Ravenous

by L. L. Collins

  “Raven.” Breck stopped me from continuing. “I’m not at all perfect. Please don’t put me on that pedestal, because I’ll fall off. Everyone has a past. We all have insecurities and things that have shaped the people we are today. For me, I’ve always struggled with feelings of inadequacy when it comes to Porter. My parents never did anything to make me feel that way, but Porter has always been an enigma. I swore he came out of the womb bossing me around and snapping his fingers and making people fall into line. He’s ruthless when he wants something.” Breck paused just long enough for the rock of guilt to settle in my stomach again.

  Breck thought he was inferior to his brother. And here I sat, keeping it from him that his brother propositioned me, and I turned him down. But I wasn’t sure if that was something I had to disclose, since I didn’t take him up on it. On the same token, however, I did have some feelings for Porter. I didn’t understand them, and I knew it wasn’t the same thing I felt when I was around Breck, but they were still there.

  “I could see that about him,” I said, thinking of all the “convincing” he tried to do to get me to do what he wanted, and how I’d seriously contemplated his offer. I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure I understood why I declined, other than the man sitting in front of me baring his soul.

  Breck watched me for a moment, and I wondered if he would ask the question in his eyes.

  “What is it?”

  Breck shook his head. “Nothing. I don’t want to know.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He let out a breath in slow, steady puffs. “Just tell me you didn’t sleep with him.” He held up a hand. “Wait. Don’t tell me.”

  I had to answer him, because the pain etched on his face was too great not to. “No, Breck. I never did.”

  It was like a weight just lifted from his shoulders. He sat up straighter and his eyes sparkled. I didn’t understand it, but I guessed he thought I slept with his brother, too. I wondered if I should be offended, but I decided I shouldn’t. I went home with him and had sex with him, so the question was valid. “I know he wants you. I can’t believe he didn’t convince you to fall for him.” He shook his head like he tried to wrap his brain around that. “I want to tell you something. I’ve never told anyone this.”

  “Okay.” I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say and wondered if it was another Army story. I had a million questions and wanted to know everything about what it was like to be in the military, but I knew it was a touchy subject. I also knew he suffered from some anxiety and bad dreams.

  “When I was a senior in high school, while Porter was busy with college life, I was dating this girl named Dahlia. We were serious for being teenagers. I enlisted and Porter and my parents were shocked. I mean, they knew I loved JROTC in high school, but I think they thought it was a fad. The thing is, I never felt like I belonged more in my life than when I was part of that. Anyway, I thought I was in love with her. It was more than likely puppy love, or just the fact that I hadn’t had a connection like that with someone ever in my life. She seemed to love me for me and not because I was Porter’s twin, if that makes sense. When I left for basic training, I asked Porter to take care of her for me.” Breck rolled his eyes. “Well, as you can imagine from what you know of Porter, what he thought I meant by take care of her was a little different than what I intended. He never knew what commitment was and didn’t want any part of it. He also thought that what was mine was also his.

  “So, when I came home from overseas on leave, I was beyond stoked to see Dahlia. We’d been writing letters and talked on the phone a few times while I was gone, and we were still as close to as we were before I left. I was convinced she was it for me and we would get married and have a family. The guys I was with, most of them had serious girlfriends, fiancées, or wives. It was like they needed something to be connected to, to make sure they had a driving reason to stay alive.” Breck stopped, and I knew what would come next was painful for him.

  “I didn’t tell anyone I was coming home so I could surprise them. I walked into my parents’ house knowing more than likely no one would be there. It was the middle of the day, but I had a plan to go see Dahlia and come back at dinnertime, but first I wanted a hot shower and a meal. Our kitchen overlooked our backyard, where the pool was and the Gulf of Mexico. We had a cabana that was mostly private.

  “I saw movement outside and thought maybe Porter was home and not at school, after all. I walked out to see if it was him and stopped right in my tracks. It was him, all right. He was fucking Dahlia, my girlfriend, in the cabana. I watched long enough to know it was her when she called out his name as she scratched her nails down his back, and he yelled her name when he came. The second it was verified, I left and went back. No one ever knew I was home.”

  “Breck.” I covered his hands with mine, my gut churning with the pain he must’ve felt. “Did you ever tell him what you saw?”

  “No. There wasn’t a point.”

  “But why? I don’t understand. If Porter did things like this and you didn’t like it, why didn’t you tell him?”

  Breck shrugged. “I don’t know. I never have. I’ve always let him do whatever he wants.”

  “So to this day, he doesn’t know you saw him?”

  “No. I broke it off with Dahlia once I got back overseas, and last I knew she was married with four kids and lives in California. Once I broke up with her, Porter stopped ‘taking care of her.’”

  I furrowed my brow. This was a side of Porter I didn’t like. I wasn’t sure how anyone could be blind enough to not see the pain they inflicted on their twin brother. It seemed his family made excuses for his self-absorbed behavior. I made a mental note to talk to Porter about it. Someone needed to clue him in on these things, even if I never named specific instances. I wouldn’t break Breck’s trust like that. “So he’s never had any sort of real girlfriend?” His proposition started to make more and more sense, and I was relieved I didn’t take him up on it despite how much money I would’ve had. I knew now all I would’ve done was add to the hurt Porter inflicted on Breck most of their lives.

  “He did. Once. I can’t talk about it, but she solidified his reason to never be serious again.”

  “You should talk to him about it.”

  “It was forever ago,” Breck said. “But then you came along, and so many of those feelings started resurfacing.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Breck sighed. “I’m going to sound pathetic right now, and I’m fully aware I will. So I apologize in advance.”

  I didn’t think it was possible for him to be “pathetic.”

  “Not possible,” I said. “Please, talk to me.”

  Breck smiled, making my heart constrict with a feeling I wasn’t sure I liked. It made me want to stand up and shake it off, but I forced myself to accept it, file it away, and figure out what it meant later.

  “That night, before I even knew you were Porter’s date, I saw you walking across the ballroom, and I couldn’t stop myself from watching you. There was just something about you. You’re gorgeous, of course, but it wasn’t that. I’m fully aware it sounds ridiculous, but I felt a connection with you. You never even saw me, but I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Hell, I didn’t even know your name. Then you turned and walked to Porter, and it was true irony. Porter always gets whatever he wants, and that was a prime example. I mean, what were the odds the one woman I saw was already there with my brother.”

  He didn’t get me, I wanted to say, but I knew I didn’t want to get into it with him. Brecken Kingsley wanted me from the time he saw me, which was a hard pill for me to swallow. I believed him when he said it was more than attraction, because there wasn’t a disingenuous bone in his body.

  “That’s why I hired you to go to the beach party with me,” he said. “I didn’t need a date, I wanted to see you. Once Porter told me he got called to work the night you escorted him, and I knew nothing happened with the two of you, it was all I could think about.” />
  “Why?” I thought I knew the answer, but while we were being honest, I wanted to hear it from him.

  “I didn’t want to be second fiddle to him again. I knew he got you first, and it was just luck of the draw that he hired you to be his date. But if you chose to be with him all night, I knew I couldn’t go down that road again. It’s my fault I don’t tell Porter it bothers me, so I’ve learned to try to alleviate the problem by staying away from anyone Porter may want. But this time, despite knowing Porter wanted you in his bed, I had to try.”

  I nodded, that damn boulder of guilt settling in my stomach again. I knew I should confess everything about what had been between Porter and me, but I wasn’t sure how or if it was even my place to get involved between the two of them.

  “So I got the guts to ask Porter for the number of the escort service. I even told him I wanted to hire you. But it didn’t bother him, because nothing having to do with women does. He stakes no claim to anyone, so he doesn’t understand the emotions that become involved. This is why I never went there with him.”

  “So you called Penny and hired me.” I was riveted by his story and wanted to sit there the rest of the night and listen to him talk. No one had ever been this interested in me. Well, they’d been interested in taking me to bed, sure. But to want me—that was new.

  Breck nodded. “It was the perfect excuse—to take you to the beach party. When you agreed to do it, I got all nervous. I didn’t know if I made the right choice. I mean, I got you there by a ruse and lied about who I was. I was worried about what you’d think of me and if you’d think I was a whack job.”

  I laughed and then Breck did too, both of us remembering that day at the beach. I leaned over before I could think too much about it and pressed my lips to his quickly. The heat of his body set me on fire, and I instantly wanted to climb into his lap and cease all talking. But that’s not what we were there for, and I had to keep the hormones at bay. There were way more important things happening here. “You’re absolutely not a ‘whack job.’ Far, far from it,” I whispered against his lips. “I’m glad you hired me that day. I knew from the moment I realized you weren’t Porter—or Preston—there was something about you,” I admitted.

  Breck stared into my eyes, his light ones transmitting heat, desire, and something I wasn’t sure I could read correctly. He lifted my chin with his fingers and feathered them against my cheek. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Raven. I don’t want to scare you, and I don’t want to move too fast, but I want you. I want this. I don’t mean a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits. I mean you. You and me. The sex is out of this world, but I don’t want you to think that has anything to do with what I’m saying. I know our chemistry is what got us here, but it’s not the reason I have you sitting across from me right now.”

  I sat back, my mouth dry and my heartbeat whooshing in my ears at his admission. It reminded me of being at Porter’s, listening to him proposition me. Except this time, his twin brother poured out his feelings to me and gave me a different kind of proposition. One that could be serious. “Breck—”

  He put his finger over my lips. “Don’t say anything yet. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I know it’s too soon. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t play games. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had any desire to be more with anyone in any capacity. Do you believe in fate, Raven?”

  I shrugged, his finger still on my lips. He smirked and then removed his finger. “I would like to say I do, but I’m not sure. Does that then mean I was meant to be born to a drug-addicted mother?” I couldn’t comment on him saying he wanted more just yet. I had to process that and see what I thought about it. Porter’s words about his brother reverberated around my head, and I knew he was right. Breck was forever, while Porter was the complete opposite. Yet, what did that say for me when I turned Porter down and sat here with Breck, listening to him pour out his heart to me?

  Breck nodded. “I can understand that. Well, whether it is fate or circumstance or just being in the right place at the right time, I can’t deny that despite everything, something keeps putting us back in each other’s path. I tried ignoring it, pushing it aside, and it’s still front and center in my mind. So let’s take it as slowly as you need, Raven. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I felt the same about the strange coincidences that kept putting both Kingsley brothers in my path, but there was just something about Breck. It was like he was a comfortable, warm blanket on a cold day, but at the same time, he climbed under the blanket with me and set every nerve ending I had on fire.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said. “I feel like a fool right now.”

  “Don’t.” I put my hand on his. “I’m just overwhelmed by everything you said, but definitely not in a bad way. I know there’s something between us, but to be one hundred percent honest, it scares me to death. I have so much going on right now, with trying to settle Chrissy, start my senior year in a few weeks, and…”

  “I don’t want to be a source of stress for you, Raven. I don’t want to scare you, either. There’s no pressure. We can go as fast or slow as you want. I just don’t want to lose you. I’ve spent months thinking about you and wishing I knew what went wrong so I could make it right. Now that I know it wasn’t about me but about you and what you went through, I want to be here for you. Let me be here.”

  “Oh, Breck.” I scooted closer to him again and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry. It’s all me. I don’t know how to handle things sometimes. Let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?”

  He reached for me and pulled me until I straddled his lap. My thoughts went immediately to the last time I was in his house with him, and I involuntarily scooted closer to where I wanted to be.

  “Uh-uh. Don’t do that.” Breck kissed me softly, nuzzling his nose against mine.

  “Do what?”

  “Get that look on your face. I told you I wasn’t having sex with you tonight, and I’m not, you little vixen. I think of that night too, Raven. Every damn day I walk into this room, the kitchen, my bathroom, or my bedroom. I can’t get away from the images of you that night, but I’m going to hold onto those images tonight, too, because we’re talking.”

  I ran my hands along both sides of his head through his short hair. “How do you read my mind?”

  “Don’t you know yet? I see you, Raven.”

  Tingles spread through my body at his simple words. I see you. I wasn’t sure when, if ever, someone had truly seen me, but I believed him. He did see me.

  I rolled over and stared at the moonlight reflecting through the blinds onto my ceiling. After getting home from Breck’s house after midnight, I probably rolled around no less than fifty times trying to make my brain shut off and go to sleep. Sleep hadn’t found me yet, and I was rather sure it wouldn’t at this point. Both Emma and Chrissy had grilled me about what happened, and while I gave Emma more details than Chrissy, they both now knew I was kind of seeing Breck.

  The thought of it made my stomach turn with uncertain nerves.

  I wanted it. I did. I would never agree to anything I didn’t want, but I was more terrified than excited at this point. Terrified Breck would figure out I wasn’t the woman he thought I was, terrified I would have feelings for him I didn’t know how to handle.

  Terrified. Period.

  I glanced at the red number on my alarm clock. 4:30 in the morning. I wonder if Breck is sleeping. I had kicked myself multiple times since I came home, but after we had spent the night talking and getting to know each other, I felt raw and exposed. Despite it being a good thing, I was scared to sleep in his arms. It was more intimate than I had ever been with anyone, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. I needed time to process all that we had bared to each other. When I told him I wanted to go home, he didn’t pressure me to stay or act upset. He just did what I wanted, no questions. No pressure.

  Breck talked for hours about Army life and some of the things he saw
and did when he was deployed. It was heart wrenching and sad to hear about all the people he lost that he cared about and the anxiety and nightmares that still plagued him. On top of it all, he missed it. He thought he belonged there and they got him. I could identify with that because other than Emma and Chrissy, very few people got me.

  But maybe, just maybe, Breck got me, too.

  I told him about growing up and some of the things I never told anyone about being the kid of a drug addict. While it was hard, he never gave me the impression that he felt sorry for me. I hated pity.

  Best of all, when we talked, I was so comfortable with him. Lulls in conversation were never stilted or weird, and it was natural to open up to him. I tried not to think too much about that, but I admitted to myself that it was a milestone.

  I picked up my phone to text Breck to see if he was sleeping when I saw a text from Porter.

  Call me when you wake up, please.

  I wondered if Breck told him I went to his house, but I doubted that. Breck loved his brother, but I knew he felt territorial over his claim to me.

  Not that he had any claim to me, but Porter always got what he wanted. I thought back to Porter’s proposition and how hard I thought about doing it.

  The text came in just thirty minutes ago. Porter must’ve been working late again. Before I could think too much about why he might be contacting me, I typed out a quick response.

  You still awake?

  Porter answered almost immediately.

  Just got home. What are you doing up?

  Can’t sleep, I responded.

  I wish I could sleep. I’m exhausted.

  I smiled. Porter was the hardest working type-A-personality guy I’d ever known. He probably loved every second of being married to his job, as he so eloquently put it. This was also why he was nationally known at such a young age.

  So stop talking to me and go to sleep.

  Can’t. Too wired to sleep. Did a groundbreaking procedure tonight. Remember the one I spoke about at the benefit?