"Yeah. I'm sure your coach would love that," she says into my neck. "You'll be back soon. And then..." she sighs. "You're gonna be busier than ever with school and practice and games. You'll forget I even exist." She laughs, but it doesn't sound like she's joking.
Taking her face in my hands, I look directly into her green eyes. "I could never forget you exist. Ever."
She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
"I'm serious, Rose. During these past two months, you've come to mean so much to me. Even before that. The first time I saw you, sitting in that wheelchair, as silent as—" I pause to find the perfect analogy "—the midnight sky in the dead of winter...I knew I needed to meet you. Know you."
Her smile is still so sad.
"Nothing was going to stop me from getting close to you, Rose..." I'm suddenly at a loss for words, so I kiss her. Again. I don't want to stop. And this time, she doesn't pull away. I do. Because my face is wet. And when I look at her, there are tears all over her face. "Rose. What's the matter?" She's crying so hard that I'm thinking, Is she really gonna miss me that much?
"Nothing, nothing it's just so cold out here. My eyes always tear so bad," she says it all in one breath.
"Oh." I wipe the tears with my thumbs, but her cheeks are so wet, I pull my sweater sleeve out from my jacket cuff and wipe her face with it. "Then let's get you inside."
She nods.
Back inside her house, I give her one last hug and one really long kiss goodbye. I can still taste the salt from her tears on my tongue. When we're finished, I don't say the words, I just let the kiss say goodbye for me.
The drive home is ridiculously solemn. I don't even turn on the radio.
***
After my CAT Scan on Monday, the first thing I do is call Rose. I want to Facetime her, but she won't have anything to do with that. I had asked her why once, but she said she doesn't like the camera and would rather stay away from it. She could have fooled me about the camera, considering her house is filled with photographs her mother took of her. Rose on the farm. Rose on her horse. Rose on the stage in her dance costumes.
But then again, they're all photos from before. And that makes me sad all over again.
As much as she's loosened up around me since my birthday, she's still struggling with the effects of her accident. She doesn't talk about it either. EVER. Even when I come right out and ask her about it. Eventually, I stop asking. I'm afraid I'll ask one too many times and she'll just stop talking again. I don't want that to happen. I always wondered how she could willingly stop talking in the first place. And why?
So I'm not going to ask any more questions. If she wants to talk about it when she's ready, she knows I'll listen.
***
I have to see Rose one last time before I leave for Florida. I can't help myself. So on Christmas Eve morning, I call her and ask if it's okay to come up.
"Of course it's okay," she says over the phone. "I'd love to see you. But you don't mind driving all that way? Isn't it, like, almost three hours away?"
"Not quite, but it doesn't matter. I'd really like to see you."
"Okay," she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice.
"Good. I'm leaving in about five minutes. See you about twelve thirty?"
"Yup. See you then."
27
ROSE
He never showed up. Twelve thirty went by. One thirty. Two. By two thirty, I had a feeling it was more than traffic. Especially since he didn't respond to my text asking him if everything was all right. I don't know his home phone number. I don't even know his home address. Something had to have happened. He wouldn't just not show up. He's the one who asked me if he could come up.
I text him again.
ME: Ben. Just let me know you're okay. It doesn't matter you didn't come. Please. Thanks.
My stomach hurts. I can't settle down. I want to go downstairs to dance, but everyone's home. Even Terri. Dancing is how I relieve stress, and right now, I can't dance, and as awkward as I am now, I still need it as an outlet.
"Rosebud, what's going on? You've been jumping around like a bean all day."
"I don't jump, Daddy."
He's watching me from the kitchen table. Decorating cookies with my mom and Beth all day is usually one of my favorite things to do on Christmas Eve, but today...it's just not happening.
"You know what I mean, Bud. You're jittery."
"I'm fine," I snap at my father.
"What's going on?" Beth asks, more quietly than my father had.
"Nothing." I'd tell Beth, but my father's still watching and my mother hears everything. Not that it'd hurt anything for them to know I'm worried about Ben, but it'd be just one more thing they'd question me about relentlessly.
Beth nods. "Okay."
But later on in my room, I tell her why I'm nervous.
"Did you try calling him?"
"No. I texted him though. Twice."
"Can't hurt to try and call."
I guess it can't hurt, but I just shrug to Beth.
"He's a really nice guy, Rose. There's gotta be a reason he didn't show up."
I nod. She's right. I know she's right. And that's what has me so worried.
With Beth still in the room, I pick up my cell and call Ben. It goes directly to voice mail. "Hi. It's Rose. Just making sure you're okay. Let me know. Bye."
To Beth, I say, "Went straight to voice mail. Was that okay? I didn't sound desperate or anything, did I?"
"No. Not at all. Just concerned." She pats me on the knee. "Don't worry about it, Rose. I'm sure he's fine and there’s a reasonable explanation."
I nod, but I don't agree with her. How many months did it take Holly to find out about me? All because my mother didn't have her phone number, nor did she even know much about my college friends to know who to call.
"Listen, Rose, it's Christmas. He's probably doing some family thing. He's Italian. Don't they do some big fish thing? His mother probably made him go. You know how parents are. His phone probably died and he didn't memorize your number to call."
"You got it all worked out, don't you?" I laugh, because she's probably right. It does sound feasible.
But in the morning, I still don't get a text or a call. So I spend Christmas day preoccupied with my own thoughts. It doesn't go unnoticed, I can tell by the looks I'm getting from everyone. Fortunately, after I ignore Terri's badgering, no one else bugs me with questions.
To stop myself from worrying if Ben was in a horrific accident like I was, I go through dance moves in my head - the last routine I did before being asked to perform on Broadway.
Later on that night, I hear my mother whispering to my father in the hallway. "She's gonna stop talking again. I know it. She was doing so well too."
"She was not doing well, Sam," my father says, his voice not so capable of whispering. "She's just going through the motions of living. She hasn't even mentioned going back to school. And...does she even use that leg you bought her?"
"The one for dancing?"
"Yeah."
"No."
"Dancing was her life, Samantha. Now she wants nothing to do with it?"
"It's hard for her." My mother chokes on her words. It sounds like she's crying.
"She can do it, Sam. She just doesn't want to try."
I am trying. They just don't know it.
"She doesn't want to do farm work the rest of her life. This life was never for her and you know it."
"She needs time, Bruce."
"She waits any longer, it's never gonna happen."
This is when I walk away. I can't listen to it anymore. If they saw me down in that studio, they wouldn't be urging me to get back to dancing. When I turn to go up the stairs, Patti is standing there.
"You know he's right."
Don't talk to me, Patti.
I don't say that to her though. I don't have the energy.
***
Christmas break goes by way too slowly - the days are long and the nig
hts are unbearable. I don't spend any time in the studio, because Patti and Terri don't have school this week so they're up at all hours of the night watching movies or having friends over. I could go down there anyway, but then they would know, tell my mother, and she'd go and get her hopes up. I can't afford her to get her hopes up, because my dancing isn't getting any better. My moves are clumsy and jerky, and I'm embarrassed to even call it dancing. I'm never going to come close to where I was.
On New Year's Eve morning, tired of picking up shit and feeding chickens, I visit Cloud. "Hey, buddy, miss me?"
Cloud whinnies.
"I miss you too." I run my hands along his side and realize how much I've missed taking him out.
"Think you can be gentle?" I ask him.
Another whinny.
"Don't make promises you can't keep, boy."
I lift my saddle off its hook and grab Cloud's rump rug. I dress him up, take him outside, and lift myself up onto him from his right side.
"Be gentle, Cloud. Please, boy."
We start off slow, and once I get my bearings back, we pick up and settle into a fairly steady pace. It feels good to be back up on Cloud. I'm too uneasy to let my mind wander like I used to, but it's freeing just the same. The cold air on my face. The feeling that I'm flying. There's nothing like it. And for the first time since I hung up with Ben on Christmas Eve morning, I'm smiling.
28
BEN
Be careful what you wish for.
Isn't that how the saying goes?
Maybe it's because it gets the wish all fucking wrong.
I didn't go to Florida. But not because of Rose. I haven't even seen her this week. Or talked to her. She probably hates me now. Only assholes say they're going to be somewhere and then not show up. I've officially made it to asshole status.
But I can't make it up to her.
Not yet.
Hopefully someday.
29
ROSE
"Rosebud, I'm so happy you made this decision."
"Dad. It's only two classes."
"But it's a start. That's all that matters."
"I'm not promising anything, Dad. If people stare. If I feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna quit."
My father sighs, his face sinks and all. "Bud. You never cared about people staring. You got in front of hundreds of people at a time. You used to love the stares."
"Dad. They were watching, not staring. And it was because I was good. Now it'll be 'cause I'm a freak."
"You're not a freak, Rose," Holly says, grabbing my last suitcase. "You're a geek. Don't worry, Mr. Duncan, I'll make sure she doesn't quit."
"Thanks, Holly."
"And if people stare, it's only because she's so freaking beautiful."
"Oh shut up." I don't want to hear Holly's stupid praises. "I'll be all right, Dad. Don't worry."
"I love you, Rosebud." I give my father a big hug goodbye, then he hands me my cane. "Just in case you get tired walking."
"Thanks, Dad." They'll definitely stare if I use the cane. I'll have to make sure I don't get tired. With only two classes to get to, I'm sure I'll be fine.
After my father leaves, Holly gives me a hug. "Thank you, thank you for moving in with us."
"Yeah, well, thank you for talking me into it. I guess I am kind of looking forward to school again."
"You know it. You'll probably be kicking yourself for not taking a full load."
"I doubt it, but yeah. So where's Griffin? I feel bad moving in when he's not here. You sure he's okay with this?”
"Of course he is. He's just as excited as I am. He's probably out with Cali. Sundays are their day together. They'll be back soon, I'm sure. But hey, so you're not alone, why don't you come to Donny's with me when I go into work?"
"I don't think so, Holl. I think I'll just unpack and get my room in order. I'll be fine. Really."
"If you're sure. Listen, I gotta take a shower, but let me get this in your room for you." She picks up the suitcase she set aside before.
"Holly. I can do it. Please. I can do everything you can do, really." Then I admit, "I just can't dance anymore."
"I don't believe that, but...one step at a time."
One step at a time. That's how Ben and I were supposed to take our relationship. Until he decided to take no steps at all. It still makes me sad to think about him, but he made the choice to disappear from my life. For whatever reason. I'll just have to respect that.
However...
Ben may have something to do with the reason I decided to come back to school. Maybe if I run into him, he'll tell me why he just stopped calling. I mean, after I checked online for any major accidents in the Cherry Hill area and, God forbid, the obituaries, I realized it most likely wasn’t that. Then, I thought maybe it was another girl, but that would have meant he'd met her on the way up to visit me. But truthfully, as much as I worried about him being with another girl when I first started liking him, I got to know him enough to know that he'd be honest about it. I never met a more upstanding guy, so since Christmas Eve, I've had a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I don't have Johnny's phone number, and I don't even know his last name, so I can't call him. But since Dad gave me his old truck to get me around down here, I'm thinking about stopping at his house to see him. Maybe he'll know something about Ben.
It takes me about two hours to set up my new room. I like it. It's bigger than my dorm room, and I don't have to share it. I'm just a little worried about the parties Griffin likes to throw. They're not particularly wild, Griffin doesn't run like that, but he does have quite a few friends, and it makes me nervous to think of so many people coming into the house. Since Halloween, I've only been around my parents, my sisters, Holly, and Ben. And Johnny that one time.
When I venture down into the kitchen, Griffin and Cali are at the counter.
"Rosalie." Griffin always liked my full name. "I wanted to come up and say hi, but I thought I'd give you time to get situated." He hugs me and kisses me on the left cheek. "How are you?" he asks happily.
"I'm good. Thank you so much for letting me stay here. You sure you don't want more than a hundred a month?"
"I'm sure. If the utilities go up, we'll talk about it then. No worries."
"Hi, Cali." I feel bad, I haven't even acknowledged her yet.
"Hi, Rose. It's good to see you. I'm glad you'll be living here."
"You don't mind?" She is Griffin's girlfriend. She might mind.
"Of course not. It'll be nice. I'm here whenever I'm not working or going to class, so it'll be fun hanging together."
"Yeah. I'm looking forward to it."
"Is that your Chevy C-10 out there?"
"Yeah. The ugly orange thing out there? Unfortunately, that's mine."
"Nothing unfortunate about it. It's a '65. It's a classic. I love classic cars and trucks."
"That's right. You have that little yellow thing, right?"
"Right. That little yellow BMW 2002."
"And that's not the year," Cali says.
I laugh. "That's right. It is a BMW, isn't it?"
"It's ugly, right?" Cali says.
Griffin shakes his head at our lack of reverence for classic cars.
"Rosalie?" Griffin asks. "Have you had time to check where everything is?"
"Not really. Just my room and the bathroom."
"Well feel free to open every cabinet, every drawer. What's yours is mine, and we split the grocery bill, so you can eat or drink anything in the house."
"Great. Thanks."
"Though you don't look like you eat very much. You lost a lot of weight."
"Not really. Lost more muscle than anything."
He just nods. "Hunter Hill has a gym. It's free."
"That's right. Maybe I'll use it." Last year when I was here, I never had time to use the gym. My dance schedule took up any free school time I had. I guess now I'll have the time.
"You want coffee, Rose?" Cali asks. "I'm getting one."
She gets up from her stool and goes to the coffee machine. "Griff's got all kinds of flavors."
"That's due to Holly," Griffin says. "She's girling up my house."
"Yeah, I think I will have a cup." I go by Cali and get a mug from the cabinet where Cali got one and fix myself a pumpkin spice coffee.
"We're staying in to watch a movie," Cali tells me. "Wanna watch with us?"
I don't want to be a third wheel, but I don't want to start off by turning anyone down. Before the accident, I would have taken them up on an offer like this, had I had time, so I say, "Sure."
And then I think about Ben and wonder if I'll see him on campus tomorrow. Even though I'm nervous as all heck, I sure hope so.
30
BEN
I'm back at school.
Not sure for how long, though.
I'm here because there's still a chance. And I need to know there's still a chance.
So I'm following protocol to stay on the team.
I'm staying a full-time student.
"Ben?"
I look up from my desk. "Holly."
"What's going on?" She sits at the desk next to me in Environmental Science on Monday morning.
"Rose is worried sick. She thinks something bad happened to you. What the fuck?"
"Holly. Not now."
"I thought you were one of the good guys. Man. The least you could have done was text her. Tell her you were okay."
"Holly. Please. I don't want to talk about this right now."
"You suck, Ben."
"Thanks for trusting me, Holl."
Despite the words, Holly stays seated next to me throughout the period and even walks out with me.
"So you gonna talk?" she starts as soon as we're outside.
"Yeah. Just not about what you wanna talk about."
She hikes her book bag's strap high on her shoulder in a move that tells me she's angry. "Again...you suck," she reminds me.
"I gotta go, Holly. I'll catch you later." I ignore her angry commentary behind me as I walk away.
Reaching Rose (Hunter Hill University Book 3) Page 18
