I didn’t bother putting my face on because that way I would stay in my room until I’d caught up. I didn’t even need to go out for food because I took the last few dumplings out of the freezer and by the time I was hungry and ready for a break, they’d be defrosted enough to cook.
When the knock on the door came, I’d thought it was Ruby. She was always forgetting her keys. It happened often enough that we talked about keeping an extra outside the door, but there wasn’t any place to safely hide one.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t Ruby.
I had always prided myself on remaining calm in emergency situations. Once when I was little, I’d slept over at a friend’s house and we’d gotten up before everyone else, determined to surprise everyone with breakfast the next morning. We were cooking bacon when the pan caught fire. My friend freaked out and rushed to fill a glass with water, but I stopped her. As the daughter of a restauranteur, I knew you extinguished grease fires by either cutting off its oxygen or dousing it with baking soda. The fire went out soon after we slapped the lid on the pan.
But opening the door and seeing Hudson there induced a panic in me that no fire ever would.
My heart went into overdrive as I slammed the door. He was talking to me, but I couldn’t focus on what he was saying. All I could hear was the deafening tympanic drumbeat of my pounding heart.
Had he seen my birthmark?
Of course he had. I had my hair up in a ponytail and it was broad daylight.
He was probably standing there, a look of horror on his face, and maybe thinking he’d knocked on the wrong door or entered some alternate reality where an alien had abducted me and left a monster in my place.
I could only blame myself. I should have told him about my birthmark ages ago. After he tried to touch my face and I’d freaked out would have been the perfect time to explain. With a little warning, he might have been okay with how I look without my makeup on. But now…now he knew I’d been lying to him all this time, pretending to be something I’m not—a normal, pretty girl. He was one of the stars of the hockey team. All he had to do was snap his fingers and ten girls would jump at the chance to date him, girls with normal looking faces who didn’t hide who they were.
Ruby came home about an hour later.
After one look at me, she exclaimed, “Indi, what’s wrong?”
Sick at heart, I told her what had happened. She was sympathetic, but she’d also told me time and again that I needed to tell Hudson about my birthmark. She’d told me exactly how to do it too.
“First you say, ‘Hudson, I have something I’ve been afraid to tell you.’ He’ll immediately think it’s something really horrible—like you were abused as a child or your uncle is a member of the Klan. So when you tell him you were born with a birthmark on your face, he’ll actually be relieved.”
“If only I’d taken your advice,” I said, after recounting to her what had happened. “Now, it’s too late.”
“Stop that. It is not too late,” she declared.
“Yes, it is. This face is too scary to take if you’re not ready for it.”
“I love you like a sister, but right now? You’re being a grade-A drama queen. Your face is not scary. What’s scary is your refusal to give the guy a chance. You think it’s a foregone conclusion that he’s going to reject you, but I see no evidence that that’s true.”
“Austin did.”
“Who’s Austin?”
“Austin was my first boyfriend. We went together in high school.”
Ruby winced. “This story is going to have a tragic ending, isn’t it? Never mind. Don’t answer that. I already know it is, but I want to hear it anyway.”
“I was a senior and feeling some social pressure to get things rolling in the sex department. He knew I was a virgin and been really patient. So, we planned to do it a week before the prom. But…it didn’t go well.
“I admit it was partly my fault for deciding, after keeping my birthmark a secret from him, to bare everything to him on the big night. It made perfect sense to me then. I thought we were in love, that he loved me and if he loved me, he’d be okay with my birthmark.”
“Oh, Indi,” Ruby murmured.
“I know. I was so incredibly stupid. If I hadn’t sprung it on him without warning, things might have turned out a lot differently. As it was, he was horrified. We never had sex. He never talked to me again.”
“Listen to me, Indi. You were not stupid. You are not at fault. The only thing you did wrong was choose a loser to sleep with. There are a lot of dicks out there who aren’t worth five minutes of conversation, let alone sex, and Austin was one of them. But that doesn’t mean that Hudson is a dick. From what I’ve seen of him, he’s the exact opposite, but I don’t know him like you do. What do you think? Is Hudson a dick?”
I sniffed. “No.”
“Do you think he only likes you because of what you look like? Or—don’t interrupt me—or do you think you have other qualities that he’s attracted to, like your intelligence, your wit, your sense of humor?”
“Ruby, stop it. I get it. Yes, of course he likes other things about me other than the way I look, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the way I look is a factor.”
She stared at me with narrowed eyes, but I knew I’d made a point.
“I will concede it’s a factor, but not as big a one as you think it is. Remember when you first showed me?” She reached out and clasped my hand, squeezed it. “I’ll admit now that I was shocked. I’d never seen anything like your birthmark before, but I got used to it.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“You know what I mean. You’ve told me yourself that the kids you went to grade school with were so used to it, they didn’t even see it anymore. You gave them the chance to get to know the real you. Doesn’t Hudson deserve that same chance?”
“Yes,” I said, my voice trembling. I looked outside at the gray skies. A storm seemed to be gathering.
“Then what are you waiting for?” She glanced at the wall clock. “The game’s over by now. If you hurry, you can catch him at the rink.”
I left Carter Hall with every intention of going to the rink, but as I approached the still full parking lot, I decided against it. Ruby hadn’t let me put on any makeup, saying that horse already left the barn, and I had enough anxiety about facing Hudson barefaced, let alone thousands of hockey fans. Instead, I drove to his apartment, parked and waited.
I woke up some time later, disoriented and freezing. It was raining hard. The streetlights reflected off the wet streets. Teeth chattering, I checked my phone, still a little groggy. I’d somehow slept through another text from Hudson, sent about an hour ago.
Hudson: I hope you’re feeling better. Call me when you can. I have a lot to tell you.
A wave of guilt rolled through me. It was midnight, but I tapped out a reply anyway.
Indi: I’m freezing, but I’m okay.
His response was almost immediate.
Hudson: OMG. I’ve been worried sick. Why are you freezing? Is the heat out in the dorm?
Indi: No. I’m in my car outside your apartment.
A light went on in his unit and he appeared at the window, peering out. By then, I was out of the car and running across the street. No umbrella. The rain was coming down in sheets and I was instantly drenched.
I got to his front door just as he was coming out.
“Indi, you’re soaked to the skin,” he exclaimed, pulling me inside. “Are you crazy coming out in this without an umbrella? Jesus, you’re shivering.”
He hurried to his bedroom and came back with a T-shirt, some sweatpants, a towel and a woven blanket which he gave to me. “Go dry off and put these on. I think we have some tea somewhere. I’ll make some.”
A few minutes later, I came out of his room, dry but still frozen. He must have found tea because there was a pot of water on the stove and two mugs on the counter.
Setting the towel aside, I curled up in a corner of the sofa with the blanket w
rapped around my shoulders. A short while later, he came over with the tea. I curled my hands around the steaming mug, grateful for the warmth.
“It’s a good thing for you AJ’s sleeping,” he said sitting next to me, “because I’m tempted to read you the riot act. What the hell are you doing coming out in this weather when you’re sick? For someone studying to be a doctor, you should know better.”
Biting my lip, I said, “I lied to you. I’m not sick.”
He frowned. “I don’t understand.”
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and, all the words exploded out of me in a rush, like I was a piñata that had just been dealt the last blow.
“As you can see, I have a…thing on my face.” I kept my gaze averted as I spoke. “It’s a birthmark called a port-wine stain and I’ve been covering it up with makeup because I didn’t want you to see it. That’s why I slammed the door in your face. That’s why I pretended to be sick today.”
He leaned forward and slowly, carefully tucked my hair behind my ear so my entire face was revealed.
“I was wondering what this was.”
Despite my best efforts, I felt tears gathering.
“Is this why you wouldn’t let me touch your face?”
I nodded.
“Can I touch it now?” he asked in a soothing voice.
I nodded again and a moment later felt his warm hand on my cheek, cupping my jaw. His thumb stroked my skin ever so gently.
“Tell me something. Were you the girl I collided with in the cafeteria last month?”
Taking in a shaky breath, I nodded.
A few more moments ticked by as he continued to study my face. This was how I imagined zoo animals or circus freaks felt.
“I’m sorry, Indi. I can’t stop looking at you.”
I scoffed. “Because I’m grotesque.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. Look at me, Indi.”
I met his gaze and through the blur of fresh tears, I saw an acceptance that warmed me from the inside out.
“I can’t stop looking at you because I’ve wanted this for a long time. I can’t tell you how often I wondered what you looked like when you weren’t all made up. I wondered when you’d feel comfortable enough with me that you’d let me see the real you, the private you. And I’m sorry that it came about the way it did, that I freaked you out this afternoon, but I’m glad at the same time. You’re beautiful. You’re so, so beautiful.”
It took a while for his words to sink in but when they did, they wrapped around me more snugly than the blanket.
He moved closer, still cupping my face, and brushed his lips against mine. I could taste his toothpaste, smell the soap he’d used and the unique scent of his skin. It was the most tender kiss I’d ever had because it was more than physical. This wasn’t just nerves and synapses firing. The knowledge that he accepted my face and thought it was beautiful opened me up inside. This was what I’d hoped for but was afraid would never happen. This gorgeous, amazing hockey god had seen me, seen my birthmark, and hadn’t rejected me or recoiled.
I sighed as he rained gentle kisses on my lips and cheeks, paying special attention to my birthmark. All the while he told me again and again how beautiful I was and each time he said it, I believed it a little more strongly.
As he slipped his hand under the T-shirt and closed over my bare breast, I moaned. It felt so good, especially when he slowly circled the nipple with his fingers, making it tighten into a hard point of sharp sensation.
In a matter of moments, I was nothing but need and wanting. When he pushed his knee between my legs, I opened them. Almost immediately, he moved in. I felt the hardness of his erection right where I needed it. I lifted my hips and he ground himself against me. It felt so good. I never wanted it to stop. There was no place I’d rather be than pinned under Hudson’s hard body with his hips thrusting and rubbing me where it counted.
We were panting. My lips were throbbing from his kisses and I felt lightheaded. I was only dimly aware of the rain pelting the windows.
With a groan, Hudson stopped and raised himself on his elbows.
“Indi,” he said, breathing hard. “Let’s go to my room.” His hair was disheveled and his eyes blazed with heat.
I couldn’t answer, but when he stood up and took my hand, I went along, eager, scared, my heart pounding.
The desire I felt right now was ten times sharper and more intense than it had been the other times I’d made out with him. My legs were literally shaking as we made our way to his bedroom and I could only surmise that we’d crossed a threshold, or maybe just I had. By being honest and open with him and exposing my most vulnerable self, I’d unlocked something inside and now my body and my mind were synced, aroused, hungry.
Except I still had one thing I was keeping from him.
And that had to change.
Tonight.
22
Indi
Secrets suck. The longer you keep them, the more difficult it is when you finally have to give them up.
I hadn’t come over intending to lose my virginity and I wondered if, rather than confess to him that I’d lived twenty-one years on this earth and never had sex, I should pretend I knew what I was doing. I would get him all hot and bothered—not a difficult task—and in his frenzy of lust, he wouldn’t notice that the only sex I’d ever had was in my mind. I mean, sex wasn’t like playing a musical instrument. If I picked up a saxophone and tried to play something, it would in no way resemble music, not without practice. But sex? Sex didn’t seem that complicated. There were two moving parts. How hard could it be?
And yet, hadn’t this whole shitty day come about because I hadn’t been honest with him? I could have saved myself so much grief if I’d told him about the birthmark right off the bat. I already embarrassed myself a lot today, so a little more wouldn’t make that much of a difference. It was as if I’d sloshed my coffee drink on my white T-shirt and was worrying about dripping some chocolate sauce on it too.
Hudson was busy shoving the huge pillows off the bed, scattering them like a thief in a heist movie who needed a tabletop to spread the blueprint on.
“Hudson, wait. Stop.”
He paused slightly before turning around with a carefully neutral expression on his face. I, frankly, wouldn’t have blamed him if he was irritated. I was irritated with me too.
“I need to tell you something. Something else I probably should have told you earlier.”
His expression didn’t change, but his brows rose and I could almost hear him thinking, Oh, God, what now, and all of a sudden, I was sure he thought I had an STD. What else could a woman possibly need to tell a guy before they had sex? Luckily, fear that he thought I was diseased prompted me to just blurt it out.
“I’m a virgin.”
His eyes widened. “You are?”
“Yep.” I shrugged in what I hoped was a carefree manner.
A nervous laugh escaped him. “I…wow.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Sorry.”
“No, no, don’t be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
We stood there staring at each other from opposite sides of the bed. The pillows lay discarded on the floor and I wondered if I should go home after all.
“You’re a virgin,” he said. “So if we…” He gestured haphazardly toward the bed. “I’ll be your first time.”
“If you’re willing,” I said, half-jokingly.
But even though he’d been ready, willing and able a few minutes ago, now he seemed hesitant.
It would serve me right if he wanted to kick me to the curb. If a guy had kept dumping secret after secret on me, there would be a tipping point where I’d be like, nope. I’m done.
Maybe Hudson had reached that point.
“I…Jesus. Sure, I’m willing. I’m just…a little wigged out is all. I mean, that’s a lot of pressure, a lot of responsibility, you know? I don’t have any idea what to do… I mean, there have g
ot to be certain things you do with virgins.”
“Maybe you can google it,” I said in a lame attempt at humor. “Top Ten Things to Do When Breaking in a Virgin.”
He laughed nervously. “I don’t doubt a list like that exists,” he said, sitting at the foot of the bed. I perched next to him, my hands clasped in my lap, my knees pressed together. When he heaved a deep sigh, my heart sank.
He was going to reject me, just like Austin had. The only difference was Hudson would do it with kindness, which in a lot of ways would be worse. I sat up straighter and tried to prepare myself.
“First of all, thank you,” he said.
Thank you?
“For what?”
“For the honor of wanting me to be your first.” He smiled and the tension drained out of me. “Unless there wasn’t any special consideration given and I happened to be the most convenient candidate.”
“No, not at all,” I assured him. “I mean, I haven’t been ‘saving myself’ all this time for that special someone, no offense.”
“None taken,” he said, still smiling.
“But my virginity isn’t a nuisance that needs to be taken care of either, like an item on my daily calendar. It’s a milestone that doesn’t deserve fanfare, but some consideration would be nice. Does that make sense?”
“It makes perfect sense. Can I ask a question?”
I nodded, suddenly nervous.
“You don’t have to tell me, obviously, but if you weren’t saving yourself, then why do you think it hasn’t happened yet?”
I sighed and lay back on the bed. “You really want to know? Because I guarantee you, by the end of my story you’ll be on emotional baggage overload.”
“I don’t mind,” he said, lying down next to me and taking my hand. “Honestly.”
“Senior year in high school, I was seeing this guy named Austin. Things were going well. I told him I was a virgin and he was incredibly patient with how slow I wanted to go and it had finally gotten to the point where I was finally ready.”
Darkroom: A Moo U Hockey Romance Page 15
