Jackson has gone out to get us some fish and chips for lunch and I’m enjoying listening to his ‘chill list’ while I pack up the contents of his kitchen. Jackson has a great eye for interior design; packing up his belongings assures me of that. He has some fantastic pieces that I can’t wait to see adorning our new home. He’s brought everything over to the dining table so that I can sit while I wrap things in newspaper. I’m still on crutches and he reminds me about fifty times a day that I have to take it easy.
It’s not just my body that needs time to heal. I’d just gotten used to the idea of becoming a mother when it was taken away, it hurts every day but it’s getting easier with each one that passes. Jackson and I took some time to analyse each of our reactions to the pregnancy and the things we said to each other. He apologised almost hourly for about three days for the things that he said. Neither of us has repeated his words from that night and I don’t think we ever will.
We know now that one day we will have children, but for now we’re going to enjoy being young and in love and living in one of the greatest cities in the world.
Jackson must have forgotten his keys as he soon knocks the door, I wouldn’t mind but in my current state it takes forever for me to get there.
“COMING!” I call as I struggle up on to my crutches and make my way to the door, “You are truly usel…What are you doing here?”
I can’t believe what I’m seeing. How Sasha has the audacity to show her face here, it’s beyond me.
“Oh hello Rosie. Gosh what happened to you?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, “I need to see Jackson please.”
She is certainly more polite than the last time I saw her but if she thinks she’s going to be allowed in, she’s crazy.
“Tough! You’re not welcome Sasha. And he’s not here so can you leave please.”
I can’t help but notice that she looks different. Her hair is slightly longer and lighter than the harsh black bob that she used to sport. She’s wrapped up as though it’s the middle of winter and is wearing hardly any make up. She really is very pretty without her bitch mask on, that thought angers me.
“I’m sorry Rosie, but I really have to speak with him. I’ll wait!”
“What do you want?” I hear Jackson’s voice as he approaches up the corridor, “I told you not to get in touch Sasha!”
I know Jackson is in control so I make my way back to the table but I’m not sitting down. I’d rather struggle on crutches than show any sign of weakness in front of her. Jackson makes his way over to me as Sasha follows him into the flat. I throw him a look that says ‘I’m not sitting down so don’t try and make me” and he shakes his head on a deep breath, then kisses me on the temple as Sasha starts to speak.
“Jackson, I know I’m not welcome here and I’m sorry but I had to see you. We need to talk…privately.”
The cheeky cow, she thinks she can show up here and get a one to one with my man, the man she practically raped? I don’t think so!
“Sasha, if you’ve got something to say just say it. I don’t have secrets from Rosie.”
I smile inwardly at his words and start to wrap another vase. My leg and back are aching as I lean against the dining table for support but I try to ignore it and stand strong, wanting to appear completely uninterested in what Sasha has to say.
“JJ please, just trust me on this. It would be better in private!” Sasha tries to urge Jackson to shut me out but he refuses, “I’m marrying Rosie! Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of her. Spit it out or leave”
“Fine Jackson, but I warned you!” I glance up as she starts to remove her coat, “I’m pregnant JJ, and it’s yours!”
I lose control of my limbs and fall backwards into the chair as the vase that I was wrapping shatters around my feet. Jackson rushes to me and I see Sasha walk further into the flat behind him. I am stunned. Is she telling the truth? I can’t even form words…
“Rosie, are you ok? I really don’t know what is going on, I’m sorry.” Jackson is looking me in the eye and speaking in almost a whisper. I know what he’s thinking, ‘please don’t leave me.’
I’m going nowhere.
“Why are you doing this Sasha? Why are you determined to ruin my relationship? Even if Rosie and I weren’t together I wouldn’t be with you so stop this!” Jackson doesn’t sound angry, he sounds desperate. I look up as Sasha removes more of her winter layers, she is definitely pregnant, and by the look of her she doesn’t have long to go, “Sash, please stop this!”
“Jackson I’m sorry but this baby is yours! I didn’t know about it until after Thailand and I was going to tell you at the wedding but you were with her...”
“ROSIE!” Now he sounds angry, “Yes. Rosie!” I can hear the venom as she says my name, “So I didn’t tell you, I didn’t want to ruin the wedding. Then you wouldn’t take my calls or see me and I wasn’t sure what to do. When you came to me that day I had a glimmer of hope,” She looks at me and smirks, I bet she thinks I don’t know, “But then you left. I wasn’t going to tell you at all after that. But I’m carrying your child Jackson and you deserve the chance to be a dad!”
I feel really sick, he had the chance to be a dad and I gave it to him, then I took it away. I really think I’m going to throw up. I struggle up onto my crutches, forgetting the shattered glass on the floor and wincing as I place my bare feet down.
“Rosie! Are you alright?” Jackson turns his attention to me again. He is pale and wide eyed, “I need to go to the bathroom!” I say quietly and Jackson picks me up and lifts me over the glass, he starts to walk toward the bathroom with me in his arms but I stop him, “No! Just pass me my crutches please!” He looks at me, confused and understanding at the same time and does as I asked.
I head into the bathroom and just sit on the closed toilet. I try to breathe but as I realise what’s just happened my breath becomes fast and I’m struggling to get it under control. I am hot, really hot and starting to panic.
She’s having his child!
The thought makes its way into every corner of my mind and the tears come like a deluge. I can’t do anything to stop them, and wouldn’t if I could.
After what seems like an eternity there’s a knock at the bathroom door, “Rosie, can I come in please?” I know that it’s Jackson but the voice is not one that I recognise, it’s tired and deflated. “She’s gone, please let me in.”
“It’s open.”
I manage to speak before my breath catches in my throat again and I am sobbing as Jackson pushes open the door, covering my face with my hands in an attempt to hide the pain that I’m feeling. This is the second time that he’s seen me like this, crying in his bathroom. The first time was because I was carrying his baby, this time it’s because someone else is.
“Rosie, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I can even say but please don’t shut me out. I love you so much; I can’t lose you over this!”
I want to scream at him to shut up but instead I just cry harder. Jackson falls silent; he just sits on the edge of the bath and lets me pour out my sadness. I feel sick and I have to rush to move off the toilet quickly when my stomach churns. I don’t know if it’s the crying or the shock but I can’t stop myself from throwing up, and I don’t care that Jackson is right there next to me.
“Rosie, talk to me please”
Without me realising, Jackson has moved and is sitting close to me on the bathroom floor. My heart breaks when I look into his eyes, he is like a startled deer in headlights. He looks so lost as he tries to process all that has been said, terrified that something is threatening our relationship yet again and clearly concerned about me. I want to hold him and tell him that it’ll all be ok, but I need answers.
“When did this happen Jackson? She looks more than four months gone so it can’t have happened while you were away and we’ve been together six, seven if you count Thailand, so when?” I don’t mean to but as my mind whirrs I feel my anger growing and my words becoming sharper.
“When you got home before Christmas and were begging me for another shot, were you fucking her? I don’t know why I’m surprised; you clearly have a weakness when it comes to Sasha. Maybe this is your chance, go and play happy families and get to shag the woman you really want instead of the cripple you’re stuck with!”
He looks at me and shakes his head. He doesn’t know what to say, that much is clear in his eyes. He scratches the back of his head and takes a deep breath, and then he starts to speak.
“I guess I have nothing to lose here do I?” Jackson sounds resigned to telling me the whole sordid truth and I brace for impact. I need to hear it but I don’t think I want to…
“First of all Rosie I promise you that you know everything that’s happened between Sasha and me since the day that I met you. Since we came home from Thailand I’ve thought of nothing and nobody but you!”
He looks into my eyes and I know that he’s telling the truth, I stare at my hands as I twist my fingers together and he goes on.
“I guess I might as well start at the beginning.” He takes a breath, “I was a bastard at uni Rosie and I took pleasure in being that way. I knew that she liked me but it was all about the control for me, she was a go to lay and I knew she’d come running whenever I called.”
I hate hearing this, the thought of his life before me turns my stomach, but I let him go on.
“Before you, I was all about getting my end away and Sasha was always a sure thing. So whenever I was horny or bored, I called her. We were friends and she’d see me with other girls all the time but she never cut me off, it was too easy. I was in and out of different beds practically every night, but if I didn’t get lucky I’d turn up at her door or call her to mine. She’s kicked guys out to let me in more than once. It seems a lifetime ago now Rosie, I was a prat but I was young.”
Jackson takes a deep breath and I know we’re getting close to him giving me some real answers, “I hadn’t slept with her for months but the night before we flew to Thailand in November I couldn’t sleep. I knew I had to get up early to get to the airport and the only thing guaranteed to make me sleep was sex. You have to understand that before you I never talked to the girl I was with; I never cuddled or had play fights, none of the stuff that we do. I would have a girl over and then usually ask her to leave after I was finished. Sasha knew the routine and that’s why I kept going back, there was no hassle. I called her that night, she was at a Halloween party but she left to come to me. We had sex, she left and then the next morning I met you and everything changed.”
I start to slowly sob as reality dawns on me, I’m devastated. The baby that we conceived in love is gone and one conceived on a booty call is well on its way to being born. Jackson tries to pull me into his arms but I push him away, “I can’t Jackson, not right now.” He backs off and leans back against the side of the bath, “Please Rosie, I don’t want this. It was before I met you. Please don’t leave me.” He speaks so softly as though he is completely exhausted.
“Is this baby really yours? I mean could it be anyone else’s?”
“I don’t know Rosie. I thought we’d been careful but now I’m so confused, I don’t think Sasha was sleeping with anyone else at the time, I don’t think she’d say it was mine unless she was sure.”
We sit in silence in the bathroom for a while before I gather my strength and compose myself.
“I just don’t understand why we keep being tested. One thing after another pops up and tests the strength of our relationship. Maybe someone is trying to tell us something, it shouldn’t be this hard Jackson.”
I look into Jackson’s eyes pleading for some insight but he is as lost as I am, maybe more. I tip my head back to dismiss the gathering tears and blow out a long shaky breath.
“We agreed after the accident that we could face anything together, as long as we stick together. That’s not going to change now.” Jackson looks at me as I speak, he can’t believe that I’m not running but he still looks torn. “We’ll support the child Jackson, but we’ll do it as a couple. You need to tell Sasha that I am going to be by your side through this, if she thinks this is her opportunity to get her claws in she is sorely mistaken!”
There’s nothing more to say and Jackson knows not to push his luck. We sit in silence for a while, letting everything sink in as my head starts to pound. After a while Jackson stands and lifts me from the bathroom floor.
“I’m sorry Rosie”
He passes me my crutches and makes his way out of the bathroom.
I sit on the sofa as Jackson dials her number, as he starts to talk more tears escape and I start to sob. My hand comes to rest on my stomach as I listen to Jackson talking to Sasha on the phone, stating the terms of our agreement to the woman giving him what I couldn’t.
I’m not sure that I have the strength to get through this, but I have to try.
“Rosie, this is too much. I can’t deal with it!”
Pippa is surprisingly restrained as I tell her about Sasha. She came over to help me pack but all we’ve done so far is nurse a cup of coffee each until they’re too cold to drink and I’ve told her everything that happened yesterday. Jackson has had to go into the magazine today, he really didn’t want to leave me but I told him I needed some space.
“Pip, I’m numb. It’s just one thing after another with us. I can’t even cry anymore, I ran out of tears at some point in the early hours of this morning.”
“Rosie, you know I love Jackson. Even after everything, but this is too much!” She shakes her head and starts to cry. Pippa…crying! “I don’t understand why this has been so hard for you. You’re perfect for each other and absolutely terrible together at the same time. I think you need to walk away from this Rosie, I think it’s going to ruin you!”
She’s wiping away tears and I know that she doesn’t want me and Jackson to be finished any more than I do, but she’s right, it is too much. I reach out and hold her hand as we hear keys in the lock.
“I wanted to check…Oh Pip, hi!” Jackson is sheepish as he spots Pippa on the sofa with me and I can tell that he knows I’ve told her everything. He’s still as he waits, unsure what to do or say.
“You’ve excelled yourself this time James!” Pippa stands and I don’t have the strength or mobility to stop her, “How many warnings do you need?”
“Pippa, I didn’t know anything about this. I’m in shock too!” Pippa is being unfair; he didn’t know Sasha was pregnant. But she’s always been over-protective of me.
“If you love that girl,” she points at me, “Walk away and let her have a life without a new heartbreak every month. You bastard Jackson! Why didn’t you just keep it in your pants?” Jackson opens his mouth to respond but she continues. “I can’t fucking look at you! Rosie, I can’t be near him I’ve got to go. I’m sorry. Love you.”
“Pippa for fucks sake, this happened before I even met Rosie! Am I supposed to apologise for every mistake I’ve ever made? Come on then,” Jackson is yelling now, “let’s have a fucking competition, you can give me a run for my money in the screwing around stakes!”
Before I’ve even looked up I hear the sound of Pippa’s hand against Jackson’s face. She is shaking with anger and Jackson just laughs. He’s so calm, it’s frightening.
“Get the fuck out Pip!” He points at the door and she looks at me, I’m completely in shock and can’t speak. “OUT!”
Pippa leans down to pick up her bag and looks at me with tears in her eyes, “Get out while your heart is in one piece Rosie, please!”
CHAPTER THREE
It’s been three weeks since Sasha broke the news of the pregnancy. Rosie has been amazingly strong and seems to be coping with it all a lot better than me, on the surface at least. I see the fake smile she paints on though, and the way she rests her hand on her tummy whenever Sasha or the baby is mentioned. I’ve heard her crying when she thinks I’m asleep but I have let her have those moments, private and uninterrupted. I can’t bare the pain that I’ve caused
her.
Marrying Mr Write Page 3
