Ravenous

by L. L. Collins

  I thought back to the medical jargon he spewed that night. Yes. That’s so cool. All of a sudden, I knew what I needed to do.

  Hey. Can I come over? I want to talk to you about something.

  Of course. I’ll make breakfast.

  I hadn’t seen Porter since the night he propositioned me, but this had to be done. I had to tell him in person and talk to him about Breck.

  I’ll be there in thirty minutes.

  I put my phone down and walked to the bathroom to shower. I lifted my shirt over my head and stopped, pulling it to my nose instead. It smelled like Breck’s aftershave, and I stood there seeming like a fool until I couldn’t smell it anymore.

  I knew what it was. For the first time since I met the Kingsley brothers, I knew what my feelings meant. It all clicked into place like the final piece of the hardest puzzle you’d ever seen. Like you were searching for the piece that was right in front of you the whole time, and you felt like a fool for missing it.

  I would put Porter behind me today. He would know he needed to talk to his brother and that I was seeing him. I would tell him the truth, no matter how hard it might be, about what my feelings meant and why I let things go on with him for way longer than I should’ve.

  Then we could move forward.

  I was always so damn nervous coming to this monstrosity of a house. After leaving Emma and Chrissy a note that I had an early appointment, I made it to Porter’s house in record time. It was just before six in the morning and not many people were out on the roads yet, which made Tampa traffic more bearable.

  Porter swung the door open the second I stepped from my new-to-me car. It was by far the nicest car I had ever owned but was nothing compared to Porter’s Maserati, or the garage full of other sports cars I didn’t know the names of.

  He whistled. “Damn. I sure as hell could get used to seeing you at this time of day. Preferably naked, but this will do.” Porter wiggled his eyebrows at me. I laughed despite the real reason I was here. Porter was Porter, all the time.

  I glanced down at my white capris and blouse and shook my head. “You’re insufferable.”

  Porter shrugged. “I know. I don’t deny it. I’ve missed you, Raven. You’re looking gorgeous as usual. You wouldn’t be up for a before-breakfast snack, would you?”

  My gut tightened at his words, and I hated to admit that desire coursed through my body at the way he stared at me like I was his next meal.

  But it only took a mental reminder of what I was doing here to throw a bucket of cold water on my traitorous libido. Porter was a playboy. He would give me just a part of him. Never the whole thing. And I never thought I wanted that, but I was figuring things out about myself. I started to crave someone knowing more than just what made me scream their name.

  I wanted someone to know me.

  I pushed Porter’s chest so he would step back and let me inside. “I’m not here for that, Port.”

  He grumbled. “Well, a man can hope, can’t he? It’s not often—or ever—that I get a woman like you at my house before dawn.” He indicated his groin. “He can’t help it if he was excited to have a visitor.”

  “Porter Kingsley.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the man. For a successful, rich doctor, he acted like a seventeen-year-old boy sometimes.

  He held up his hands. “Okay, okay. Maybe later. Let me feed you food. But you know, if you’re hungry, I have something really fulfilling. Just in case you needed me to sell my abilities.”

  I doubted he had to sell anything. I kept walking into the kitchen, where a stack of pancakes sat on the large island. Next to it was a heaping mound of eggs and a plate of bacon. I watched as Porter pulled out a fruit salad from the refrigerator and set it next to the rest of the food.

  “Are you expecting someone else?”

  He winked. “Nope. Just us and our ravenous appetite.” The way he said it, his voice just an octave lower when he said ravenous, made me stop in my tracks. He laid it on thick. Maybe I should’ve just had this conversation over the phone.

  Before I could register he moved, he stood in front of me, both so familiar and so foreign. His body was almost an exact replica of Breck’s, minus the Army tattoo I knew Breck had in the middle of his back. Having never seen Porter without a shirt on, I didn’t know if he had any tattoos, though I doubted it. But despite their similarities and the attraction I felt every time I was around Porter, for the first time, I wasn’t tempted to go any further with him. I knew my revelation in the shower was correct, and it was time. Time to put this to rest for once and for all.

  “Raven.” His voice cracked, and I glanced up at him, confused. He never showed emotion.

  “What’s wrong, Porter?”

  He cupped my face with his large hands, and I froze. No. I didn’t come here for this. Not another Kingsley pouring out his heart to me. He locked his eyes with mine and my heart sank. I didn’t like what I saw there, or the way it made my heart squeeze. He seemed like Breck standing in front of me, not Playboy Porter.

  “I’ve wanted you to walk through that door ever since the last time you walked out of it. I know you aren’t here to accept my proposition, because that was stupid of me to ask of you. I’m sorry, Raven. I’ve been kicking myself for weeks for treating you like that. You’re worth way more than that.”

  He was sorry for propositioning me. “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m not upset with you. I thought about it for a long time, but I didn’t want to be unfair to either of us. See, I thought I knew what I wanted and that it lined up with what you want. No strings, no commitments, just a fun time. But things have kind of changed for me.”

  “Things have changed for me too, Raven.”

  I shivered at not just the words he said, but the warm way they blanketed me. There seemed to be some underlying meaning he tried to convey, but I didn’t understand it.

  “What does that mean?” If he met someone, this was a strange way of telling me. He didn’t owe me anything. He’d dropped his hands from my face to hold mine, his body still close enough to kiss me. He sent me some strange signals.

  I backed up, needing some personal space to breathe before he answered, but he still held onto my hands. “Did you meet someone?”

  Porter nodded, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “She showed me that the way I lived wasn’t actually living at all. She made me want to be the man she saw in me.” He squeezed my hands and twined his fingers with mine.

  Relief bloomed in my chest. Thank goodness. Then the news about Breck and I would be received well and he could also start to understand how he had hurt his brother in the past. “That’s great, Porter. You’re an amazing guy. She’s a lucky woman.”

  He lifted my hand and kissed it before putting my palm on his chest, directly over his heart. “I hope she thinks so.” Porter licked his lips and swallowed again. He shifted back and forth from one foot to another. His nervous motions confused me, coupled with the way he kept touching and kissing me.

  “Raven,” he whispered. “I’ve never met anyone like you. It took me almost ruining everything to figure out that while I never thought I could be the forever type, you make me want to try.”

  I gasped and stumbled back, my head spinning so fast I swore someone just sucked all the oxygen out of the room. He reached for me, but I couldn’t. There was no way. This wasn’t happening.

  Porter Kingsley, the most eligible bachelor, the self-proclaimed good time guy, just told me he wanted to try to be the forever kind. That it was me he wanted to be with.

  I turned and dropped to my knees, gasping for much-needed oxygen. “Raven.” Porter dropped next to me on the ground, and his large hand stroked my back. “Breathe, sweetie.”

  I closed my eyes and concentrated on making oxygen resume its cycle in and out of my lungs. This wasn’t happening to me. Hours before, Breck and I decided to see each other. Hours before that, I hadn’t laid eyes on either Kingsley brother in months, and now they both wanted me.

  M
e. Raven Jane Phillips.

  What the hell was so special about me, I just didn’t understand.

  “Are you okay, Raven?” Porter’s hand still circled my back. I squeezed my eyes closed, wondering if I did it for long enough if I would wake up back in my bed and this was all a dream.

  It could’ve been seconds, minutes, or even hours that I sat there on my knees on his tile floor before he lifted me and start walking. I realized belatedly that he headed for his bedroom.

  He can’t take me to his bedroom. This isn’t right. I have to stop him. I began whimpering and his arms tightened around me.

  “I got you, Raven. I’m right here. I’ll always be right here for you.” I buried my head in his neck, the warmth of his skin reminding me this was no dream, and I was really here, in the arms of the wrong Kingsley brother. He didn’t smell like Breck, and the deep voice reverberating through my body wasn’t the same.

  All along I thought Porter was up just for a good time.

  Porter sat me on the edge of his bed and disappeared for a minute. I put my hands on my knees and shook my head, trying to clear the rampant thoughts from running amok in my mind.

  He came back and pressed a cool rag to my forehead. “You scared me to death. Are you okay?”

  I’d had panic attacks before, but not in a long time. “Yes. I’m fine now. Thank you.”

  Porter sat next to me and rested his hand on my leg. He traced small circles on my skin, and I hated myself for how his touch made me feel. It was wrong. I placed my hand over his and removed his hand from my leg.

  He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, not saying a word about me stopping him from touching me. I had to talk to him. I came here for a reason, and that reason was Brecken Kingsley.

  Porter’s twin brother.

  Not Porter.

  “W-we need to talk.”

  I forced myself to peer over at him. His eyes were wide and trained on me, his mouth slightly agape. He knew what I was about to say. I hated every moment of this, but I had to be strong. My whole life, I knew I couldn’t be defined by who my mother was, where I grew up, or what limitations were put on me. I couldn’t allow myself to be defined now by two men who both looked at me with the same eyes.

  “Raven?”

  I scooted back and patted next to me. I would rather not do this while sitting on Porter’s bed, but it was what it was at this point. Porter faced me, his face etched with uncertainty and fear. I knew exactly how he felt, because it was the same feeling I had when Breck opened up to me.

  “I need to tell you something.” I smiled, despite the stressful moment between us. “Porter, I’m in love with your brother.”

  He blinked, the words floating between us before they settled inside him. He started to open his mouth, but I stopped him. “I want you to know that I’m sorry. I led you on. I honestly didn’t mean to do it. I fought my feelings for you for a long time. I heard you when you said that Breck was a forever guy and you weren’t. We have a connection. But tonight, I realized what it was.”

  “What was that?”

  I didn’t know if what I said hurt him or relieved him, but I had to continue. It had to come out. “I realized I allowed you to use me the way I was used to seeing men use women. I thought that was all I was good for.” Porter’s eyes widened, and I held up my hand. “It isn’t your fault, Port. I know you were very honest from the get-go. And I thought that my attraction to you, the desire I felt for you, was all I needed. All I deserved. When you offered to give me money, a lot of money, to be in your bed but not your heart, I wanted to do it. But I realized had I done that, I would’ve been no better than my mom. She did whatever it took to get the money to buy her drugs. I can’t be that person. I promised I never would. I realized the reason I allowed myself to feel something for you was that I knew you were safe. You would never love me, because you just wanted something from me. With you, I could have the parts of Breck I loved without the terrifying emotions that came with it, because you weren’t offering me that.” I sniffled. “I know that it sounds terrible, Port. I’m sorry I used you in a way, too. I’m sorry if I’m hurting your feelings right now by saying this, but I had to tell you.”

  Porter grabbed my face and we stared at each other for a few silent beats. “Don’t be sorry, Raven. Not ever. I’m sorry. I never want you to think that you are in the same league at all with your mom. I continued to try to get you to my side, to be in my bed. I had no idea either you or Breck were this far in with each other. Does he know?”

  “Not yet,” I said. “But we did talk tonight. We decided to start seeing each other.”

  Porter settled back on the bed, his back leaning against the headboard. “Come here,” he said. I must’ve seemed leery because he laughed. “No funny business. I’m not that much of an asshole. I want you to talk to me. Tell me what it feels like, this love thing. My heart forgot a long time ago.”

  17

  Brecken

  Even though Raven didn’t wake up next to me this morning, I got out of bed with the hugest smile on my face. I didn’t sleep much, instead, analyzing every word she said and second guessing the progress we made.

  I couldn’t believe she opened up to me and that after all this time, things were moving forward. And I had the guts to tell her everything. Even about Dahlia and the Army. When we left each other last night, we agreed to spend as much time together as we could, and to put our physical relationship on the back burner. Not that I didn’t ache to be inside her with every cell of my being, but I needed to show her there was more to us than our sexual chemistry.

  Now I needed to go to the gym before starting my day because I had too much pent-up energy and needed somewhere for it to go. I went after something and got it. I felt accomplished, and it was barely eight in the morning.

  I sent Raven a good morning text when I first got up, but she hadn’t answered yet. I hoped she was sleeping, and I couldn’t wait until the day she woke up next to me. I knew having her sister made it a little more complicated with sleepovers and such, but I would do whatever made her comfortable.

  On the way to the gym, I had a thought about stopping to talk to Porter. If he was at home, that was. I turned into his neighborhood and decided if I saw his car, I would stop. This was as good a time as any to tell my brother. I knew Raven wanted me to talk to him about the past, but I wasn’t sure I needed to. It was a long time ago, and Porter was who he was. I didn’t fault him for what he did at eighteen years old.

  His house came into view, and I saw his car in front of the garage. Why he didn’t park it inside all the time, I didn’t know, but I was glad to see he was home. Maybe he just got home.

  Not that I needed nerve to tell Porter the best news I’d had in a long time, but I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how he would react. I knew he liked Raven, though to him that meant nothing more than wanting her body. I knew now that’s not what she wanted, but I also knew how much pull Porter had with women. I needed to make it clear with him though that things were progressing with us, and it was time for him to move on to someone else.

  I stepped out of the car and sucked in a deep breath. The air was stifling, the humidity so thick you could cut it with a knife, but even that couldn’t dampen my spirits. I checked my phone for the millionth time since I texted Raven an hour ago, but she still hadn’t responded. I glanced over and caught sight of the sedan in the driveway. The sparkling angel hanging from the rearview mirror caught my attention.

  To protect me, Raven had told me before she left my house last night.

  While sitting in this exact vehicle.

  Raven was at my brother’s house at eight in the morning.

  Before I could think one more second, I ran to the front door and pounded on it. She came here instead of going home. She spent the night with him.

  Seconds later, the door swung open, and Porter’s eyes widened at the sight of me. He wore a T-shirt and basketball shorts, so he hadn’t just gotten home.

  “Breck
. What the fuck brings you here so damn early?” Porter glanced back over his shoulder before turning back to me. He blocked the doorway with his body so I couldn’t come in. Clear signs he had company. And I knew exactly who that company was. Anger burned through my body, singeing my nerves. I would tell both of them just where to go, the second I laid eyes on her.

  Porter hurt me for the last time.

  I was done with Raven Jane Phillips.

  “Where is she?” I stepped up to him but he didn’t move out of the doorway.

  Porter narrowed his eyes on me and we stood, eye to eye, chest to chest. He seemed…angry, and I didn’t understand why. I was the one who should be angry. That motherfucking asshole did it again. I pushed his chest, knocking him slightly off balance. I was just as strong as him, but adrenaline had the upper hand right now.

  “Brecken.” Porter put his hand on my chest and tried to push me backward. “Wait.”

  “You better let me the fuck in right now,” I said. At this moment, he wasn’t my brother. He was the enemy I was about to lay out if he didn’t stop touching me and let me see with my own eyes what I knew to be true. “Where the hell is she, Porter?”

  The door bounced off the wall as I shoved past Porter and stopped in my tracks. Moments ago, I wondered what Raven might look like after she just woke up, and now I had my answer. Her dark hair was wavy and full around her face, like it was the night we made love. Her eyes were wide and trained on me. She wore her clothes, but they were rumpled.

  She definitely just woke up. In Porter’s house.

  “Breck.” Her voice shook. “Let me explain.”

  Everything I hoped and dreamed for crashed around me like shards of glass, piercing my skin and moving directly into my heart. Raven woke up at my brother’s house. He never let anyone spend the night with him.

  Until now.

  I clenched my fists and turned to my big brother, the person I loved my entire life. I forgave him, repeatedly. But this time, I couldn’t.