by Nicky James
Rory’s room was a void of darkness. Only the trace glow of daylight showing around the edges of his blackout curtains gave the room any definition. After being out in the bright day, my eyes weren’t adjusted, and I blinked a few times, trying to see more than outlines and shadows. His bed was vacant, and so far as I could tell, all corners were empty, too.
I approached his closed closet door and rapped my knuckles on the surface before pulling it open. The darkness within was impenetrable like a black hole whose contents I couldn’t make out if I wanted to. It wasn’t a walk-in closet, nor was there much floor space for a grown man to hide, but I knew he was there. When I squatted and reached blindly to touch and feel around, he snagged me unexpectedly making me jump. With a firm grip, he pulled me to his chest and squeezed me in his arms as he buried his face in my neck. Instinctively, I held him. He trembled, his teeth chattered, and his chest shuddered with strangled, broken intakes of air.
His cheeks were wet against my skin. He was crying. His silent despair tore a hole in my heart, and I held him tighter.
“I’m so sorry,” he sputtered. “I’m so sorry, Adrian.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rory
I clung to him. It had been less than ten minutes since I’d reclaimed control over my muscles and limbs. They still twitched and burned, but not nearly like before. My flight up the stairs had almost landed me in the hospital more than once when I was sure I was going to tumble back down them again in my frantic need to escape the light. The poor man who’d found me must have thought I’d lost my mind. If I could have formed sentences, I might have tried to explain.
Consumed with failure and self-hatred, I didn’t know what else to say to Adrian except that I was sorry. Everything had happened so fast, and I’d been unable to help him or be there for him. I was furious with living in a prison and hated the barriers that surrounded my everyday life. I needed out. I wanted free.
Adrian collapsed on my chest, his arms automatically encompassing me with a soothing comfort I didn’t deserve. I should have been the one comforting him. The soft scent of his body wash surrounded me, calming my turmoil in a way nothing else had ever done before. His own sobs wracked his body, falling with less shame than my own. With all my effort, I worked to push my fears aside and be there for him like I was supposed to be.
I’d lost focus on the horrific incident at the college in order to deal with my own nightmare. With Adrian safe in my arms, every detail returned with clarity. The mysterious phone call, the video, Krew on the line telling me it was bad, and then, the way he’d sounded when he’d called out to Adrian. The strain in Krew’s voice wasn’t something I’d heard before, and it had frightened me to my core.
I squeezed Adrian tighter, wanting to take his pain and humiliation away, wishing I could free him from everything hurtful that had ever befallen him. I knew first hand the pain he felt inside. The frustration and the defeat. It was sadly one of the common bonds that tied us together.
But how was I supposed to save him when I could barely save myself?
“Are you okay?” he whispered against my nape, his fingers stroking and massaging my scalp the way Krew often did.
Even with his own despair, his concern was for me.
My heart still raced, and my skin tingled uncomfortably, but I ignored my discomfort and pulled his face up.
“Never mind me. Are you?”
I could tell he couldn’t see well. His fingers lifted, and he blindly traced the frames on my sunglasses as he blinked, not focused on my face at all.
I took his hand, fearing he’d remove my comfort before I was ready, and I kissed his knuckles.
“It was really bad,” he finally said, staring down at the spot where our hands rested between us. “Did… did you see it? Were you watching?”
I swallowed hard. “Not really. Krew had to drop the feed when I called. I was trying to stop it from happening. Adrian, do you know who did this?”
“My fucking roommates. I can’t believe they put a damn camera in my room. I should have known better when I found the lock busted a few weeks back. I knew it wasn’t providing me much security. I should have…”
“Someone tried to help you.”
His gaze shot up, and he touched my face, as though wishing he could see me. “W-what do you mean?”
“Just as your presentation started, I got a phone call. It was a blocked number. The person told me to stop your presentation. He knew who I was to you. Then, when he hung up, he sent me the video in a text and told me it had been replaced with the one you were supposed to show.”
“He… You got the video? You…” His voice broke.
“I only watched a minute of it. Enough to know I needed to stop your presentation. I’m so sorry. Nobody should have seen that.”
Adrian shuddered and dropped his head back on my shoulder, fresh tears wetting my neck. “It was so humiliating.”
I rubbed his back, hoping to soothe his pain. It was like offering a person who’d lost a limb a Band-Aid for all the good it did. I could only imagine the embarrassment and shame he would harbor because of this. I knew firsthand how deep the knife could cut and the damage that could be done. There was a reason kids who’d been bullied for years eventually took their own lives. Everyone had limits.
“I don’t think I can ever finish school now. Even my parents were there. Front and center. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so humiliated. I just want to disappear.”
My fury resurfaced, and again, I wished I could simply go deal with his roommates myself. Vengeance wasn’t something I’d ever felt before meeting Adrian, but the thought of him suffering made me feral. I didn’t know what to say or suggest, so I kissed his temple and held him closer.
A knock on my bedroom door made me stiffen. “Excuse me,” a man called. “Mr. Gallagher? My name is Officer Kline, and I was wondering if I could have a quick word before me and my partner leave. Would it be all right if I come in?”
“Just leave him alone.” The ferocity in Adrian’s voice warmed me to my core. Despite all he’d been through, he was dead set on defending me.
“It’s okay,” I whispered in his ear, stroking his wet cheek and kissing his lips. “Do I have to come out?” I asked the officer.
“It’d be better, so I could assess your state of being.”
That was a joke. My state of being was beyond fragile, and I could have told him that from my nest in the closet. I dislodged from Adrian’s grasp and found his hand, tremors kicking back to life at the thought of leaving the safety of my dark closet. The incessant chill flooding my veins was a contrast to the ever-burning sensation over my flesh.
“Fine. I’m coming out, but no lights, okay?”
“He won’t, baby, I won’t let him,” Krew responded.
I waited for the man to confirm as well before peeling myself off the floor and inching into my bedroom. My skin twitched and tingled, heat rising again to the surface. I dropped Adrian’s hand to rub at my arms and wished I had on a hoodie, so I could draw the hood up and pull down the sleeves for protection. My T-shirt left me exposed in a way I hated.
The officer stood a few feet inside the doorway with Krew behind him who had his arms crossed over his chest and indignation so clear on his face even in the darkness, he practically glowed with it. “See, he’s fine, just shaken,” Krew snapped. “Now leave. He doesn’t need this.”
The officer ignored him, his eyes trailing the dark room before landing on me. It was obvious my lack of illumination bothered him to a degree. “You have a very protective friend, and I apologize, but I need to make sure everything is okay before I head out.”
“I’m fine,” I said, not feeling fine in the least but doing my best to show it.
“Your neighbor was quite concerned for your wellbeing. I just need assurance you don’t require any medical intervention.”
His comment almost made me laugh. “Listen, I have a hard time with light, okay? My boyfriend had a problem t
oday at school, and I wanted to go help him, so in a panic, I fled the apartment. My phobia prevented me from getting far. But I’m fine.”
“All right. If that changes or you need us to come back, just give us a call.”
“I’ll see you out,” Krew growled before I could respond.
They disappeared down the hall again, and I sat on the edge of my bed. The soft glow in the room coming from behind the curtains was bordering on uncomfortable. After an episode, it always took a long time to come down again and be all right with any kind of light. Utter darkness was the only comfort in those times. I couldn’t alleviate the residual symptoms. Shivers convulsed over my body at random, and a sheen of sweat erupted over my skin making me impulsively rub my arms and wipe a hand over my nape. Adrian sat beside me, his hand rested on my knee. Neither of us spoke as we listened to Krew say goodbye to the officers. When they were gone, he appeared in the door.
“Are you two okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, raising my eyes to Krew’s. “Thanks for today.”
“Anytime. I’m gonna head, if you guys need me, just call.”
Adrian flew off the bed and threw himself into Krew’s arms, hugging him. “Thank you.”
“No problem, sugar. Don’t look back. Like I said, keep your chin up.”
When Krew was gone, Adrian and I sat in silence for a long time. My body slowly calmed with Adrian by my side.
“Krew’s taught me a lot over the years,” I said at random. “Before I met him, I didn’t have an ounce of self-confidence. Watching this flamboyantly gay, exuberant man own his life without a care was a wake-up call in a sense. Krew has a lot of pride but no shame. He is who he is, and he doesn’t let anyone bring him down. He taught me not to allow other people’s words to hurt me. Taught me how to be proud of who I am. He’s a fierce and loyal friend.”
“I can tell. I like him.”
I squeezed Adrian’s hand and brought his knuckles to my mouth, planting a kiss. “I’m glad because I think you may become his new project.”
Adrian groaned, but I thought it really wouldn’t hurt him to have more confidence. If anyone could teach him how, it was Krew.
Eventually, the residual effects of my panic attack wore me down. I pulled Adrian onto the bed and wrapped him in my arms. We’d both had enough entertainment for one day, and I was tired.
“What am I going to do?” he muttered as he snuggled against my side. “I feel so betrayed.”
“You need to report them and move out. Get as far away from them as possible.”
He remained quiet, fingers drawing circles on my arm. “I think it was Marcus who warned you. He’s never been like the other two. Not nearly as mean, and sometimes, he seems remorseful.”
“I don’t give a shit. Less cruel is still cruel. You need out of that house. Whoever messaged me, be it Marcus or someone else, had access to that video and knew exactly what was happening. He could have stopped it sooner or warned you earlier, but he didn’t. Having a sudden epiphany over right and wrong and trying to save face at the last possible second doesn’t work in my books. Maybe he doesn’t act like the other two, but he’s too much of a pussy to do what’s right or else he would have ended this sooner. Don’t be fooled by false fronts, Adrian. Look where that got me.”
He snuggled deeper into my arms. I knew we’d discussed his living situation on many occasions and how his father had paid his rent and schooling in advance, but change needed to happen. I sensed Adrian was precariously close to breaking, and I didn’t know what that would mean for him, nor did I want to find out. Those men he roomed with were getting away with more and more every day. If Adrian cracked, he’d end up as just another statistic. His family had been there and seen the damage. Surely his father would understand the need for Adrian to move. If worse came to worse, I’d tell him to move in with me. It was far too soon, but his safety was more important.
We both fell asleep without further conversation. A few hours later, we were awoken by his phone ringing. Adrian stirred and patted the pocket of his slacks until he located it. He pulled it out and frowned.
“Shit.” His voice was groggy with sleep. “It’s my mother.”
“Answer it.”
“I don’t want to. I got mad at them back at the college before I left. My dad was too busy being ashamed of me to care about how I felt. I’m not in the mood to go through it all again.”
Adrian dropped his phone on the bed just as it fell silent. I didn’t know what to say to that. How could his parents not care?
His phone rang again, and he let out a growl before snapping it up and jamming his finger on the answer button.
“Hello.”
I strained to hear what was being said on the other end but couldn’t make it out. All I could tell was it was a woman’s voice, and her tone was gentle not raging mad. Adrian was quiet for a long time as he listened.
“Do I have to?” A pause. More muffled talking. “Fine. Where?” he asked. After the person—who I assumed was his mother—responded, Adrian sighed. “Breakfast is fine. I’m at Rory’s, you can pick me up here like you did this morning.”
She spoke for a few more minutes before Adrian said goodbye and hung up before launching his phone across the room where it clattered against the far wall. He stared at the ceiling with a frown.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“My dad spoke with the dean. He’s asked to meet with me tomorrow. If I know who’s responsible for the video, then the college wants to know so they can take action, especially if it was students.”
“Good.”
Adrian didn’t look pleased. It would suck to have to go in and talk about it, but at least action was being taken. Too many times, shit got swept under the rug. I was glad the college was planning to do something about it. Those assholes should get what they deserved.
“My parents want to have breakfast, too, and talk to me tomorrow. I can only imagine where that will land me. My dad will probably insist I change schools or something. He always wanted me to attend the U of T, but I didn’t want to live in such a huge city.”
That stirred my anxiety. The U of T was four hours northeast, and traveling was nearly impossible for me. “Would you do that?”
If he moved elsewhere, I knew everything we’d started would wither away and die.
“I don’t want to go anywhere else, but the idea of walking into that college right now makes me ill. Plus…” He faced me for the first time since hanging up the phone. “I don’t want to leave you, Rory.”
His worry was deep. I didn’t know his parents or the kind of influence or sway they would have on Adrian’s final decision, but a seed of fear came to life. The thought of him leaving made my heart race.
I cupped his chin and ran a thumb over the edge of his jaw. He’d shaved earlier in the day, and it was still smooth. “Will they listen if you say you want to stay?”
“I don’t know. My father has always had all the control when it comes to my schooling and career. The only fight I ever won was when I told them I wanted to take psychology instead of becoming a neurosurgeon like him. Four years down the line, he’s still bitter about it. My personal feelings rarely come into play. And I can’t use you as a reason to stay, it would only fuel them. They’d push harder to get me out. To them, a relationship is a huge distraction and completely unnecessary at my age. Add to that the fact I’m gay, and it just makes it ten times worse.”
“I’m not ready to let you go.”
He nuzzled against my hand, and I drew him nearer, claiming his mouth. I guided him to lie down as I licked and tasted him, the idea of being without him surfacing a whole new panic within.
Adrian met my kiss and laced his tongue with mine, pulling me down on top of him and threading fingers through my hair.
When Krew used to massage my scalp, it had worked to calm me, but when Adrian did it, there was an added benefit of igniting my lust. We kissed and touched for a long time, drawing on those deeper emotions I fea
red facing. My heart swelled and ached for the man in my arms. The thought of being without him was too much to bear. My whole life I’d wished and longed for someone like Adrian. Just when I’d dismissed the possibility of it ever happening, there he was.
Adrian broke the kiss and held my face in both his hands. His eyes shimmered in the dark, picking up the tiniest thread of light and reflecting them back at me.
“Please,” he said, his voice barely audible. The single word hung in the air between us. A question. A request. A plea.
I knew what he was asking. A single word was all it took for the final barrier around my heart to fully crumble. No reply was necessary. I joined our mouths and kissed him soundly, answering his call.
Nimble fingers worked me out of my clothes while I focused on each button securing Adrian’s dress shirt. Once we were naked and our flesh came together, the endless problems of the day disappeared.
I knew every part of Adrian; every muscle, every curve, where he was ticklish, and each spot that made him moan with pleasure. He was a treasure, and it didn’t matter how many times I got to explore him, I marveled at who he was, and that somehow, we’d ended up together.
He tilted his head back, exposing the tight muscles in his neck and the curve of his Adam’s apple. With my tongue, I traced those lines and sucked welts into his flesh, making him shiver with need. He smelled of a mixture of cologne, residual anxiety, and man.
Mine.
I tasted my way down his body, licking circles around his nipples and followed the trail of fine hair from his navel to the base of his delicious length. When I peeked up, I found him watching, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. He was gorgeous. Fuck all those people in his past who never took the chance to notice. It was too late for them. He was mine.
His fingers traced my jaw, his thumb dipping inside my mouth where I sucked it gently. “Please,” he said again, his breath catching in his throat.
