She reached into her bag for a business card and handed it to me.
I stared down at the familiar logo, and the words began to mesh together, as dark spots danced in my vision. My head felt light, and the floor swayed beneath me.
An instant later, everything went black.
When I came to, I was in the back of an ambulance, Mum, Dad, and Stacey gathered around me, concern etched on their faces.
“What happened?” My throat was dry and scratchy, and my lips clung together as I forced out the words.
“We’re not sure, exactly. We came over when we heard the commotion at your booth. That Amanda Healey woman said you were talking and just passed out.”
I tried to sit up, but my head spun, and Mum gently pushed me back down.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’m nursing the world’s worst hangover. Everything keeps spinning.”
“Are you eating and drinking enough?”
I was too exhausted to even roll my eyes at her question. “Yeah, of course.”
“And getting enough rest?”
“Well, as much as I can while preparing for the show and graduation.”
Mum and Dad exchanged a look, and Stacey averted her gaze.
“What? What is it? Has something happened to Ella?”
“No. The paramedics checked her heart rate, and she seems to be doing fine. An ultrasound will confirm that. We’re just worried you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.”
“I graduate soon. I can hardly just stop coming to classes and stuff or I’ll lose everything I worked so hard for.”
“Yes, we understand that. But perhaps when things started getting too much, you should have asked for a leave of absence. You can complete your degree after Ella is born.”
I forced myself into a sitting position, my jaw clenching with the effort to stop myself from yelling at them.
“I am not struggling.”
“No one would blame you if you were, honey. Being pregnant is a lot, without heaping a degree on top of it, and losing your job.”
“Plus things with Kian haven’t been easy recently,” Stacey said.
My head snapped towards her and my eyes narrowed.
“What the hell does Kian have to do with this?”
“Well, you two had that falling out, and since then, you’ve been really down. I’m worried it’s affecting you. I mean, you almost missed the presentation this morning, then threw up.”
Mum gasped. “You were sick? Why didn’t you tell us?”
My head pounded and the black spots returned to my vision. Suddenly I was seeing double of everyone.
I winced and closed my eyes. “Guys, give it a rest.”
“We’re just worried about you, love.” Dad laid his hands over mine.
“Really? Because right now, it feels like you’re ganging up on me.”
The rest of the journey passed in silence. I kept my eyes closed and turned away from Stacey and my parents. Well, as best I could with a growing baby bump and while on a hospital stretcher.
Once I was admitted to hospital, I was swept up in ultrasounds, blood tests, urine samples and blood pressure checks, while my parents and Stacey sat in the waiting room.
When I saw Ella moving around on the ultrasound monitor, and heard her strong heartbeat, all the tension left my muscles and tears welled behind my eyelids.
My little girl was okay.
As I waited for the various test results to come back, I gently stroked my tummy.
“It’s okay, little one. Mamma’s here and everything will be okay.”
“Megan…” I looked up at someone softly calling my name, and saw Kian standing in the doorway. His lips had formed a tight line and there were dark circles under his eyes. “Can I come in?”
While I’d felt smothered by the presence of Stacey and my parents in the ambulance, seeing Kian made my heart light. I wanted to jump out of bed and rush into his arms. Instead, as I was confined to my bed and hooked up to an IV, I patted the space beside me and nodded.
CHAPTER TWENTY
For the few days after Megan met my parents, I was on edge. She didn’t contact me, and I didn’t dare call or text her. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I was being unfair, and hurting her with my bullshit. I hadn’t meant to give her the wrong impression. I don’t know what I’d been thinking. I loved having her in my life, and didn’t want that to end, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
I thought back to the conversation I’d had with Davi when the news Megan and I were having a baby had become public. He’d insisted we owed it to ourselves, and Ella, to give it a chance. At the time, and after seeing how Megan had defended me online, I began to wonder if he was right. But I wasn’t ready to risk it. I’d only scratched the surface in therapy, and had inadvertently hurt Meg by giving her false hope. I wasn’t prepared to drag her deeper into my messed up life, and hurt her more. She was right; we needed space from each other. I couldn’t string her along indefinitely while I sorted my shit out. She deserved better than that. She had graduation and finding a job to focus on. She didn’t need me pulling her down.
Knowing it was best if I kept myself busy, I made an appointment with my solicitor and we discussed Davi’s offer. I had him draw up a provisional contract, and arrange a meeting with Davi and his solicitor. I wanted to run everything by Ollie, just to make sure I wasn’t doing something reckless, but I was pretty much decided I was going to buy into the gym. I still had no desire to return to fighting, but I could feel myself itching to get back to the gym and start working out again. This would be the perfect balance, and I was determined to succeed at it.
When I was done at the solicitor’s, I made my way to Ollie’s office for my appointment. Always punctual, he was just seeing his previous patient out when I arrived.
“Hey, come on in.”
I made my way into the therapy room and settled myself on the leather sofa, while Ollie sat at a chair behind his desk.
“So, Kian, how are you today?”
“I’m good, man. Very good, actually.”
“Oh? That’s very positive to hear. What’s been going on since our last session, then?”
I filled Ollie in on Davi’s offer, dinner with my family, and my visit to the solicitors. “What do you think?”
“I think that’s for you to decide. If you feel like you’re in a place where you can take on the extra responsibility, then it’s worth considering. Your reasoning is solid and you seem to be going into this with the correct intentions.”
I leaned back on the couch and let out a long breath. “Well, that’s one thing sorted.”
“It’s a confident step in the right direction. And how do you feel about what we talked about last session?”
“You mean about Bagley and me going to see him? I dunno. I just want to be done with that part of my life.”
“But isn’t it possible you’ll encounter him again when you return to the gym? Wouldn’t it be better to clear the air now, and then move on with your life?”
I tilted my head to the side, rolling the kink out of my neck as I considered his words.
Ollie’s suggestion was to take responsibility for my previous bad choices; I should speak to those affected by them, and get closure on the issue if I could. He’d also recommended I apologise to Bagley for breaking his arm. I’d already started trying to make amends with the people closest to me, and had spoken to my parents, Marie, and Davi about my behaviour. That had been easy, and since then my relationships with all of them had improved.
Doing the same with Bagley felt … unnecessary.
“What do you lose by trying?” Ollie prompted.
“Nothing, I guess. It’s just … I dunno.”
Ollie steepled his fingers in front of him. “Harder than you expected?”
“Yeah. With my folks, Marie, and Davi I wanted to make things right. I’m glad I made things right. My relationships with them are better because of
it.”
“You don’t want your relationships with Bagley to be better?”
I shrugged. “He’s not important to me.”
“He might be if someone you end up training has a match against him.”
The muscles in my arm tensed, and the hairs along my forearms bristled.
Ollie was a good guy, but he was applying doctor-logic to the world of MMA. Fighting wasn’t the same as falling out with a co-worker. You couldn’t just take something you’d read in a book and apply it to every single thing. The world we live in isn’t that black and white.
A tense silence filled the air. I got that Ollie was trying to help, but sometimes his advice was off the mark, and this was one of those times.
I knew now that when I’d broken Bagley’s arm I’d let my anger get the better of me, and some time away from fighting had made me realise Matthews had taken a cheap shot to win because he just didn’t respect me. Maybe if I hadn’t been so arrogant and disrespectful before our fight, things would have worked out differently. Space and time had made me see my fault in both situations, but apologising wouldn’t solve anything. Bagley and Matthews didn’t give two shits about me. They didn’t need me to say sorry. That’s not how the world of cage fighting worked.
I shrugged. “Sure. I’ll think about it.”
As I stared around the office, my thoughts drifted to Megan and I let out a long breath.
“Something else on your mind?”
I sighed, and ran my fingers through my hair.
“Yeah.” I told Ollie about the conversation Meg and I had, and how I didn’t want to keep hurting her.
“How do you feel about giving her space?”
My shoulders slumped, and a cold empty sensation settled in my stomach.
“I don’t want to lead her on and upset her, but I miss her. I miss talking to her on the phone. I miss hanging out with her.”
“Why are you so convinced you can’t give her what she wants?”
I let out a dry laugh. “Are you kidding me? I’m in therapy for Christ’s sake! That’s hardly on a woman’s checklist when she’s looking for a boyfriend.”
“Some might say it isn’t on the checklist for being a parent, either, but that’s not stopping you.”
“I can’t walk away from my daughter. She deserves a decent father, and I’ll do my damndest to be that.”
“How about Megan? What does she deserve?”
“Someone better than me. Someone who isn’t going to screw up.”
“Kian, that’s what we call ‘crystal ball gazing’. You don’t know you’ll screw up. Isn’t that the reason you’re here, to learn how to stop making the same mistakes, and get your anger under control?”
“Yeah, but what if I end up fucking things up so badly she ends up hating me. I couldn’t bear that.”
“Again, you can’t predict the future. What if you get struck by lightning? What if a plane falls from the sky and lands on you? Are you never going to leave your house again?”
“Yeah, but those things are ridiculous. The chances of them actually happening are remote. The chances of me screwing things up aren’t. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.”
“It doesn’t. But leopards can be domesticated. People can change their behaviour. You’re proof of that. Look how far you’ve come. And consider the alternative. What happens when Megan is ready to start dating again? How would you feel if you saw her with another man?”
The thought of Meg with another guy wasn’t something that had occurred to me. It wasn’t something I’d thought about, ever. But with the mental image in my head, I could feel sweat beading on my forehead as I clenched my jaw.
I shook my head, and lied, “If that’s what makes her happy, I’d just have to get used to it.”
I checked my watch and saw we only had a few minutes of our session left. Knowing that, I put on my ‘I’m okay face’ so I could escape without any further questions. I reached for the jug of water on the coffee table in front of me and poured myself a glass.
“Okay. That’s our time up. But until our next session, I want you to think over everything we’ve discussed.”
“Yeah. Cheers, man. I will do.”
I slid the half-drunk glass of water onto the table.
“Make another appointment with Lizzie for two weeks’ time, and I’ll see you then.”
“All right. See you in two weeks.”
As I climbed into my car, Ollie’s final comments swirled around in my mind.
He was right, people did change, and those closest to me had already commented on the difference they’d seen in me since I’d gone back to therapy.
So what was stopping me? What was holding me back from getting together with Megan? What was I so afraid of?
With no direction in mind, I started driving, and before I knew it, I’d left the city and was heading into the countryside. After another thirty minutes, I started seeing signposts for a nature reserve and reservoir. It seemed like the perfect place to relax and think in peace.
I parked my car, picked a direction at random, and started walking. I saw a couple, a family, and a man with his dog, heading down a well-worn dirt path, so I took the opposite route, wanting to be away from people. Soon I walked into a more wooded area, and the terrain started to incline steeply. Careful of my footing, I made my way up the slope, and came to a clearing on the crest of the hill. I found a tree stump to sit on, and looked down at the view. Below me, the reservoir glistened in the sun.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
Instantly an image of Megan popped into my mind.
Even without Ella in the equation, I couldn’t imagine my life without Megan in it. Ignoring all the ways she’d helped me, she was like no woman I’d known before. Since the first time we’d met, she’d been easy to talk to, with no game playing. Just upfront about everything. She was funny, too. Her sense of humour was silly. One time, she had me laughing like an idiot when she drew boobs on the shirtless guy on my bottle of protein pills. I loved how, if she wanted something, nothing stopped her from achieving it. I respected how she’d held down a job and graduated uni, all while being pregnant. That’s some MMA-level dedication right there.
Determination and focus was something we shared, as were the bonds we had with our families. Seeing how close she was to her mum and dad made me sure she’d always be there for Ella, even when our daughter was an adult.
But it wasn’t just our similarities that drew me to her. Her eagerness to experience different things was infectious, and it’d become a contest between us to introduce the other to as many new foods, or movies, or bands as we could. Even though I’d never admit it aloud, the chick flicks were growing on me.
She took an interest in all aspects of my life, simply because they were important to me. No woman I’d slept with cared about my cooking, or the bikes I liked, but Megan was always asking questions and insisting I show her things.
So many of the women I’d slept with were so in awe of the celebrity they thought I was that they did nothing to challenge me when I was acting like a prick. But from day one, Megan had called me out each time I’d acted badly. Even after we’d grown close, and she started feeling more for me, that didn’t stop her from putting me in my place and telling me I’d hurt her by sending out mixed signals.
No woman had done that before.
They were always so worried about ruining their chance with me that their responses had been: “Yes, Kian. No, Kian. Can I carry your three gym bags full, Kian?”
I hated it. I didn’t want a bloody nodding dog.
I wanted a woman who ‘got’ me. Someone who wouldn’t put up with me being a dick because they were so infatuated with the celeb life. I wanted someone who was my equal.
I wanted … Fuck. I wanted Megan.
But I couldn’t let myself be with her.
I slammed my head into my palms.
Why? Why was I being such a jackass and holding back?
What
could go wrong? I asked myself.
You could fall for her, it not work out, and then you’d be left with nothing.
The thought of not having Megan in my life, the idea of being cut off from Ella, and the idea of going back to being the guy who only cared about sex, terrified me.
That’s what was stopping me.
If Megan and I never got together, then we could never break up. She’d never end up hating me and stop me seeing Ella, and we’d still be in each other’s lives.
Part of me knew I was being stupid, denying a potential relationship because of what ifs. But the loudest voice in my head told me it was better to have Megan in my life, at least in some capacity, than risk losing her and not have anything at all.
But she’s not really in your life, is she? Since she met your parents and asked for space, you haven’t spoken.
It was like fate was taunting me, and no matter what I did, I’d lose Megan either way. If we got together, and something went wrong, I’d lose her. If we didn’t get together, I’d still lose her, because she’d need space, or worse, get with someone else.
I couldn’t win.
Ollie’s earlier words came back to me: What happens when Megan is ready to start dating again?
He was right. If I kept giving her space, there was every chance her feelings for me would fade, and then eventually, she’d move on and start seeing someone else.
I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t.
But at least if we didn’t get together and mess it all up, we could still be civil for Ella’s sake.
My phone ringing in my pocket jarred me out of my thoughts. I pulled it out and was surprised to see it was a text from Stacey:
>>Megan’s at City Hospital. Ella is ok. Get here ASAP!<<
My mouth went dry and my stomach hardened.
I leapt up from the tree stump, scrambled down the hill, and then raced back to my car. Skidding out of the car park, I floored the accelerator and pushed the speed limit. If I hurried, I could miss the late afternoon traffic, and make it to the hospital in forty minutes. As I thundered through the streets, every horrible scenario played out in my mind. Megan going into premature labour and Ella not making it. Ella being born early, but Megan dying in delivery. Neither of them pulling through.
All It Takes Page 26
