"Benito. Did you make that appointment with the..."
"Ma. I got a friend in the car. I'll make the appointment. Been busy with baseball."
"I know, Benito, but you need that scan. I can call..."
"Ma. I promise I'll call. 'Kay? Right now I'm heading to Johnny's. I'll call Monday."
"Okay, Benny. Say hi to Johnny."
"Will do, Ma. Love you."
"Love you, Benito."
"Sorry about that," he says to me. "So...what about you? Are you going back? To school?"
I don't respond immediately. I would be graduating in June if I didn't miss this semester. "I don't know. Your mom sounds nice."
"Thanks. Overbearing, but nice. You're a senior, right?"
"Yeah. I love her accent."
"Yeah. Thank God I don't have it though. So you can always finish online if you're not up to going back."
"Yeah." I didn't really think of that.
"At least you have options, right?"
"I guess." I contemplate this. Options. Do I finish online even though I'll be working my dad's farm for the rest of my life? Is that really an option? Seems like a waste of more money to me. "You have a best friend or anything?" Lame question, but I have to get off the subject of me.
"I got my team, but they're not really what you'd consider best friends. More like buddies. I like talking with Johnny. And of course Holly. She's cool. I never had a girl as just a friend before."
"Yeah. Holly is cool. But she's my best friend, Falco. No stealing."
"Right. I'd never do that." He holds up two fingers. "Scouts' honor."
"You were a boy scout?"
He laughs. Really hard. "No way. But isn't that what you're supposed to say when you're telling the truth?"
"Or 'cross my heart, hope to die,' but I like 'scouts' honor' better.
"Okay," he says. "Now I gotta pay attention. I've never gone to Johnny's from this way."
"You got it on GPS?"
"No."
"Falco, Falco, Falco," I tease, hoping he doesn't see that I'm really a bundle of nerves. That sitting so close to him for this long, just the two of us, is making me feel all sorts of tingles and nervous energy.
24
BEN
"Well, Duncan, why don't you take my phone right there and open the map app and help me?" he jokes.
I take the phone out of its holder and laugh. He gives me the address and I punch it in.
"Oh. We're close. Two more blocks make a right and then...a left onto Washington Place."
"Thanks."
When we pull up to the small crowded cape, the first things I notice are a makeshift wheelchair ramp and a gutter filled with old leaves.
"What a cute house," Rose says as I turn off the engine.
"Yeah."
Rose hasn't quite gotten out of the car when I reach the other side.
"You okay?" I ask, wondering if her legs still hurt from her walk.
"No, no. I'm fine. Just slow moving. I am a little nervous though."
"Don't be. He's happy to have you here."
"You told him."
"Oh yeah. I never wanna show up unexpected."
His mother answers the door, runs us through the sanitizing routine, and brings us to his room in the back. "Isaiah is with him now, but they're done with therapy."
"We can wait," Rose suggests.
"Nonsense. Isaiah's great. He won't mind at all."
"But Johnny?"
"No. Johnny won't mind either. He's coughing a lot again, so just keep a little distance. With his oxygen, he doesn't really cough, but he's stubborn and won't use it while you're here."
"Oh."
"His lungs struggle, but he's okay."
"If it's a bad time..." I start to say, but she stops me.
"Please," she says almost desperately. "He needs to see you."
"Of course."
Johnny is staring out the window while his therapist sits ankle over knee on a recliner.
"Dude. Is that how you greet your guests?"
He spins his chair around and smiles when he sees us. "Wow, Rose." His greeting is interrupted by his cough. "You look amazing."
"Oh, thank you, Johnny. I'd kiss you, but your mom said..."
"Don't listen to my mother, she's just protective." Johnny wheels himself over and Rose kisses him on the cheek.
"Hi. I'm Ben."
"Isaiah."
I sit on the couch alongside the wall. "How's it goin', John?"
A couple coughs later, "Not bad. You meet Isaiah?"
"Yeah."
"Hi," Rose and Isaiah say to each other.
"These are my friends Ben and Rose."
Isaiah nods.
"So, Rose," Johnny coughs. "How's recovery going? You're walking so well." Johnny's tone almost sounds as if his sentiment isn't genuine.
The slight drop in Rose's shoulders as she sits confirms she recognizes it too.
"Recovery's going okay," Rose answers. "What about you?"
"Eh. You know."
"He's doing wonderfully," Isaiah says. "Had some movement in his fingers."
"Really? Dude, that's excellent."
"Yeah. Look what I can do." The middle finger on Johnny's right hand slowly rises off his hand pad.
"Nice," I say before flipping him off and cracking up.
Rose looks like she doesn't know how to react.
The tension has lifted and Isaiah excuses himself, informing Johnny he'll be in the next room.
"Does he stay with you?" I ask. "Is he your PT or is he a nurse?"
"Both. He's my nurse, but he does therapy with me too."
"He lives here?"
"No. I think Mom wishes he could though."
"She could use the help?"
"That. And I think she likes him."
"That bother you?"
"Nah. I mean, she needs somebody to take out the garbage." He laughs. Again, Rose isn't getting Johnny's humor. Not that I think he's laughing on the inside though.
"Don't be so quiet, Rose. What's going on?"
"Not much. I hang home most of the time." She pauses. "Actually, all of the time."
"You don't go out."
"No. To the butcher and back, that's about it."
"The butcher? You like meat that much?"
This gets her laughing.
"Get this," I say. "Her family eats their pets."
"Oh my God, we do not. We don't, Johnny, he's just..." She elbows me.
"Do you or do you not own your animals?" I joke.
"Stop." She laughs.
"Do you or do you not kill these animals and cook them?"
"Shit," Johnny says.
"Johnny, my father's business is raising livestock for the local butchers, restaurants, and markets. It's an organic farm and we don't eat our pets."
Johnny cracks up. His laugh is accompanied by hacking coughs, but if he could throw his head back in laughter, he would.
The joking continues until finally Johnny says, "So, Rose, what the hell you doin' staying on the farm? Ben says you're a senior. Don't you want to graduate?"
Rose looks at me.
"Hey, we're friends, we talk," I say, explaining why Rose came up in my conversation with Johnny.
"I don't know," she tells him.
"You afraid of what people will say?"
She shrugs. "Maybe."
"I'm afraid too."
"You are?"
"But you don't let that hold you back, right, man?" I ask.
"No. I don't let what people think hold me back. I let my own noodle legs do that."
"That...Hmmm." Johnny's different. "I was telling Rose how you're gonna be the next Stephen Hawking. Gonna make millions for your mom, right?"
Johnny's silent for once in his life. Then he starts coughing. When he doesn't stop, I get up and locate the tubes that weren't attached to his chair last time I was here.
"How's this thing work, dude?"
"I don't need the oxygen, Ben."
"Won't it help your cough?"
"I don't really give a fuck," he says between hacks.
"Dude, what's going on? Do you not like Isaiah hanging around?"
"I love Isaiah hanging around. My mother needs him."
"He's your nurse."
"But he's a man. Who happens to laugh at all my mother's lame-ass jokes."
"What's the problem, then?"
"I'm tired. Rose, you got two working legs. You may not have been born with one of them, but they work. Get the fuck off the farm."
Rose writhes in her seat and nods.
"Don't give up, dude," I tell him. "You sound like you're giving up."
"Don't worry. I'll still be here next week, next year, a decade from now...if God doesn't quit this cruel joke of His."
I look at Rose, uncomfortable now. Bringing her here was a mistake. Maybe Johnny just needed me here today.
"Hey, bud. Why don't I bring Rose home and come back?" I look at Rose, who is nodding in agreement.
"No. No. I'm sorry. It's..." He can't finish this time, because his coughing gets out of hand, so I go grab Isaiah and bring him back.
"John. I knew this would happen. I shouldn't have allowed you to take it out."
Isaiah turns on the machine and sticks the tubes up Johnny's nose.
Rose walks over to Johnny and sits on the coffee table in front of him. "It's getting to you," she acknowledges.
He blinks.
"Your life's not what you'd planned. It's like someone slipped the rug out from under you."
"Yeah. And now I have no way of getting up."
"You say my legs work, but I feel the same exact way as you do. I had plans. Now I don't."
"Rose. Make new plans. I get it. You were a dancer, right? Well...now you can't dance. But you can live. You can sit, you can stand. You know what? I can stand too. Watch this."
Johnny maneuvers the mouth tube on his chair with his tongue and he slowly rises. His chair stops when it reaches full height and he's nearly in standing position. "I can fucking stand. How 'bout that? Now what can I fucking do with that?"
Rose drops her head.
Johnny comes back down. "I'm sorry, Rose. It beat me. I was trying, you know, for my mother's sake."
For the first time ever, I see Johnny cry. It doesn't take long for Rose to follow.
"What made you...so happy before? If you don't mind my asking."
"Hope."
"You don't have it anymore?" she asks.
After some heavy inhales, he says, "I can't even flip a decent bird. Chances are I won't get much movement past my fingertips."
"What about the whole Stephen Hawking thing and your hi-tech computer?" I ask.
"Mom needs somebody to pay the bills."
"And?"
"Maybe Isaiah will take that place," he says seriously. I realize his garbage comment was not a joke at all.
"So what? You just sit here 'til the end of time? How's that any better?" Now I'm mad.
"I can’t even play my fucking video games. They set me up with this thing—” he looks down at some square thing on his chair “—but I gotta fuckin’ blow into it to make moves, and it’s so fucking slow it’s lame. Maybe I'll just write movie reviews. All I do is watch movies all the damn time."
"Then write fucking movie reviews. Don't just sit here and give up."
"Easy for a two-legged, perfectly capable baseball player to say."
"Okay," Rose chimes in. "Let's not do this, please."
"I'm sorry, Rose," Johnny tells her.
"Yeah. Sorry," I repeat. "Johnny, let me bring Rose home and you and I can hang out. Can I crash on your couch tonight?"
"Really?"
"Yeah."
About fifteen minutes later, Rose and I are in my car pulling away from the curb.
"I'm really sorry about canceling our date tonight, Rose. I just think he really needs a friend right now."
"Please don't apologize. I think he needs a friend too. I feel so bad. I wasn't...well...you told me how together he was, so I wasn't expecting him to be like that, but truthfully...that's how I would have originally thought him to be. It amazed me that he wasn't."
"Really? You think he's acting normal?"
"In my opinion, yes. I mean look at me...and like he said, I have two working legs...yet I still can't get over it. I'm glad you're his friend, Ben. He needs someone like you."
I am sad the whole car ride home and I think Rose feels it, because she doesn't talk much and neither do I. Our date tonight is important to me, but something tells me Johnny's life is at stake here. He doesn't have the means to end it, but I could see in his eyes that he wants to. I'm pretty sure Rose suspects something like that too, but we don't talk about it. We ride in silence instead. Not even the radio is turned on.
Back on the last stretch of road that leads to Rose's farm, I remember that things weren't going too well with her sisters. "Rose, are you gonna be okay at home? It just occurred to me that you and your sisters had an argument."
"I'll be fine. It was just a sister thing." She pats my hand on the gearshift. "Please don't worry about me. Worry about Johnny. He really needs you. I'll be fine."
In her driveway, I put the car in park and turn toward her. "I really do want to take you out on a date, you know."
"I know," she says, smiling. "We'll get there. This is important."
"Yeah."
"Ben?"
"Yeah?"
"You seem...very compassionate for a college guy. Maybe that's why you're in the field you're in and all...but...I don't need for you to...fix me. I hope that's not why you're here."
I shake my head. "No, not at all."
"I mean, you came to my rescue the other night. That was sweet. You saved me from a cold night in the truck. But please don't feel obligated to be with me like you do Johnny."
"I don't feel obligated to be with Johnny. Not because he needs fixing or I feel sorry for him. I like him. Isn't that what friends do? Aren't friends there for one another when they need them?"
"Of course. Of course that's what friends do. I'm sorry. I am. About saying that about you being obligated. I didn't mean that. Just...please don't try to heal me." She pauses, but then says, "I might not want to be healed."
I nod, not quite sure how to take that. Why wouldn't she want to get better?
I open my door to get out and walk her to the porch. "I don't want to fix you, Rose. That's not what I'm about. But...when I care for somebody, I can't help it if I want to take care of them."
She nods, hopefully in understanding.
"Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?"
"Yeah. I'd like that."
I reach for her hands, hold them, and kiss her goodbye. Letting my lips linger a moment or two.
She goes inside, closes the door, I walk back to my car, and I drive back to Totowa in silence, stopping home only to pick up a pair of sweats and my toothbrush.
***
When I get to Johnny's, he's staring out the window again, while Isaiah is reclined watching a movie.
Isaiah is first to acknowledge me. "Hey, Ben."
"Isaiah. Hey, John."
He circles around and he blinks.
"What movie you watching?" I ask them both, figuring they started out watching the movie together, before Johnny lost interest.
"Mission Impossible," Isaiah says. "Netflix."
"Never saw it."
"Neither'd Johnny," Isaiah says, showing no expression. "But I've seen enough. Johnny, if you need me, just beep."
"Beep?"
"He's got a button there on his chair pad to call me."
"Oh."
I toss my bag in the corner and sit on the couch near Johnny. "What's going on, man? Why the sudden change?"
"It's not sudden. I just don't have the energy to pretend anymore."
I nod. "Do you talk to someone about it?"
"I meet with someone. She comes in three times a week. Do I talk? No."
&nb
sp; "Why?"
"Talking's not gonna make my arms move. God. Not having use of my legs I can deal with, but do you know what it's like to be in a straitjacket twenty-four seven? That's what it's like. A fucking straitjacket."
I nod again. What more can I say? I don't know what it's like and if I did, I'm sure I'd be as angry as he is. Rose is right. This has to be the normal reaction to his situation.
"You ever think about being caught in a burning building?" he asks, and I'm sure it's rhetorical, so I don't answer. "Well, I do. 'Cause I dream it every night. Every night, I'm trapped. Behind some huge block of steel. Flames are blazing around me. I have nowhere to go. I'm trapped. And I can't get out. I watch the flames creep toward me. It feels like the sun crashes on friggin' top of me. The sun. That's how hot it is. Every night I get caught on fire. Every. Single. Night. I catch on fire. It's like a goddamn episode of Groundhog Day. Only I don't get the girl at the end."
By now, streams of tears are running down both our faces. We’re too caught up in emotions to worry about showing our vulnerabilities to each other.
Silence surrounds us and I'm at a loss for words still. A bird trapped in a cage. With no room to flap his wings. It must be torturous, and I don't even know how to ease his pain.
"I'm so sorry," I finally manage. "Just. So sorry."
"I didn't mean to bring you down. That's why I didn't want you to come back. I'm too tired to pretend it's gonna all get better."
He stares at me. "If you weren't such a good guy, I'd ask you to put a pillow over my head tonight after Isaiah puts me to bed."
My body tenses. I don't know how to respond to that.
"Don't worry. I wouldn't ask that of you." I hear the disappointment in his voice.
"This may sound absurd, but why don't you go to college like you planned?"
"It is absurd. College is not a place for someone like me."
"That's not true. You already have a daily nurse. Let Isaiah help you to classes. I see people in wheelchairs all the time at school."
He blinks his eyes.
"You're so fucking bright, John. The technology is there. Look at the way you maneuver that iPad. Give it a try."
His eyes are cast down, but I can tell he might be thinking about it.
"Take one class in January. Don't matriculate. See if you can handle it."
"I can't."
"Why not? Give me one good reason."
"'Cause I'm still in high school."
Reaching Rose (Hunter Hill University Book 3) Page 15
