe. The benefit of seeing him at the concert was that she could look her fill without him knowing she was there and without having to deal with all the history between them.
Ellie sat back from her computer and considered her life. She worked at a large aeronautics company in a mid-management position that paid her too much money for what she did. She didn’t mind the work even if it was just the tiniest bit boring. The upside was that she made enough money to own a nice car and a cute little condo and was actually able to take the time to enjoy them. She had several friends who worked for companies that drove their employees to the brink of madness while paying them peanuts for the work they produced.
Ellie was proud of the fact that she managed to drag herself to the gym several times each week even though she hated it. In her mind, it was definitely a necessary evil but she knew she looked better for her efforts. She was a decent runner and that kept her muscles long and lean. None of that really seemed to matter, though, because Ellie was still alone. She had watched many of her friends get married off and several even already had babies. Ellie was thirty-two and had nothing other than material things to show for the passage of time. And despite ending her unhealthy relationship with Jack, she still had a burning obsession with him.
Ellie hated rehashing the past because when she did, she always cringed at her own stupidity. When she and Jack first entered into their relationship, she had been a naïve twenty year old girl who thought she had the power to change the man she loved. She had been so sure that once he’d gotten over Macy he’d realize how good they were together. It was because of this that she had kept holding out for Jack to settle down and realize he couldn’t live without her. Their friendship had remained strong and he often relied on her as a sounding board for his crazy ideas. Over time Ellie realized he needed her, just not in the same way she needed him.
As the years had slipped by, Jack had come and gone from her life a number of times. He always had the decency to break things off with her before he’d go on one of what she thought of as his rock st
ar binges. She knew he’d been with dozens of women during their separations but she couldn’t ever say he’d lied to her about what he’d done. He was always brutally honest about the fact that he wanted to take advantage of the perks that came with success of his band. Ellie had promised herself from the beginning of their relationship that she would never reveal to Jack she remained faithful to him. She realized how pathetic this made her seem and so was able to keep this from everyone except her best friend Regan. She never wanted to give Jack the knowledge she was completely devoted to him. Jack would have seen that as a commitment on her part and things would have been over long ago.
Each time Jack broke things off, he made his way back to Ellie after getting tired of screwing his way through nameless women. Each time Jack returned, he never made any promises about the future, and apologized for being an ass. He would tell her how much he missed their friendship. Ellie despised herself for being so weak she continued to allow him back into her life. The truth was, when he was gone she missed his friendship too.
This time was different, though. It seemed like Jack was really gone from her life for good. Unfortunately, her heart hadn’t received the memo that she and Jack were over and it ached for him daily. She knew it was completely unhealthy to go to his concert and drive herself crazy with “what if’s”. Jack was her own sick addiction that she couldn’t seem to kick.
She picked up her office phone and dialed Regan’s number.
“The only reason you call me during the middle of the day is to mope,” Regan said when she picked up her phone. Ellie laughed.
“You think you know me so well.” Ellie joked lightly and smiled when Regan laughed.
“Don’t even get me started.” She said. “What’s up?” Ellie didn’t bother bullshitting Regan. There was no purpose to it.
“Their song was just on. I was thinking about Jack. Thinking about his show tonight. I’m scared of my reaction when I see him.” Ellie confessed. The smile dropped from her lips and she tapped her fingers nervously on her desk.
“You know it’s about you,” Regan told her grimly. Ellie sighed loudly into the phone. Regan had harped on this point beginning the day the song was released. “You can tell he regrets what happened between you two. Hell, it sounds like he regrets how it went down from day one.”
Ellie knew what Regan said was true. Time Goes had been released just a couple of months after she had her final conversation with Jack. In his newest song, he sang of desperation to turn back the clock; to repair damage. He sang of his frustration at not being able to do so and of ruining lives. The entire song was one big apology that Ellie was aimed at her. Ellie knew the song was a ploy by Jack to get her to contact him. It had nearly worked a half dozen times, too. Each time she heard the song she was desperate to see him and heartbroken all over again. She resolved to herself she wouldn’t give in to Jack’s games and had succeeded so far but maintaining the distance came with a price. “Time Goes” was a song that was entirely fitting for a band named “Destruction” because it was destroying her piece by piece.
“I know.” Ellie finally agreed softly. It had been nearly eight months since her last gut-wrenching conversation with Jack. In those months, Ellie had carefully avoided any mention of entertainment news. She didn’t want to hear about which actress Jack was screwing or how drunk he’d gotten at some dive bar. Ellie knew she had effectively ended their relationship with her lies, that she could have Jack back if she wished and it was her keeping them apart. The fact that it was her keeping things the way they were didn’t mean she was in any shape to hear about his many exploits or the status of his love life.
“Are you going to do anything about it?” Regan asked her calmly. “I know this separation has been killing you and he’s never released a song for you before. Maybe things are different this time.” Regan’s words were nothing Ellie hadn’t thought a million times over.
“I feel bad for lying to Jack during our last call.” She admitted to Regan. Ellie had never been a liar. She had always been brutally honest with Jack and it was one of the facets of their relationship that had drawn him back to her time and time again. He claimed there was nobody in his life that he trusted as much as he trusted her. It was his trust in her that explained why he bought her story about having another man in her life. Jack had no reason to ever suspect Ellie of lying to him.
“Will you be okay to go tonight?” Regan asked her. Ellie loved Regan for her concern. Regan had been with her on several occasions when Ellie had fallen apart over the loss of her relationship with Jack. Regan was the perfect friend because she neither bashed Jack nor sided with him. She simply listened to Ellie without judgment and offered rational advice where she could. Ellie blew out a deep breath as she gave serious thought to Regan’s question. Could she handle seeing Jack without melting down?
“Yes.” Her voice sounded much less confident than she would have liked. “I can handle it. Besides, there will be thousands of people there. I’ll just be one of many.” Ellie said somewhat bitterly. “Besides, it’s not like he’ll know I’m there or be able to see me.” God help them all if he figured out Ellie was in the crowd. She didn’t know how much more battering her resistance could take.
THREE
Jack spotted Ellie on the floor halfway through his third song. He had instinctively known that she would be at the concert even though she’d ended things with him and was with some other dude. Knowing her as well as he did, he knew she would be toward the front of the crowd and started looking for her the minute he stepped on stage. Ellie never missed a chance to see him when he came through town. Shit, it wasn’t just him that she came to see. She had always supported the entire band and he knew they meant almost as much to her as he once had. It was ridiculous, but knowing she would be at the concert had made him nervous. He hadn’t had stage fright in years, if ever really, and it figured that it was a woman twisting his guts in knots.
Once Jack spotted her, his eyes swung to either side of her, looking for her man. He dreaded putting a face with the nameless fucker who was with his woman but he needed to size up the competition. The only person he saw with Ellie was her best friend Regan. He couldn’t help the relief that swept through him realizing Ellie hadn’t brought her boyfriend with her. He supposed it would be bad form to bring your boyfriend to the rock concert of the man who you’d slept with for years and Ellie would never do something that crass. It also occurred to Jack maybe the dude didn’t even know about him or about his past with Ellie. For some reason this thought was even worse than seeing them together. Thinking that Ellie may have just dismissed him from her life entirely caused a sharp ache in his chest.
Jack trained his eyes on Ellie. He knew the exact moment she realized she’d been spotted. Unashamed, he sang to her. He sang every fucking song to Ellie, pouring his heart out to her in the only way he could. Ellie’s eyes were trained on him and she wasn’t moving and screaming like the fans around her. Jack could tell she knew he was singing to her. It was pointless to pretend he was unaffected by her and whether she knew it or not, every single song from Destruction’s new album were for her. About her. They were Jack’s attempt to apologize to her for how shitty he’d been to her over the last decade. The songs told her how much he hated who he’d become, how sorry he was he couldn’t have been something different for her. In his heart, he knew his apology was too late and the changes he’d made in his life after their last phone call had come too little, too late.
The band took a quick break between songs and Jack wiped the sweat off his face with a towel. He was so fucking tired of everything. Performing for adoring fans had lost its appeal because at the end of the day, everyone wanted something from him. Even Ellie wanted something; although what she wanted was Jack himself and not the material things he could give her or the fame that surrounded him. Jack was tired of it all and didn’t want to give anyone a damn thing anymore. He was feeling especially selfish tonight and he wanted to take from Ellie as much as
she was willing to give him. He had a gut feeling this would be the last time he ever saw Ellie and he couldn’t let go.
“Dude, you’re off tonight,” his bandmate, Brent, said as he slapped Jack on the back. Jack nodded his head, hating that Brent was right.
“Ellie’s in the crowd with Regan. I was worried she’d bring that asshole boyfriend with her.” Jack wouldn’t share his fears with many, but Brent was good at keeping things under wraps. Jack hoped like hell that since Ellie was with Regan she was free from her man for the night. Jack knew Ellie was a faithful person to her core, but he also knew their long history would make it impossible for her to say no to him. He felt a stab of remorse at the position he planned to put Ellie in, but he never denied the fact that he was a selfish bastard. When it came to Ellie, he’d never been anything but selfish and no matter how much he wanted to pretend, tonight was no different. Even though he’d made some really positive changes in his life, he planned to use whatever it took to get Ellie in his arms again.
“Get it together, man.” Brent told him seriously, before moving away to take down some water. Jack planned to. Before he could think twice about it and before his conscience could kick in, Jack pulled his cell phone out from his jeans pocket and sent Ellie a text.
“U look beautiful. C me after. I’ll wait for u.”
He hoped like hell he was right about her inability to say no to him because the truth was he’d realized he would wait forever for his Ellie. If only she would let him in this one last time, he could show her just how different he was.
Ellie felt the vibration of her phone in her jeans pocket. She had known this moment was coming as soon as Jack spotted her in the crowd.
