“You can’t even tell that this color doesn’t match my eyes!”
“I don’t have a purse for these shoes!”
“I can’t wear the same thing nine days in a row!”
“Those aren’t the right curlers. What are you standing there for? Go look for them!”
“You’re looking right at it—it’s jojoba! Jo-jo-ba! What don’t you understand?”
I didn’t understand anything! What’s jojoba? The word alone was giving me a headache. I had no idea what curlers were for and why those weren’t the right ones. A better option would have been to hand me a pistol—preferably recoilless—and let me blow my brains out.
Why does she need rye bread? Does she think they don’t have any in Spain? Oh, not that kind. Come on, you’ll be eating desserts by the ton for dinner and cakes for lunch at cafes. No? Right.
Listen, you have two boobs and one ass. Why do you need six bikinis, or whatever those rags—really just piles of string—are called? Why piles of string? Because some strands of spaghetti would do just as good a job! What? They cover all the important bits? My dear, all your important bits will be spilling out all over the place. And for that money, you could get a whole spool of string. Fine, buy whatever you want! Me? I already got everything I need. Two swimsuits, sandals, and a bandana, just like I said. And two cartons of cigarettes. I don’t need anything else—I have shorts at home. Yes, I’m an animal.
And that’s how the whole day went. Just one long, never-ending marathon. We didn’t even stop for lunch since fast food is bad for you—too many carcinogens and additives. Sure, that’s true, but it’s also true that I have the right to a lunch break. They even get lunch in prison. And dinner. They get pasta…
Finally that night, I dropped Elvira off at her house, telling her that I’d paid off all the tribute we hadn’t been giving her people since the last time we were under their yoke. I got my last marching orders in reply.
“The flight is at 11:30 p.m., and we need to be at the airport an hour, no, an hour and a half beforehand, so I’ll get to your place at 9:30. I’ll call a taxi since you’d either forget or have us riding in some death trap. At 9:30—are you even listening to me? At 9:30 you need to be packed and standing in the hallway with your suitcase. Got it? Nod your head. Now tell me what you heard.”
“9:30 at the door with my suitcase. Can I go?”
“Yes.”
What if she got me to marry her? I decided I’d be better off with my winged woman. At least she was an idiot…
At home, it took just one gloomy look at the capsule to realize that the last thing I needed was some fighting. I checked my computer, nodded my head in satisfaction that I’d sent Mammoth the article that morning, and went to bed for what I knew could be my last good night’s sleep for ten days. Who knew what my favorite little Tartar steppe child would think of in Spain? Going to a nightclub, looking for local street racers, heading up into the Pyrenees to see the sunrise in the mountains and swim in a mountain stream…the possibilities were endless, though I was afraid they didn’t include much sleeping. I needed to rest up before we left.
I slept in and might have slept even longer if my stomach hadn’t growled to wake me up around 11 a.m. After a big breakfast and a smoke, I sat down to think about what else I had left to do before we flew out. I settled on two important things: call my parents to let them know that I’d be out of the country for ten days and deal with that band of pirates so I could find Horala’s signet ring.
I figured the one-legged port master would also give me a quest to take out the pirates—no need to visit a fortune teller for that one. I decided to start with reality and finish with my virtual world, though maybe I wouldn’t even get that far. We would see.
My parents were happy I was taking a trip. Rather, they weren’t as happy that I was going on a trip as they were that I wasn’t going alone. They regularly harped on about grandkids, and this time they were hoping that the rich sea air would have me thinking about making one. Right. I was afraid of Elvira enough as it was—if we had a baby girl together, I was a goner. I shivered.
I was just about to stick my phone in the pocket of my sweatpants when it rang. The screen read “Mammoth.”
“Yes, Semyon Ilyich?”
“Nikiforov, I got your article—good work. The whole cycle is good. Everyone’s reading them, and the clients are happy.”
“Clients?”
“Oh, lay off it—you knew all along. I think they even want to give you some kind of bonus.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“Certainly not bad. So stop in tomorrow—”
“I can’t tomorrow.”
“Why not?” Mammoth assumed a gentle tone that didn’t fool me for a second.
“I’m on vacation. You signed the form yourself.”
“I did? I don’t remember that.”
“Check with HR. Everything’s in order, and you can read the form if you want.”
“Okay, okay. Just make sure I can call you. There’s something really important we’re going to need to talk about. For your articles. Got it? I’ll be in touch.”
I hung up. Not so much as a “hello” or even “goodbye.” Quite the role model, I had to say.
But thanks for the heads-up, I thought, pulling the sim card out of my phone and dropping it onto a shelf. None of that. I was going completely off-grid. And if Elvira needed me, well, she had a knack for that as it was.
I packed my suitcase, grabbed a bite to eat, and checked the clock. It was 4 p.m., and I was out of things to do. There’s nothing worse than sitting and waiting, so I decided to jump into the capsule.
Nothing had changed on the island. Beautiful women flew back and forth under the trees, the sun was shining, and the leaves rustled in the breeze.
“You’re here!” Something blonde and blue-eyed swooped down on me. It was, of course, my betrothed, all prettied up in a white robe.
“Of course,” I answered soulfully. “How could I live without you? You’re my destiny.”
Elmilora blinked and appeared to be about ready to cry.
Maybe everything they say about blondes is true? I thought. I don’t generally believe in stereotypes, especially since I’ve seen a thing or two in my day, but that little creature had me rethinking that.
“Listen, sweetie…” I began.
Elmilora thought the better of bursting into tears, wiped her eyes, and came forward, letting me know that she was all ears.
“Your Supreme told me you’d take me to where those scary pirates are. Just without them noticing.”
“I’ll take you there,” the vila said with a willing nod of her head. “It isn’t far. They’re building a camp in a small valley that’s just on the other side of a hill from the marsh. There’s no guard on this side since they think the mountain is impassible. But I know about a path that’s tiny and deep, but crosses it. Well, it isn’t exactly a path. We don’t usually go that way since we fly and it isn’t good for wings. Aren’t my wings pretty?”
From that stream of consciousness, I concluded that, one way or another, I had a shot at our friends’ backs. But what should I do with the patrols? It would have been hard enough if they just had soldiers, but there was that nasty half-elf to deal with too…
“Hey, how did they kill your seer? Especially since you can fly?”
Elmilora frowned, and her eyes again filled with tears.
“She went to go talk with them. Just because. We don’t do anything bad to anyone else, and nobody does bad things to us. But they killed her. For no good reason.”
“Well, don’t worry about it; we’ll be killing them this time,” I said to reassure the girl.
“Yes, you’ll kill them all! You’re the best. And the strongest!”
Elmilora puffed out her cheeks and held a hand out in front of her as if she were holding a sword. If she was doing an imitation of me, I worried that the game was portraying me in a less-than-flattering light.
“Exactly!” I said. “Let’s go. Time to show me the mountain and the path.”
“Come on,” my bride said as she nodded her head and took off.
I don’t know if she took me the short way or not, but we were there, almost completely dry, in almost no time. A mountain rose smoothly out of the marsh where the latter ended. It wasn’t that tall, but still.
“Where’s the path, my dear?”
“There.” The vila flew over to a thick bush. I had no idea what it was called in the game, though it reminded me of a lilac bush. Or is it a lilac tree? Anyway.
“Crawl deep in there.”
I followed her directions and saw a small opening in the mountain. Once I stepped in, I realized that it was more the opening to a small, arched tunnel, at which point I realized what my bride meant by “deep” and why it wasn’t easy on her wings. I poked my head out of the tunnel.
“Elmilora, wait for me here. Don’t fly over to the other side, okay?”
“Sounds good,” she answered. “Whatever you say. Will you be long?”
“No.”
“Is it safe?”
“Yep.”
“Maybe I should come with you? I’ll be so worried!” The vila clasped her hands to her chest and batted her long eyelashes.
“Everything will be fine, just wait here,” I said before diving back into the tunnel.
I heard her voice calling after me, “Please be careful!”
She’s worried about me, I thought and paused for a second to enjoy the feeling. Then I turned to wonder why it wasn’t dark. I was in a tunnel, after all. Instead, there was a good bit of light filtering in. The answer was simple: it was only about twenty strides from one end to the other, and the light coming in from both ends was enough to keep the whole tunnel fairly well lit.
The tunnel exit on the other side of the cliff—it was definitely more a cliff than a mountain, as my bride had led me to believe—was also masked with shrubbery. I crawled through it, sincerely hoping that I wouldn’t find a snake and doing my best to keep the leaves from moving. Suddenly, the view in front of me opened up onto a meadow twenty meters or so below me. I appeared to be on an overhang that jutted out over a deep cave.
How did I know it was a cave? I could clearly hear two voices below me, though I couldn’t see their owners. One of them was obviously in charge, and the other was quieter. The band’s leaders evidently enjoyed more comfort than the rest of them.
I glanced across the meadow and saw a picture-perfect pirate camp that looked like it could have been pulled straight from an adventure story or movie. About five bandits were lounging on the grass or walking around dressed in exotic clothing. Two more were roasting a boar over a fire; one kept it rotating, while the other jabbed at it with a knife.
You completed a quest: Quieter than Grass.
To get your reward, go see the port master and tell him what you saw.
Reward:
400 experience
Additional reward: A cutlass from Neils Holgerrson’s collection.
Plus guards in the woods, I thought to myself. Seven here, at least three in the woods, and two more in the cave. Not good. There’s no way I can take them on myself—and it’ll even take a pretty strong group. Okay, I’ll head back to Mettan and try to think of something.
I inched my way back to the tunnel just as stealthily as I’d left it, made my way through the tunnel, and walked out to see Elmilora sitting on a rock with her arms wrapped around her knees.
“Waiting for me?” I smiled at her.
She nodded. “Yup!”
“Okay, show me how to get out of the marsh.”
She chattered on about something or other the whole way there. I wasn’t particularly listening, as I about what to do next.
I had three options. The first was to forget both quests and keep going to the next town. In that case, I’d only come back once I was capable of taking out the pirate band by myself. The second was to ask my clan for help. The third was to screw it all and give up on the game. After all, there was nothing keeping me playing anymore. None of my choices were optimal, but they did all have their advantages.
I didn’t want to forget the quests since they both gave me obvious benefits. Plus, that Supreme was more than your ordinary NPC. She knew quite a bit, and the quest gave me a 10 percent reputation bump with her. Asking my clan for help was the last thing I wanted to do. I’d already dipped into that well, and soon they’d all just laugh at me for being so needy.
But giving up…well, sure, I could. Maybe later. Not yet.
I soon found that we’d made it to the edge of the marsh.
“I’ll be waiting for you,” said Elmilora. “And missing you.”
“Me, too. Don’t you worry. I’ll be back before you know it. By the way, how can I find you? It’s a big marsh, and I don’t want to have to comb it looking for you.”
“You can use my name?” My bride looked at me in surprise. “Just come to the edge of the marsh and call for me. I’ll fly right over.”
“Okay,” I said. “See you soon.”
And off I headed in the direction of the city.
“I’ll be waiting for you here!” Elmilora said to my retreating figure.
I wasted no time when I got to Mettan and immediately went to see Holgerrson. On the porch outside the door, I bumped into a broad-shouldered barbarian warrior on his way out.
“Hey, Holgerrson,” I said to the old sea dog, “we have to talk.”
“There sure are a lot of you today, bilges and brass,” he said. “What do you need?”
“The same. I found the pirate camp, and there are more than a few of them.”
“Ah-ha, so you found them, too. Well done!”
You completed a quest: Quieter than Grass.
You received a reward:
400 experience
Additional reward: A cutlass from Neils Holgerrson’s collection.
“Here you go.” Neils hobbled over to the wall and pulled down a cutlass in a black sheath with gold trim. “I promised you, so here you are. A sailor’s word is his bond forever. Barnacles and bosons!”
I took the cutlass and looked at it.
Neils Holgerrson’s Cutlass
Reputation item
Show this cutlass to the port master of any city on the Crisna to get a discount on river passage.
The amount of the discount depends on your reputation in the cities on the Great River.
It was a good thing I came to see him; the cutlass was handy to have. I wondered if Holgerrson, himself, would give me an additional discount if I showed it to him.
“So, there are a lot of pirates?” The sailor had already gone back to the topic at hand.
“Yes, maybe ten, with a leader.” I pursed my lips in annoyance.
“We need to get rid of them, but I don’t have anyone I can ask to do it. I’m a leg short, and the mayor’s a useless octopus.”
“A what?”
“An octopus. Can’t tell his head from his…well…behind. And the Royal Guard is off somewhere. What do you say, want to help out the city and port? I’ll make it worth your while. You’ll have some gold and even something else from me coming your way.”
You have a new quest offer: Get Rid of the Land Pirates.
Task: Kill the band of pirates robbing traders on the Great River close to Mettan.
Reward:
1100 experience
800 gold
An item from Neils Holgerrson’s storehouse.
+10% to your reputation in Mettan
Warning
This quest will be almost impossible to complete on your own. You should probably take 4-5 friends with you.
Accept?
Did I have a choice? I accepted. One way or another, I had to take out the gang.
“So what will you give me?” I asked, my interest piqued.
“I have all kinds of stuff in my storehouse. Some people lose things, and I get some things left over after those trader
s are robbed. There’s always something there for a warrior.”
“That’s good. But where can I find someone to go with me?”
“What, you don’t have any good friends?”
“Sure, I do, though none of them are around here.”
“You know, did you see the warrior who was leaving when you got here?”
“Yes,” I said, looking at him carefully.
“I just asked him to do the same thing, and I think he had a group with him.”
Actually, yes. I’d noticed a few people hanging around the port building when I got there.
“Thanks, Captain. Let’s hope they’re still here.”
“See you, sonny boy. Hurry up!”
The old sea dog whistled through his nose as he puffed away at his pipe.
I rushed out onto the porch and looked around. The warrior I’d bumped into was standing with his back to me in a group of four other players. They were already close to the city gate and in the middle of discussing something hotly.
“Hey, guys!” I called them as I ran over, worried that they were about to walk out the gates. Who knows how long it would have taken me to find them in the forest…
The warrior turned around. “Are you talking to us?”
His name was Olgerd, and he was a Level 40 swordsman who was obviously in charge of the group.
“Yes. Do you have a quest to kill the pirates in the woods, too?”
“What do you care?” Olgerd asked coldly.
I decided not to be clever. “There are five of you and ten of them, maybe another two, then two more in the cave and who knows how many on patrol. Don’t you think that’s a lot for you?”
“It’ll be tough,” said a halfling scout named Bulkins with a sigh.
Besides him and Olgerd, there were also two human warriors in the group and an archer elf named Farainil. I chuckled to myself at the stereotype—if you’re an archer, you’re going to be an elf. That’s just how it was.
“I have that quest, too,” I said, cutting to the chase. “I’d be happy to come with you unless you only want clan members. An extra sword certainly wouldn’t hurt you, and I wouldn’t have to find my own group. You know how tricky that will be around here.”
“Why not, Olgerd?” asked a warrior named Reger. “We’ll get the same experience, and we can figure things out with the reputation bonus later.”
More Than a Game Page 31
