by Hettie Ivers
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I was on autopilot, barely conscious of what I was doing or where I was going as my bare feet carried me from my bedroom, flying down the stairs and straight to the front door, my fingers shaking as I fumbled with bolts and locks. But just as I twisted the doorknob and began to pull it open, a large, masculine hand pressed flat against the door above my head, shutting it again with a thud, causing me to jump and shriek.
“Shh—it’s okay,” Alcaeus’ familiar bass reassured me as his other hand fell upon my shoulder. “Where are you going, Milena?”
Fuck. Where was I going?
“You’re crying,” Alcaeus noted the obvious. “What happened?”
I shook my head, refusing to turn around and face him. I couldn’t talk about it. And I didn’t trust my voice. Alex howled on the other side of the door. He was so close.
“Alex?” Alcaeus sounded surprised, maybe slightly amused. “You were going to see Alex?”
I shrugged noncommittally; then sniffled loudly to the wooden door directly in front of me, my cheeks flushing as I felt the dam breaking, the avalanche of tears I was just barely holding in threatening to fall.
“Okay,” he agreed softly, lifting his palm from the door. “But wait on the porch a sec. I’ll grab you a blanket.”
Alcaeus disappeared behind me and I forced myself to take several calming breaths before opening the door to the sound of paws falling gracefully across the wooden porch slats in my direction. But the moment I stepped out onto the porch and laid eyes on my wolf, the second his undiluted scent overcame me, I lost it. I just fell apart.
Though I couldn’t see straight through the sudden tide of tears, I saw well enough to realize the instant Alex shifted from a black and grey wolf into a naked, and very concerned man rushing toward me.
“What happened? Who hurt you?”
I squawked and covered my eyes, spinning on my heel and bolting back in the direction of the front door.
“Nothing! Never mind … sorry … forget it …” I managed to get out before colliding face first into Alcaeus’ chest as he materialized in the doorway.
“What? Did Alex screw things up already?” Alcaeus was lugging way more than just a blanket under his arm as he pressed forward, backing me up onto the porch again. In addition to blankets, it looked like he also had a pillow and some sort of rolled up sleeping bag or pallet.
“What happened, Al?” Alex demanded from directly behind me. I felt his breath at my crown, his body heat warming the length of me through my thin cotton pajama shirt and pants. His naked body.
“Don’t know,” Alcaeus replied, his own heat warming my front.
I was suddenly too warm in my long sleeved pj’s.
“I only know she wanted to see you. But … probably not your penis.”
“Oh. Right. Fuck. Don’t go anywhere, please? I’ll put pants on,” Alex told my back.
“No, don’t!” I heard myself blurt in protest, followed by the sound of Alex’s quick, agile feet halting so instantaneously in their tracks to my left on the porch that it almost sounded like he’d tripped over them. I could have smacked myself.
Alcaeus cleared his throat behind his fist, trying to mask his laughter as he eyed me with avid curiosity.
“I mean …” I shook my head and released a shakier breath. “What I meant … was … I just … I wanted … to talk to … wanted … to see …” Dear God, did I have to string each fucking word out? Why was it so hard to say?
“His wolf?” Alcaeus accurately deduced.
“Y-yeah …” I admitted, wiping at my wet face and wincing awkwardly up at him, silently asking if mine was a totally weird and ridiculous request. I was so far beyond determining what normal was anymore.
His understanding smile and the sound of paws padding softly back over to me provided the reassurance I needed.
We walked a short distance into the woods behind Alcaeus’ home, Alex’s black and grey wolf leading the way. When his wolf stopped at a little clearing, Alcaeus wordlessly spread out the bedding he’d brought for me. But as realization dawned Alcaeus truly intended to leave me all alone in the dark woods with Alex’s enormous wolf, a moment of trepidation gripped me.
“His wolf would never hurt you,” Alcaeus’ low, calming voice reminded me. “You do know that, right?” His eyes appraised mine, seeking their own confirmation.
I nodded, just as the black and grey wolf’s warm, furry body brushed up against me from behind, his snout lowering to grazing against my forearm as he made that purring-growl sound deep in his chest. Instinctively, I turned my wrist, giving him access to lick and sniff my palm.
“Bring her back by dawn,” Alcaeus issued the directive to my canine companion, who immediately snarled in indignation. “I mean it, Alex.”
The wolf bared his teeth at his older brother, prompting Alcaeus to roll his eyes and fire off a few more select words at him in Portuguese as he took his leave.
I was slightly apprehensive once again as I stood watching Alcaeus’ form disappear through the trees. But then the black and grey wolf began casually circling me, his lithe, powerful body brushing up against me with every pass until I began to feel dizzy, his scent making my mind hazy, my body warm and heavy. I swayed on my bare feet and shuffled over the leaf litter whenever he’d press up against me a little more forcefully. And then I lost my balance altogether and toppled over when the crown of his head gently butted into my hip.
It was a soft landing, as I found myself sprawled out on the bedding. Oh. I realized he’d been gently corralling me more so than idly circling me. His eyes glowed brightly down at me through the darkness, at once soothing and unsettling. I stared blankly at him, unsure of what to say or do next.
He sat on his hindquarters, appearing as if he was patiently waiting for me to make the next move. But I hadn’t thought things this far through when I’d awoken distraught from my dream confrontation with Raul, seized by a mad desperation to be near Alex’s wolf.
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head in apology. “I don’t … I don’t know what I want … why I’m here …”
He cocked his head a fraction.
“I was just upset … and confused. I … I had a bad dream and … I just … I guess I thought I’d feel better if you …”
If he what? What did I actually want from him?
“I’m sorry,” I repeated stupidly, fiddling with the hem of my pajama shirt. “I don’t even know what I want.” Or who I am anymore.
“I had a little nightmare.” I tried to minimize and dismiss the situation. “And I panicked. I’m sorry for waking you and Alcaeus up. Maybe I should … go back to the house?”
I glanced up to gauge his reaction. He was still as a statue, those feral, intense eyes looking straight through me. For a second I wondered if he was even listening to me. If so, was he bored? But then I recognized his seeming non-reaction for what it was. He was calling my bluff. His was a look that said he knew I was full of shit, and he was waiting for me to tell him what was really wrong.
Deep inside I found I wanted to tell him. Because I was scared. Terrified. And I doubted I would sleep even a wink now without suffering nightmares featuring those all too penetrating, cerulean wolf eyes. But I knew I couldn’t trust him with the whole truth. Not without betraying my brother.
My brother. My God, what was going to happen to him? How in the world was I going to save him from Gabriel and the Salvatella pack?
My eyes abruptly flooded at the thought of what I was up against, of all that I stood to lose, and a moment later I was sobbing unrestrainedly. And then I was on my back on the blankets with Alex’s wolf hovering overtop of me, nuzzling my neck and licking my tear-streaked face. My fingers buried in his thick coat and I pulled him closer, snuggling into his warmth as great hiccupping, gasping sobs racked through me.
“I’m scared,” I wept brokenly into his fur. “I can’t … I can’t lose him. He’s all I have left. I won’t survive it if I lose him.”
And that
was the truth. I couldn’t lose Raul. I knew it would break me.
Whether he understood what I meant, or that I was talking about Raul at that point, I swore I could feel his understanding of my fear as he snuffled and whined somberly over me.
He ended up on the bedding next to me; probably concerned I’d wind up pulling him on top of me with all of my spastic, desperate yanking at his fur, and inadvertently crush myself if he didn’t. I curled into him on my side, burying my face in his neck as his behemoth body curved protectively around my frame. He was so warm and soft.
“I won’t give up on him,” I sobbed stubbornly, a new measure of hysteria setting in. “I won’t let him go! I don’t care if he’s changed. He’s still my brother. I won’t ever stop loving him.”
His hot breath fanned the back of my neck, blowing heat and comfort down my spine through the collar of my pajama shirt. His scent wrapped itself around me, seeming to penetrate my very pores, soothing my profound terror, and I wondered again how I’d ever managed to survive my whole life without knowing his scent.
“My mom, she died of brain cancer,” I confided to his fur, as if he didn’t know that fact already. “It happened so fast. And she changed so much. Cancer can alter personality when it’s in the brain like that. And I hated it … hated seeing her ever-increasing confusion, watching her change into someone I hardly recognized.”
It was shockingly easy to talk to Alex’s wolf. He simply listened, nuzzling my neck encouragingly as he blanketed me with his soothing scent.
“At first I tried to tell myself that maybe it would make it easier,” I sniffled. “You know … if I separated her in my mind and heart as two different moms. Mom and cancer brain mom.” I shook my head. “I thought somehow then I would be able to let go of her long before her body gave out, knowing that she wouldn’t be the same mom in the end.”
I paused as a great shuddering sob overtook me. “But it didn’t work that way. Because even though she wasn’t the same mom in the end, I still loved her just as much—maybe more. And it won’t be any different with Raul. Even if he did willingly go to Gabriel … even if he’s changed, it won’t alter how I feel. It won’t make it any easier to let him go.”
I would not let Raul go. I repeated it in my head like a mantra as I burrowed further into the sheltered embrace of Alex’s wolf. I found I couldn’t get close enough to him. Couldn’t rub enough of his scent on me as I wound my arms around his neck and soaked his pelt with my tears and snot.
And he let me. Allowed me to strangle him in a frantic, four-limbed hug like a Great Dane might submit to a clinging child. He seemed only too happy to accommodate me, in fact; that deep, subtly audible purring sound reverberated through his cavernous chest, lulling me into the idyllic sanctum of safety that existed only with him.
It was a while before I’d fully exhausted my muscles and my tear ducts. I sagged against his canine form, fighting off the call of sleep as he lapped up the last traces of my tears. And in the fragile, fleeting space between sleep and wakefulness, I let myself pretend as I combed my fingers through his fur. Pretend that he was mine; that I could keep him.
I partially awoke sometime later to the quiet night noises of the forest, to the sensation of warm, smooth skin stretched over hard muscle sliding beneath my exploring fingertips, and to the alluring scent of all that I’d always wanted, but had never known, surrounding me.
I sighed contentedly, lazily attempting to shift position only to find myself immobilized by the huge limbs entangled with mine atop a bed of earth and blankets. My fuzzy sleep brain was already beginning to register that something was awry when a masculine groan unequivocally cinched it. A large, hot palm and firm, long fingers latched onto my hip, branding me through the fabric of my pj’s.
I stiffened, a strangled cry caught in my throat. My eyes opened to a densely muscled, bare shoulder and chest staring straight back at me through the pitch-black night. I’d fallen asleep wrapped up with my cuddly, pretend wolf-puppy who would never harm me. But I’d awakened to the intimidating enigma that was Alex.
Naked Alex. Smelling of home and heaven. And sex.
Just as panic was starting to set in, he hushed me with a kiss to my forehead. The hand affixed to my hip slid up my lower back as his arm tightened around my waist. His opposite arm slid between us, his palm settling over my fluttering heart atop my pajama shirt. “Safe,” he murmured, his deep voice thick with sleep. “Promise.”
And just like that, my racing heart calmed. My body relaxed, my breathing evened out. As I was floating off to sleep I felt his lips mumble something else against my forehead. It sounded like simple or … simper. Or sempre? I emitted a groggy, questioning moan.
“Always,” he breathed in translation, pressing another kiss to my head.
CHAPTER TWELVE
I awoke early the next morning in Alessandra’s arms as she carried me back to Alcaeus’ house. Alex was nowhere in sight, and Alessandra informed me Alcaeus had already packed a bag and headed to the main house, intending to stay away from me for a few days. Apparently overnight I’d really begun to reek of fertile she-wolf or whatever the fuck Dr. Bianca had said this blasted heat cycle was supposed to do to cause the unmated male wolves around me to abandon their minds in favor of their lesser organs.
Even though I wasn’t fully turned, Bianca had predicted my first heat cycle would be intense regardless due to my status as the pack Alpha’s chosen—although as yet unclaimed—mate, not to mention the fact that I had powerful ancient Alpha blood in my system. Throw in a prophecy about a vessel, and according to Bianca I was a lock for the most coveted breeding bitch in the whole werelock community right now. Just what my mother would’ve wanted for me in life.
I remained more than a little freaked out over the events of the night before, but I found myself with limited time to dwell on it, because by midmorning my mind was already dominated entirely by thoughts of sex. By lunchtime I’d gone through three pairs of underwear already, and was well on my way to feeling like some kind of sexual basket case.
Alessandra left the house after lunch to check on Alex. Bianca and Kai took turns checking on me. Kai performed my blood draws and charted my temperature changes. Bianca collected urine and cervical mucus samples and also supplied me with a selection of vibrators and new panties.
When Bianca had the audacity to insinuate I’d ultimately only be able to find true relief with my mate, it was on the tip of my tongue to tell her a sexy lab coat and reading glasses didn’t make her a real doctor. Somehow I found the wherewithal to hold back, determining that I would simply prove her wrong instead. There was a part of me that feared she was right though. Mostly because I knew the she-wolf part of me agreed with her and was lobbying hard for contact with Alex.
I decided to take a long nap that afternoon to avoid my sexual frustration, and also so that I would be able to stay awake later that night. Gabriel had gotten past Alcaeus’ shield, and I was terrified of him accessing me in my dream state again. I’d convinced myself somehow I could trick him by sleeping during the day, when he was less likely to assume I’d be asleep and attempt entry.
In truth I didn’t know jack shit about how it all worked, and my half-baked theory was likely idiotic, but I was too scared and in too much denial to talk to Kai about it. Gabriel fears aside, I was mad desperate to keep Raul out of my head as well, as long as I was suffering this sexual plague known as a heat cycle.
The daytime nap didn’t help much, because I only dreamt of sex. And staying awake all night also proved miserable, because I swore I could hear sounds of sex everywhere throughout the night. I didn’t know if it was just my sex-depraved imagination, but it sounded like werelocks were having sex everywhere in the woods around Alcaeus’ house, and I thought I could also hear them fornicating all the way back in the gardens surrounding Alex’s home as well.
Bianca had advised that my arousal would likely make the entire pack horny as long as Alex’s “needs” remained unsatisfied, and t
hat Alex would remain on edge as long as I remained unsatisfied. I readily sensed Alex’s sexual frustration, and the constant pull I felt toward him was unbearable. Knowing he was so close, still sleeping outside, wasn’t helping.
It also didn’t help that he’d been so sweet the last time I’d seen him, or that he’d smelled so damn good. The memory of his voice, how he’d assured me that I was safe, and the way he’d said “Always” replayed again and again in my mind, haunting me.
I knew it was silly and stupid. Because what did that signify anyway? Always was just another meaningless word, like “forever.” Something people tossed around but didn’t mean, and had no right to promise. And it didn’t matter anyway, because I knew I could never go to Alex for relief now.
He couldn’t be mine. My brother would never understand. And he would never forgive me.
And so it was by the evening of the second day enduring this insufferable sexual affliction, after Kai had drawn my blood and was washing his hands in my bathroom, that I found myself following after him, my legs mindlessly carrying me. Before I realized what I was even doing, I’d cornered him, shutting the door to the loo behind me and openly propositioning him—for casual, no strings sex.
“Milena,” he rasped, “I … can’t.”
“Sure you can.”
“No. I can’t.”
I frowned my disappointment. “Is it just because Alex will kill you?”
“Uh … um … hmm …”—he squinted in consternation, scrunching his nose up in the process in a way that was thoroughly adorable—“yeah … in part that is a bit of a deterrent. But aside from Alex torturing and killing me painfully, I simply … can’t, Milena.”
“Please?” I begged. “You’d be doing me a huge, huge favor. Please?”
“I’m sorry …”—he shook his head—“but … it’s just … no.”
“But I’m going out of my mind,” I griped, stomping my bare foot on the tile floor. “All I think about is sex, sex, and more sex. Constantly!” I lamented. “And no matter how many times I masturbate, it doesn’t seem to help. It makes no sense! The vibrators aren’t doing it for me either. If anything, I’m starting to think maybe all the damn masturbation is just making it worse.”
